Just Give Me A Reason
by colormetheworld
Summary: AU Maura and Jane meet in high school, but get separated. Follows them when they meet and then as they reconnect after years apart. Ch. 1-20 are T, 21 onward is M. (this story has adult themes, sexual content, and of course, rizzles)
1. Chapter 1

Maura lingers on the front porch of the Rizzoli house, Jane is leaning up against the doorframe watching her new friend try to think of a reason to stay a little longer.

"Thank you, Jane," Maura says, smiling nervously.

"You said that already," Jane smiles, "You don't have to go, you know."

"Oh, no, Jane, thank you, but my mother will be very unhappy if I am not back tonight." Maura cannot stop saying the girl's name. She tries to breathe slowly so that her heart rate will slow down, and she won't faint.

The brunette nods, and for the smallest space of a moment, Maura thinks she sees disappointment. But then Jane smiles again, shrugging.

"I can't wait to see Mr. Riley's face tomorrow when we nail the presentation," Jane says excitedly.

"Why would-" Maura begins, but Jane cuts her off,

"Let's just say, before you came along, I wasn't exactly a star pupil."

"Don't sell yourself short, Jane, you have a wonderful brain," Maura says, hoping that her new friend doesn't see the blush creeping up her collarbone.

"Jane! Shut the door, your father just turned the heat on," Jane's mother calls, and Jane rolls her eyes.

Maura steps down the front porch steps, "Good-bye Jane," Maura says, "I will see you on Monday."

"Bye Maura," Jane whispers it, but Maura still hears it. It makes her feel warm inside.

She heads down the street towards the T stop that will take her back to Beacon Hill. She pulls out her iphone to check on which train is coming first, and after scrolling for a moment, decides to take the orange line to downtown crossing, and then cut through the park. putting her phone back in her bag, Maura turns left at the corner and lets her mind wander back to the Rizzoli household, where there is always laughter and noise and hugs. Maura has only been in Boston for four months, and has only been hanging out with Jane Rizzoli for two, but already she feels lighter, happier than she ever did in Paris or Rome or Dubai.

She had been sure that when school started, the budding friendship she'd struck up with Jane would shrivel, but Jane had merely gaped at the black town car that had dropped her off, and then fallen into step beside Maura, explaining the way the school day worked, and pointing out nuns to avoid.

A buzzing from her purse pulls Maura out of her musings and she rummages around in her shoulder bag trying to find her phone. She is so engrossed in this task that she doesn't see the older boy come out of nowhere, step right up to her and grab her from behind by the hair.

"Maura, open your eyes."

Maura shuts them tighter. this must be a dream. she is dreaming. Someone touches her shoulder and she flinches.

"_Maura!" _Jane's voice is insistent, "Open your eyes!"

Jane! It's Jane's voice! Maura's eyes snap open and there she is, brown hair swept across her forehead, dark eyes inches from her own, full of concern and...pain?

"Jane," Maura manages to choke out, before her throat seems to close up.

"What did he do to you?" The concern is back, Maura can hear it in her voice. "I came around the corner and he had his hands around your neck, and your dress is all..." Jane trails off as a tear slips down Maura's cheek.

"m-my neck," Maura says quietly, but it's hard to concentrate. The buildings seem to be falling down on her, and when she tries to move, the ground seems to shift in the opposite direction, threatening to throw her to the ground. She tries to focus one Jane's face, which has flooded with anger, as she examines Maura's neck.

"It's already starting to bruise," she says, and her voice drops an octave in her anger.

Maura closes her eyes, trying to stop the scenery in front of her from spinning so violently, but jerks them open again when she feels her feet leave the ground. With a faint grunt, Jane picks Maura up like a baby and Maura instinctively wraps her arms around the other girl's neck. Although Jane is almost a full head taller, she is very skinny, and Maura wonders vaguely what Jane's muscle to fat ratio must be in order for her to lift Maura this way.

"Jane," she says, feeling the girl's jaw clench against her forehead.

"Shh," Jane says shortly, "stop squirming. I've got you."

_Tightening of the jawline is often used as a defense mechanism, most commonly displayed when one is hiding anger, sadness, or discomfort_ Maura recites to herself. She wants to open her mouth and ask Jane if she is in a lot of pain, or what she is defending against, or who she is angry at, but now that she no longer has to focus on staying upright, exhaustion is dragging her down, down, down.

She whimpers a little, as Jane shifts her, and she feels the brunette's mouth against her temple, "Almost, Maura. Almost, ok?"

Maura goes to nod, but does not know if she succeeds.

Jane, for her part, feels the girl in her arms go slack, and adrenaline and panic push her the last three blocks back to her house. "Ma! Call 911," she calls before she even turns down the drive to the house. "Pop! Ma!" The porch light flicks on, and her mother appears in the door.

"Jane, stop yelling what are you-" but seeing the unconscious figure in Jane's arms, Angela stops short, turning to yell for her husband.

"We made it," Jane says into Maura's temple. "Pop is gonna help us, and you're going to be fine. You'll be fine."

_"You'll be fine, Maura, and anyway, it's just for the year, maybe not even that. You're always telling me and your father how you want to go to a normal school with normal children. Well, while I'm here in Boston, you can attend Saint Catherine's. The school has several AP's that will be sufficient to fulfill your high school requirements, and you'll get to associate with the "normal" children you so desperately want to meet:_"

_Maura had not argued with her mother, and the next day she had left her new apartment on Beacon Hill and wondered down to the park where some kids were playing stick ball. She had sat and watched them for about an hour, before a dark haired girl had broken from the group and walked up to her. _

_"Why are you staring at me?" she'd said her eyes narrowed with suspicion _

_"I was not staring at you. I was merely watching your game," Maura had replied, taken aback. _

_"No, you weren't," the girl had said, "You were watching me. Why?" _

_Maura gaped up at her, "I-I just...you're very good at that game." _

_And Jane had smiled. _

_And Maura had melted. _

_The girl had leaned in closer, and Maura thought she smelled like grass stains, "I am Jane Rizzoli," she had said, her voice full of cockiness. "I am good at everything." and she had held out her hand. _

_"M-maura. Isles. Maura Isles," she had stammered in return._

_"Jane! you're up!" a little boy had called to her. _

_"Okay," Jane had yelled back, already turning away, "see you tomorrow, I hope, Maura Isles, Maura Isles," Jane had called. _

_And Maura had not understood the joke until she was back home in her room, trying to concentrate on reading. _

"Maura? Can you hear me?" It is not Jane's voice, but a new one that pulls Maura out of her slumber. She opens her eyes and then shuts them quickly against the bright white of the hospital room.

"Well, hello, Miss Isles. How are you feeling?"

Maura tries opening her eyes again, and this time is more successful. Sitting by her bed is a woman dressed a lab coat and a bright patterned dress, She glances down at the chart in her hands before removing her glasses and smiling at Maura.

"Jane." Maura says, although she does not mean to say it.

"Yes, she's right outside. She'll be very happy to know you're awake. She would barely let us stitch her up, wanted to sit by your bed all night."

Maura's heart skips a beat, "Stitch? she's injured?"

The doctor pauses, "Not severely," she says carefully. "She caught the wrong end of a knife fending off your attacker. Just a couple stitches to her rib cage."

"Fighting off my..." Maura stops talking as it all comes back to her. The boy had grabbed her from behind. had slammed her head against the brick of a building, had pulled up her skirt and sneered at her, getting ready. And then...

"Jane got there in time," Maura says, her voice shaky with emotion, and the doctor raises her eyebrows.

"Yes, it would seem that she did," The doctor says after a moment. "Lucky you forgot your textbook at her house."

Maura pushes back the covers on her bed and swings her feet onto the floor. "I have to see her."

"Maura, you shouldn't get out of bed, you have a-"

"Concussion," Maura finishes, "A mild one, by the feel of it. And some external bruising around the trachea. But I'm fine. I suffered no blood loss, and nothing is spinning. The lights are not bright enough to tell me that my pupils are dilated..." She pushes up onto her feet, testing herself. "I'm sure I'll be discharged today," she says blandly, looking curiously at the doctor who is shaking her head and smiling.

"Yes, you probably will."

Maura pushes the door to her room open and steps out into the hallway. Across the hall, in another room, she sees a pair of shoes that can only belong to Jane sticking out under a dividing curtain. Maura smiles at the old blue converse high tops, the laces tied in knot after knot to save Jane from having to tie them. She has never been so happy to see such awful shoes in her life. She rushes towards the door, but before she can pull back the curtain and throw her arms around her savior, she hears a voice that stops her dead.

"Running around your neighborhood after dusk, it is no wonder my daughter winds up beaten and unconscious in a hospital bed," Constance Isles' voice cuts sharply through the air like a knife. Maura closes her eyes.

"Yes, ma'am," comes Jane's voice, and she sounds small and defeated.

"You will stay away from my daughter, do you understand? You've already caused enough trouble."

There is a silence, in which Jane taps her converse on the ground in a jerky motion, as though she is working through her anger.

"Maura is my friend," Jane says, so softly that Maura has to lean in a little closer. "I never meant for-"

"Well it did, Jane," says Constance, her voice dripping with fake sympathy. _"_It did happen. You nearly got your _friend _raped and murdered. If she really is your friend, then I know I can trust you to do the right thing," she spaces these last words out slowly, as if talking to someone mentally challenged or hard of hearing.

There is a longer silence now, and then Jane's voice, so close to tears that Maura sucks in a deep breath.

"Yes ma'am"

Constance Isles whips back the curtain and strides out into the hallway, "Maura! Darling, you're awake! But I'm almost certain you should not be out of bed yet. Come on, let's get you back, and see what the doctor says about getting you home."

With her mother's grip on her upper arm so tight it feels like she might break skin, Maura turns back to her room.

But not before she has seen Jane, standing alone by the medical bed, hands balled into fists, tears sliding silently down her cheeks.


	2. Chapter 2

**hi everyone! Thanks so much for reading. Feel free to leave comments questions suggestions etc. in the reviews. I'm sorry the first two have been a little sad, but I hope you can tell we're on the upswing. happy reading! **

_**-tc**_

* * *

**Ch. II**

"Tommy, I swear to God, if you don't get out of bed right now, I will suffocate you with your pillow," Jane calls from the doorway of her brothers' room. The lump in the lower bunk that is her brother doesn't move.

"I'm up, Jane," Frankie says, emerging from the bathroom next door. Jane looks at her brother and can't help but smile. He has buttoned his shirt up unevenly, and it hangs lopsided on his skinny frame.

"Redo your shirt, Frankie," She says gently, before marching into the bedroom and yanking the comforter off of Tommy.

"Noooo, Jannnee," Tommy wails, curling into the fetal position, trying to keep some of his body heat from escaping.

"Get _up_, Tommy, I am not kidding. I'm not going to be late because you're being a dick," she hisses, and stomps out of the room, dragging Tommy's blanket after her.

Jane trudges into the kitchen to start making breakfast, and tries unsuccessfully to rub her head ache away. She can't really blame Tommy for not wanting to get out of bed. He must be exhausted. Her parents had nearly taken the roof off with their yelling last night, and though Frankie had taken refuge in her bed around 1am, Tommy hadn't shown. She knew that he was hunkered down in his bed, with a pillow over his head, stubbornly determined to wait it out, refusing to turn to his sister for comfort.

Frankie on the other hand, who was much too old to still seek comfort from his sister, has slipped silently into her double bed, grabbing her hand for a second, before rolling over and falling asleep.

Jane sighs and puts Tommy's favorite cereal on the counter, then the milk and orange juice, hoping that the familiar repetitive motion will stop the intrusive memories from last night.

* * *

_We have no right to tell her that she can't hang out with Maura, Frank. And I don't know if you've noticed, but Janie is happier, she's doing better in school, she's-_

_And what would have happened if that brat hadn't left her textbook, Angela hmm? You think I want to see my daughter made into a scapegoat for some rich assholes? _

_Frank, keep your voice down. Jane rescued Maura, there's nothing to be upset about. _

_She was being stupid Angela, and the sooner you realize that, the better._

* * *

Jane smiles mechanically as the boys set themselves up at the counter, reaching out for their spoons. Tommy doesn't look at her at all, but Frankie is scrutinizing her, and Jane knows he is looking for signs of weakness, for any sign that she too, will all of a sudden disappear, and leave him in an empty house with an angry brother. She finds a genuine smile to give him, clenching her fists under the counter, and his face relaxes as he lifts the spoon to his mouth. Their father banged out the door last night after the fight, and their mother left at 5:30 that morning for work, And Jane, like too many mornings before this one, checks coats and backpacks, locks the front door and herds her two younger brothers towards Saint Catherine's, blocking out the ache in her ribs as well as the one in her head.

"where do you think Pop went last night?" Frankie asks Jane as they wait for a crossing light to change.

Jane sighs, "I don't know."

"Why do they fight so much?" he tries again, and Jane puts her arm around him.

"Duh, stupid," Tommy says, kicking the curb, "They fight about _Jane_."

There is a shocked silence as Tommy's siblings swallow this information, and then Frankie launches himself at his younger brother. "Take that back you, you assbutt," Frankie screams, and Jane just manages to yank Tommy out of the way of Frankie's oncoming fist.

"Knock it off. _Knock it off. Frankie!" _Jane says, ignoring the stabbing pain in her rib cage as Tommy yanks himself out of her grip and sprints across the street towards school.

Jane and Frankie watch him go, and Jane deliberately looks away from her brother, letting him wipe his nose on his sleeve. After a moment, they begin to walk again.

"Assbutt?" Jane says quietly?

Frankie almost smiles. "shut up."

Jane watches Frankie into the part of the building that houses the Junior High before turning towards the high school. digs her fingernails into her palms and tries not to see her baby brother's angry eyes when she blinks. She manages not to cry by sheer force of will. She is the oldest, her brothers look up to her. She is Fifteen. Much too old to cry.

"Jane," a hand touches her shoulder and she whirls around. Maura takes several steps back, startled at the fierce look on her friend's face.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you."

Jane stares, unable to say anything. Her brain seems unable to decide on which emotion it should feel the strongest.

"What are you doing here?" Jane says it more harshly than she means to, but she decides that it's okay, because then at least she doesn't sound pathetic.

"I-I go to school here," Maura says blankly.

"You haven't been here all week," Jane says, deciding that anger is the safest emotion, even if it's not the truest. Even if Maura isn't the person she's mad at.

"That's true. I was confined to bed rest because of my concussion. It was the necessary action because-" But Jane puts up a hand and Maura falls silent, watching Jane shuffle through several emotions that she can't quite read.

"I did the presentation for both of us. In case you showed up again," Jane says abruptly, shifting from foot to foot, "We got a B+ because I fucked up a part about smurfs or something."

Maura smiles faintly, "Serfs, Jane. And don't swear."

"Yeah. Whatever. So you are stuck with a B+ unless Mr. Riley will change your grade. Just like you were stuck with white trash Rizzoli until your mama could swoop in and save you."

Maura's mouth falls open, but Jane turns away and heads towards the stairs to the school, determined not to look back, not even when Maura calls her name, her voice laden with tears.

Through the doors, up the main staircase to her locker, Jane punches the metal door so hard that pain shoots from the point of contact through her whole body. She ignores it.

* * *

Maura doesn't see Jane again until study hall at the end of the day. She is working alone at a desk in the corner, and as Maura draws closer she feels panic wash over her. Although to anyone else, Jane looks as though she is concentrating, Maura can't help but notice the lines of pain that have etched themselves into her delicate features, or the way she holds herself in her chair, as though she might break if she moves the wrong way. Making up her mind in an instant, Maura strides across the room and puts her books down next to Jane, pulling up a chair. Although Jane's jaw clenches and her hands curl and uncurl in her lap, she does not look up at Maura or move her things away.

Maura stares at her. baffled and awestruck at the same time. How can one person keep so much so hidden? Maura looks up at the severe looking nun who is patrolling the aisles, making sure that everyone is silent.

For the first time in her life. Maura breaks a rule. Sliding a piece of paper out of her bag, she scribbles something down and slides it along the table to Jane.

**my mother does not speak for me.**

Jane pauses for a moment, before adding her own penmanship to the scrap of paper

_she's right. _

**Jane, you saved me. **

_You shouldn't have needed saving. _Jane shoves this last note at Maura with such ferocity, that Maura can't bring herself to respond with just her pen. She reaches across the table and takes Jane's hand, feeling indents in her skin where her fingernails have been digging all day.

"I'm not just talking about Sunday," She says, and Jane looks at her for the first time since that morning, and Maura can't help but smile hopefully.

"Ms. Rizzoli" the nun has come up to their table, her eyes stern, "Detention, after school. There is no talking in study hall."

"Oh, no, Sister Winifred, It was my fault," Maura says quietly, surprised at how quickly and easily she has admitted to this infraction.

"Well. then detention for both of you. See if we can't get you in the habit of following rules," Sister Winifred says, and she stalks down the Aisle away from them.

Maura glances at Jane and shrugs, starting to pull her hand away. But Jane does not let go. When Maura looks up at her, she has gone back to reading her book, a small smile playing at her lips.

Maura feels like she's won something.


	3. Chapter 3

"Jane!" Marua just catches sight of a whirl of dark brown curls out of the corner of her eye as she is shutting her locker. She turns in time to see Jane Rizzoli spin around to face her, smile bright.

"Maura," she says, cocking an eye brow.

Now is the time to do what she has been practicing in the mirror since Wednesday night. _Just do it. _She thinks.

"My parents are away on business this week. Do you want to...to hang out on Saturday?" The words "hang out" roll out of her mouth like a foreign language, with too much emphasis on the first word. She feels a blush heat her face.

Jane's face is impressively blank, and for a moment Maura waits, panic jumping inside of her like pieces of popcorn. But then a small smile spreads over Jane's face.

"You like me enough to deliberately disobey your mother?" she asks, and her eyes search Maura's hopefully.

"Yes. You're the best friend I've ever had. Well, you're the only friend."

Jane's smile flickers for a nanosecond.

"That is very sad," she says quietly. "And very lucky for me."

Jane isn't an unpopular kid at school, far from it. There are always people who call out to her, or ask her to sit with them at lunch, and while Jane doesn't deny them outright, she is usually making an excuse, or avoiding the invitations altogether, and as they head down the steps of the school towards the parking lot, Maura realizes that many of the kids waving to Jane are also waving...to _her_.

"Bye Jane. Bye Mary," a kid with sandy brown hair calls from the bench by the bus stop.

Jane scowls, "Maura," she snaps, and then "Idiot."

"Maura," says the boy apologetically. He holds out his hands in defense as he leans back against the bench, "Jane, you coming to the park tomorrow? Three on three tourney!" He says, and Maura's heart sinks. She is not unaccustomed to people changing plans on her when something better comes along. She can't bear to look at Jane as she accepts his invitation, already forgetting that they have made plans.

"Nah, Joey, thanks though," Jane says, turning away from him. Maura's mouth falls open. She looks at the boy, Joey, who looks like he's swallowed a lemon.

"C'mon Rizzoli, it's like the last time we can before it's too cold. What are you doin'? Goin' soft?"

Jane clenches her fists, but her face remains impassive. "Soft's not always a bad thing Joey, your mother doesn't seem to mind it."

Joey's face turns beet red, and he springs forward. Jane reaches out instinctively for Maura, pushing her hard enough to make her step back a few paces. It's the wrong move, and both girls know it as Joe's eyes flit between them, and an ugly smile twists his face.

"Try it Grant," Jane says, and although her voice is calm and steady, her hands are clenched so tightly that her knuckles are white.

Joey Grant glances around at the couple of kids who have stopped walking, waiting to see if there's going to be a fight.

Maura hears Jane make a noise in her throat, somewhere between a growl and a laugh.

"Go ahead. Let your boys see you get beaten by a girl," she says, and her whole body is tense and ready.

Joey starts, as though he is going to lunge, and then seems to think better of it.

"Fucking bitch," he mutters as he stalks off.

Jane grins as she turns back to Maura, who is standing where Jane pushed her, looking shell shocked.

"Did I hurt you?" she asks as they walk towards the T stop that will take Maura to Beacon Hill and Jane to Roxbury Crossing.

"No," Maura says, touching her collarbone absently, "But I don't understand why-"

"Joe Grant is not above sucker punching innocent bystanders," Jane says quickly. And then she shakes her head. "But it was stupid of me. To show a weakness like that. Especially to Grant."

"Weakness?" Maura says, feeling her heart sink.

Jane glances at her, eyebrows raised. "Yeah. Oh! No! Not like. Not like...I mean it was stupid to show Joey that I wasn't gonna let him take a run at you just because you happened to be along for the ride. I should have distanced myself rather than show him where he could-" Jane stops talking abruptly.

"Where he could what?" Maura asks curiously, though she thinks she already knows.

_Hurt me, Jane thinks. _"Nothing," Jane replies, her tone making it clear that the topic is closed.

Maura looks at Jane and shakes her head, trying to hide a smile.

"What?" Jane asks, looking down at her.

"You," Maura says, smiling in earnest now. "You are very..." But Maura stops here, unsure how to continue.

"Bad ass?" Jane asks hopefully, tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear.

Maura laughs. God, it feels good to laugh. "Definitely"

* * *

"Did you like it?"

Maura contemplates the question, trying to answer it truthfully. Honestly, she doesn't remember much of the movie because she was so busy watching Jane react to it; laughing or gasping, shaking her head in outrage.

"It had very interesting anthropological implications," Maura says carefully, smiling when Jane rolls her eyes, and pushes out the movie theatre door and onto the street.

It is late afternoon and chilly, November sweeping through the city and laying a permanent frosty feel over everything. Maura shivers a little and pulls her coat tighter looking around at Jane, who is only wearing a sweatshirt. She has pulled out her cell phone and is looking seriously pissy.

"I tell my mother I'm going to a movie, so what does she do? Call me sixteen times." She puts the phone up to her ear, and immediately lets out a snort. "Hi Janie, I see your phone is still off, so that means you're still in the movie like a good girl. I love you. Call me on the way home," Jane does her best impression of her mother.

Maura smiles politely, not voicing the stab of jealousy she feels that Jane's mother had called to check up on her daughter so many times. She resists the urge to pull out her phone and look at it. Her parents have not gotten in touch with her past a text to say they landed safely. She doubts that they would have called in the three hours she was in a movie.

"Want me to walk you to your house?" Jane asks, shoving her phone back into her pocket.

"What?" Maura says distractedly

"Do you want me to walk with you? To your house? You have to cut across the park and everything..." Jane finishes lamely.

Maura looks up at her friend curiously. She looks a little nervous, shifting from foot to foot, waiting for an answer.

The reason comes to Maura quickly, and her face softens, "nothing's going to happen to me, Jane," she says quietly.

The taller girl's face goes dark and unreadable for a moment, like a garage door sliding down behind her eyes. They haven't talked about what happened in over two months. When Maura had tried to broach the subject ("how did you disarm him?" "Did he say anything to you?" "You were bleeding the entire way home, with me in your arms"), Jane refused to talk about it, deflecting any questions or statements with humor, or a blatant change of subject.

Maura knows that Jane is still carrying guilt around, but she can't for the life of her figure out how to make it go away.

"It's broad day light. I have pepper spray," she says, trying to reassure her friend. "Nothing's going to happen," she repeats, and Jane looks at her with a stare so full and so concentrated, that Maura shudders.

"I'll go with you," Jane says, and it is her eyes, rather than her tone that are asking permission.

Maura swallows, trying to think rationally as her heart nearly explodes from her chest. "If you're going to come with me, you might as well sleep over. My parents are gone until Tuesday," Maura tries to say this as though it is no big deal. As though she has had even _one _sleep over before this.

Jane smiles, reaching into her pocket for her phone. "Great. A whole night without brothers or smothers from mothers!" she laughs at her own rhyme. "_THIS _should be a fun phone call," she sighs, as she turns towards the park.

Maura follows behind her, feeling dazed. And elated.


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you guys so much for following. make sure you let me know if you think the story is good, or if you have questions/suggestions/complaints. **

**thanks for reading :)**

**-tc**

* * *

They enter the park, the sun beginning to slip lower in the sky making the red and yellow leaves look like they are on fire. Maura notices Jane's hand twitch towards her, like she wants to hold her hand. But the brunette seems to think better of it, her hand dropping back to her side. She moves a little closer to Maura though, and glances around every so often. Alert.

"Jane?"

"Mmm."

"Why do you do that?"

Jane glances at Maura, "Do what?"

"Keep so much hidden from everyone," Maura says, glancing towards a rustling bush that turns out to be a squirrel. She has gone almost ten feet before realizing that Jane has stopped. She turns and looks back at Jane.

"What did you say?" Jane says, and although Maura thinks she reads fear on her friend's face, Jane sounds angry.

"You wanted to touch me just now. When we came into the park, I saw your hand twitch, like you wanted to hold my hand," Maura falters slightly when she sees Jane's astonished face, but she rushes on, "And sometimes I see you...I don't know...fighting with yourself. Like you don't want other people to see you. The real you."

There is a silence, and Maura feels a wave of panic wash over her. Has she ruined it.

Jane closes the space between them in three long strides. "What is the real me, Maura?" She asks quietly.

Maura takes Jane's hand, "You are smart and kind, and caring and fiercely protective. You're scared that people will think that you're not good enough, so you try to pretend that you don't care. But you care so deeply that sometimes you're afraid it will rip you apart. You put yourself between me and a man with a knife. Me, Jane! you'd known me for all of two months, and you put yourself in danger to save me from being-"

"Enough!" Jane says, and it is not a scream of volume but of intensity. Jane pulls her hand away from Maura's and she covers her face.

Maura feels helpless. She watches as Jane moves away from her, stopping after a fews steps and squatting down. She is crying, Maura realizes, great sobs shaking her slender frame. She rocks slowly from her heels to her toes, and Maura glances around, making sure that there is no one around before approaching her. She has a suspicion that Jane would hate being comforted in public even more than she hates breaking down in front of others. Jane wipes her eyes on sweatshirt sleeve, trying to steady her breathing. She looks miserable.

"I'm so sorry," Maura says quietly, "Now you see why I don't have any friends. I'm too blunt, and I say the wrong things all the time. Jane," Maura puts her hand tentatively on the girl's shoulder. "I'm so, so-"

But Jane shakes her head and stands up, already composing herself. "how can you see all of that?" Jane asks quietly, and this time she really does reach out and take Maura's hand, pulling her forward as they start to walk again. "How can you see all that, and my mother can't see a fuc-" she glances at Maura, "a thing," she corrects herself. Maura smiles at her consideration, but it is gone just as quickly as she processes Jane's question.

"I-I am very good at observation. I've had a lot of time to myself while my family travelled, and...it was just something I became good at." Maura glances at Jane. She is silhouetted by the setting sun, and the effect makes her look like she is framed in light. "Your mother," Maura pauses reciting the definition of tact in her head, trying to figure out how to apply it in this situation. "Maybe you're mother doesn't see because she's not looking," she says, looking at Jane out of the corner of her eye.

Jane looks thoughtful. "And you are looking?" she asks after a moment.

"Always."

Jane pulls her hand away to wipe at her face again, but does not respond. They walk in silence all the way to Maura's street.

"My parents are fighting," Jane says into the empty space. "A lot."

"I'm sorry, Jane," Maura says, "I didn't know."

"No one knows. Not even our priest. Dad leaves sometimes, and Ma is gone before we get up to go to work. So it's just the screaming at night, and the cookies and smiles in the afternoon," Jane runs her fingers through her hair. "And it's like, which Ma is the real one, you know?"

Maura does not know, but she nods because she understands that this is what her best friend needs. "It's hurting Frankie, but it's killing Tommy," Jane says and pain makes her face hard for a moment. She bites the edge of her lip, and even though the moment is a heavy one, Maura thinks that she will never see anything as beautiful as Jane's face.

"What about you?" Maura asks, and Jane looks down at her, but doesn't answer.

Maura stops in front of her building, tearing her eyes away from Jane's so that she can look for her key.

"Do you remember what it was like before we met?" Jane asks suddenly.

"What?"

"What was it like, for you? Before we met," Jane repeats, leaning against the brick building while Maura searches her back for her key. She stops searching abruptly, back into those familiar brown eyes.

"I don't know," she says slowly.

Jane smiles, "See? It's so weird. I don't remember how it _felt_ to not be your friend, you know?" She steps through the door that Maura holds open for her. "And sometimes that scares the shi- the crap out of me. and I don't know how to...deal with that always." Jane walks up to the elevator. "What floor do you live on?"

Maura looks confused. "What do you mean?"

"What floor do you live on?" Jane says again, unsure at how she can rephrase the question more clearly.

"Well," Maura considers the girl in front of her, "My room, and the living room I use the most are on the third floor...but the kitchen is..."

"Woah, woah woah," Jane says pushing her hands out in front of her, "Do you mean to tell me you own more than one floor of this building?"

Maura looks uncomfortable. "Well...we-we own the building, Jane," she mumbles, and Jane's jaw nearly hits the floor.

"You...own the entire building?"

"Yes." Maura waits, watching while Jane sputters incoherently.

"Oh my God! Maura...you? Oh my _GOD_."

"Jane, will you press the up button, please?" Maura says, trying to hide her smile.

* * *

Never, in her wildest dreams, did Maura Isles think that having a best friend could be this wonderful. After showing Jane the entirety of her house ("OMG a gym?" "Maura, you have a game room?" "Home theatre? How is this possible?") They had settled on the couch in Maura's living room to watch movies. Flicking through the channels, Jane had stumbled upon the Godfather, and Maura had been content, again, just to watch Jane watching her favorite show.

They had made milkshakes, in the blender in a kitchen that Maura barely knew her way around. Maura had been surprised to find the fridge and the cabinets fully stocked with anything and everything she could ever want to eat.

"How do you not know what is in your own kitchen?" Jane had asked incredulously, sitting on the counter, licking chocolate sauce off of a spoon.

"I usually order dinner out, or Rochelle makes me something. I've never really been in here."

"Rochelle?"

"Our housekeeper."

"Oh."

Milkshakes had led to pizza had led to sundaes had led to popcorn and candy. Maura found herself liking Jane more and more as she watched her wash dishes she had used and put things back where she'd found them.

"Rochelle can do all of that, you know," Maura said, running her finger along the edge of her sundae bowl.

Jane had laughed, "I will eat all your food, Maur, but I will not take advantage of your help."

But now, everything is awful, everything has changed. Maura watches Jane pull one of her sleep shirts over her head, and hears a loud ringing in her head. running from just under her sports bra, down into the waistband of her jeans is a scar. Maura tries to look away, but she can't. The ringing gets louder. She is going to pass out. She is going to be sick. She is furious. She is devastated.

"Maura? Are you okay?" Jane's voice seems to be coming from down a long tunnel.

"How could you not tell me?"

"What are you talking about?"

"What do you mean what am I talking about? Your _scar_ Jane," Maura tries to control her breathing, tries to focus on pushing back the walls of panic that seem to be giving her tunnel vision. "The doctor said that you weren't hurt badly. The doctor that was there when I woke up. YOU said it was just a scratch. But that scar is much to large for you to have only been wounded superficially. That knife must have sliced through the subcutaneous layer at least. How many stitches did you have?"

Jane looks bewildered. All she has done is change from one shirt to another, and when she pulled the sleep shirt over her head, she had turned to see Maura staring blankly at her midsection.

"Maur, I don't-"

But Maura stands up and crosses the room until she is almost nose to nose with Jane. "Jane Rizzoli, you tell me the truth. How many stitches did you get the night you saved me from that man.

Jane's face loses what little color it has left, "nineteen," she says meekly, and Maura closes her eyes, taking a shaky step backwards.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"How could that possibly have done any good?" Jane asks bitterly. "You would have looked at me like...like _that," _Jane says, pointing at Maura, "Like I've lost a puppy or something."

"Jane, you have that scar because of me."

"No, Maura. I have this scar because some bastard thought he could take advantage of you in an alley. I have this scar because there are shitheads in this world who believe 'no' means 'take me.' I have this scar because when I rounded the corner with your text book, some jackass had you pinned against a wall with his hands around your neck, and..." Jane look up from the floor into Maura's eyes, which are already swimming with tears.

"tell me."

"and you were crying, 'no, please. Jane, help me.'"


	5. Chapter 5

**Thank you all so much for the reviews! good or bad, keep them coming! **

**Thanks for following too! I'm having a lot of fun writing this. Hope this latest chapter tides you over until tomorrow night! :) **

**-t.c.**

* * *

_"I called out for you?" _

_"Yes," Jane sits down in Maura's desk chair, looking defeated. "And I started to get my cell phone out, to call 911...but he took out that knife." _

_Maura glances at Jane's side again. "I wasn't about to let him hurt you while I called the police like a chump." _

Maura wakes up in the middle of the night, her nightmare already fading. Jane is spread out next to her asleep, arms flung out on either side, hands curled into fists. She is frowning in her sleep, hard and tough even in her dreams.

Jane. The nightmare had been about Jane. She had been hurt, bleeding to death. Maura had tried to get to her, but her feet felt like cement blocks.

Maura looks down at the sleeping figure in front of her, her chest rising and falling in rhythmic motion that tells Maura she is deeply asleep. Is she breathing? Yes. Is she breathing? Yes. Maura tries to stop the panicked cycle in her head as she watches Jane sleep. People don't breath after they die, Maura states firmly in her head. She's right there. She's not hurt. Not anymore.

_"So I ran at him, as hard as I could. And he might have been bigger, but I had surprise. and I knocked him over and fell on top of him at the same time. And I felt it drag along me," Jane pauses, looking at nothing. "It didn't hurt." _

"Jane," Maura says softly, unable to help herself, but the body beside her doesn't move. Maura reaches out and puts her hand on Jane's stomach, keeping her eyes on Jane's face, "Jane?" Nothing. Maura knows that children who live in homes where fighting happens often condition themselves to sleep through anything, but that doesn't stop the panic rising inside her. People in comas breathe. Maura bites her lip. Her heart is beating so fast that she thinks that the noise of it alone will pull Jane from her slumber. She has to see it again. She has to make sure that it is not open and bleeding and seeping the life out of her best friend. Gently, she pushes Jane's tank top up her slim torso, stopping just below the bottom of her bra. She sucks in a deep breath.

_"I didn't even think. I didn't even let him get up. I kicked him in the head. Until he didn't move. Three, four times," Jane shakes her head. "You must think that I'm a monster or something, but I looked at you," Jane falters, trying not to cry, "you hadn't moved. You weren't...I thought that..." Jane looks at Maura, who has tears rolling down her cheeks, she moves as if to go over to Jane, to comfort her, but Jane shakes her head. "I wanted to make it so I could get you out of there. I had to..." Jane runs her hands through her hair." I didn't know until I got home that I was bleeding. I didn't feel anything but your heart. I picked you up and thought, as long as I can feel her heart beating then I know she'll be okay. As long as I can feel her breathing," Jane's voice catches. _

_"Oh, Jane," Maura says. She can think of nothing else to say. _

In the moon light from the window, Jane's scar looks silver against her skin. It runs down her ribcage like an calligraphic letter l, and Maura feels tears sting her eyes.

"I'm so sorry," she whispers, "about everything. About the things my mother said to you. That you are going to have to carry this around with you forever. If I could change it, Jane, I would." She kisses her pointer and middle finger, and reaches them out, touching them to the top of the scar. She feels Jane shiver, and Maura looks up to see two surprised dark eyes staring back at her in the dark.

Maura gasps, "Oh my God, Jane I- I'm so sorry. I had a nightmare that you were...and then I couldn't get the image out of my head. I had to check...and then, seeing it up close. I'm just so sorry, Jane. Please forgive me," Maura's voice breaks as she struggles to explain what she was doing.

"Again," Jane's voice is quiet, hoarse like usual, even in whisper.

"what?"

"Do it again. Please." she says, and without waisting a second, Maura kisses her fingers again and presses them to a point on Jane's stomach. Jane closes her eyes, pressing her head back into the pillow, as Maura repeats the action a third time, and a fourth.

After a while, Maura feels Jane relax, her breathing settling back down into it's slow and easy pace. She's sleeping, her brow smooth and her hands open up near her head. Maura moves forward, lying back down next to her, leaving her hand on Jane's stomach.

Jane rolls onto her side, her arm sliding up and over Maura's, wrapping her own long, delicate fingers around two of Maura's. She sighs in her sleep, and Maura stares at the back of her head, at her neck.

She wants to kiss it.

But she barely has time to register the thought, let alone panic about it, before sleep drags her back into it's warm embrace as well.

* * *

Maura wakes up to the sun streaming in her window. She yawns and moves to stretch, before realizing that her hand is still resting on Jane's bare stomach. She stares at it for a moment, her hand, and her fingers contract involuntarily, as though they know that Maura is going to move them, and they don't want to go.

the stomach underneath her hand tenses, and Maura hears a chuckle. She looks up to see Jane awake, an amused look on her face.

"If you tickle me right now? I swear I will kill you," She says.

Maura jerks her hand away, blushing crimson. "How long have you been awake?"

Jane frowns, her eyes following Maura's hand before flicking back up to her eyes. Maura watches her friend's expression harden slightly. "Not very long. You looked pretty peaceful, so I didn't want to wake you." She rolls out of bed and heads towards the bathroom, and Maura watches her go, unable to decide if she feels relieved or disappointed. She tries not to imagine Jane watching her sleep, because it makes her face feel hot and pulls at a place inside her that she is not used to feeling. She thinks about the last time she had physical contact with her mother. It was the day before she was supposed to return to Saint Catherine's after the attack. She had thought that she had a fever, and her mother had put the back of her hand to Maura's forehead for a second, before shaking her head, and suggesting that she have Rochelle find her the thermometer. Maura can't remember the last time she and her father touched.

But Jane hadn't seemed unhappy with Maura falling asleep that way. She had actually looked disappointed when Maura had pulled away, hadn't she? Maura shakes her head, trying to clear it. She has never known anyone that could inhibit her ability to think clearly. Even boyfriends she'd had in the past hadn't made her feel...

"Stop," Maura says out loud. As though verbalizing the request will make her brain acquiesce. "Don't go there. Please."

Taking advantage of Jane's absence, Maura gets out of bed and wanders to her closet, thinking of getting dressed. She opens the double doors, pressing the button that starts the conveyer belt her clothes are hung on, and stand back, trying to decide. But she can't focus. Jane being gone is definitely a bad thing, as nervous as she feels in her presence. "Jane," she calls "What are you doing today?"

"Church," Jane calls back, "and then the park, probably."

Maura looks at her watch, 7:35am. "What time is church?"

"9:30." There is silence for a moment and then, "Maura?"

"Yes, Jane."

"Do you want to come with me?"

Maura's eyes go wide as she stares unseeing at the clothes swinging past her. She'd thought that last night was a disaster, that Jane would wake up in the morning and not be able to get out of her house fast enough, and now she is proposing another day of contact. Maura's smile is so big she feels her jaw ache a little. "Are you sure?"

"If you don't mind listening to a dude yell about Hell for an hour or so, then we can go the park and enjoy the last sunny day before winter comes to Boston." Jane comes out of the bathroom behind her friend, and is glad that Maura doesn't see her mouth fall open at her closet.

Maura turns, and her face is so happy, that Jane can't help but laugh. "So yes then?"

"Yes, Jane, thank you," Maura says, but her face falls as a new realization dawns on her. "Oh no," She says, as her clothes whir around behind her, "I have absolutely nothing to wear!"


	6. Chapter 6

The Rizzoli house is noisy enough that Maura can hear it from the sidewalk, as she and Jane walk up to the front door. Jane has texted her mother to let her know that she is bringing Maura with her, and her mother has texted back seventeen happy faces in a row.

"Are you sure you don't want to change your mind?" Jane asks, pausing at the bottom of her porch steps. She looks as though she would run if she could.

"No, Jane," Maura says for the fifth time, "I would like to accompany you and your family to church."

Jane's smile is tremulous. "Ooookay. Here we go." And she bounds up the stairs and pushes open the door.

At least three people are yelling. Maura deduces that one of them must be Angela, since one voice is definitely female, and Jane's mouth is closed. The other voices are harder to distinguish.

"-don't get your but down these stairs right now, I will come up there and drag you down them myself," Angela is yelling up the stairs.

"I'm not going if Pop's not going. If he doesn't have to go to church than I don't have to go either"

Maura decides that this voice belongs to Jane's youngest brother Tommy, because when she looks around the living room, she sees that Frankie is sitting quietly on the couch, trying to tie his tie.

"If he doesn't want to go, he doesn't have to go, Angela. Lay off the kid, for Christ's sake," So this must be Jane's father Frank Sr. Maura glances at Jane, frowning when she sees that her friends hands have already begin to tighten into fists.

"I thought we could go _as a family_," Angela bellows, turning from the sink. "Oh, girls, hello," she says, blushing slightly. "Jane, honey, go talk to your father and your brother. Tell them they have to come to church."

"Ma," Jane sighs, "if Pop doesn't want-"

"God knows if someone doesn't go to church," Angela says, raising her voice so that Frank can hear her. "Hello, Maura," Angela says, and her voice has turned sweet and gentle. Maura thinks that she understands Jane's comment about not knowing which mother is the real one.

"Hello, Mrs. Rizzoli," Maura says, "Thank you so much for allowing me to come with you this morning."

Angela beams, "Well aren't you just the politest thing. Jane, go change. And speak to your father and brother."

"Can you just, hang on the couch with Frankie for a second?" Jane asks in a whisper, and Maura nods, putting her hand comfortingly on Jane's shoulder.

Jane flashes Maura a smile, "thank you. I'm sorry, I'll be right back," she whispers, and takes the stairs three at a time.

"Something appropriate for church Jane!" her mother yells after her.

Maura sits down next to Frankie, who is still trying to tie his tie. "It won't go," he says frustratedly, "Ma or Jane or Pop usually does it."

"Would you like me to try?" Maura asks, already reaching out her hands.

"Oh, I dunno," Frankie says looking uncomfortable. "You don't have to, I'm sure I can wait for Ma to..." He trails off and looks over the back of the couch at his mother, who is wrapping up a giant bowl of potato salad and muttering under her breath.

"It's okay," Maura says, reaching out again. "I don't mind. I used to tie my father's ties all the time."

Frankie sits very still as Maura's hands set to work on the fabric around his neck, as though he doesn't want to disturb her, but his eyes search her face. She can feel that he wants to say something, but doesn't know how to say it.

"Is there anything wrong, Frankie?"

Frank blushes, "Nah," he says quietly. "Well," a pause. "You're all better now? After what happened?"

Maura smiles gently. She isn't sure how old Frankie is, but judging by his over large feet and hands, and his baby smooth face, she thinks he can't be older than twelve. "I am as good as new, Frankie. Thank you for asking."

Maura finishes the windsor knot in his tie and pats it gently, "There," she says smiling at her handiwork, "You look very handsome." Frankie beams, reaching out for his sport coat and slipping it over his thin shoulders.

Someone comes thundering down the stairs, and Maura turns to see Jane...wearing a dress. It is dark brown and flowing, a little immature for a fifteen year old, but she still looks wonderful. She has on a grey cable knit sweater over it, and brown flats on her feet. Maura tears her eyes away and looks down at her lap, feeling her face get warm. She hopes that Frankie doesn't notice, but he is looking at his sister too, clearly shocked to see her in a dress.

"Tommy and Pop are coming," Maura hears her say to her mother, and her voice is hopefully triumphant.

"Thank you, baby," Angela says distractedly. "Let's go, everyone! We are going to be late! I will be damned if we have to sit in the front row again because all the other seats are taken," She yells, and Tommy and Frank come pounding down the stairs, each sporting dress pants and ties. Angela glances at the sky as she pulls the door shut behind her family. "Darned," she corrects herself, making a hasty sign of the cross. "I'll be darned."

Maura loves watching the Rizzolis interact as a family. They walk the eight blocks to the church, and Maura lags a little behind them, not wanting to interrupt any traditions or Sunday rituals they might have. In the short walk, however, Maura thinks she could write a book on their family dynamics. It gives her a sad, almost hollow feeling when she compares the loud jostling family to the outings she used to take with her mother and father. When she was little, they would go to museums, monuments, zoos, but her mother had always insisted they take the official tour of wherever they were visiting, and at the end Maura's father would quiz her on what she had learned. Maura became used to listening for buzz words and tucking them away in her mind while she daydreamed about outings with her family that were just...fun.

Jane slows down a little to walk with Maura. She hasn't brushed her hair, only pulled it back into a loose ponytail, which the wind is currently in the process of destroying. "Whatcha thinking?" Jane asks, nudging Maura in the side. Maura doesn't know how to express her jealousy without sounding rude, or making jane feel badly, so she just shakes her head, smiling.

"You family is much more boisterous than I'm used to," she say.

Jane bites her lip. Maura feels her stomach flip. "I'm not sure what boisterous means..." Jane says slowly. "It can't be a good things if you're talking about the Rizzolis, though."

"Of course it is," Maura says, laughing.

"Oh. well then, thank you," Jane says, smiling. She slips her arm through Maura's, and Maura feels her body tense at the touch. At the acute pleasure that Jane's fingers brushing past her arm.

Jane jerks back, looking upset. "I'm sorry, Maur," she says, pushing her hands into her thighs, "I didn't mean to startle you."

Maura shakes her head dumbly at Jane, unable to make her mouth move. The arm where Jane's hand was is still tingling. She tries to speak, but before she can say anything, She and Jane have caught up with the other Rizzolis, who are lingering on the steps of the cathedral. Angela has licked one of her fingers and is trying to hold Tommy still so she can wipe something off of his face. He squirms free with a squawk, and jumps up the stairs to where is father is straightening his tie. Tommy looks at his father, looks at his own tie, and tries to straighten it too.

Frankie grins at Jane and whispers to Maura, "You can still back out now."

Maura giggles. "What is it with you two?" she pretends to sigh. "I'm not leaving"

* * *

The three Rizzoli children burst out of the cathedral like it is on fire. Tommy jumps the entire flight of stairs and lands on his knees, but his face barely registers any pain. He is up and sprinting again, just as Jane and Frankie reach the bottom of the stairs. Frankie runs after him, pulling at his tie as he runs, and Jane takes three steps and then looks back for Maura, her face almost wild with excitement.

"We're _free_, Maura c'mon. They're probably playing pick up in the park!"

Maura pulls her peacoat tighter around her and descends the stairs, reaching out for Jane's hand as she gets to the bottom. Jane obliges without question, and Maura feels her heart skip a beat as their hands touch.

"Jane look out for your brothers," Angela calls from behind her. "And Maura," Angela adds, and Jane raises the hand she has locked onto Maura as proof that she has both heard and heeded her mother's request. They set off after her brothers, not talking, and Maura can tell that Jane is intent to get as far away from the church as possible.

"The sermon was," Maura tries to think of a flattering word for-

"Shit," Jane replies, dropping Maura's hand and laughing. "I hate father Paquelli. If half the things he listed would really send someone to hell, then there would be absolutely no one in heaven. Not even Jesus!"

Maura grins, and reaches her hand out again, wanting to see if Jane will take it a second time. She does, automatically, and Maura feels like crying, or laughing, or dancing...

"Why are you smiling like that?" Jane asks, frowning. "Did you like the sermon?"

"_NO_," Maura says a little too forcefully. "No, not at all. I'm just. Happy."

Jane accepts this explanation without further argument. "good."

They round the corner into the small park, and Jane's sharp intake of breath, and squeeze to her fingers make Maura look up. There in the center of the park is Joe Grant, his church tie undone and hanging loosely around his neck, and in front of him is Frankie, kneeling on the ground holding a bloody nose.

"Grant," growls Jane, hurrying into the square. She kneels down beside her brother, tilting his head back "Keep it back Frankie, that's it," She says, before standing and whirling on Joe, who is sneering that same awful sneer that Maura remembers from in front of the school.

"I am going to fu-" Jane falters on the swear, and Maura feels her heart catch. She had made Jane promise to work on her language. "kill you." Jane growls, opting to just get to the meat of her intentions.

Joe looks at his friends, who have all stepped back, torn between laughing at Frankie, and getting out of Jane's way. "Go ahead, Rizzoli, it will just solidify what I've been telling everyone."

"And what's that?"

"Oh, you didn't know I knew?" Joe's face shows mock surprise, "I thought everyone here knew. Well, everyone but Frankie, here. And when he tried to jump me for telling the truth, I had to retaliate, Jane."

"Telling the truth about what, Grant?" Jane spits, and Maura can tell by the way she leans back on her heels that she is about to be done with talking.

"Jane," Maura says, hoping her voice can convey how unwise it would be to fight Joe Grant, and how Angela will not appreciate receiving one kid home with bruises, let alone two.

Joe glances at her, and Maura remembers Jane's almost confession to her as they had walked home Friday afternoon. _It was stupid of me to show him where he could... _Maura had been certain those last words were going to be _hurt me._

"Well, Jane," Joe says, and he steps towards her. "I was just telling everyone here, young francis included, that after careful observation, and simple analysis, it is clear to me that you are a great, big, fucking dyke."

For one split second, the park goes deadly silent.


	7. Chapter 7

**Sorry for the cliffhangers, friends! Here's a chapter with some closure. Also, I saw the comment that says I change it up a lot. fluff/drama/fluff/drama etc. Not sure if this is a good things or a bad...what do you think?**

**Hope you enjoy!**

**t.c.**

* * *

Jane's first punch to Joseph Grant's face knocks him to the ground. The sound of her fist connecting with his skull makes a hard, hollow sound. And instead of watching Joey fall, Maura stares at Jane's face. Her expression makes Maura step back a couple feet. She looks dangerous. Joey hits the ground with a thud, and it takes him a couple of seconds to begin to move. Jane has moved so quickly that almost no one saw the blow coming, especially not Joey, so caught up in his taunting. Joey groans, his hands covering his eye, as he rolls back and forth on the ground. She moves to kick him in the ribs, and Maura steps forward, not knowing why she doesn't want this to happen.

"Jane," Maura calls, and Jane turns to look at her, and the fury in her features recedes a little. Guilt flashes across her face, and she drops her hands to her sides. She starts to walk back towards her friend, beckoning to Frankie, who moves towards the two girls, his hand still holding his nose.

Joey lifts his head to see where she has gone to. He sees her walking away from him and scrambles to his feet, his hand still over his eye. "You fucking cunt bitch dyke," he screams. "You're so fucking whipped. Your girlfriend calls you and you gotta go right? I am going to tell every fucking body I know about how lez you are for Isles over there, and then you will be sorry for punching my eye out. I hope your mother can still look at you after she finds out, you nasty bitch." Jane has stopped walking, but she hasn't turned around. She is looking at Maura, her face a mask of anger, and Maura realizes, with a jolt of adrenaline, that Jane is asking her permission.

Maura nods almost imperceptibly, and when Jane turns back to face Joey, the smirk he is wearing falters a little. "Bring it, gayzoli," he sneers, "no more sucker punches. I'm gonna fuck that pretty dress up."

Maura sucks in her breath, watching Jane launch herself forward. _Oh, please_, she thinks to herself. _Oh, God, let Jane be okay._

But she doesn't have to worry. Jane is both faster and smarter than Joey, and although he lands a lucky punch to Jane's collarbone, she soon has him pinned to the ground with her knee squarely in his spine

She bends down to him and says something that Maura cannot hear. Whatever she says, it makes Joey mad and he struggles to get up, but Jane's grip on his wrist tightens, and with her free hand she slams his head into the grass. Maura winces, but she realizes that she doesn't feel…bad for Joey. She watches Jane's mouth move. _Say it._

"I'm sorry for hitting you Frankie," Joe's voice comes out strangled. Jane glances up at her brother, who smiles weakly at her. She flashes a wicked grin and then glares down at Joe, twisting his arm a little harder. "I'm sorry Maura. I did not mean to disrespect you."

Maura's eyes go wide. Jane curls her lip, and Maura watches her lean forward a little bit, causing Joey to cry out in pain. Jane leans down and begins to talk to him. And although Maura can't hear what she's saying, every once in a while, Joey will nod.

Finally Jane stands, leaving Joey motionless on the ground. While she was punishing the boy, she'd looked fierce and in control, but as she turns to her brother and puts her hand on his shoulder, she just looks exhausted.

"C'mon, she says, gesturing to Maura, and guiding Frankie along, "We need to get home and get you cleaned up before Ma and Pop get home from Sunday Power Hour," Jane says, "Did you see Tommy?"

Frankie looks sideways at Jane, "He ran off when Joey started yelling about you,: Frankie says quietly, and Maura is impressed at Jane's ability to shut her panic down.

"Okay," she says, and she gives Frankie's shoulder a squeeze. "Thank you, brother. For sticking up for me."

Frankie smiles, "Of course," he says.

The rest of the walk back passes in relative silence. Maura glances at Jane when they are almost home, and is taken aback to see the beginnings of a bruise blooming on the pale skin of her collarbone. She opens her mouth to say something, but when she looks at Jane's face, she keeps her mouth shut.

Jane pushes open the door to the house slowly, like she thinks someone might jump out at her. "Clean your face and hands in the sink and then take your shirt off," Jane says "I'm going to change, I'll be right back." She gives Maura a look that is clearly asking her to stay with Frankie, and then heads up the stairs.

Frankie runs a paper towel under the tap and begins to wipe at his face. He glances at Maura. "Sorry you had to, you know, see all that stuff go down," he says quietly.

Maura shakes her head, "No, don't be silly. Joseph did not hurt me."

"Doesn't hurt, really," Frankie says shrugging, "I just wish I could have gotten him for Jane."

"Joey is a head and a half taller than you Frankie," Jane says as she descends the stairs. Maura turns around to watch her. She is dressed in jeans and a blue t-shirt. She looks amazing. "You can take him when you are older, okay? Let me see your face."

Frankie pulls the paper towel away from his face. Jane squints.

"Do you think it's broken, Maur?"

Maura reaches her hand out to touch Frankie's nose. He flinches at the contact, but doesn't cry out. "No," she says, "Just bruised."

"Jane, can I go to Shane's?" Frankie asks. Jane smiles. "Yes, of course, what am I, your mother?"

Frankie smiles and takes the clean shirt she holds out to him. He heads towards the door, but pauses, looking back. "Jane?"

"Yeah,"

"If you were gay? I wouldn't care, okay?"

Jane swallows, and Maura can see she's having a harder time keeping her face blank now. "Thank you," she manages. And Frankie smiles as he closes the door behind him.

* * *

"Jane. Talk to me. Please." Maura feels on the verge of tears. They are sitting in her room trying to get some homework done. Well, Maura is sitting, Jane is pacing back and forth, trying to work off some of her stored emotions. Maura had managed to extricate Jane from her family by offering to help Jane with her homework in a brother free environment. Angela had seemed over joyed that Jane was taking an interest in her studies. Frank Sr. had not seemed...anything. He was there in body, but his mind was somewhere else entirely.

Maura watches Jane stop at her door, resting her head against the frame.

"_Jane_," Maura pleads, but the brunette does not respond.

Maura stands up. "I don't care about your sexual preferences Jane," she says quietly. Even as she lets these words out over her mouth she is rationalizing them in her head. They are not entirely true. Maura is very interested in whether or not Jane could be attracted to her. But she forces herself to ignore that desire. Now is not the time.

Jane punches the doorframe, her fist making a loud _thwack_ on the hardwood. "Jane!" Maura says, moving towards her. She has not ever seen Jane so upset. She's not sure what to do to comfort her.

"They can't know," Jane says all of a sudden, and when Maura looks at her, her eyes are unfocused and panicky. "They can't know."

Maura reaches out for Jane's hands. "okay," she says, gripping her friends fingers tightly. The contact seems to refocus Jane. She looks down at their hands and her eyes fill with tears. "They can't find out, Maura." she whispers, tears sliding down her face.

Maura pulls Jane into an embrace. "It's okay," she says, "it's going to be alright." And now she knows why Jane had beaten Joey so thoroughly. It was not the names he had screamed at her, it was not even the taunting. It was his threat to tell everyone that had pushed Jane over the edge. The fear that her mother and father would find out that she...

"Oh, Jane," Maura says, and she lifts a hand to run her fingers through Jane's tangled hair. Jane sighs into Maura's neck, giving her goosebumps up and down her arms.

"Please don't hate me," Jane whispers into her best friend's neck, and Maura shakes her head.

"I could never. Not ever."

Jane wraps her arms around Maura's waist and pulls her closer, eliminating any space between them, and Maura bites back a moan as she feels Jane's fingers pull at her waist, trying to bring her even closer. _Get control of yourself, Maura. She needs comfort now. That's all. _But Jane feels the change in Maura's body and pulls away.

"I'm sorry," She says, running her hands through her hair. "I should go, I shouldn't have. I don't want you to think that I-"

"NO." Maura is as close to yelling as she has ever been. Jane freezes, her eyes wide. "It doesn't matter to me, Jane," Maura says.

Jane wraps her arms protectively around herself, already her eyes are freezing over, shutting down. Maura feels herself panicking, thinking about how close they were just now, and how far apart they can be if Jane chooses to stop talking.

"please," she says, trying to keep the tears out of her own voice. "Don't shut me out because of ignorant, small minded...Assholes! I see you. I've always seen you. And I love what I see. I-"

But the rest of Maura's sentence is lost in Jane's hug. And it's Maura who pulls them closer this time, And Maura who presses a gentle kiss to Jane's exposed collar bone.

"Promise it." Jane says quietly. "Promise I will always have you."

Maura doesn't even think.

"I promise."


	8. Chapter 8

**wow 50 followers. I love it! Thank you all so much! **

**Y'all really wanted maura to have some revenge on dumbass grant, so here it is. hope you are enjoying so far. It's about to get rocky, guys. You know what Jane's like when she feels scared. **

**enjoy!**

**t.c.**

* * *

They fall into a routine. If Maura's parents are in town, they have to limit their contact to school, and Jane walks Maura to the T before heading for home herself. If Maura's parents are out of town, Jane and Maura split the time between the two houses. Maura loves these times more than anything she has ever done. Angela Rizzoli cooks better than anyone she's met, and Frankie and Tommy are by turns endearing and enraging.

"They treat you like family," Jane says one night, as they climb the stairs to her room. "They're not trying to impress you." She says this apologetically, but it makes Maura feel like she's won the lottery.

Maura is very careful at school and at the Rizzoli household to keep a safe distance form Jane so that she is not tempted to reach out ant touch her. Although Jane is convinced that she has beaten Joe Grant into submission, Maura doesn't want to give him any reason to start to taunt her again. Or, God forbid, spread any rumors. At dinner, she sits beside Frankie so she doesn't reach for Jane's hand under the table. They haven't yet talked about Jane's confession, and Maura doesn't want to push her. They are still as close as they have always been, and whenever Maura reaches for Jane, the brunette has answered without protest. She seems to enjoy the contact, although she is rarely the one to initiate it. It makes Maura a little bit sad, to watch Jane interact with everyone in a friendly but detached sort of way, as though she is waiting for the other person to tell her that they don't really like her. As if she has already made up her mind that this is what the other person thinks.

Only when she is alone with Maura does Jane become outgoing, warm, affectionate. Seeing Jane laugh out lout at some stupid movie they are watching, or do the robot around her kitchen makes Maura feel torn. She wants other people to be able to see the Jane she has come to know, but she also wants to keep this Jane, this sweet and special girl, all to herself.

The months slip by without incident, and Boston gets its first light dusting of snow in late-December, on the last day of classes before winter break. Maura is at her locker, getting ready to go meet Jane out front. They are spending the night at Maura's house before she leaves to spend the winter holiday in Spain with her parents. She is dreading saying good-bye to Jane, panicking that in her absence, Jane will find a new confidant, will decide that Maura is boring, will find someone or something much better.

A shadow falls over her locker and she looks up to see Joe Grant leaning against the locker next to hers. She swallows her discomfort, "Joseph," she says curtly, hoping that her voice doesn't betray her racing heart.

"Bora," he smiles. "Where's your almighty protector?"

Maura studies Joe carefully, tilting her head to the side. "You know that Jane is out front Joseph. You know she's out there waiting for me, either because she told you when you asked her, or because you saw her and assumed," Maura says cooly, ignoring the shock on Joe's face and closing her locker. "You know almost everything that Jane does," she continues, swinging her bag over her shoulder, "because you're in love with her."

Joe's face turns beet red. His arms shoot out as if to grab her, but she has already planned for this, and she steps forward and swings her bag up into his groin.

Joe squeaks in pain as he drops to his knees. Maura shakes her head, making a tsk sound between her teeth. She bends down to look Joe in his eyes, which are watery.

"Jane's not the only one who knows your weaknesses Joseph. It wasn't the best plan though was it? threatening to spread damaging rumors about her? I thought you might have more brains, but I was mistaken," Maura stands up, pushing her hair behind her ears. "I'm not asking you, Grant," she says, trying to make her voice sound rough like Jane's. "Stay away from the Rizzolis. Jane's not the only one who can make you cry like a baby." And with that, she turns on her heel and heads towards the doors of the school, glad, at least, that she will not have to see it for three full weeks.

Jane is standing at the bottom of the stairs, hopping from foot to foot and blowing into her hands. Her face lights up when she sees Maura, who feels her smile widen too.

"Ready?" Maura says, reaching out her arm experimentally. Jane loops her own arm through lazily.

"Definitely," Jane says. "Oh! I almost forgot!" She pulls a crumpled piece of paper out of her pocket and hands it to Maura who smooths it out. It is Jane's report card, and she has all As except for math, where she has a B.

"Jane!" Maura says, spinning to hug the brunette. "I knew you could do it!"

Jane looks like she might burst from happiness. "I've been waiting all day to show you. Thought you'd never come out. What took you so long?"

Maura smirks, "quick thing I had to take care of," she says. Jane doesn't press the point.

* * *

Jane has fallen asleep. As the credits roll, Maura looks over to see her sprawled across the bed. Maura smiles, trying to resist the urge to jump on Jane and wake her. But then Jane whimpers, and Maura's happiness dissolves. She moves to the bed, sitting down on the edge, and reaches out. Usually, when Jane has nightmares, Maura will rub her stomach, maybe hum a little until the dark eyebrows un-crease and Jane's breathing becomes regular again. But before she can make contact, Jane whimpers again. "Maura," she says quietly.

Maura freezes, hand hovering about the skinny frame. In her sleep, Jane's face crumbles a little, and her hands jerk up and then back, tightening into her signature fists. "Maur, please. I'm sorry. _please_."

Maura leans over, placing her lips to Jane's ear, with her free hand she rubs Jane's arm, "Jane. wake up, it's just a dream."

Jane jerks awake, catching a sob in her throat. Her eyes are wild and disoriented, and Maura slides down next to her slipping an arm around Jane's waist. She feels Jane's stomach flutter.

"It was just a dream," Maura says lightly, her mouth still by Jane's ear. Jane shudders. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Jane hesitates.

"You said my name," Maura says, "You said my name and you said, _please." _Jane tenses in Maura's arms, and Maura feels dread slip down into her stomach like an ice cube. "Jane-"

"I'm gonna miss you, Maura," Jane says, rolling in her friend's arms until they are facing each other. In the pale light of the TV, Maura's eyes look unearthly. Jane closes hers, trying to figure out her thoughts. "You went to Spain and you didn't come home," she says quietly. "You told me that happened when you were living in Tuscany. You went on vacation and it turned into living."

Maura studies Jane in the semi darkness. She reaches out and pushes hair back from Jane's face, and feels the other girls stomach flutter again. Jane's eyes open, and for a moment, Maura watches Jane stare at her lips.

"You said you were sorry," Maura says, "In your sleep."

Jane's eyes dart up to meet Maura's an then away again, lower this time. "You stayed away," Jane says slowly, "because of me. Because I hurt you."

"Jane, I could never..._you _would never."

Jane shuts her eyes tight, and Maura reaches out and traces her finger across Jane's jawline, down to her collarbone and back. Then she leans in and kisses Jane's collar bone. Once, twice, three times.

Jane whimpers, "I can't."

"Why?" Maura asks, "Surely you can tell I want it."

Jane nods, her eyes opening and locking onto Maura's with intense sadness. "I know. And I can't give it to you. Do you know how hard it would be on you? how careful we would have to be. And it's hard enough already. I see you deliberately avoid me in public spaces."

Maura gapes at Jane. There is so much Jane sees that Maura doesn't realize. Of course Jane always took her hand when Maura asked. Of course she let Maura hold her and hug her in private. She had seen Maura's crush from the beginning.

"What can I give you, Maura? More pain?"

"It doesn't hurt, Jane," Maura says. "It feels wonderful." and she kisses Jane's jaw, her ear, reaches up and runs her hand through Jane's hair." Jane moans softly, which only fuels Maura's desire. She slips her hand under Jane's t-shirt, an action she has done many times before in an act of comfort. Never in an act of desire.

"I can't ask you to-"

"Ask me," Maura whispers, her mouth just above the neck of Jane's t-shirt. "Don't be afraid of my. Don't shut me out. Ask me." she feels Jane's stomach tense and relax in time to her kisses.

"Be my girl-friend, Maura. _please. _I'm so sorry I can't give you everything that you deserve right now. But if you just stay with me, and help me...I know I can...I will try to...just...be my girlfriend."

And Maura nods, leaning down and pressing her lips to Jane's, still nodding and crying.

The TV goes dark with the very end of the credits, so Maura feels rather than sees Jane's arms as they wrap around her, pulling her closer, long fingers working their way up under her shirt to hold her in the small of her back.

It's their first kiss.

Maura couldn't have dreamed it any better.


	9. Chapter 9

**Okay, this is a little heavy, but I just don't believe that Jane Rizzoli would suddenly be okay with a new relationship. especially one with Maura. Definitely let me know what you think because it will heavily impact the next chapter. If you don't review I'm just gonna write what's in my head. Hope you enjoy it. **

**-t.c.**

* * *

Jane wakes with a start, momentarily disoriented. The sun is streaming through the window in Maura's room, falling across her face. Jane supposes this is what has awoken her. For a while, she lies very still, trying to come to terms with what happened last night. She had asked Maura to be her girlfriend, and Maura had accepted. They had kissed. Jane feels her heart speed up as she remembers Maura's lips on hers and her hands wrapped in her hair. It had been so _nice _just to let it happen. Jane feels Maura shift beside her, still sleeping, and she feels like she has been dipped in ice water. _she and Maura had kissed. She had asked Maura to be her girlfriend. _As the warm feeling leaves her and the panic starts to take her place, Jane curls her fingers into her palms, trying to send all her agitation to one central spot where she can control it.

_"Ask me. Don't be afraid of me. Don't shut me out." _Jane rolls onto her side, trying to keep the heaving sobs in her chest so that she doesn't wake the blonde sleeping next to her. Maura is leaving today. she is leaving for the entire school holiday, and Jane does not know if she will come home. The worry that Jane had tried to admit last night hits her like a fist in the stomach. What if Maura doesn't come back?'

"Jane?" Maura's sleepy voice makes her jump.

"I'm here," Jane says back, relieved when her voice doesn't hold any hint of tears. Maura slips her arm around Jane's hip and pulls herself closer so that they are spooning. Jane feels herself tense and hates her body for betraying her. Maura sits up, immediately alert. "Jane?" her tone makes the brunette want to cry. Like someone has kicked a puppy. "Are you okay?" Jane tries to make herself answer, but nothing comes out of her mouth. She tries to roll over so she can face Maura, but her body doesn't seem to want to move. A piece of her dream flashes across her mind, quick as a flash of lightening. Tommy, dancing in front of her, just out of reach, turning back to look over his shoulder at her, an ugly sneer on his face. _God's gonna get you._

For all of her rants about how stupid her religion is, how there's no way that what she reads in the bible can be completely true, Jane can't help but feel a jolt of terror when she thinks of what God might think of her kissing Maura. More than God, Jane cannot envision a future where her father supports this decision. Her mother, having come to catholicism later in life, maybe, with time. But her father has believed everything in the bible since his grandfather read it to him in italian when he was six. No, no way. Jane holds herself still as a wave of nausea slides through her body. Her father and God are too wrapped up in her head for her to distinguish which might be merciful and which might reign wrath down upon her. _God's gonna get you._

Jane pushes her nails deeper into her palms, squeezing her eyes tight against the memory of Tommy's gloating little voice.

All of a sudden she feels two cool hands on hers, pulling her fingers apart. Maura rubs at Jane's palms, trying to loosen her fists. Jane opens her mouth to say something, but all that comes out is a sob, that sounds as though someone has ripped it from her chest. Maura's hands stop for a moment, disappear and reappear on Jane's shoulders, pulling her up and around so that she is facing the blonde teenager, her hazel eyes worried and intense as the search Jane's face.

Jane stares back. She wants to memorize every inch or Maura's face, wants to take a picture with her brain the way a camera would and then lock it away forever. something to pull out and hold close when things seem hard.

"Tell me," Maura says, and it's clear she has been watching Jane's face change with her thoughts.

Jane swallows, "When you lived in Tuscany-"

But Maura's face softens, and she pulls Jane into an embrace before Jane can finish her statement. "I'm coming home to you," She says into Jane's hair, and the brunette thinks that if she could just hold on to this moment, where she is in Maura's arms and she feels like all is right with the world, then she wouldn't care what anyone else in the world thinks. "The timing of this is unfortunate," Maura says, squeezing Jane a little and leaning down to kiss her temple. Jane relaxes into her touch automatically, loving it, loving the way Maura's lips send shivers through her body.

"Maur," She says, into Maura's neck, feeling Maura's breath hitch. "I don't think I can-"

"I know you want me, Jane Rizzoli," Maura says, tightening her grip. "I know that you are terrified and that you are thinking about your family and probably your religion, but-" she stops and lifts Jane's face to hers, kissing her, pulling back and kissing her again. Jane feels her body get warm all over. If there is a God, if heaven is real, Maura's mouth is heaven. "I know that you feel that too," Maura says quietly. "I'm not leaving you, honey," Maura says, and Jane half smiles at the new name. "I'm not leaving you. I will write you and text you and think about you every minute of every day. And I. will. come. back." Maura looks Jane in the eyes. "to you. okay?"

Jane nods, feeling calmer. and she watches Maura get out of bed and pad off towards the bathroom.

_God's gonna get you. _

"shut up," Jane growls to herself, and reaches for her sweatshirt.

* * *

_Dear Maura, _

_Happy New Year! I'm not really sure what time it is in Barcelona, and I'm too lazy to open up another window on the computer and google it, so for the purposes of this email I'm just going to pretend that you are on the same time zone as me. Everything is going okay over here. It's Frankie's birthday in three days, and Ma is still trying to talk him into a Power Rangers birthday theme, can you believe it? He's turning thirteen and he says he wants a party at night! And he wants girls to come! Can you believe it? Pop slapped him on the back and said "my boy!" all proud, and you could kinda tell that Ma was hurt. Remind me in April to let Ma throw me whatever kind of sweet 16 party she wants. It will be ponies or something I'm sure. _

_How is Spain? Are you having any fun? Your last message was kind of sad (except for the part about wanting to kiss me) and I wish that I was there to make you laugh and pretend to paint mustaches on all the famous paintings. Remember that you mother wanted you there, she called and told you she had booked you a flight. Some part of her must have missed you. _

_I thought about telling Frankie last night. Ma and Pop were going at it again, and he came in and we couldn't get back to sleep so we played some cards. They were yelling about money and all this stupid shit, and Frankie says, "I wish that we weren't catholic so we could all be happy." I swear to God that's what he said. And I wanted to tell him right there about how much I like you, but then Tommy came in (I KNOW!). He tried to play it off like he heard us talking, but you could tell he'd been crying. So I let him play my hand, and then they both fell asleep in my bed, the little punks. I stayed up til Pop stormed out around three. Happy New Year. seriously. _

_I'm still trying to get over what Frankie said. It would definitely solve Ma and Pop's problems. They could divorce. But wouldn't God hate me more for turning my back even further on him? _

_Being with you, kissing you is like the most wonderful thing that I've ever felt. But what if God really thinks that it is wrong? That's definitely what my father would say. What if He doesn't forgive me? What if Pop can never look at me? What if when I'm with you, I don't care?_

_Anyway, I attached a picture of Me and Frankie in our sweaters from my Nona Rizzoli. Frankie says hi. _

_I miss you, Maura. Please come home to me soon. _

_Love_

_me. _

**Dear Jane, **

**"Light dawns in the darkness for the upright, gracious, merciful, and righteous." Psalms 112:4"**

**You are all of these things. God would never turn his back on you for finding happiness. **

**Happy New Year, pretty girl. I will come home to you soon. **

**of course I will**

**Maura.**

Angela Rizzoli turns off the computer and stares at the blank screen for a minute. Outside she can hear her little girl and her oldest boy playing in the driveway, snow basketball, a game of their own invention. She wipes up the tears that have fallen onto her cheeks impatiently, trying to steady her breathing. _Her baby girl. _

She reaches for the phone, dialing the number from heart, before her mind has completely decided that this is what she has to do.


	10. Chapter 10

**I can't even begin to tell you guys how wonderful you all are for reviewing. I hope you like what I came up with. It is totally different than where I was going, but I like it, and It brings Maura home faster, and who doesn't want that. **

**Socks-lost, you made me cry of happiness in public. thank you for the comment. **

**and thank you also to the guest who shared personal thoughts about coming out to catholic parents. **

**I hope you enjoy, and keep telling me what you think, and keep coming back for more!**

**t.c.**

* * *

Jane, Frankie and Tommy make their way home from the park, soaking wet, freezing cold, and flushed with happiness. The first real snow of the season pulled the Rizzoli siblings out of bed at dawn. Angela had only been able to keep them inside long enough to wolf some breakfast before they'd bundled up and headed outside.

Jane had noticed how her mother's eyes lingered on her face when she handed her her eggs. "Thanks, Ma,"

"You're welcome, baby. You kids are going to be at the park all day?"

Tommy had nodded, the excitement making him look younger than his nine years.

"Yeah, snow fort, snow ball fight, sledding," he'd listed the tasks off on his fingers with the seriousness of a businessman.

"Busy day" their mother had said, smiling a smile that did not quite reach her eyes.

"You need help before I go, Ma?" Jane had asked, lingering at the door.

Angela had looked at Jane for a long time before saying, "No, honey. Thank you."

"Okay. See you Ma. Love you."

"I love you too, Jane. Watch after your brothers."

"Yeah, yeah."

Now, as she moves to cross the street, she feels a snowball slam into the side of her face. She whirls to see Tommy collapse in fits of laughter.

"Hey!" Jane yells, but she can't keep up her anger. She has not seen Tommy laugh like this in a long long time. She throws a fake punch at Frankie as he runs past her, and Tommy comes running at her, jumping onto her back.

"Piggy me, Jay!" he says, and Jane complies happily. This is the first time she's felt genuinely happy since she watched Maura get in a cab and drive off towards the airport.

They start singing as they near their house, and Jane wonders if her parents are inside. If they can hear the familiar song.

_ they'll never come home again, again_

_they'll never come home again. _

_Oh Daddy we wanna be pirates, we wanna go sail the seas_

_we wanna eat candy and run with the wolves and go to bed when we please_

_oh mama please don't forget us, and please don't cry for us._

_but we aren't children, we are BEASTS and we must run, we must!_

_And we'll never come home again, again_

_we'll never come home again!_

Jane stops singing and stops abruptly at the bottom of the porch stairs, dropping Tommy to the ground. She feels her stomach tighten unpleasantly. Frankie nearly walks into her.

"Jane, what the-" but he stops talking too, because he can hear it now too. All three of the children stare at their house as though it is a monster that has come to life.

Before Jane can process what she is hearing, and consider how it will affect her youngest brother, Tommy has darted up the stairs and pushed the door open, throwing her parent's screaming voices into sharper relief.

"No, Tommy, _shit_." Jane hisses, and she creeps up the stairs after her brother, Frankie close behind her.

"-Ripping our family apart," Angela is shouting as Jane motions for Frankie to shut the door behind him. They crouch in the entry way, listening. "Like I don't know where the money is _going_, Frank. Like I'm just your dumb wife."

"Well right now, you are definitely acting like it. God damn it, Angela you are making something out of nothing, you know that?"

"Do you have any idea what this is doing to our children? I spoke to Father Pat, and he says that-"

"You _spoke to the priest?"_ Franks voice is incredulous, "I can't believe that you would take our business and..."

Jane tries to shut out the screaming by looking at her brothers. Tommy is listening intently, he face a mask of anger, his little chin stuck out at a defiant angle. He is trying not to cry, Jane knows, and her heart breaks a little for him. She wants to tell him that he doesn't have to be so tough. But he is a Rizzoli. And he does.

She glances at Frankie, who meets her eyes and grimaces slightly.

"I want you out." Angela's voice is cold and certain. "I will not hurt our children because of your pride. I won't do it."

Jane feels a new respect and a fierce pride wash over her as her mother says these words. Is it possible that she has been watching her children all along? That she knows more than she's been

letting on?

"Fine by me," Frank says. "I can crash some place until you come to your senses. But if you think I'm helping out while I'm gone, then you've got another thing coming."

This seems to be the last straw for Tommy. He bursts into the living room, and Angela gives a little shriek of surprise. Jane goes after him, then, reluctantly, Frankie.

"No, Dad," Tommy says, "Don't go."

"What the hell is this?" Frank says indignantly, looking at Angela as though she has planned an ambush.

"Jane," Angela says, and Jane reaches for Tommy, but she shifts out of her reach, eyes still on his father.

"Dad. If you're going, then I'm gonna come too," He moves to the stairs. "Just let me pack some things okay, dad?"

For a moment, Frank looks at Tommy, and his face is almost sad. Then he shakes his head and turns towards the door.

"Dad!" Tommy moves to follow him, but Angela grabs him, holding him back. Frankie is looking at his father's retreating back with such a look of disgust that it makes Jane feel physically ill.

"DAD! Just let me get some things, Dad!" Tommy is screaming now, from Angela's arms, fighting with all he has to get away from her. He starts to cry, hitting at his mother trying to make her let go. She doesn't Just redoubles her hold on him, not saying a word.

Jane follows her father out into the entry hall. "Can't you hear your son?" She asks him, keeping her voice low. "How the fuck can you just-"

But he whirls on her suddenly pinning her against the wall of the front hall. his hand firmly on her chest, not hard enough to hurt, but hard enough to let her know that he could. If he wanted to.

She is almost as tall has he is now, and when she looks defiantly back into his eyes, she realizes with a dizzying jolt, that he knows. How he knows about her, she can't say. Her mind flashes quickly to Joey, wondering if he did indeed make good on his promise.

He presses her a little harder against the wall and points at her with his free hand, and his mouth works as though he wants to say something.

"Daddy," she says quietly, pleading. "Don't leave us. Don't do this to Tommy. I'm sorry."

He shakes his finger a little bit, and then his head.

"If it were up to me..." he whispers harshly and then breaks off. looking away. "bah, what does it matter."

"Dad-"  
"You're not my daughter." he says quickly. definitively. And with that, he releases her, letting the door slam behind him.

Jane slides to the floor, resting her head on her knees. She listens to her father's boots stump down the porch steps. Listen to Tommy's screams as he continues to try and free himself from his mother. Jane holds herself very still, willing the tidal wave of grief and guilt to be gentle. It is not, and soon she is crying so hard that she can't hear her brother anymore. Crying so hard that she doesn't hear Frankie, sweet, wonderful Frankie, come into the hall and slide down to sit next to her, putting his head on her shoulder.

"I'm sorry Frankie," Jane says after a while, sliding her arm around her brother. She wants to tell him then. Tell him and have him look at her and say it's okay, that he still loves her, and he's still her brother, but-

"I'm not," Frankie says simply, and Jane lifts her head to look at him.

He offers her a small smile, "Now I can finally fucking sleep."

* * *

Maura rests her head against the window pane, giving up trying to read the book in her lap. She can't think of anything but Jane. She hasn't heard from the brunette in over 72 hours, and her stomach does weird nervous somersaults when she mentally calculates all the things that could have happened to her girlfriend.

_It snowed there yesterday. The rate of car accidents increases ten fold in the snow. Kids also get hurt more on black ice and in sledding accidents._

Her train of thought is ended as her phone buzzes beside her. She picks it up and feels her heart rate pick up as the name of a non-existent boy flashes on the screen. she presses the button to pick up the call.

"Jane," She says, unable to keep the relief out of her voice. She'd programmed the phone to read a boys name in case her mother saw it ring, but every time she got a text from "James" she felt a blush creep across her face.

"No," the voice on the other end says. "It's Frankie. Sorry, I stole Jane's phone."

And just like that, the panic is back. "Frankie? what is it? Jane? Is it Jane?" Maura stands up, the forgotten book tumbling to the ground.

"No. I mean, yes. look, I know you're in Catalonia, or something. But can you come home? Can you come back to Boston? Jane really, really needs you."


	11. Chapter 11

**Sorry for the delay guys. Chapter 12 will be up tonight though, so, it's like a double feature. Annnd! Maura's home. **_  
_

**hope you like it!**

**-t.c.**

* * *

_Dad's gone. _

_What? _

_He left. Well, Mom kicked him out. I think she realized that the fighting was really, like…making Tommy upset. _

_Oh, God…_

_He said something to Jane, when he left, and she's... really upset. _

_He said something? _

_Yeah, I dunno, when he left, she tried to stop him. _

_Is she hurt, Frankie? Are you hurt? _

_Umm…_

_Physically. _

_No. _

_I'm coming. Okay? I'm coming. Give me your e-mail, we can meet when I land. I'll send you where to go…_

* * *

The flight is agony. Maura looks out the window trying to judge by the clouds if the plane is actually moving forward. She feels it is totally possible that they could just be hovering in midair, not going anywhere. Not getting closer to Jane. _Jane_. She closes her eyes, working on calming her racing heart.

Her mother had driven with her to the airport, the air in the taxi heavy with tension. When they'd pulled up the terminal, Constance had put her arm out, stopping her daughter from exiting.

"Maura, I know that you and I have not spent a lot of time together over the past couple of months, but you must remember that I am not an ignorant woman," she had paused, looking at her daughter's confused face with detached condescension. "You and I both know that there is no school emergency that is calling you back to Boston." She held up her hand to stop Maura's protestation. "You have never been able to lie, darling. Now, I don't know if you are simply tired of Spain, if you wish to be back with your friends from Saint Catherine's, or…if you have to return home to some young man that just cannot wait to see you." Constance stopped speaking until Maura had lifted her eyes to look her in the face. "Remember this, Maura. You are an Isles. You go home and do whatever it is you _must_ do, but do not forget your name, and what it represents. I will not tolerate any actions that portray you to be less than what you are. Do I make myself clear?"

Maura had rearranged her features into what she hoped was pleasant disinterest. "Perfectly. Thank you for the ride, Mother."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we are beginning our descent into Boston, please make sure that all your seat backs are in their upright position and you carry-ons are properly stowed…" Maura jerks awake suddenly, unable to remember falling asleep. She looks out her window and watches the grey concrete Boston spring up underneath the plane. She does not even try to control her heart beat now. _Jane, _she thinks, and a smile spreads across her face. More than anyplace she's ever seen, she is happy to see this snowy little city. More than any time in her life she feels the word home in her chest. In her heart. She's coming home.

* * *

"Frankie, I don't understand why we had to come all the way out here just for sandwiches and hot chocolate."

Maura thinks that she has never heard any sound as beautiful as Jane's exhausted, harassed sounding voice.

"You needed to get out, Jane," Frankie answers, and he sounds tense.

"But, Sheesh, Frankie, this hot chocolate is gonna cost like four bucks a cup. Look where we are."

Unable to stand it any longer, Maura turns towards the voices, seeing Frankie first. He looks older than Maura remembers him, taller. He catches her eye, and relief floods his face. He nudges his sister and points, and Jane's eyes follow his finger finally meeting Maura's. Her face goes blank.

"M-Maura?" She blinks a couple times, as if she doesn't trust what she's seeing.

Maura stumbles forward, pulling Jane into her arms and squeezing the skinny frame as though she is trying to fuse them together. At first Jane is rigid in her arms, but Maura doesn't let go, and after a moment, she feels Jane's arms snake around her waist. Maura tries to stop the tears that are welling in her eyes. "I missed you so much!" She says into Jane's ear. Jane pulls back, looking around at the couple of people in the coffee shop, nervous. She takes Maura's hand and leads her out onto the sidewalk. Her face seems to be frozen in permanent shock.

"What…what are you…how?" she says turning to look from Maura to Frankie, who is grinning slyly.

"I stole your phone," Frankie says proudly, "You know, those days when you wouldn't get out of bed?"

Maura frowns at this new piece of information. "I told her that you really needed to her to come home."

"And I came," Maura says, squeezing Jane's hand, who looks down at the sudden pressure, surprised.

"You came all the way back from Spain? Because Frankie…" She trails off, looking more and more confused.

Maura smiles reassuringly, "Frankie knows, Jane," she says, and Frankie nods, his look of pride only growing.

"You…what?" Jane's look of confusion changes immediately to apprehension.

Frankie laughs, "yeah, when was the last time you asked anyone for permission to kick the shit out of Joey Grant? Or anyone for that matter?"

"Language," Jane says automatically.

Frankie laughs harder, "See? That's new too. No more swearing," Frankie shrugs under Jane's appraising eyes. "You were really upset. Ma's really busy with Tommy…"

Jane drops Maura's hand to pull her brother into a hug. "Thank you Frankie," She says, her voice tight with emotion. "You are the best guy, the best brother, anyone could ever ask for."

Not used to any over emotion besides anger from his sister, Frankie hugs her back briefly, his face bright red, before pushing her away. "Yeah, yeah, can I go now? I'm supposed to meet Shane." He tries to look like he wants to go, but Maura knows he is really asking Jane's permission. That he won't leave her side until he knows she's okay.

Jane shoves her hand in her pocket and pulls out a twenty. "Go to the arcade, or the movies or whatever. On me, bro."

Frankie beams. "I can bring Maura to you more often if it means cash money!" he jokes, and with one bashful look at Maura, he heads down the street back to the T.

"Maura," Jane says, quietly, and Maura turns to see Jane just staring at her. "You're really here."

"I am," Maura says, stepping up the curb and raising her hand for a taxi. "Let's go home."

"Lie down. You look exhausted," Maura puts her suitcase down just inside her door and points to her bed. Jane hesitates a split second before obeying, slipping of her shoes, and then after a second of hesitation, her jeans which are soaked with snow run off up to the ankle. Maura smiles at her consideration, and then tears her eyes away from Jane, in her boy shorts and t-shirt. She opens her suitcase, rooting around in it for the present she got in Barcelona.

"Are you going to lie down with me?" The voice is so unlike Jane's that Maura has to turn around, almost sure that someone else has entered the room. It is Jane, eyes shut against her question, like she can't bear to see Maura answer if she's going to decline, and curled under the covers like a little girl.

Maura nearly forgets what she was looking for, the sight of Jane almost makes her stop breathing. "Of course," she says, and hurries over to the other side of the bed, sliding under the covers in her dress. She wraps her arms around Jane, pulling her close, running her fingers into her hair, down to the base of her skull and back up, feeling Jane sigh and relax against her.

"You've lost weight," Maura says, frowning, pulling the other girl's hips against her. Measuring them against her memory.

"I kept forgetting to eat," Jane says, not even bothering to deny it.

Maura can't wait any longer, "Jane, what happened? Frankie said that-"

"he knows, Maura," Jane sounds close to tears.

"Frankie? Yes, we've already established that. But he doesn't care, he-"

"_No. _My Father."  
Maura stops rubbing Jane's head. "What?"

Slowly, trying to keep the tears out of her voice, Jane recounts what happened in the hall the day her father walked out. Maura feels her blood start to boil as the story comes to a close.

"Jane," She says, realizing, "You father did not leave because of you."

Jane shrugs in her arms, "Of course he did, Maur," She says, and her voice is so resigned that Maura doesn't know how she could convince her otherwise.

Jane rolls onto her back and stares up at the ceiling. Maura leans in and kisses Jane's cheek. She can't help it. She feels like she's let her down. She promised to be there when Jane needed her. She promised everything would be okay. _Promise me I will always have you. _

She traces her finger up Jane's arm. "Are we breaking up?"

Jane jerks her head around to look at Maura, her eyes horrified, "You want to?"

"God, no! I just thought…I thought…"

"When he said that…after he was gone, I just wanted," Jane pauses, squinting up at the ceiling, "I just wanted you there." She puts her hands out, like a surrender. "I just wanted you here."

Maura doesn't think she will ever be able to pull Jane close enough to her after this confession. She nuzzles into Jane's neck until she giggles, pushing at the blonde's shoulders so that they are eye to eye.

"Maura?"

"mm?"

"Can I kiss you?"


	12. Chapter 12

Jane pulls reluctantly away from Maura's lips. She's starting to get light headed from lack of air. Maura moans grumpily as Jane's lips part with hers, but she doesn't stop kissing Jane. While Jane takes deep breaths, trying to regroup, Maura rolls on top of her, kissing along her jaw line, down her neck to her chest.

"Maura," Jane whispers, "You have to stop, I can't...think when you do that." But Jane's hands cling to her, and she arches her back suddenly when Maura bites at her neck. She's been dreaming of this day since she left for Spain, and now that it is here, she can't get enough.

"You are too skinny," She grumbles, wrapping her arms around Jane's waist, feeling her leg slide between the brunettes.

Jane sighs, letting Maura run her hands across her stomach and up her sides, smiling into the kiss that Maura leans down to place on her lips. One of her hands massages the back of Maura's neck, and the other clutches at the sheets by her side. "Maura..."

Hearing her name whispered like that sends shivers down Maura's spine, and she kisses Jane again, rocking forward as she does, pressing herself against Jane. _It feels so good. _And for a moment, Jane pulls her closer, gasping, desperate, whispering Maura's name like a prayer.

But then Jane is shaking, pushing Maura away, squirming out from beneath her, eyes wide.

"Jane?" Maura says, sitting back on her knees, and she's trying to not to look as devastated as she feels. "Did I hurt you? Are you okay?"

Jane pulls her knees up to her head, curling into the fetal position. She shuts her eyes.

"Jane?"

"I've never done this before," she says, and the sentence comes out all in a rush.

Maura frowns, "Done what?"

"Any of this. Kissing...touching...I'm not..." Jane opens her eyes, and Maura feels herself melting. Jane looks terrified. "I'm afraid, Maur. You know what you're doing better than I do, and when I...I don't..."

But Maura smiles gently and reaches out to uncurl Jane's body, "Come here, honey," She says, lying down and pulling at Jane, who resists for half a second, before letting Maura roll her onto her side so they are facing each other. "I'm sorry," She says, tugging on Jane's ear, "I'm just so happy to see you, I missed you so much. But I will never do anything that you're not ready for. Not ever, okay? I want to do this _with_ you, not to you."

Jane's fear melts away, and she snuggles closer to Maura, kissing her throat. "I wish I could stay here forever. I wish there was no world to hurt us." Jane whispers, and Maura tightens her grip, trying, in her head to reconcile the tough fearless Jane with the gentle, nervous, vulnerable teen that is laying next to her. She wants to be the person that helps Jane bring those two pieces together, that helps her show her weaknesses in a way that does not invite attack.

Jane nudges Maura, "You lost in that big brain of yours?"

Maura smiles, "I'm just thinking about how glad I am to know you."

Jane smiles, but sobers quickly, "Maura?"

"mmm."

"I'm a virgin."

Maura nods, considereing, "I am too, in a way. I've never been with a woman."

Jane blushes all the way down into her t-shirt. "_Woman,_ Maura, jesus, I'm not a woman."

Maura laughs, "Of course you are. You're definitely not a kid. And it's okay," Maura says, running her hand over Jane's face. "I only want, what you want."

"Maura?"

"Jane."

"Promise it."

Maura doesn't think. "you will always have me."

* * *

Dinner at the Rizzoli's is just as loud as it always has been but now that Frank is gone, there seems to be less tension in the air. When Jane and Maura enter the living room from the hall, They can hear yelling, but they round the corner to see both Frankie and Tommy yelling at the video game they are playing.

"You are totally cheating, there's no way you could have gotten that many power bars without using the cheat."

"I'm just that good," Tommy shoots back. He is standing up, shaking the controller at the screen as though his physical movements will translate to the screen.

Jane smiles at the scene and turns to the kitchen. "Hi, Ma."

Angela looks up from cooking, and smiles. "Hi, baby. Hello Maura,"

Maura hears the curtness in Angela's voice, but works hard to make sure her face doesn't betray her worry. "Hello, Mrs. Rizzoli, how are you?"

Angela smiles at Maura but doesn't answer. Her smile is tremulous, like it's masking tears.

"Do you need help, Ma?"

"No, Janie, thank you," Angela says, and Maura, seeing the way Angela looks at Jane, knows three things: she know's about their relationship. She loves Jane unconditionally. She is really, _really_ struggling.

Jane shrugs and heads into the living room, jumping over the back of the couch to sit next to Tommy. He glances at her and smiles, Jane beams back.

Maura starts to follow her, but Angela speaks again, "Maura?"

Maura turns, sure she looks petrified. Angela tries on a smile. It is a little more convincing. "Will you come sit with me?"

Maura glances at the living room. Jane is wrapped up in the video game, adding her shrieks to the general din. "okay.."

They sit in silence for long enough that Maura wonders if Angela is just trying to keep Maura away from Jane, but then-

"Jane is a good girl."

Maura nods dumbly, "I know."

Angela doesn't look up from the chicken that she is slicing. "she would never hang out with you for, you know, superficial reasons."

"I know," Maura says again, smiling faintly as she remember's Jane's bluntness.

"Do you? Because, I know that some girls," Angela pauses, and she looks up into Maura's face, "some girls like to rebel against their boundaries...or their mothers...by hanging out with people they know that they're families won't approve of." Maura stares at Angela, confused. Angela glances at her and away again. "And Jane is a good girl...she has...real emotions, and feelings. It would break her heart..."

"Oh," Maura says, realization blossoming out of confusion, "_Oh, _no. I would never use Jane like that," Maura says quickly, "I lo- I care about Jane so much. I would never use her, anyone, to make my mother angry."

Angela looks a little mollified as she nods, "Okay. It's just hard. to watch your daughter..." She trails off looking into the living room, where Jane is doing a victory lap around the couch.

"Mrs. Rizzoli?"

"yes?"

"Does Jane know that you know? About her feelings for me?"

Angela blushes and looks down at the counter, "No. I haven't found a way...I found an email that she had written to you about a week ago. And then Frank...I couldn't find a way to bring it up. I want to protect her," Angela finishes hopelessly.

Maura nods, leaning forward over the counter to make eye contact. "She wants to protect you too." Maura looks at Jane, and feels her heart swell a little, "you have to believe that I care for her so much. I would never do anything to hurt her. Including try to come between her and her family."

Angela looks at Maura, really looks at her, and she finally smiles a genuine smile.

"You're a good girl too, Maura."

Maura smiles widely.

"And you can call me Angela."


	13. Chapter 13

**This is pretty much pure fluff. but I thought Jane and Maura needed some happiness before the crap storm that's about to come. hope you enjoy!**

**-t.c.**

* * *

February does nothing to break the chill of winter, and as Maura gets off the T, she zips her coat all the way up to her chin.

"Finally!" Jane's voice makes Maura's head shoot up. Her girlfriend in front of her, her breath rising in little puffs of steam. Holding out a white rose.

"Jane!" Maura is both delighted and appalled, "You aren't wearing a coat!"

Jane shrugs, "I gave it to Frankie. His is way too small now." She looks at Maura and rolls her eyes, "I have two sweatshirts on, Maur."

"Why are you out here? Why aren't you at school?"

Jane's eyes sparkle as she holds out the rose, "Happy Valentine's Day, Maura!" She says, grinning.

Maura's face falls. "Oh! Oh God Jane," She says covering her face with her hands, "I forgot!"

Jane's smile doesn't waver, and she holds the rose higher until Maura takes it. "It's beautiful," she says miserably. She can't believe that she didn't register the date. Her brain has been full of nothing but Jane for months, how could she forget about Valentine's day.

"Hey," Jane says, pulling Maura close to her, "It's okay. You give me Valentine's day, like, every day, Maur, okay?"

Maura sniffs, "I can't believe I forgot."

"That's not all!" Jane says, quickly, barely able to contain herself. She reaches into her pocket, pulling out a small little box. Maura sighs, "honestly Jane, are you trying to make me feel horrible?"

"Just open it Maur," Jane says, smiling, "I don't care you didn't get me anything."

Maura pull the top off of the little box and can't help the gasp that comes out of her mouth. It's a silver necklace. The little pendant that hangs from it has a stone sparkling from it, and Maura realizes with a swoop of her stomach that it is a diamond. A real one. Above the sparkly little stone is one word. _Maura._

"Oh," Is all Maura can say.

"Turn it over!" Jane says, practically bouncing up and down.

She does. _Jane._

Maura feels tears beginning in her eyes. "No, no!" Jane says, putting her hand against Maura's face, catching the tears. "It's too fuck-" she catches herself, "way too cold to cry, Maur. And there's no reason for it."

"Jane, this is a real diamond. Like, _a real one._"

Jane looks prouder than Maura has seen her, and she loops her arm in Maura's as they start off towards school. "I told the guy in the store you'd be able to tell. He had to like chop up a much bigger one to get one tiny enough for me to afford but-"

"How _did_ you afford it though?" Maura blurts. Since Frank's departure, Maura has noticed a definite decline in the Rizzoli's financial situation, and she notices that on the weekends when Jane stays over, she eats more food, as though trying to store it for later.

Jane shrugs, "I sold my autographed rookie of Garciaparra,"

"I don't know what any of those words mean."

Jane laughs, "It's a baseball card. I sold it."

"Jane, you are…" Maura looks around, as though the correct word might fall out of the sky. "And I didn't…"

But Jane slips her arm through Maura's and pulls her towards school, "Shush," she says firmly, still smiling. "Like you don't do so much for me every single day. I know I'm not very good at, you know, showing you how much I care about you. And I know I get nervous sometimes, like, in public, but..." She looks at her hands, smiling when Maura takes one in hers. "I really like you, Maura."

Maura smiles, wiping a stray tear away. "It's gorgeous Jane. I love it so much."

Jane seems to relax as they fall into stride, "Good. I've never done a Valentine's Day before. Not really."

"Me either," Maura says, and smiles when she sees Jane's incredulous look.

"Come on, Maur, you've had a boyfriend. you told me that-"

"One does not need a boyfriend to engage in intercourse, Jane."

"UGH," Jane mimes vomiting. "Do _not call it that_. God!" She is silent for a moment as she processes this.

"It was Italy," Maura says, forestalling Jane's question. " Where I was before we moved here. All the kids were...much different than they are in America, and I was, curious."

"Okay," Jane says, "We should stop talking about this now."

"I'm sorry," Maura says quickly, "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable,"

"You didn't" Jane says simply, "But I kinda want to swim to Italy and kill the dude you were with. And I don't think it's warm enough for a dip that lengthy."

"Not to mention that it is physically impossible for a human to swim that distance without perishing from..." Maura catches sight of Jane's face, and blushes. "Oh. Oh, Jane. You're saying you're jealous?"

"You don't have to shout it, Maur," Jane hisses, but she blushes and Maura squeezes her hand.

Maura moves to drop her hand a block from school, already working on shifting her body language away from Jane. But the taller girl holds tightly to her hand, even as they walk up the steps to Saint Catherine's.

"You okay?" Jane asks Maura quietly as she pulls the doors open.

"Yes," Maura says. She has no problem with holding Jane's hand in public, "But-"

"Good," Jane cuts her off, bringing Maura's hand to her lips for a quick kiss, "Happy Valentine's Day, Maur. Part three."

Maura can barely keep herself from skipping all the way to her locker, Jane's hand clasped tightly in hers.

* * *

Maura watches Jane talking to a girl from her history class. It is five minutes before lunch, and she is crouched around the corner with three scrawny freshman boys.

"You're clear on what you're doing, right?"

"Yeah...you know, people are gonna be pissed that they can't get any more roses," one of the boys says. He has freckles and big glasses and a clip on bow tie.

Maura goes to answer him, but the freshman next to Maura, a skinny little black boy with light brown eyes answers first.

"Chill, dex, she paid for them all. And she's trying to do something nice for her lady, aren't you Maura."

"Yes," Maura tries to remember this boys name. "She did so much for me today, I want to show her that I care too."

"Right on," the second boy says, "You forgot Valentines, but you didn't forget her."

"Yes! Thank you, Barry." Maura looks back at Jane, momentarily getting lost in how pretty she is and how at ease she looks, leaning against her locker and talking to her classmate. The bell for lunch rings. 300 students burst from their classrooms into the hallway. "Okay!" Maura says, feeling her heart speed up, "go!"

The boys race around the corner, Barry in the lead 300 red roses in messenger bags over their shoulders. "Out of our way folks, 'scuse me ma'am, sir," they yell over the talking crowd, which slowly falls silent, watching the sight. "We gotta get to Jane Rizzoli" the last boy says to a random student in the crowd, "You haven't seen her, have you? Jane? Rizzoli?"

The three boys spread out, asking people if they've seen Jane, calling over the crowds head to each other,

"Have you found her?"

"Do you see her?"

"JANE?"

Finally they make it to Jane's locker, where the crowd backs away, leaving Jane standing like a statue, gaping at the three boys in front of her.

"Jane!" Barry steps up, pretending to be out of breath.

Jane gives him a bewildered smile, "What's up, Frost?" she says looking suspicious.

"My boys and I have a message from you, from someone who is _super into you." _

The crowd, which had gone deadly silent so they could hear, now whistles and cat calls.

Jane's face goes slightly pink, and Maura sees her scanning the crowd, looking. She ducks down, out of sight, and therefore only hears the boys break into a rendition of "I'll be there" by the Jackson Five.

The crowd cheers and claps and stomps their feet, And when Maura chances a look back at the scene, she sees frost has gotten down on one knee and is handing her the note that Maura wrote in AP Biology.

_J-_

_no matter what. _

_I promise it. _

_Happy Valentine's day. _

_-m_

Jane stares at the note for longer than it takes to read it, and Maura realizes, with nervous jolt, that she is working not to cry in front of a hallway full of people. _Oh, God, No, _Maura thinks, working her way towards Jane. But before she can get there, Barry Frost steps up takes Jane's hand, and twirls her on the spot, sliding her into a dip, and makes her laugh out loud. Maura feels herself relax as the song comes to an end, and the crowd cheers and whistles and begins, gradually, to head towards the cafeteria. Maura thanks God for Barry Frost, and when she reaches him, they are still talking.

_"_Thank you, Frost," Jane says honestly, smiling at Maura as she makes her way towards them.

"I saw you getting misty, mama," he says, winking at Maura as he turns away, "Don't worry, I always got your back." And with that he heads off.

Jane looks down at the three bags of roses at her feet, and then up at Maura, who has her eyebrows raised expectantly.

"Hey, Rizzoli!" a kid calls as he passes, "You wicked lucky to have someone dig you that much, gurl!" Jane laughs, picking up a rose and threading it through Maura's hair.

"Yes. I am."


	14. Chapter 14

**Thank you for the follows, thank you for the reviews...thank you for the everything. you are all wonderful and I hope you keep reading and enjoying (and commenting on what you do/do not enjoy). I can't tell you how happy it makes me to log on and see all these readers. :)**

**and now...some more Constance Isles. **

**happy reading**

**-t.c.**

* * *

Constance Isles puts her coffee cup down and looks up at the sound of her daughter's voice.

"Just wear it, please. It's still so cold outside."

Silence, and Constance realizes that her daughter must be on the phone.

"June is still three months away, Jane," Maura says affectionately, "It was nothing, okay? Please just wear it."

Maura rounds the corner into the dining room and at the sight of her mother, her face goes pale. Her eyes register shock followed quickly by fear and the resignation.

"I have to call you back, okay?" she says into the phone, putting it into her pocket after a moment. "Hello mother," Maura says carefully, "I wasn't aware that you would be home so early.

"Clearly," Constance says. Maura looks at her, and Constance smiles without warmth. Maura tightens her jaw. "Your friend from school?" Constance gestures towards Maura's phone.

Maura gets a little bit paler, but doesn't look away, "Yes," she says firmly.

Constance tightens her grip on her coffee cup, but her face remains calm and measured. "I thought I'd made myself clear about this, particular friend," she says, and her voice conveys how tired she is of the topic.

Maura has a harder time controlling the anger in her face. "You did," she manages to say through gritted teeth, "but you're wrong."

Constance raises her eyebrows, "She got you attacked."

"She saved my life."

"You get detentions around her."

"I broke the rules first," Maura counters.

"She makes you do the things you do to get detentions, then. Honestly, Maura, what could you possibly see in her. You don't need her brains, God knows.

Maura flushes with anger, and for a moment, Constance is taken aback, watching her usually calm and collected daughter struggle to keep her emotions in check.

"Shes..." Maura starts, "...You don't even..." anger is rendering her speechless.

"Honey," The older woman leans forward, "She's trash. She's not going anywhere. she's going to grow up to be nothing. Don't let her drag _you _down to be nothing as well. You could be fantastic."

Maura watches her mother speaking, trying to stay calm. and failing, "JANE is _fantastic_," she says, hearing her voice tremble. "She's funny and caring, and smart..."

"Maura," Constance is losing her patience. "We've been through this, and I don't care to go over it again."

"Then don't," Maura says, turning on her heel and heading back out towards the door.

"Where are you going?"

"I can't be here," Maura says, cursing how weak her voice sounds.

"Maura," Constance says, and her voice sounds like it could be gentle and understanding if she'd just let it be. "I know you. You may think I don't. You may wish I didn't, but I do. You are ambitious. And that's good because you are brilliant. You don't want to be in Boston forever any more than I do, and when when we move away, you will be brilliant there. You can talk about good hearts and intentions until you are blue in the face, but you, Maura Isles, are on a different level. I know it. And deep down, you know it too."

Maura has stopped at the door, with her hand on the knob.

"You don't love her Maura," Constance says softly. "I know you think you do, but you don't. You like the feeling you get when she smiles at you. It's the same feeling you get when a dog wags it's tail at you."

Maura flinches, pulling the door open. "I feel...so sorry for you, Mother," she says quietly, and she pulls the door shut softly behind her.

* * *

Jane meets her at the T and pulls her into a hug immediately. Maura curses herself for the tears that begin as the brunette pulls her into her arms.

"Hey," she says, her mouth at Maura's temple. "hey, hey, it's okay. It's alright."

Maura shuts her eyes, pulling Jane closer to her, unzipping the Jacket she bought her last weekend so that she can slip her arms around Jane's tiny waist.

"It's okay," Jane says, and even though they are in public. Even though they are standing on a corner in her neighborhood, where her neighbors walk by, Jane doesn't let go. Maura realizes this and it make her cry harder. She buries her face in Jane's shoulder, shaking her with sobs.

Jane lets her cry, glaring at an elderly couple as they break their stride to stare at Jane as she slips her hand into Maura's hair.

Maura pulls back and looks up into concerned brown eyes. _You don't love her, Maura._ Her mother's voice had been matter of fact, as though they were discussing what color she should paint her room, or how many pairs of socks she needed.

"Do you want to stay in Boston forever?" The question is out of her mouth before she can stop it. Jane frowns, but answers. "Sometimes," she says simply, and Maura looks away, trying to block out her mother's voice. But it is hard, and even as she hates her mother for saying all those vile things about Jane, the compliments hidden in there make Maura feel...happy. _You are brilliant. _

"She's in your head," Jane says, pulling back to look at her, realizing it is safe to let go.

Maura doesn't answer, but she pulls back too and zips up Jane's coat, opting to take her hand as they head towards her house. Her feet feel heavy with exhaustion, and all she wants to do is slip beneath the covers and wrap herself up in Jane's arms. But the questions fall from her lips like water. She can't control herself.

"So you don't want to travel?" Maura asks.

But Jane doesn't seem to mind answering her seemingly random questions. "I don't see the need to travel just for travel's sake. If I was going somewhere, for _something_...or someone." Jane's cheeks get pink.

"What about for college. Would you go out of state for college?"

Jane glances at Maura now, but if she finds the line of questioning weird, she doesn't say. "I don't know, Maur," she sighs. "College is..."

Maura feels a little dizzy, "College is what?"

"I might not be smart enough to..."

"Don't say that, Jane!" Maura nearly shouts it, squeezing Jane's hand so hard that the brunette winces. "Of course you are."

Jane doesn't answer, just shrugs.

Maura sighs deeply, trying not to give into the panic and the anger and the self loathing that are rising in her throat. "Forget it," she says bitterly.

And although Jane raises her eyebrows, she doesn't push. She stops walking, pulling Maura to her. She tilts Maura's face back so that they are looking each other in the eyes.

"I don't know what she said to you," Jane says quietly, "but you're not like her."

Maura tries to look away, but Jane puts a hand gently on her chin, keeping her from moving her face. "You could be," she continues. "but you're not." she leans in and presses her lips to Maura's and Maura can't help but lean into it.

"You're not," Jane whispers as they start walking again.

"Jane," Maura says quietly, "I...she says that I'm not...and I know we're not that old...but there are lot's of studies that say...I mean, what I mean is."

Jane shakes her head and lets out a puff of laughter. "Shut up, Maura," she says softly. firmly.

"I love you too."


	15. Chapter 15

**I'm so sorry, guys. but it's the last break up I'm gonna write. and EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY. we're gonna have a bit of a time jump after this, and then I have 15 more chapters outlined and waiting for y'all, if you'll have them. **

**hang in there. you can write out your fury with me in the reviews. or you can tell me if you think one or the other was right...or the whole thing made you want to punch through your computer...that's fine too. **

**Charlie the CAG i apologize to you in particular. but this is some of the last real angst. so hang in there. **

**happy reading...sort of. **

**tc**

* * *

"So _this_ is why you've been distant all day?" Jane waves the pamphlet in front of Maura's face, and Maura feels her breath catch.

"Where did you get that?"

"It fell out of your bag when you grabbed your stuff for the bathroom. What the hell Maura? Are you moving to Switzerland?"  
"No!" Maura looks at the floor and then back up at Jane, "No, it's a school. A boarding school. I-I hadn't meant to tell you like this."

"So you're going? You already know that you're going? And you were gonna tell me when, Maur? Was I gonna get a text from the plane?"

"Jane," Maura reaches out her hands, "I understand you're upset, but…this isn't as bad as you think it is. I'll be home every summer. Home as in here, in Boston, with you."

Jane takes a couple steps backwards, and Maura sees fear underneath the anger in Jane's face. It pulls at her heart. "Honey,"  
"No," Jane says, still backing up. "No."

"This doesn't change anything."

Jane looks disbelievingly at her girlfriend. "This changes everything."

* * *

_"Hold it up, yeah, like that," Jane lifts the bat a little bit in Maura's arms before stepping back. _

_"Like this?" _

_"Yeah. Ready frost?" _

_Barry nods, and with one fluid motion, arcs the softball towards home plate._

_"Swing, Maur!" Jane shouts, and Maura does as she's told, feeling the metal bat vibrating through her whole body as it connects with the ball. _

_She opens her eyes to watch the yellow softball soar up over Frost's head, landing with a soft plop near second base. _

_Maura only has a second to feel disappointed that it didn't go farther, before Jane almost knocks her over with her hug. _

_"You hit it Maur!" she cries, kissing the smaller girl on the temple. _

_"It didn't go very far." _

_"Who cares? You missed all morning! You hit it!" _

_Maura smiles and hugs Jane back, her enthusiasm is infectious. On the mound, Frost is doing a little dance of his own creation. _

_Since his save at Valentine's Day, Jane has warmed to him, inviting him to sit with them at lunch, hanging out with him in the park. And Maura has also come to enjoy his presence, even if she feels a tingle of jealousy that Frost seems to be gaining on her in terms of Jane's affection. But now, Jane takes Maura's face in hers and kisses her on the lips. And Maura responds fully. Wrapping her arms around her girlfriend's waist. _

_"Uh, hey, lovelies?" Frost calls, "Not that I am not enjoying the view, but I think we'd better head for home." They turn to see where he is pointing. Storm clouds._

* * *

Maura shakes her head, trying to stay calm, "I thought you would be a little happy for me, Jane. I thought you would recognize how prestigious this place is," She falters when she sees Jane's disbelief deepen, "I thought you would be proud."

Jane clenches her fists, and Maura watches her fight between shutting down and falling apart. Maura crosses the room quickly, taking one of Jane's fists in her hands, trying to uncurl it. "Jane, please. I'm doing this for us, okay? My mother thinks that I'm not challenged enough where I am. She was threatening to-"

"She's taking you away from me, Maur," Jane's voice is strangled. "Don't you see? She pulled strings to get you in there so that you would be away from me."

Maura drops Jane's hand. "I see. So you think I couldn't get in on my own merit?"

"That's not what I meant at all, Maura," Jane sweeps a hand through her hair, "I'm just- I just-"

"You're being selfish," Maura says, losing patience. This whole conversation is spinning out of control. Her mother's voice seems loud in her ears, _you are brilliant._ "I'm trying to do this for both of us. A way that we can both be happy."

* * *

_"Mother, I thought you were in Laos." Maura has just come into the sitting room of her house, hair plastered to her face from the rain that had ended her softball lesson. _

_"And I thought you were at College Bowl at the college. But then I get a call from Benjamin Hardwick's father telling me you dropped College Bowl back in March, and little Debbie is sick, would you consider returning. _

_Maura feels her insides churning. "it wasn't challenging at all. I'm not missing anything." She says, quietly enough so that she hopes her mother doesn't hear her. _

_She does, "Enough," Constance's voice is icy. "This ends now Maura, this slumming, or whatever it is you're doing. Do you even know what you are?" _

_"I'm not leaving her." _

_Constance surveys her daughter carefully. "Sit down."_

* * *

Jane's face falls, "I thought you were happy with me, Maura."

"I am Jane. I'm happier than I've ever been, when I'm with you, That's why I did this. What else could I have done?"

"_You could have talked to me," _There is no anger in Jane's voice now. She is trying so hard not to cry that Maura thinks she might break apart. "You could have trusted me to support you instead of hiding it. You could have…you could have told her you didn't care what school you went to," Jane looks at Maura, two tears slipping down her face.

Maura opens her mouth to say she _doesn't_ care and realizes, like a kick to the ribs, that she does. "

Saint Catherine's isn't challenging me, Jane. My mother's right. I need to go somewhere they can push me. Somewhere I can be around people who are like me intellectually. Somewhere they don't give A's just for simply showing up." As soon as the words leave her mouth, Maura knows they are the wrong ones. Jane's face crumbles, and she knows that Jane is thinking about her own report card, all A's for the first time in her life, framed and sitting on her mother's dresser.

"Oh, Jane, Oh my God, I did not mean…" she steps towards Jane, reaching out, pulling her into her arms, trying to make the words disappear. "No no no, I didn't mean it. I didn't mean that." She rubs her hands up and down Jane's rigid back, trying to elicit a response, and although Jane doesn't pull away, she doesn't respond. "_Jane," _She whispers into the girl's neck, "please," she pulls back looking up into the pale face, but when she looks into Jane's eyes, she is met with stone. There's nothing there.

"No," Maura says forcefully, taking Jane's hand. "Jane, that was an awful thing to say, and you have to believe that I didn't mean it that way. I didn't mean that you-"

But Jane tugs her hand away, slipping around Maura as though afraid she might strike out at her. "Please don't go. Please. I'm doing this to stay with you. I'm doing this because I love you."

When Jane Rizzoli turns to face her, it's not the girl she's known for the past five months as her girlfriend. It's not the same girl who whispers secrets and desires to her under the covers in the middle of the night. It's not even the girl who carried her eight blocks after an attack. It's a stranger, with steely brown eyes.

* * *

_"Switzerland, for the entire school year, Mother I can't do that to Jane."_

_"Then do it for yourself. I'm not telling you to stop seeing that girl." _

_"You are. Indirectly." _

_"Maura, when you are 18, you can throw your life away however you choose. Until then, it is mine. Now, I'm offering you a chance to both succeed and continue with your charity work in the ghetto._

_Take it, or leave it."_

* * *

Jane opens her mouth to speak, and for a second her eyes flicker back to life, so hurt and so devastated that Maura puts her hand to her chest, sure that her heart has stopped. But then the taller girl shakes her head, turns towards the door, and lets herself out.

* * *

_"How can you not see how much I love her? Mother, I love her so, so much." _

_"Prove it." _


	16. Chapter 16

**Author's note is at the bottom for length. **

**you are all wonderful. **

**Happy reading**

**tc. **

* * *

**Part II: 15 years later**

Maura pulls up to the curb and for a minute she just sits in her car. Breathing. It's her fist crime scene as the chief medical examiner of the common wealth of massachusetts and Maura Isles, unflappable, confident, collected Maura Isles, is terrified.

She'd set up her office that morning. Putting everything in it's right spot, making sure that her nameplate was spelled correctly. Like an island in the sea, not an aisle in a theatre. No one ever got that right in Europe.

she had sat behind her desk and tried to calm the nerves that had been with her since she'd landed a week ago.

She'd so far avoided visiting her mother in the building they owned in beacon hill. And she'd been successful in avoiding Jane's neighborhood as well. Well, Jane's old neighborhood. Maura doubts she still lives at home.

"I can do this," she says, gripping the steering wheel tightly. "I can do this."

She hasn't been back to Boston in nearly fourteen years.

She slips on her pumps and gets out of the car, grabbing her medical bag. She looks around at the police tape and the dozen or so cops milling around the front yard, chatting as though they are at a luncheon, and not a murder.

She walks up to the uniform who's standing at the end of the driveway, making sure no unapproved persons enter the scene, and flashes her badge. God, she loves doing that.

"Maura Isles, The newly appointed Chief Medical Examiner," she says, "I was called in on this case."

The uniform guarding the drive goes to let her in, but out of the corner of her eye, she sees someone whirl around as she says her name. Whirl, not turn.

She turns to look at this boy...man, he's a man...but his face is so familiar...

"Frankie?"

Frankie Rizzoli walks up to her in his uniform, is _policeman's _uniform. He is looking at her like he doesn't really believe that she is there.

"You're a-a cop?" she stammers.

"Officer Francis Rizzoli Jr," he says, "Maura Isles." His look of shock does not disappear as she pulls him into a hug. the first contact she's had in months.

"Frankie, Oh, my God, Frankie," Maura can't stop staring at him. "You're so tall!"

He doesn't answer, he's just staring at her. And his shock is turning quickly into...she studies his face. Fear, she thinks, it's fear.

He's afraid.

"What is it Frankie?"

"Shit," he swears "_shit, _Maura, you have got to get out of here...you have _got_ to get out of here."

"Frankie," Maura can't keep a tone of derision out of her voice. "I'm the medical examiner on this case-"

"Assign someone else! _You're _the new Chief Medical Examiner? Holy _shit_." He turns around, pointing at a young uniform standing close by.

"You. Go get Frost. Right now. GO!" The little uniform scuttles off to do Frankie's bidding.

"Frost," Maura looks all around her. "_Barry _Frost? He's an officer too?" Maura feels her stomach flip.

"Detective," Frankie says, not looking at her. Staring at the door. "Maura-damnit...come over here" he takes her arm and pulls her to the side of the house, out of view of everybody. He stares at her. "What are you _doing_ here?"

Maura stares back, "I think we've established that. I'm the chief"

"Maura, wh-how-how could you do this? How could you..." He is almost too flustered to get a proper sentence out. He's not angry, Maura watches his hands gesture, an the way his eyebrows crease...he's...bewildered.

She tries to figure out why. "Frankie, I don't know what you're talking about. I-"

But Frost appears around the corner of the house then, looking confused...and then looking as pale as death.

_"Barry!" _Maura says, staggering forward to hug him. It's like a reunion. It's like a tiny class reunion, and she can't help but feel a little delighted and a little sick to her stomach. Why don't they look happy to see her? The hug Barry returns is perfunctory.

"Maura Isles," He says, and his voice isn't cold, but it's definitely not warm.

"Barry-"

"Frost," he cuts her off, "keep that Barry thing to yourself, okay?"

He looks at Frankie, "What do we do?"

Frankie shakes his head, "I don't know. she says she can't reassign someone to the case. She's the _Chief_, Frost."

Frost scratches his head, looking at Maura, "What are you doing, Maur?" he asks, genuinely flabbergasted.

"What are you talking about?" And then it hits her. _Jane._

Jane must be an officer, she must be here...she must be...here.

"Frankie, she's here?" Maura barely keeps the tremor out of her voice.

"Of course she's here, Maura, she's a detective too, she's Frosts partner, She just got back from her medical leave."

"Her _what? _her- she- What?"

Frankie and Frost stare at each other.

"Frankie, I didn't know. I didn't- how was I supposed to have known that you, that Jane was..." Maura feels like the ground underneath her is going to open up and swallow her whole.

"Fuck," Frost says, and Maura whips around to look at him. "God-fucking-damnit, you have got to go, Maura, you've got to get out of here. The case we've got...this case? Frankie did you look inside?"

"No."

"It's Hoyt."

"Fuck," Frankie echoes and Frost nods. "Maura, you've got to get out of here."

"I _can't," _Maura nearly sobs this last part out. What she wants to say is that even if there were another medical examiner she could put on the case, even if there were someone else, she wouldn't do it. Jane. is. here. "There's no one else I could put on this case," She says.

"Can you take Jane, Frankie?" Frost asks.

"You know I can't take Jane, Frost. You think she's gonna just sit this case out once she realizes it is Hoyt?"

"who is Hoyt?"

Both men look at her like she has an extra head.

"Are you kidding me?" Frankie asks incredulously.

"Am I kidding you about what?"

Frost looks at Frankie, "She doesn't know," he says quietly.

"How could she not know?" Frankie shouts. "I've watched my sister put those letters in the mailbox every week. I watched her," he turns to Maura, "How can you NOT KNOW?"

"KNOW WHAT?" Maura is about to lose what little composure she has left. This isn't how she'd planned it. This isn't what she wanted. She wanted to come back to Boston, do her job, and find Jane on her own time. Figure out how to move forward when the time was right.

"Frost, where the hell are you? I need you inside, Korsak thinks he's still my partner in there..."

That voice.

Maura closes her eyes and leans against the house.

_That voice._

"I gotta go," Frost says, "you," he points at Frankie, "Gotta get here outta here."

Letters. Frankie said something about letters.  
"What letters?" she asks.

Frankie looks at her, "why did you come back here Maura?"

"They offered me the job...It's been. 14 years."

"fifteen," Frankie corrects.

"I didn't think...It never even occurred to me that..."

"You really don't have her letters?"

"_What letters?" _

"My sisters been writing you letters for fifteen years, Maura." Frankie says quietly.

Maura can't breath. "What?"

"One every god damned week."

* * *

They are looking down at the body when Maura walks up to them, and for a moment, Maura thinks her legs are going to give out. Jane is standing in front of her, five feet away. Two now. She's been walking and she didn't even notice. She's so tall. She stands at an angle hands on her hips looking down. Her hair is so long. And so gorgeous.

Maura stops the tears before they even make her eyes burn. No crying. Now is not the time. She's gonna turn around, and the look on her face is not going to happy, she tells herslef

"husband posed with a teacup," Jane is saying. "Wife...gone. It's Hoyt."

"Hoyt's locked up Jane," Frost says.

"You know as fucking well as I do, that this is Hoyt, Frost. He knows I'm back. He knows I'm back and he knows I'd get this case...Where is the medical examiner?"

Jane turns around.

Maura is not prepared for the look on Jane face. For a minute she thinks Jane is going to faint, and then the woman, and she's definitely a woman now, regains control of her facial features. "Frost," she says, and Frost turns around, and looks at Maura. Aware that Jane is watching him, he lets his face register shock, before flipping back to impassive. But Jane seems less interested in his reaction than in this confirmation that _he can see her too. _

_Jane looks back at Maura_

"Maura," Frost says, and he holds out his hand, "What are you..."

"Chiff medh-a examin..." she clears her throat. "I'm the new Chief Medical Examiner," she tries again.

Jane's face darkens immediately.

_oh my God, she's going to think that I've done this to her. on purpose. _Maura closes her eyes longer than a blink and opens them again, and Jane is still staring at her.

"I didn't know...I-uh, that you two were..."  
"Detectives," Frost says, with a glance at Jane, "I just got my badge about a month ago. Jane's has hers for...how long, Jay?"

Jane doesn't answer. She's doing something behind that mask, trying to understand. She turns on her heel and walks away. Maura resists the urge to follow her.

"She's beautiful," Maura says quietly

Frost chuckles, "yeah...watch her take down a 250lb man, and you might revise beautiful to terrifying.

"Frost-"

"Maura, you do your thing with the body, okay? I'll talk to her."

Maura kneels down by the cadaver, but her but her eyes stay on the pair as they move away.

Frost reaches out to Jane, and she slaps his hand away. She tries again and is successful in putting his hand on her shoulder. She sags a little under his touch.

_Oh Jane. _

Jane's rubbing her hands. their not balling into fists, but she's rubbing them and rubbing them as if she could wear her skin away.

Frost reaches out and tugs her hands apart and she jerks back like she's been burnt. Frost puts his hands up apologetically.

He's talking to her. shes listening even though she looks furious. even though she is pacing back and forth in front of hom, she's listening to him. controlling herself.

Maura wishes she wasn't so good at acting so calm, wishes that she could run across the lawn and pull the brunette into her arms and tell her she loves her. _I love you, I've never stopped loving you, will always love you, you have always had me. _

With a flash, Maura thinks about that rigid body. That tiny sixteen year old body, girl that she held in her arms as her heart broke.

COnstance.

The answer comes to Maura as easily as if it had been there all along and she just had to tug at it a little. Constance Isles has her letters.

Maura does the math 52. multiply it by 15, her mother has robbed her of over 700 letters. _My letters. _Fury pounds through Maura's veins, obscuring her vision momentarily. _My letters, my mother took them from me, she did not let me have them. My mother. _

_Jane. _

She looks down at the dead man in front of her. His arms and legs are bound with duct tape. there is a saucer on his knee, and a tea cup on the floor.

_It's hoyt,_ Frost had said._ Who is Hoyt._

_Jane is back from medical leave. _

Her Jane, hurt. On medical leave. A detective. In the line of danger every day. it's too much, it's too much to handle all at once. It's too much. Maura is having trouble processing all of this. She shuts her eyes.

_My Jane. My mother _**_took_**_ my girlfriend from me. she took my letters. she robbed me. And where am I now? Successful, Powerful, and alone. My _**_mother_**_ took my life from me. _

Maura stands up, cold fury focusing her, fueling her.

_And I. Will get it back. _

* * *

**First of all thank you so much for your comments and your reactions to chapter 15. Most of you understood why I did it. 16 year olds rarely find, and stay with, the love of their lives forever. they needed more time to grow up. the next 15 cover Maura and Jane in their present roles, with some AU of the cases worked in, as they reacquaint themselves with each other. Everything from here on out will be M for mature. Language, sex, all that good stuff. You'll still get flashbacks to them as teens, sometimes together, sometimes apart, so...I hope that's good. **

**Special shout out to Fallen austin, socks lost, and the guest who says Maura kinda fucked up (she did y'all. they both did. they were kids.) **

**I hope you'll keep commenting and definitely that you'll keep reading. **

**writing this has become one of my favorite things to do. (that's not sad, right? :)) **


	17. Chapter 17

**Author's not below for length. Happy reading!**

**t.c.**

* * *

_Dear Maura, _

_I'm so sorry. You're gone and...I know that you're probably a million miles away already, but I remember that when you were in Spain, I wrote you a card, and I sent it to your apartment. And it got forwarded to you. You said all your mail finds you, wherever you are. You said it was one of the perks of you being rich, or, whatever. So I'm gonna write this and send it to you. And I'm gonna pray that it finds you. _

_It's the first prayer I've done to God since...since I don't know when. _

_Maura I'm sorry. I'm sorry I yelled at you, that I walked out on you. I'm sorry that...I'm sorry that I wasn't proud of you. You're amazing, you're smart, and you're gonna do so wonderful at that school. I googled all about it last night...and It looks great, and you're gonna be great. _

_And if you could come back this summer, I swear, I will spend the entire six weeks telling you how wonderful you are and how smart. And I won't complain when you go back in the fall, I won't! _

_I know you did what you did for me, and I know it must have been really hard. So if you could just...write me, or email me. Your e-mail bounces back to me, but mine is still the same, so...If you could, then I would know that everything will be okay. You'll be home, I'll apologize. _

_I love you, Maura. _

_I'm so sorry. I love you. _

_Come home. _

* * *

"Mother," Maura stands in the foyer of her belmont home, her voice ringing through the seemingly empty halls. She takes a few steps into the hall and her heels click on the hardwood floor like a warning. "Mother, I know you are here." She waits, and presently Constance Isles appears around the corner from the kitchen, a glass of wine in her hand. Maura feels new fury erupt inside of her at the calm blue eyes surveying her. _How can she be so calm? How can she look at me and know that she lied for fifteen years, how can she not feel anything. _

"Maura," her mother's voice is soft an even. If she suspects the cause for her daughter's rage, it is not evident in her face. "I admit I was expecting you earlier. You landed a week ago, didn't you? It's proper manners to stop by at your earliest convenience," She says, and Maura feels her face getting hot.

"Where are they?" She has to space each word out to keep the anger from shaking her voice.

Constance's face does not change, "Where are what, Maura?"  
"My letters," Maura can barely get the words out without choking on them. Her heart beat is loud in her ears like, _jane jane jane jane. _They are here, she knows they are. her mother never throws anything away. "I want my letters, and I want them now, I know you kept them, I know you have them, and I want every. single. one."

Constance considers her daughter, "You've seen Jane." Its not a question.

"Did you read them? Did you bother to open them? If you had, you would know that my new job, the new job you were so keen that I take, will put me in directly in contact with Jane Rizzoli on a daily basis. I will see her _every day." _This realization seems to crash over Maura as she says it, and she has to step forward so that she can lean on a bookcase for support.

Constance looks startled, and Maura feels a modicum of calm. Her mother has not opened them.

Maura doesn't wait for an answer, she just barely keeps herself from stamping her foot "_Where _Are they_?"_

* * *

_Dear Maura, _

_It's been a week. So maybe you didn't get my first one. Or maybe you did, and...you don't care. I can't really seem to stop, anyway. I tried to be patient, but yesterday I found myself writing this in my head, and what's the use of trying to keep it there? If you get more than one, maybe you will know how serious I am. You will see how much I miss you. _

_It snowed in Switzerland today. I googled it. _

_And right now it's night time there, even though it's morning here. _

_Schools okay. Junior year is hard like you said it would be. But I got my first paper back, and I got a B+. I know you didn't mean what you said, Maur, I just...I never thought I'd have someone like you, and...to hear you say that you thought, maybe, I wasn't good enough. It made me want to, curl up in a ball and..._

_It doesn't matter, okay? I know you didn't mean it and um...I want to show you that I can be good for you, just like you were always good for me. _

_But, a B+ that's pretty good right?_

_Frankie's doing good too. He thinks he's such hot shit, an 8th grader now. Hot stuff. sorry. It's hard to remember when you're not reminding me all the time._

_We miss you lots, Maur. If you could come home this summer..._

_we'd really love it. _

* * *

"She's a detective. She's one of the lead homicide detectives in the greater Boston."

Constance Isles just manages to make her face go blank, but not before Maura sees what's written there. She has them. she hasn't read them, but she has them. Oh God, she has them. A nd Maura will have them. She will.

"Do you know what it's like, to walk onto a crime scene on your first day of work, and see the woman that you love look at you like you're a ghost. Look at you like you've betrayed her so awfully-"

"Maura," Constance makes a dismissive noise in the back of her throat. But Maura is not sixteen or seventeen anymore. She cannot be persuaded to join summer leagues and debate teams. She cannot be told that Jane has forgotten her, that she should move on. She cannot be kept from her home one second longer.

"NO," Her voice is firm and forceful. Furious. "Where. Are. They?"

Constance looks at the floor and then back up at her daughter.

"They're in the attic. I had Rochelle put them in the attic."

* * *

_Dear Maura, _

_I'm gonna apply to BCU. wipe that look off your face. I'm gonna do it, and I'm gonna get in. I've gotten all A's so far, and I'm field hockey captain. SIster Winifred? She doesn't even know what to do with me anymore, I'm so good (even if I do still sometimes call her winnie the poop.) Frankie's doing really well too. All B's. He brought his last science test home, and I thought he was gonna pop the buttons on his shirt he was puffing his chest out so much. _

_Tommy is... Tommy. He got picked up for shoplifting last weekend, and he called Pop instead of Ma to come get him. So Pop had to bring him home and yell at Ma for not looking after him. _

_Dad still comes around every weekend to pick Tommy up. Frankie won't go with him anymore since he said that he doesn't want anything to do with me. Gotta love that kid. And I know it hurts Ma every time he comes around. But Frankie and I usually can cheer her up. But I worry about Tommy. I worry about that anger he's got. But I don't know how to talk to him about it. _

_I was thinking about it yesterday, and...I think...I think your mom cares about you too, Maur. I was reading about your school the other day. Sometimes I go on there and read the blog. You guys have the highest standardized test scores of any school in the world. Princes and shahs and all sorts of famous people graduated from there. That's fucki- really amazing. I'm so proud of you. and I know you're mom is proud of you too, because I'm sure that you're doing great there. _

_I love you. _

* * *

Maura sits on the floor in the back room on the top floor of the building, surrounded by open boxes, tears streaming down her cheeks. She's not even through Jane's junior year and she feels like she might die. She'd opened shoebox after shoebox, each one neatly labeled in her housekeeper's hand writing. _Jane-September-March '01. Jane-August-September '01. _And on and on, boxes upon boxes. Just looking at them makes Maura's heart race and her hands get clammy. _Jane, how could I have not seen. How could I have stayed away so long, why didn't I come back, why didn't I keep my promise. _She picks up the next letter, but it begins, **_I hate you for doing this, I hate me for letting this happen,_**and Maura finds that she can't go on.

Constance appears at the door. "You'll wrinkle that dress sitting like that."

"How could you?"

Constance doesn't answer right away.

"Honestly, Maura, I thought that she would stop." Constance sounds very tired.

"And then, after a while, I found..._I_ _couldn't_"

"Get out," Maura says. She doesn't want her mother to see the letters, feels an irrational need to keep them to herself. All to herself. "Get out of this room."

"Maura. You're my daughter. I was doing what I thought-"

"You were doing what you had to do to make me what you wanted," Maura says, standing, advancing on her mother. "You gave no thought to me, and you sure as hell gave no thought to Jane. Get _out." _

_"_Maura,"

"GO," Maura turns, looking at the boxes stacked in front of her, and she feels the anger leaving her. Feels her heart ache. "I will never forgive you for this." she whispers, "never."

And although she doesn't see Constance leave, she hears the soft swoosh of the elevator door, as it carries her mother away.

* * *

**Over 100 followers, some of the nicest reviews I've ever read. You guys are great. I hope that you'll continue to tell me what you think and add suggestions, comments, etc. This story is pretty Maura centric, although there will be several (including the next one) chapters that center around Jane's point of view. I just feel like in the show, we see a lot of development given to Jane and not a ton given to Maura, she's just the quirky pseudo-genius, there for Jane to riff off of. I wanted to put more depth behind how they both became the people they are. SO...I hope you'll keep reading. **

**thanks to the (new?) guest, Bandsdance, Ts, fallen Austen. Balticbard, that's so nice... all of you are starting to feel like real people that I know. :) Charlie the CAG, I'm sorry(not sorry) for getting you in the heart, hope it keeps happening because I think writing should do that. Y'all feel free to chat at me on skype (colormetheworld), hit me up on tumblr (colorsinchords), I'm always around. **

**New update pretty much daily, so keep coming back :) **


	18. Chapter 18

"Jane I swear to God if you don't open the door, I am going to kick it in, say I smelled gas, and you are going to have to pay for a new door by your own damn-"

"Alright, Alright Frankie, Jesus." Jane says, sliding the dead bolt back, and then turning the lock, the second lock and the lock on the door knob. She pulls the door open to her brother, taller and bigger than she is now. He steps through the door without waiting for her to speak again.

"Jane, why the fuck did you leave without a detail?" He asks, "If that really is Hoyt-"

"Of course it's Hoyt, Frankie, you think I wouldn't know Hoyt's work when I saw it?"

"If Hoyt has really trained an apprentice...then he's looking for you."

Jane runs her fingers through her hair, "Frankie...Maura was at the crimes scene."

Frankie nods, "I know."

"She said that she was the-"

"She is, Jay. I double checked with Cavenaugh on the way over."

Jane sits down on the couch, because it has become hard to stand. "What is she doing here? Why is she back here?"

Frankie sits down next to her. "I truly think she didn't know, Jane. Did you see her face? When she say you?

Jane doesn't know what to think. It all feels like a dream. She'd looked at Frost to make sure he'd seen her too, and he had. He'd reached out and _shaken her hand_. He'd done the followup after the preliminary

"it's been an entire lifetime," she breathes, and she doesn't know whether she means since they got the case this morning or since Maura has been gone. They feel the same length to her.

"You don't think she got htem?'

"No," Frankie says. "I think something must have happened that kept her away. If she'd gotten them, you know she would have done anything to be back with you."

Jane clenches her fists, it hurts. She unclenches them. it hurts. she rubs at her palms. they feel a little better.

"I can't do this."

"Of course you can"

"Not this case," Jane says, and her voice is a whisper. "Not if she doesn't know."

"You want Cavenaugh to take you off this?"

"Yes...no..." Jane stretches her hands out. "No. No one knows Hoyt like me."

"Then you have to do it. With Maura."

"Chief M.E. it's nothing less than I would have expected from her. She couldn't have done that if she'd stayed here."

"Jane, you've done great things too."

Jane sighs, pulling her knees up to her chest, "Not great things."

"_Hell _yeah, great things."

Jane rubs at her palms. it hurts. She closes them into fists. it hurts. She stretches her fingers out as long as they can go. It feels a little better.

Suddenly she remembers Maura's hands closing over hers. uncurling them, rubbing apart her angry fists. Her coping mechanism for when the world tried to hurt her.

Well the world _had_ hurt her. The world had hurt her, and Maura hadn't been there to uncurl her fists and tell her that it was alright.

_Promise it._ Jane shuts her eyes.

She wants to see Maura. That much she knows. She want's to see Maura and be 15 again and thinking that they would be together forever.

_Promise it. _God. Jane shakes her head. They were so stupid.

"Janie," Frankie says, though he knows that Jane is miles away from him. He risks touching her hand and her eyes snap open, but she doesn't pull away from him. _"_She still loves you," he says quietly. "It was all over her face, it doesn't take a detective to see it."

Jane tries to think back. She hadn't been able to read Maura's face, she hadn't been able to do anything but stare blankly at her, and wait for her to disappear like in each of her dreams. She looks at Frankie.

"You still love her too, right Jane?"

Jane opens her mouth, and then shuts it again.

_promise me_.

Her phone buzzes. "Rizzoli."

* * *

Fear. It's consuming her. eating her from the inside out. She rubs at her hands and rubs at her arms and then shoves her hands inside the pockets of her coat, and then takes them out and rubs them again. She's so afraid.

She watches Maura kneeling over the body of the woman they've found. The woman that Hoyt's apprentice has left for her. A message. A message if she could only figure out how to read it. But Maura Isles is kneeling over Hoyt's message, finding cause of death, And Jane is terrified.

Frost walks up to her. "If you want I can..." He gestures towards the crime scene.

"No, thanks Frost," She tries to smile. "I can do it." She doesn't know if he is offering because of Maura or because of Hoyt. Either way, she doesn't care. She can do it. She must.

"Dr. Isles,"

Jane watches Maura freeze, and then turn her head up as if she's in slow motion. She looks at Jane, calculating.

"Jane," She says, and her voice shakes a little, although she immediately looks furious with herself.

Jane makes her face go hard. Blank and professional. "Cause of death?"

"Strangulation," Maura says, pointing to the red ring around her neck.

Jane bites her lip, thinking, feeling Maura's eyes on her face. "He wanted me to find her. Quickly." she says out loud, and Maura stands.

She's still much shorter than Jane, and she looks up into the brunette's face, concerned. "Hoyt?"

Hearing his name from her lips makes her shudder. She rubs at her hands without thinking and Maura's head follows the movement, and her eyes widen.

Jane shoves her hands in her pockets but she knows that it's too late, that Maura has seen the scars standing out against her skin.

Maura looks like she could cry, "Did he..." Jane looks away from the hazel eyes. She's beautiful. She's still so beautiful and delicate. Jane wills herself to look back at Maura, giving her the best fake smile she can come up with.  
"What's a couple of holes, if he's locked up in a cell?" she says, and although Maura smiles back at her, her eyes never stop x-raying Jane. As if she could come up with the truth simply by looking.

"Will you run a rape kit when we get her back to the morgue, please, Dr. Isles."

The M.E. makes an irritable gesture, like she's shrugging off a fly. "Call me Maura. Please." She says softly, and Jane glances at her.

"No." She tu

rns to go. _No,_ Jane wants to say, _I am not that little girl anymore and you can't kiss this and make it better, you can't ask me to come to you when you never came to me_. Jane makes a fist in her pocket. _you can't have me back. _

But even as she thinks it she knows that it is untrue. That Maura only has to explain what has kept her away. Only has to say that she was sick, or trapped, or held against her will, and she can have Jane back immediately. It's why she never stopped writing, isn't it. Because she never let her go.

Muara steps up to her, steps right up to Jane, and the taller woman flinches, even though Maura has made no movement to reach out to her.

"We can't pretend that we don't know each other," Maura says quietly. "I don't want to pretend that."

"You've done a great job of it for the last 15 years," Jane feels anger coming to her rescue, "what's stopping you now."

Maura is silent for a moment, "Please give me a chance to explain." Although her face does not betray it, her voice tells Jane that she is close to tears.

"I can't-"

"Tonight, Jane. Please. Anywhere you want. fifteen minutes."

Jane shuts her eyes tight, fighting the urge to rub her hands together.

"Tonight," she hears herself say.

* * *

**ravenskyangel, and the couple of people that have asked in PM. this is definitely an AU. so you might see snippets of some stuff that happened on the show, but for the most part, it's just me messing around. Both Ian, and Garrett do make appearances but not in as central a way as on TV. **

**We got a heavy chapter of dialogue coming up, everyone. hopefully it will answer your questions about Maura's inability to come back over the summers, and why she didn't just jump a plane the day she turned 18. **

**Thanks to everyone who's reviewed. The next update will be within the next 12 hours, I'm just gonna sleep and put the finishing touches on it. :)**

**happy reading. t.c.**


	19. Chapter 19

"Where should I start?" She looks at the slight brunette on the end of her couch and feels her heart leap into her throat. "You can ask me anything. I can go through it chronologically, I can-"

"That first summer," Jane's voice is low and rough. It makes Maura shiver. Jane looks at the carpet as she says, "You didn't come home."

Maura waits, to see if there's more. Jane stays silent. "My father died."

Jane's head snaps up, and her dark eyes are wide, and genuinely sorry, "Oh…I'm-"

Maura puts her hand up, stopping the apology, "My mother was distraught. And I didn't know you had written. My father's will was complicated and lengthy."

Jane is nodding her head, but Maura can tell she's already beginning to check out. "I wrote you," she says, and it takes all her effort not to move down the couch to hold Jane's hand. "I sent you a couple of e-mails that bounced back and I called your number."

Jane looks at Maura, "We moved," she says quietly, and then she clenches her jaw, and Maura can tell she's trying to keep from continuing; that she doesn't want to give more of herself away, if she doesn't know what's coming back.

"I didn't know you'd written. I was so angry and confused, and my father's death complicated everything." Jane doesn't ask why, but Maura pushes on, "He left almost everything to me." She says, and Jane glances at her, and then away, again, determined not to speak.

Maura sighs. "Jane. I never stopped thinking about you. And there was a while there where I really tried to, but I couldn't. I wanted to-"

"What about the next summer?" Jane cuts her off, her question coming out quick and breathy, like she has to ask before she breaks down. She stands up and faces away from Maura, and the blonde watches as Jane rubs her hands, rolling them in each other, her shoulders tense with pain.

Maura, pauses. "My mother. She kept your letters from me. All of them. She convinced me that it was time to move on. I was eighteen, I hadn't heard from you. I had an estate to run, and…" Maura feels the lump in the back of her throat, but ignores it. "I thought you'd gone. I thought you were gone."

There it is. It is as simple as that. Maura remember sitting in her dorm room in Switzerland on her last day of school, her mother bustled about the room making sure that everything was packed appropriately, rattling off the list of things being prepared, at that moment, for her in her dorm room at Brown.

"Brown? You were in Providence for four years?" The accusation in that statement is hard to miss.

"Three. I did college in three years and then I fled the country again." _Being in your country but not being with you was unbearable, _she thinks, but does not say.

"You were hours away, Maura," Jane's voice is low, furious. "And you didn't come once." 

**"**_Yes," _She says, before she can stop herself. "I did."

"What?"

"I came once. On Valentine's day, Senior year."

Jane's face changes, "You…"

Maura works to keep her voice even, "You came were in the park, playing softball. you came around the gate to the bleachers, and you put your arms around a girl," Maura's voice catches, She doesn't want to talk about this. She doesn't want to see Jane's face as she'd leaned in and kissed that stranger. She doesn't want to feel the hot rush of jealousy and pain, or the anger and the numbness that had followed. "I drove away," she says shortly.

"So, that was it then. You saw me kiss another girl and that's the end." Jane says, not bothering to explain that day. Maura doesn't ask her to, it doesn't matter. Of course Jane had to dated other people. So had she.

"It confirmed that my mother was right. And I hated that. I hated thinking that what we'd had…" She trails off as Jane's hands tighten. God she wants to go over to her and put her arms around her.  
Jane sits down heavily, running her hands through her hair. She raises her eyes to Maura, exhausted.

"You gave up on me."

And Maura really can't help the tear that rolls down her cheek this time, because, for all intents and purposes, that statement is true.

"I never stopped loving you." The only truth she knows.

Jane sighs impatiently, these words don't mean anything to her. "Why are you back here, Maura? Why now? Why did you take that job."

Maura takes a deep breath. _Why are you back here._ She had been hoping to come to this question later. "Eight months ago, I was engaged." She says, and Jane's face goes paper white. "I was sitting there planning the guest list, and arranging the seats and I thought to myself," Maura swallows, "I thought, _I have to ask Jane who she wants to invite on her side_."

Silence. Jane is staring at her from her end of the couch, and her face is unreadable. Maura puts her hands up to her heart, one over the other, and Jane watches the movement, her eyes flickering towards emotion.

"I cancelled it. That day. And I put in for jobs in Connecticut, Massachusetts, New York and New Hampshire. I came back to…" Maura stops as Jane stands up, heading towards the door. "No, Jane, don't. _Please._"

"I can't do this," her voice is strangled. "I didn't give up on you, not once. I waited and waited and you never came back to me. I would have come to you if I knew where you were, Maura. _You knew where I was the whole time._" This last part comes out like a scream, although Jane has not raised her voice. She's lost the ability to control herself. Seeing Maura, being this close to her; she's sixteen again, waking up every morning to the bright summer sun in her window and thinking, _today. The hurt stops today, because I'll go to the park and she'll be there._ Jane shakes her head against the tears that are threatening to fall. How can seeing Maura again hurt this much? How can she want it to go on forever? She turns blindly towards the door. "I have to…"

"_No."_ Maura reaches out and grabs the only part of Jane she can reach. Her hand. Jane freezes as pain surges through her fingers up her arm into her shoulder, and for an instant, Maura feels the soft bump of a scar on the inside of Jane's palm, and realization crashes over her like waves. Whatever hurt Jane, punctured _through_ her hands. All the way through. But then she's being spun on the spot and thrown back, hard, against the wall by the door. Jane pushes her away with so much force, that her head thumps against the door frame. She lets out a tiny gasp of pain, opening her eyes to see Jane advancing on her, anger and terror in equal parts on her face.

"Maura, don't touch…I'm so sorry…are you? I…I didn't." She stops inches from Maura, her eyes searching the shorter woman's face. "I didn't mean to hurt you," she says desperately. "You just can't..." She shrugs her shoulders, tugging one long fingered hand in the other, "It still hurts when…" She looks away, flustered. "I'm not the same person I was when you…"

But Maura reaches out and puts her hand in Jane's hair. She can't help herself, the woman is so close, and she smells so good, and Maura has not wanted anything or anyone the way she wants Jane. Ever.

Jane shuts her eyes against Maura's touch, holding her breath. Maura works her hand through Jane's hair, down her ear, to her jaw, which stiffens under her fingers. "It's okay," Maura whispers. "I didn't mean to hurt you either." She slips her hand back into Jane's hair, and watches, as the brunette struggles against giving in. Maura pulls lightly at the back of Jane's skull, and her eyes flicker open for a second, and Maura registers nothing but pure, vulnerable, fear, in her best friend's face.

_Best friends. We were best friends. _

Jane resists for another moment before allowing Maura to lower her head and kiss her just below her ear, towards the back of her neck.

_"Please,"_ Maura whispers, feeling Jane catch her breath. She leans her forehead against Jane's, like they used to at night, under the covers of her bed. When kissing was nice, but it didn't express the simple need for closeness. _I don't just want you. I need you._

"You don't know me anymore," Jane says, and a tear finally breaks free, rolling down her cheek. "You don't know anything about me."

"Let me relearn you then."

Jane's muscles contract, like she might try to move away, but Maura tightens her grip on the back of Jane's head. "Please, Jay. Give me another chance."

Jane takes a huge, shuddering breath.

And slides her head down, to rest it against Maura's neck.

* * *

**Your comments are. so wonderful. I hope this answers a lot of things for you. I hope those of you that hate them fighting see that they're moving in the right direction and this was a big step. I don't like stories that are like FIGHT and then everything's okay again in 500 words. It was a long time. they're both different, they both have separate histories now. I hope you'll stay and keep reading as they find their way back to each other. **

**keep the reviews coming. I take them all to heart, and get some of my ideas from them too. **

**fallen austing, I'm sorry you spent the morning wondering :)**

**You'll all have another chapter tonight. It's coming fast now. **

**happy reading. **

**tc**


	20. Chapter 20

Frost leans forward, "I'm not really supposed to show you these," He says, "But you're working the case, and you need to know what happened."

Maura hears her heartbeat loud and fast in her ears, as she opens the folder, and pulls out the pictures.

"Oh my god," She looks away quickly, trying to erase the image from her memory.

"They found her pinned to the floor with scalpels. He'd kept her there for a couple of hours."

She shuffles through the pictures quickly, each one worse than the next. Jane, skinny and pale, tear tracks etched on her face, huddled under an ambulance blanket.

Jane with her hand up, blocking the camera, her palm open and raw. red with blood.

She pulls some tissues out of the box on the table and reaches for the medical file.

"How many hours is a couple," Maura asks. There are 123 ligaments running through the hand and fingers, and more than 75 nerves and arteries. she can't determine the extent of the damage without a more accurate time frame.

"Three. Maybe four," Frost hesitates, watching the doctor try to compose herself. "It was clear that he meant to torture her for a bit."

Maura turns the photos over, trying not to look at them again, and slides them back at the detective across the table from her. He slides the tissues at her, and she takes some more, reading the medical chart through burning eyes. Damage to the Ulnar nerves and the main portion of the Cephalic veins. Hoyt had pushed the scalpels in width wise, rather than length wise, no doubt aware that this would cause more pain and suffering. Maura closes her eyes, and it's as though the pictures are burned onto the back of her eyelids.

Jane, with her hands held out as the paramedic finishes the bandages.

Jane, with scowling at the camera, split lip and black eye lit up by the brilliant white crime scene photo flash.

"I'm not supposed to let you see the psych eval," Frost says, picking up the file and opening it.

"Of course," Maura says, quickly, dabbing at her eyes one more time. "I wouldn't want to-"

"Maura," Barry is holding out one sheet of paper to her. Maura takes the sheet of standard follow up questions, seeing that the answer to each of them is, _victim unresponsive._ She can't help but smile sadly.

"Of course," She says, handing it back.

"Korsak was her partner before," he says. "But when she came back she requested a new one. Little did she know that I'd just been given my badge." He smiles.

Maura doesn't smile back. "How long was she gone?"

"Six months," Frost says, "It should have been longer, but she somehow managed to talk her way back."

_This_ makes Maura smile, "That sounds like her." _No wonder she has chronic pain, _Maura thinks, _she didn't give it enough time. _

"Hoyt's had it in for her since then. Vowed to get her. and these bodies, they're his M.O. down to a tee."

Maura feels the tips of her fingers go numb with nerves. Hoyt's stalking Jane. He's escaped protective custody. He's hunting her. _Jane._ Some of what she's thinking must reflect on her face, because Frost reaches out and grasps her arm reassuringly.

"We're gonna get him," Frost says.

Maura looks at him, "Before he finishes what he started?"

"Yes."

Maura smiles weakly. "Thank you, Barry."

He squeezes her arm once before letting go, "Of course. You have the right to know, not only as the Medical Examiner on the case, but as Jane's friend." He raises his eyebrows when Maura lets out a disbelieve scoff. "Something I said?"

"I'm not sure that Jane would categorize us as friends," she says.

Frost looks at her strangely, "well she doesn't request that I bring her enemies down here to hear about her traumatic events."

"What?" Maura thinks she must have heard wrong.

Frost looks a little more wary as he responds, "Jane told me to let you see what happened with Hoyt," he says quietly. "You didn't know?"

Maura can only shake her head.

Frost goes to say something else, but the buzzing his phone distracts him.

"Frost." Maura watches his relaxed expression turn to shock. "Where?"

Maura stands, looking at him. "Jane?"  
"Is she alright?" Frost says into the phone.

Maura closes her eyes.

**"**No," Frost says firmly, "I'll go." He signs off and looks at Maura, who stares back, eyes wide.

"She got Hoyt. And his apprentice," Barry's tone is somewhere between relief and awe. "The apprentice is dead and Hoyt's back in custody."

Maura feels like she can breathe for the first time since the morning. "Jane?"

"Second degree burns, a superficial wound to the neck. She refused medical care at the hospital and a uniform," Frost lifts the phone, "Just dropped her off at her apartment. I told them I'd swing by and check on her."

Maura sighs, pushing her chair in. She doesn't want to go home and sit in her house and think about how close Jane came to death today. Again.

"Maura? Can I still call you Maura?"

"If I can still call you Barry," she smiles without looking at him, pulling on her jacket.

"I think you should come with me."

* * *

Maura bounces up and down on her toes as the elevator carries her up to Jane's apartment. Frost had refused to come in with her, and she was both grateful and terrified at facing Jane alone. The elevator slides open and she steps out into the hallway, checking herself once in the reflective metal of the elevator door, before mentally shaking herself and heading down the corridor.

She is nervous about knocking, scared that Jane won't open the door for her, but as she rounds the corner, she sees that not only is Jane's door open, but Jane herself is half squatting half sitting in the doorway, head in her hands.

"Jane?" Maura says, rushing forward.

Jane's head snaps up, "What are you doing here?" she asks, looking up at Maura. It is a genuine question, without any heat or accusation. Maura allows herself to feel hopeful.

"I was with Frost when he got the call about- about Hoyt. He dropped me off." If this seems weird to Jane, she doesn't make any indication, just nods and struggles to her feet. Maura steps back, giving her a chance to steady herself. She glimpses a bit of the apartment over Jane's shoulder, It's been demolished.

Jane sees where she's looking, "The weird thing is that it looked way worse before they ransacked it," She deadpans, stepping into her apartment.

Maura tries on a smile, that fades when Jane turns to face her, "What do you want Maura?"

Again, it is not an accusation. There is no venom in Jane's question.

"I wanted to make sure you were okay," She says.

"Where was that caring attitude fifteen years ago," Jane snaps back, automatically, and Maura flinches as though she's been hit.

Jane sucks in a breath, "That was mean," she says holding out her hands. "It was reflex. I'm sorry." She looks at Maura until Maura lifts her head to look at her, "I'm sorry." she repeats. Maura nods, and Jane, seeming satisfied that her apology has been taken serious, turns and walks towards her kitchen.

Maura stands, undecided, on the threshold. She has not been dismissed, but she has also not been welcomed in.

"I haven't got much to drink besides beer and water," Jane's voice comes from the back. When Maura doesn't answer, Jane's face appears around the corner of her kitchen. "Do you have a preference?"

Maura smiles as though Jane has offered her gold. "Water is fine, Jane. Thank you." She steps tentatively over the door jamb, smiling a little wider when Jane doesn't yell at her to get out. She looks around, "Do you want help cleaning?"

Jane reappears with a glass of water and holds it out to her, the bandaging on her wrists and neck makes Maura feel a little light headed. Jane looks around the apartment, taking a swig of her Corona. "Okay. You'll needs some work clothes, or something."

"These are my work clothes," Maura says, taken aback, when Jane stares blankly at her.

She is even more confused when Jane chuckles to herself. A real genuine laugh, and Maura thinks that if she could be the cause of that laugh forever, she would want nothing more.

"Well at least that hasn't changed," she mutters to herself, pointing towards a book case where most of the books have been knocked off. "I guess start over there, and I'll start over here."

They work in silence, although Maura doesn't feel awkward. Jane will pause in her clean up every once in a while and look at Maura, watching her restack the books on her shelf, and Maura understands that this is more reassuring to her than if they spoke consistently throughout the night. She bends down to pick up a book, and realizes that it is a picture frame. Turning it over she sees a group of kids with their arms around each other, all laughing at the camera. With a jolt of delight, Maura recognizes herself, arm around Frankie's shoulders, and her other arm looped through Jane's. Frost is on the other side of Jane, his arm slung lazily around Jane's neck. Maura, Frankie and Frost are all looking at the camera, mouths smiling wide.

Jane is looking at Maura, her smile just as big as any of them.  
Maura pulls the picture out of the cracked picture frame, and as it passes the light, she realizes that there is writing on the back of it. She flips it over.

There, in Jane's looping juvenile script are two words. _My family._

_"_Did the frame break?"

Maura jumps. She had not heard Jane approach her. She nods, not trusting her voice, and holds out the picture.

Jane takes it, and almost smiles, "Thanks," she says moving away. And Maura watches her go, wanting to say so much, and at the same time, not wanting to spook Jane out of this dynamic.

So instead she she settles for watching as the brunette moves back to the kitchen and stares at the photo a little longer before sticking it firmly to her refrigerator door with a magnet.


	21. Chapter 21

_"I'm scared."_

_Maura kisses Jane's throat, straddling her. They are in Maura's bed on a bright weekend morning. It's the day after Jane's sixteenth birthday party, and Maura has yet to give Jane a present. _

_Maura looks into Jane's face. "Of what?" she asks quietly, "That I'm going to hurt you?" Maura lets her fingers play over Jane's stomach, smiling when the body underneath her squirms a little. _

_"No," Jane says. "What if I'm bad at it?" _

_Maura smiles, "we can practice until you get better." She slips her knee in between Jane's legs, watching the face below her for signs of hesitation. _

_"Maura," Jane whispers, and Maura leans into her, placing a kiss on her cheek, on her jaw, on her lips. _

_"You can't say my name like that if you want me to stop," Maura smiles, pressing a little harder. Jane's hips spasm. _

_"That feels really…" Jane opens her eyes as looks at Maura, who nods. _

_"Your hypothalamus sends a message to-"_

_"Jesus, Maur, don't explain it to me, just do it again," Jane whines, her frown melting away as Maura sets a gentle rhythm. _

_"Am I just for experimentation?" _

_Maura's eyes fly open and she looks down at the body beneath her. Jane's hair is splayed out across her pillow, and her face is flushed with exertion and pleasure. But beneath it, there's a layer of fear. _

_Maura stops moving, "what?" _

_"Like that guy in Italy? Are you just curious?" The look on Jane's face could melt anyone's heart, and Maura feels a tug at hers. "Because this is my…it would be the first time I ever…" Jane blushes furiously, rolling her shoulders uncomfortably. "And I don't wanna…if you don't…like if you just want to…" But Maura leans down, slipping her hands up Jane's t-shirt, along her sides, and then down her back to her hips. _

_"What do I have to do to convince you?" she asks in Jane's ear. "I want to do this with you. Not to you." _

_Jane pulls Maura down onto her pushing and pulling at the same time. "I love you." _

_Maura thinks that she's going to come apart before this is over, Jane's fingers on her skin, rubbing up and down her back. Jane's mouth on her mouth. _

_She tightens her grip on Jane's hips, keeping them locked together. Going faster. _

_"Maura," Jane's body starts to go rigid underneath her. _

_"It's okay, I'm here." _

_"Maura," _

_"I promise. God, Jane. I promise you." _

_"Mau-Oh, Oh my God, M-" But Jane's words get lost as she buries her face in Maura's shoulder. Her fingernails digging into the soft skin near Maura's shoulder blades. Someone's pounding on the door, Maura's head shoots up _and she feels her neck crack horribly. The blanket that Jane lent her for her night on the couch slips to the floor. Maura sits up, trying to stop the arousal coursing through her body. It's been years since she's had that dream, although she can't say she doesn't know why it's back. The pounding on the door grows more insistent, and Maura wonders if she should open it. But before she can act one way or the other, Jane stumbles out of her bedroom, gun in one hand, rubbing the sleep from her eyes with the other.

"The hell?" she mutters, staggering to the door and in her tank top and leggings, she looks even taller and skinnier than Maura remembers. She looks away, as Jane leans forward to look out the peep hole.

"Nooo, Mom!" Jane groans, putting the gun on the table by the door and pulling the door open. "It's too early," she says, and Maura watches Angela Rizzoli burst into the living room.

"Oh, it's too early is it? It's too early for your _mother_ to come over and make sure you're okay? I suppose last night it was too late for you to call me and tell me that you ALMOST DIED. I have to hear it from Frankie this morning, like he's a newspaper or something."

Angela heads directly to the kitchen, but Jane holds the door wider, and after a second, Frankie slinks through looking guilty.

"Seriously Frankie?" Jane says, trying to stifle a yawn, "You couldn't have kept it in just a couple more hours?"

"She dragged it out of me," Frankie mutters, as Jane punches him on the shoulder.

"Mama's boy," she says, but she smiles.

Frankie looks up and notices Maura. His mouth falls open. Maura watches Jane's eyes follow his and when she looks at Maura, she looks just as surprised to see her there, although after a second her face changes as she remembers that she'd let Maura stay.

"-and of course Frankie wants to do everything Jane wants to do, so I have two children running around the worst neighborhoods in Boston, _looking_ for people with guns, and-" Angela stops her rant dead, as she looks up and sees Maura too.

"You!" she says, her eyes narrowing immediately.

Maura sees Jane's mouth move silently of several swearwords, as well as several compound swear words she's sure Jane has just made up.

"Ma," she says looking over her shoulder at the older woman by the sink. "C'mon."

"What are _you_ doing here?" Maura stands quickly, glad that she is still wearing her day clothes, even if they are a little wrinkled.  
"I helped Jane clean…" she starts, but trails off as Jane and Frankie send her warning signals with their faces.

"You're not welcome here!" Angela says incredulously. Jane spins on the spot to face her mother.

"Ma, Jesus! It's not your house," She screeches. "Maura's fine," She adds, almost as an afterthought.

"No it's not fine, Janie," Angela comes around the counter, glaring at Maura, "Do you have any idea what you did to this girl? To my _baby? _And now you want to come back like nothing's changed, like-"

"_Ma,"_ Jane is starting to sound panicky.

"Crying every night when she thought no one could hear her, walking around like a zombie, working herself to the bone to be good enough for you if you ever did come back-"

"_MA!" _ Jane yells now, though she looks a little bit stunned. "It's not Maura's fault, okay?"

Both Frankie and Maura look at Jane with wide eyes. Maura feels her heart lift a little, despite the insults that Angela is hurling at her. _Did she just say that?_

Angela turns to her daughter, reaching out for her, "I don't want to see you get hurt again Janie," she says, "Remember that woman you dated while you were at the Academy? The one who had an affair in your bed?"

Jane blushes the deepest shade of red that Maura has ever seen, covering her face with her hands.

"I know you picked her because she reminded you of Maura, but honey…This isn't going to solve anything either."

"Frankie…" Jane moans from between her hands, and as if waiting for his cue, Frankie steps forward, taking his mom by the arm.

"Okay, Ma, I think Jane's had about enough torment for this morning, okay? Let's let her compose herself. He leads his reluctant mother firmly to the door. As he pulls it behind him he makes his free hand into a phone and mimes holding it to his ear. _Call me. _

Jane nods, and the door slams behind them leaving Maura and Jane in the new, deafening silence.

"My mother," Jane says shortly, and Maura looks up at her. Her voice is heavy with pain.

She's rubbing the outsides of her hands, her brow creased with her discomfort.

"They hurt this morning," Maura says softly, taking a step towards Jane.

Jane jerks her hands apart, balling them into fists. She winces and Maura takes another step, shaking her head.

"Don't do that," she says "It's damp out, that's why they hurt so much. It rained last night. If you ball them up, they're going to hurt more."

Jane drops her hands to her sides, but the crease in her forehead doesn't go away. She turns to the kitchen. "Do you want some coffee?"

"Yes," Maura says instantly, following Jane around the corner, "Thank you."

The preparation is done in silence, but as Jane reaches for the coffee cups, she hisses in pain, and Maura decides that she can't stand it anymore.

"Jane," she says, extending her hands, palms up. "Put your hand here."

Jane stares at her.

"Please," Maura says, "If you want, I won't even look." She shuts her eyes firmly, and waits. She feels a flurry of air as though someone has turned on a fan, and tries to hide her smile, knowing that Jane is checking to make sure her eyes are really closed by waving her hand in front of Maura's face.

And then, very slowly, Maura feels Jane's hand slip into hers. For a second she just holds it, marveling at how long and thing the fingers are, and how rough her fingertips are and how smooth her palms. Then, with a little mental shake, she starts to rub. Starting at the outside and working her own fingers back in. "You have to work out and move in," she says softly, keeping her eyes closed. "The scalpels," she continues, feeling Jane flinch at the word, "Sliced through several arteries, and your body went into survival mode, trying to clot the blood and save your life. That's normally a very good thing, but in this case, when your hands got sewn up, your body had trouble understanding what to do. So your fingers are going to ache because there's not enough blood to sustain what you're doing sometimes. The morning s and the late-" but she breaks off, because the hand in hers is shaking.

She snaps her eyes open, and looks up to see Jane crying silently. Big tears rolling down her pale cheeks.

"Oh, No," Maura says, startled. "I'm so sorry, Jane. I didn't mean to make you…you should have told me it hurt," she drops Jane's hand but the taller woman puts it out again, trying to reinsert it into Maura's. "No, no, don't stop," she says, and her voice is hoarse with desperation, "It feels so good. This is the first time since…just. Please," Jane looks into Maura's eyes, begging.

Maura takes Jane's hand and begins rubbing again, "Of course," she says, shaken.

Jane leans back against the counter and sighs, another tear slips out from under her eyelid.

"I'm sorry about my mom, Maura," Jane says into the silence.

Maura doesn't look up, "It's fine."

"No, it isn't," Jane says earnestly. She pauses, Maura glances at her, "it's not your fault."

Maura feels her own tears, but wills them away. "I should have come back."

"You're here now."

Maura stops rubbing Jane's hands. For a moment they just stand there, Maura looking at the floor, aware of Jane's eyes on her.

"You were always good enough for me, Jane," Maura says quietly. "You are one of the best, bravest-" her voice cracks, but it doesn't matter, because Jane reaches out and pulls them together, bending to rest her head in the crook of Maura's neck. Maura can't stop the tears anymore. They break through and fall freely now, stored up from the moment she saw Jane at the crime scene. Stored from years before that, really.

Through the haze of her tears, and the feeling Jane's arms around her, holding her, not letting her go, Maura feels something better. Something that makes her cry harder, though these new tears are not from sadness.

She squeezes Jane tighter, silently willing her to continue. To never let her go.

To keep pressing her lips to Maura's neck.


	22. Chapter 22

Maura is looking at the pastries, trying to decide which one Jane will appreciate the most. It has been almost a two months since she's been back, and every day Maura clicks into the bullpen at the station in her high heels, with donuts and coffee for Jane, Barry and Vince.

The first day she had done this, Jane had been too stunned to say anything. She had simply accepted the coffee like a sleepwalker, staring at Maura as though not quite sure she was really there.

Maura had looked questioningly at Frost, who had nodded encouragingly, giving her the thumbs up.

"I didn't know how you take your coffee, but I guessed, and I brought extra in case I was wrong…" She'd waited to see if Jane was going to respond in anyway. Silence. "Three creams. No sugar," she'd continued, and Frost had nodded approvingly again. Jane had merely blinked at her. Maura smiled and handed a coffee to Vince and one to Frost, setting the box of pastries down on the desk.

"Thanks, Doc," Korsak had said enthusiastically.

"Perfect," Frost had said cryptically, inclining his head towards Jane.

Maura had beamed at the three of them and walked away towards the elevator.

"Dr. Isles is **hot**," she'd heard Korsak say.

"Shut it," Jane ground out.

"Relax," Maura heard Korsak say as she punched the button for the elevator, "She didn't try to guess how I take _my_ coffee."

"Maura?" Maura turns towards the familiar voice, shaking herself from her reverie. Angela Rizzoli is standing behind her.

"An-Mrs. Rizzoli," Maura says quickly straightening up, hoping that the woman will miss her almost-slip. "How are you?" She hasn't seen Angela since that morning in Jane's apartment, and unfortunately, she doesn't seem any more agreeable now than she was five weeks ago. Maura prepares herself, realizing that there is no younger Rizzoli to run interference this time.

"How do you think I am?" Angela asks, "When Jane's been the way she been recently? My heart's breaking all over again."

Maura stares, "I don't understand. Is Jane okay? Has she been…different?"

Angela scoffs, and her dismissive expression looks very much like Jane's "Of course she is! You're back in Boston. She's practically walking on air. She thinks you're back for good. That you two can-" Angela breaks off, looking uncomfortable, and Maura understands that as much as she's grown, there are some things that Angela still can't yell about in public. But Maura also feels her heart lift at the unintentional glimpse into Jane's mindset that Angela has given her. When they are together (and they have been together frequently, drinks after work, weekend lunches) Jane is noticeably stand offish: sarcastic and funny, charming…and guarded. Maura hasn't minded, after all, _Jane_ was there with her, smiling at her, even if her eyes did still look a little nervous.

But now, to hear that Jane is _happy_. She feels a though her heart might burst. She looks at Angela, "I am back for good," _unless Jane moves, _she thinks this last part.

Angela rolls her eyes, again, looking like her daughter. "If you hurt her again…" Angela shifts back and forth, working to control herself.

Maura stands up a little straighter, steps a little closer to the woman in front of her. This new information about Jane has made her bold. Decisive, "Angela," she says, "I know you'd rather I hadn't returned. I can't imagine how hard it was to watch your child suffer. You have to believe I suffered too, so much. I didn't lie to you when I told you I cared for her and wasn't using her. I've also had enough of other people defining a relationship that they are not in. My own mother almost had me convinced that it wasn't love that I felt for Jane, and I spent too many years of my life trying to live up to her expectations and hurting the only person who had ever really been there for me. I love your daughter more than I've loved anyone. I don't intend to leave her again. Ever." Maura turns back to the display case, "Now. Which of these do you think Jane would appreciate the most? I've gotten Cannoli three days running and I want to mix it up a little."

* * *

Maura loves watching Jane work. The Medical Examiner is often on the scene before Jane gets there, and so she gets the pleasure of hearing Jane arrive. Today is no exception and she is in the bedroom with the cadaver when she hears Jane's gravelly alto in the hall.

"Another one?"

"Female, 20's, looks like she's been strangled, but I'll let the doctor tell you herself."

Maura looks up to see Jane enter the bedroom, dress pants and a salmon t-shirt. Maura looks away, working on staying professional.

"Maur," Jane says, squatting down on the other side of the bed. She tucks a stray strand of hair behind her ear, and looks at the body. Maura sees a flash of pain slide across the brunettes face before anger makes it hard. "She's young."

"Not older than 25," Maura replies, wishing she could reach out and soften the anger lines along Jane's brow.

"Strangled too?"

Maura nods, and Jane stands up, letting out a breath. "This doesn't make sense," She says, running her hand through her hair.

"Psychologically speaking, murders rarely make sense to the cognizant mind. They are usually-"

"No-googlemouth," Jane says, rolling her eyes, "I mean the timeline doesn't make sense." She stands thinking for a minute, her eyes taking in everything in the room.

"googlemouth," Maura says, feigning hurt. In actuality she is elated that Jane appears to be joking with her.

"Wikipediamouth falls a bit heavy on the ear," Jane says distractedly. "FROST?!"

Barry skids into the room, going pale when he sees the body. "Uh, yeah Jane?"

"Do you have surveillance cameras footage of this building?"

"From last night? Yeah, I-"

But Jane shakes her head, "From a couple days ago," She glances at Maura, "I'll see you in the Morgue later okay? Will you run a tox screen for me and text me the results?"

Maura nods, "It will be a couple hours."

"Yeah, that's fine. Thank you, Dr. Isles."

Maura jerks her head up, ready to protest at the stiffness in Jane's voice, but Jane is looking back at her. Sly smile on her face. "Oh," she says, "Jane."

"See ya, Maur. Don't forget to text 'em."

"I don't _forget_ to do anything."

* * *

Jane sits on the end of Maura's couch. Staring at nothing. She's been this way since three officers dragged Kenny out of the Morgue in handcuffs. She'd been this way at the bar that Maura had suggested, hoping to snap her out of it, and she hadn't even protested when Maura had guided her to her car, hand in the small of Jane's back. She hadn't said anything when Maura hadn't turned at her street, but kept going, out of downtown to Cambridge, her house.

Now she sits, knees to chest, chin resting on her knees, just…looking.

"Jane?" Maura moves a little closer to her.

"He was a cop, Maur," she says, and her voice is gruff from disuse.

Maura nods. She can tell that the idea of dirty cops makes Jane more than a little upset. "He was sick. He was suffering from-"

"He could have killed you." Jane turns and looks right at Maura, her eyes focusing for the first time in hours.

Maura scoots down the couch to takes Jane's hand in hers, noticing, with a little internal celebration, that Jane doesn't flinch. She starts to rub. "You wouldn't have let that happen," she says simply, and it's true; the fear that Maura had felt at the sight of Kenny's gun had dissolved as soon as she'd seen Jane walk around the corner.

"If I hadn't figured it out-"

"You did," Maura cuts her off. "There's no other alternative to what happened tonight, Jane. You figured it out, you came to see me, and you stopped Kenny. End of story."

Jane tries out a smile, "_you_ stopped Kenny," she says softly, she says, miming a stabbing motion. "Jeeze, right in the thigh."

Maura laughs, her eyes closing momentarily, so she doesn't see Jane lean in, only feels her lips as they brush against hers.

Maura manages to shut down her instinct to jump, knowing that if she seems to be shying away, Jane will take it as rejection rather than shock. She kisses back but doesn't follow when Jane pulls away, tugging her hand out of Maura's to run it through her messy dark hair. Jane pulls the hair tie out of her hair, shaking her head, and Maura is reminded of the wind doing the same thing to that mane of curls, outside a cathedral, a million years ago.

She leans in and kisses Jane. Delighted when the other woman doesn't pull away, ecstatic when she responds.

Jane pushes forward and Maura complies at once, eager to show Jane that she is in control of this moment. She falls back, onto the couch and Jane slips in beside her, resting her lips against Maura's neck for a moment. Maura gasps lightly which makes Jane pull away.

"No," Maura says, and she has to fight not to reach out and pull Jane back to her, "It wasn't bad. It felt good."

"Maur, I don't think I can…Not yet. I can't…" Brown eyes find green. Maura smiles.

"With you," she says gently, "Not to you."

Jane's relief and happiness make Maura want to cry. But instead she kisses the detective's jaw, elated when Jane turns her head to find her lips, eyes closed.

"Maura," the whisper is the same as it's always been, hopeful and tentative, sending electricity up Maura's spine.

"I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere, ever again." Maura says, knowing not to say the word promise, but hoping that Jane hears it just the same.

"Maura," And the blonde woman opens her eyes and looks at Jane, because this time, the word is sad and full of distress. She's crying. Tears sliding down the sides of her face, breath coming in shallow little bursts.

"Jane, open your eyes, honey, it's alright." Maura leans over her, kissing her tears, "Don't cry. It's okay. It's okay."

"You're a dream," Jane growls out through gritted teeth. "I know this dream. Go away. _please_."

Maura wraps her arms around Jane, trying to stop her from trembling. She puts her head to Jane's chest, "No, sweetheart, I'm not a dream. I'm real, I'm here. I promise. Open your eyes."

But Jane shakes her head, and her eyes stay firmly closed, "trick," she manages, between sobs. "You tell me that all the time. Let me just stay a little longer."

Maura puts her hand to Jane's cheek. This, more than the letters she's read so far, more than anything Angela or Frankie or Frost has said, is breaking her heart.

"As long as you want, baby," she says, "Just open your eyes."

"You'll disappear."

"I swear I won't."

Jane sighs, as though she's heard this hundreds of times, but dutifully drags her eyes open, her eyes and expression dull, already resigned to what she believes to be true. When she sees Maura, she tenses, eyes wide. "Maur,"

Maura leans in, resting her forehead on Jane's, "I'm so sorry," she says, "Please-" But Jane kisses her again, and pulls Maura closer, tighter. Whispering her name between kisses, sliding her hand up to the base of the smaller woman's skull and holding on there.

And Maura is on fire.

She's dying.

She's home.

* * *

**Hi everyone! I hope you enjoyed this latest chapter. I really enjoyed writing it. 21 and 22 have been my favorite's thus far. I just finished the full outline of this story, and it comes out to 55 chapters. yikes. SO. my question to you all is: would you read 23 more chapters? there's no more break ups, but there is more angst and definitely some rough patches. But rizzles is intact from this point on...so would you read it? or do you just want a couple more cementing their relationship. Let me know would you? I love writing this, but if ya'll are bored...i can understand that :**)

**Ts, Dallas, Friendsfan101, balticbard, and you know I wouldn't forget you fallen austen, your comments make me so happy. ALL of your comments make me extremely happy. I can't tell you how wonderful it's been to hear that you like what I'm doing. **

**new chapter up within the next 24! Happy reading. **

**t.c.**


	23. Chapter 23

Jane wakes up to the buzzing of her cell phone. She doesn't move right away, trying to hold onto the sleepy contentedness that came with falling asleep in Maura's arm. _Maura. _Jane's eyes shoot open, and she looks around. Maura is sitting cross legged in an arm chair next to the couch where Jane is sprawled out, deeply engrossed in a medical journal. The chair she's sitting is tilted at an odd angle, almost facing the couch, and is much closer than normal. Jane is struck with the sudden thought that Maura has moved it…to be closer to her. _Don't be ridiculous, Jane._

"mmgh," Jane says, trying to work feeling back into the arm that's fallen asleep underneath her. She doesn't want to wake up yet, but her phone is wedged underneath her, buzzing and buzzing incessantly. "nnnngh," she groans in protest. Maura doesn't look up, but her forehead creases slightly, and her hand reaches out and she gently touches Jane's temple with her fingers.  
"Shhh, honey, I'm here. I'm right here." She says quietly, turning a page with her free hand. "Keep sleeping, it's okay."

Jane stops squirming, and it's all she can do to keep breathing, as Maura's fingers linger on the side of her head.

"Maur," she says, feeling like her throat has been scrubbed with salt, and Maura looks up, her concentration falling away into one of bashful happiness.

"Oh, you're awake! I thought you were just grumbling in your sleep."

Jane stretches, and feels Maura's fingers leave her face. She frowns, wishing that Maura would touch her again. It's only when contact is being made that she can really accept that this is reality.

"How long have you been up? What time is it?"

"About an hour, and a quarter after ten," Maura says, marking her place in her book and standing up.

"I slept late," Jane says, moving into a sitting position.

"You needed it. You look much better."

Jane guffaws, running a hand through the tangled mess that is her hair, "Gee, thanks Maur,"

But Maura looks at her with those wide hazel eyes like she can't figure out what she's said wrong, and Jane can't help but melt.

"Do you want some coffee?"

"Um," Jane tugs one of her fingers, trying to figure out how to make her request without seeming weak. "Yeah, but…" She stands, trying to articulate her feelings. All that comes to mind are swear words.

Maura studies her, waiting patiently, but Jane can't seem to make the words come out of her mouth. She has not had any practice at asking for comfort, in fact, all her practice has been in making sure she didn't _need_ it; in keeping everything that hurts to herself. "Can I?" _hug you. Hold onto you. Make sure you are real one more time. Just say it, Rizzoli, what's the worst that could happen? She could say no? Yes. That's the absolute worst thing that could happen._ She looks at Maura, whose look of apprehension melts at once as she understands. She steps forward into Jane's arms, allowing the brunette to put one hand on her waist and slip the other into her hair. Jane smiles, relaxing. It's real.

Maura sighs, and puts her head on Jane's shoulder, "I'm here."

"I used to dream…"

"I know."

Jane's going to say something else, but her phone buzzes, and Maura pulls away gently, heading towards the kitchen. "Coffee," she says, "and breakfast?"

Jane nods, groaning as she sees the name on the caller ID.

"Mom, Jeeze, If I don't pick up the first fifty times, do you think it might be possible that I'm busy? Or sleeping?"

Maura can't help but chuckle. For all her tough and dangerous talk, Jane is still about six years old when it comes to her mother.

Maura smiles at the coffee cups, listening to Jane's back and forth with Angela.

"What do you mean you're _in_ my apartment?" She says irritably, and then, "That was for emergencies, Ma, _c'mon_."

Jane turns to Maura with big incredulous eyes. Maura laughs.

"Ma, I'm a grown woman. I don't spend every night in my apartment." Maura watches Jane's face turn to horror at her mother's response. "Oh, _god_, Ma, gross. We are not having this conversation. I am hanging up on you…yes…yes I am…what?" Jane's face softens a little bit and a smile tugs at the corner of her mouth. Maura wants to kiss that spot. "Okay, Ma. I will."

She hangs up and pads into the kitchen, accepting the coffee Maura holds out with a smile.

"My mother says hi," she says, looking at her suspiciously. "What did you do to her?"

Maura smiles, "I told her that I understood why she was unhappy with me, but that I don't intend on repeating past mistakes." Maura says simply, and Jane sucks her teeth.

"You understand? I don't…she was really mean to you, Maura,"

Maura shrugs, "She had to watch you struggle," Maura says simply and Jane is quiet, thinking about the things her mother said upon discovering Maura in her apartment that morning. _Crying every night when she thought no one could hear her._

"I never knew she saw so much," Jane says honestly, more to herself than to Maura.

The blonde nods, "She notices more than you give her credit for. And sometimes you probably weren't very secretive. You cried the entire time your mom took you to see that play in downtown crossing. The modern version of Romeo and Juliet. Remember?"

Jane feels her extremities go numb. She stares at Maura, who is shredding Kale, completely unfazed.

"_I _remember," Jane says slowly, but how do you…"

Maura stops what she's doing very suddenly, her eyes going wide. She looks up at Jane, scared.

"Oh…"

"You have them," She's trying not to jump to conclusions, trying to stay calm.

Maura nods slowly, "The first day I saw you. Frankie told me. Constance had them all at the Belmont flat. I took them back," she says, and then, almost defiantly, "They're _mine_."

It is the abbreviated version of events, and Jane does not miss Frankie's role in the discovery, or that fact that Maura has just called her mother, Constance."

"You read them?"

Maura looks close to tears, panicky. "Almost all of them. About five hundred and fifty. Some of them were too…hard, and I couldn't…" She's losing her words, Jane realizes, in her anxiety.

She reaches out and takes Maura's hand, waiting until Maura looks up at her.

"Show me."

* * *

_Dear Maura, _

_I wish wish wish you were here right now. It is probably the second happiest day of my life, after that Valentine's Day we spent together. Or the morning after my Birthday…J_

_Anyway, do you want to know why?_

_I am holding my ACCEPTANCE letter to BCU in my HAND! Oh, my gosh Maur, it's the best thing that I've ever gotten in the mail. It was a cool shiny packet, with a folder and all these pamphlets about all the things I could do there. There was a letter from the field hockey coach telling me that he's interested in seeing me play! Maur, it's…it's wonderful! I managed to get it out of the mail and up to my room before Ma saw it, because she would go ape shit insane if she knew that I got in. And then she would do something even more insane like actually try to find the money to pay for it. _

_Don't look at me like that. There's no way I'm going to tell her. Pop is still refusing to pay child support, and as long as they are still legally married, there's nothing that she can do about it. My job after school at the precinct means that I get by pretty well by myself, but Frankie can't keep a job and get good grades at the same time. And Tommy did $850 in damages last week with his whole, graffiti thing. Fucking asshole. _

_And it's my fault Dad's gone. _

_I know, I know, it's just a hypothesis until I have proof, isn't that what you say? But I do now, Maura. From Ma. Do you know what made her finally decide to confront Pop? She found that e-mail I sent you on New Year, and she told my father about it, and he wanted to exorcise me. Can you stand it? He wanted to get the demons out of me, so that I could come back to God. And she said no. She said no, and she kicked him out so that he couldn't. She told me the other day when I found her staring at their wedding photo. And I told her, ask him back. And she said no, and why. _

_And she said, "I love you, Jane. And Frankie and Tommy. And I wouldn't do that to any of you." _

_And to ask her to figure out how to come up with 45,000 dollars so that I can go play field hockey on turf? Fuck. No. _

_It's enough that I got in. _

_It's enough that she loves me. _

_J_

* * *

Jane fingers the edges of the letters, stiff from age, "_That's_ your favorite?"

Maura smiles, coming to sit next to Jane on the couch. They are in the Den, and Maura has pulled out the second box of letters, her favorite year: Jane's senior year of high school. "Yes. It's the Jane that I know. Selfless and funny and proud."

Jane chuckles, "And a horrible speller, What did BCU see in me?" In truth, she's reeling a little. Seeing all of these letters, stacked like this, makes her realize the extent of time that has passed, and the amount of heart ache that time has taken with it. She rubs one hand in the other a little nervously. It's too much, really, the letters. After a while they had become like journals entries. She knew they were going nowhere, that there was no one on the other end to read them, but she couldn't quite kick the habit of sending them away every week. In case.

"How many are there?" She asks,

"Seven hundred and twenty three. There should be seven eighty for a complete fifteen years, but, you stopped for a couple months at the Academy, trying to…" Maura pauses, and Jane grimaces. She had been trying to forget her. She'd lost her virginity, dated a plethora of people, and been cheated on, right when she'd started to settle down.

She cringes, thinking about the letters that surround that gap, equal parts rage and sorrow and hopelessness.

"Twenty one to twenty two were hard," she says quietly, and Maura nods.

"I gather."

"Look, Maur, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have kept going. You don't have to make yourself read all of these. Especially the ones where I-"

But Maura shakes her head, reaching out and pulling Jane's hands away from each other, starting to rub one. "Grief has a lot of forms, anger is one of the most common ways that people, especially in the Americas-"

Jane grasps Maura's hand, stopping her from rubbing, "Uh uh, Maura, don't go all clinical on me," She says quietly, "I said some really fucked up-" Jane grins sheepishly, "_messed_ up things."

* * *

_I hope you don't come back. I hope you're gone for good. Forever. God, I hate you so much. You fucked my head up so much._

_Even when I don't write you I write you._

_Think of nothing but you. _

_Seven fucking years and I still dream that you're sleeping beside me almost every night. _

_Seven years, Maura. _

_But it didn't mean anything to you. You were just wasting time with the special kids until something better came along. _

* * *

"I'm not angry with you," Maura says, and Jane nods, even though she knows that this is a lie...deep down.

"It was Constance. I can't forgive her."

"You've said," Maura is reclining against Jane, their second and third cups of coffee on the floor by the couch. Breakfast plates stacked nearby.

"It's like she…saw me as this object she could hold up and everyone would ooh and ahh, but she never wondered if the light hurt my eyes. Or if I wanted everyone looking all the time." Maura has gone back to rubbing at Jane's hands, working up from the wrists towards the tiny puckered scars. Jane is quiet, watching her hands work.

"Where did you learn how to do that?" Jane asks, amazed at the way Maura makes her feel almost like Hoyt never happened.

"Anyone who's studied anatomy should be able to tell you how to make them feel better," Maura says huffily, "I can't believe your attending was not more helpful."

Jane smiles into Maura's hair. "Now, Now, doctor," she whispers, and Maura feels a thrill run through her at Jane's tone, and at the soft breath of Jane's words near her ear. She wants to kiss that ear, but she refrains. Wanting even more the conversation that is happening. It feels good, Like a release.  
"You wouldn't be who you are if your mother hadn't-"

"What? _Ripped_ me from you?" Jane is startled by the verb, but doesn't comment on it. It's one that she would have used to describe the feeling as well. "I would have been fine here," Maura says, pushing back against Jane. "I would have had you. There for me, instead of her, driving me like cattle," She's being harsh, Jane knows, in the upswing of emotions that the letters seem to cause.

"Yeah, fine. Not great."

"You managed to be great."

Jane scoffs.

* * *

_Can you believe it Maur? I'm going to be a detective. All those months and months of tramping around downtown crossing in a mini skirt and stilettos have finally paid off. And, do you know what Cavenaugh said? The youngest at BPD. The youngest woman, and the youngest overall, to be promoted. It feels good, to be talented at something. Really, really good. I wish I could send your mother the news clipping. She would probably fall out of her chair if she saw this. That I made it somewhere. That I have a job and an apartment (signed today!) and a fish! And I know you'd be proud of me, if you were here. I know you'd come and sit in the front row and smile that smile when I got presented with my badge. _

_That smile. _

_I don't think I'll ever forget it. _

* * *

Maura wraps her arms around Jane as she washes her breakfast plate in the sink. "You're still too skinny,"

"Keep feeding me that and you won't be saying I'm too skinny for much longer," Jane says, smile evident, even though Maura can't see her.

"Can I?" she asks tentatively, and Jane spins to look at her, holding her gaze.

"Can you what?"

"Feed you breakfast again?" It's a loaded question, and Maura means it in all of its implications. Jane searches herself for the feeling of doubt that always blossoms when someone asks her to make their relationship more serious. For the panic that usually comes when someone leans across the table at a restaurant and says _I love you_.

Because Maura _has_ said I love you. It's in that question and in her eyes and in the way she holds on to Jane's waist like it is her lifeline.

Jane searches for anything negative, expecting it to pop up and pull them both apart with a sarcastic comment or a cutting remark.

She finds nothing.

"Definitely."

Oh. That smile. Just the way she remembers it.

* * *

**All I can say is thank you. thank you thank you thank you thank you. Thank you for reading and commenting and liking this. Thank you for saying you'd read on. Means more to me than you know. Hope you like this supersized chapter! A new one should be up tonight, after I, you know...go to my job :) **

**T's you're the best. Thank you for all your kind, kind words. **

**Happy reading, friends**

**t.c.**


	24. Chapter 24

"Can I join you?"

Maura looks up from her coffee at Barry Frost. "Of Course, Ba-Frost. Sit down," Maura says, although she doesn't really feel like talking to anyone. Adam's death is hitting her hard. Seeing Garrett again after all this time is making her feel like she's stuck in a time warp.

"Did Jane send you?" she asks, half hopeful, have resentful.

"Not at all," Frost says. "I am under strict orders to leave you the 'ef,'" Barry makes air quotes around the fake swear word, "alone."

Maura feels a rush of tenderness towards Jane, sweet and protective, trying to help her. _I have to keep her this time_.

"Excuse me?" Frost raises one eyebrow, and Maura knows she's spoken aloud.

She sighs, "Is Jane furious?"

Frost considers her, "She's…confused. She knows you were," he pauses, "_involved _with Garrett. She thinks maybe that's why you're trying to protect him."

Maura feels her mouth fall open, "protect _him_?" the anger that she's been trying to keep at bay rushes through her, and she feels her face getting hot. "I'm trying to protect _Jane_."

"I don't follow," Frost frowns. Maura looks at the young detective warily, and he smiles reassuringly. "I am a vault," he says gently, "but you don't have to confide in me."

"Jane walked away from me. She thought I was leaving her for a different type of life. She thought that I believed my mother's criticisms about her…her…"

"class."

Maura nods, "If Jane approaches the Fairfields in an inappropriate manner, they could really do some damage, and…" _I don't want her to blame me. I don't want her to leave me._ Maura doesn't have the courage to articulate this last part, but Frost is nodding like he understands.

Frost appears to consider her for a moment. "Maura, you saw the beginning of what happened when Frank left," he says carefully, "But you missed most of the struggle. They had to sell the house. They lived in some pretty…unsanitary places for a pretty long time. Tommy was…Well," Frost hesitates, "That's not my story to tell you. But take my word for it that Jane has suffered more than she wants to admit watching people with money and power stomp all over the people she loves. Stomp all over what she fights for." Frost pauses, looking at Maura, trying to see if she understands him. Maura nods, grateful and jealous at the same time. He's grown up with her, knows her entire story first hand, and Maura has seen the easy way Jane interacts with him. How she treats him just like Frankie.

"I want to tell her, but I'm afraid it won't come out right, and she'll think I'm…"

Frost chuckles, "I'm not saying Jane's not the type to jump to conclusions," He makes sure Maura's looking at him. "But she's the best damn cop I've ever worked with. She can figure out the difference between what people say and what people mean in a heartbeat. And she loves you."

Maura can't help the disbelieving look.

"She does," Barry bites the inside of his cheek, thinking, and then it seems to come to him. "Wait here," he orders, and he disappears around the corner of the cafeteria.

Maura sits, staring at her coffee. _I'm trying to protect Jane_, she thinks. The past few weeks have been like an ongoing dream. Jane, around her all the time, smiling at her, holding her hand, _kissing_ her.

If she could just hold onto it. Not say anything to mess it up, push the detective away.  
Maura pushes her anger and hurt out of the way. What does it matter when Jane is _here. _It's up to her now to keep it that way.

Frost returns within five minutes, walking quickly and glancing over his shoulder. "Here," he hand her a small leather wallet.

"This is Jane's," Maura says.

"Yeah. I nicked it, and I've got about all of three minutes to get it back, so hurry up."

"Hurry up and what?"

But frost waves his hands at her, looking around for signs of Jane, and Maura flips the wallet open. There is nothing out of the ordinary. A couple of bills, a picture of Jane and Frankie as kids, and a small laminated scrap of paper, four inches by four inches, if that. Maura flips it over.

_J-_

_no matter what._

_I promise it._

_Happy Valentine's day._

_-m_

* * *

"What is _wrong_ with you? You've been distant and clinical all day. Either snapping at me or ignoring me," Jane advances on Maura, her eyes wide and confused. "Is it about Garrett? I'm really sorry Maur, that it turned out to be him."

"It's not about that," Maura snaps, and Jane crosses her hands over her chest, her expression cooling instantly.

"Okay…"

Maura grips the back of Jane's chair, trying to reassure herself, _you're in Jane's apartment. She can't walk out on you in her own apartment._ But the logic of this statement doesn't penetrate.

"Maura," Jane has approached her without her hearing. She feels a tentative hand on her shoulder. "Maura, I know that this was hard."

"You know _nothing_" Maura spits, whirling on the detective, instantly feeling that hollow panic in her stomach at having said the wrong thing. She puts her hands out, as if asking Jane to hug her. Reassure her. But as Jane moves towards her again, she flips her palms over. _Stop. _

Jane freezes, looking baffled, as Maura's hand curls into a fist, one finger out. She points it at Jane, accusing. "You know, _nothing._" She says again; though what she meant to say was _I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, please don't walk away from me. Don't walk away from me._

Maura turns away, ashamed by her tears and her anger, and the way she says the opposite of everything that she's feeling.

"Maura,"

"No. God, no. Jane I'm so sorry."

"Maura, talk to me. Please. I know today was hard. If you still have some type of feelings for-"

"What? That's ridiculous," Maura flushes with anger, and Jane looks at her, at a loss. "Why would you think that I still harbor feelings for that arrogant, self-centered-"

"Help me out here, Maur, I have no idea what's going on." Jane's face looks blandly disinterested, like she's already begun to shut down, and Maura feels the walls of unconsciousness pressing against her temples. She wills herself not to pass out.

"I can't"

"Why?"

"I might say the wrong thing."

"Would that be so awful?"

Maura looks horrified, "I can't lose you again."

"What?" Jane looks utterly confused.

"I can't say the wrong thing, and…and watch you walk away from me, again, watch your face do…do that thing, where you ice me out. I can't lose you again. I'm not strong enough to turn everything off…again." Maura covers her face with her hands, trying to stop the tears. She feels Jane wrap her arms around her, pulling her head to her shoulder. She gives in, exhausted. "That world, the Fairfields, The family I was almost _in_, Jane. I can't go back there. I can't lose you to them. I don't want to be like them. I want to protect you, _from_ them. But the last time I tried to explain. The last time- you walked away. I lost you," Anger is making her shudder with each breath, "You didn't give me a _chance_, and I-I.."

"Hey. Hey, it's okay. It's okay to be mad at me," Jane's whisper is close to her ear. Her hand in the small of Maura's back pulls her closer. "It's okay to be mad at me for walking out on you. I was so stupid."

Maura shakes her head, but Jane squeezes her, "Yes, yes it is." She says, but Maura continues to shake her head against her shoulder. "I have to show you that I'm back. That I'm never going away again. I have to show you that I've changed. I would never say anything to hurt you. To push you away. I have to-I have to be there. For you. I can't lose you."

Jane's arms tighten around Maura momentarily…

And then she pushes Maura away from her. Hard.

Maura Staggers back, eyes wide, staring at Jane, confused.

"You're such a bitch," Jane spits, and Maura would almost feel like Jane has punched her, except for the smug little smile that the brunette is trying to hide.

"What?" Maura gasps.

"Say it. Tell me how you really feel. Watch me stay right here."

Maura shivers. It doesn't seem possible. "I-I can't."

"_C'mon_ Maur," she almost whispers, and Maura does not believe that she is mistaken at the tone in Jane's voice. It's…sultry. "Let me show you how to trust me."

Maura backs up a couple steps. Willing the brunette to follow her, to make good on her words. "You're…a bitch," Maura says quietly, nervously. Jane takes a step closer.

"What?"

Maura swallows, her whole body painfully on alert, looking for any sign that Jane is backing away from her. But the taller woman doesn't move again. Her eyes stay locked on Maura's face.

"You walked out on me when I begged you to stay. You acted…like-like a bitch,"

Jane growls, but she takes one stop closer. _Closer. She's coming closer._

"You wanted me to go. I'm nothing to you. I was nothing to you," Jane says.

Maura nearly crumbles under the tidal wave of anger that crashes down over her. She grips the back of the arm chair so hard her knuckles turn white. "You stupid, superficial, brilliant, ridiculous little girl," She yells, and surprise flickers momentarily across Jane's face, but Maura can't stop now, the anger outweighs her dread, her certainty that Jane will turn on her heel and desert her. _How dare you_. "How could you think that? How could you possibly believe that I would give in to my mother's antiquated ideals of what I should be? How could you have believed that I wouldn't have fought for you, wouldn't have stood by you. Do you know how much _time_ we've wasted?"

Jane takes one step closer. It's agony. And there's no mistaking her expression now. It's settled resolutely in satisfaction…and lust.

"Jane," Maura knows she looks terrified. She _feels _terrified.

"Trust me," Jane's voice is like melted butter. "Maura. Sweetheart. _Trust _me."

It's wonderful, devastating agony to have her so close, to be able to say all these things. Maura's heartbeat is pounding through her entire being.  
"You walked out on me. I begged you to stay. I-I hate you for it. How could you? I loved you so much. God, I love you so much."

And then Jane has Maura in her arms, closing the gap between them faster than she could have imagined possible, kissing her and pulling her…wrapping her arms around her and pulling her towards the bedroom.

"Jane," Maura says, dazed as Jane pushes her sweater up over her head. "_Jane,_" She wraps her arms around the taller woman's neck and her legs around her waist, as Jane picks her up, taking her the last couple feet to her bed. "Strong," Maura mumbles, feeling Jane follow her onto the bed, slide on top of her. Maura can barely make her fingers nimble enough to undo Jane's button down shirt, and she groans in disappointment at the tank top she finds underneath.

Jane sits up, pulling Maura with her, pushing her soft silky shirt up and over her head, so that Maura falls back against the pillows in just her bra.

For a second, Maura watches Jane looking at her; watches her face as her lust deepens, but gets tamped down by caution, and…something else. Something darker. She looks into Maura's eyes, asking permission.

"Tell me," Maura breathes, not bothering to fight her own arousal. Hearing it in her voice.

"I hate that he had you," she growls, and Maura flushes crimson into her chest, her stomach flipping at the obvious excitement in Jane's voice, as well as the jealousy in the statement.

"Why?" she asks, putting her hands on Jane's hips, feeling them tense underneath her. She knows she could. Even though they're still half dressed. Her hands contract automatically.

Jane's eyes travel down Maura's body, to where they come together, "Because I want you," her voice drops as Maura's hips spasm, "Just for me."

Jane drops her head, kissing down Maura's neck to her shoulders, sliding the bra straps down so she can kiss more of her. Touch more of her. Maura whimpers as Jane's leg slides between hers. She presses against it desperately, warmer and wetter than she's ever been, even when naked. She thinks vaguely of stopping to take her pants off, but she couldn't, even if she really wanted to. She's barely in control.

Jane pulls away, and Maura feels her absence like a physical wound.

"We're not babies anymore." Jane whispers, holding Maura's hips still beneath her.

"I want to let the hurt go."

"Don't leave me," It's Maura's final attempt at honesty, and she struggles to hold onto coherency a little longer as Jane releases her hips, moving against her. Bringing her closer. "Please, Jane."

"Trust me."

"please."

"Trust me."

"Yes…yes...please…yes…"

* * *

**Okay...so. I like this chapter, but I understand it might be a little confusing/controversial? What do you think? Do you like how I'm incorporating the series? ALSO, guys. I hate paddy doyle. I hate the whole damn plot line. Would y'all revolt if I cut it out? I can ****_write it _****if you guys want to see it through my eyes. but...I don't really want to. **

**ts. fallen austin, you guys make my day on a repeated basis. **

**happy reading. **

**t.c.**


	25. Chapter 25

_It's okay, Maura. _

_Baby, Let go._

Maura's orgasm rips through her with the force of an explosion, but Jane holds onto her through the whole thing, whispering in her ear. _it's okay. it's okay. _Her pulse is beating so hard in her neck that it hurts, and she drags in ragged breath after breath, trying to get control of her self, but her body spasms again and again, as her climax goes on and on. she pulls at Jane's shoulder blades, trying to ground herself back in reality, trying to remind herself that this is not a fantasy, but Jane. _Jane, _who has awakened this feeling inside of her. "Oh, _God_," she groans, feeling herself shudder one last time.

As she begins to come down, she feels Jane's lips on her neck. "I'm never walking away from you again. You can rage all you want at me. I'll always be right here."

But Maura pushes Jane away so she can reach the buckle on Jane's pants, wanting more reassurance than words.

"Jane," she mumbles, feeling the zipper give way, and reaching down for her own button fly, "I need to feel you...closer. Say it again. When you're closer. _Please._" She closes her eyes,

Jane obliges, sliding out of her pants and then slipping Maura's over her hips, placing a kiss on her hip bone that pulls a moan from the blondes throat.

For a moment, She feels nothing, and then Jane's back, slipping up her body, making sure to give Maura exactly what she's asked for. "I'm never walking away from you again," She says quietly, laying her arms on Maura's arms, stretching her legs out and tangling them in between Maura's legs. "I'll always be. right. here."

"Oh," Maura breathes, and Jane stills.

"Okay?"

"You're so...long."

"Thank you?" Jane giggles against Maura's neck.

"It's," Maura swallows, "God, it's fantastic. Your bone structure is-" But Jane kisses her. And she loses her train of thought.

She doesn't know how long they lie there, trading kisses and talking about nothing.

"You still wear boy shorts,"

"If you're going to try to convince me that thongs are 'soo comfortable,' again, I'm getting out of bed,"

"No you're not. Your body languages says you have no intention of moving from your current position,"

Jane's hand, residing for the moment in Maura's hair, tightens, "What else does my body language say, doctor?"

Maura flushes, loving the way Jane says the word _doctor_, and Jane snuggles closer, pulling Maura's hair gently, so that they are eye to eye.

"I mean't what I said last night, Maur" Jane says.

"What?"

"That I want to let the hurt go. I want us to let it go and...try again. If you will have me."

"Jane, what I said last night..."

"Don't apologize, Maura, I mean it."

"It was unkind."  
"It was real," Jane leans in and kisses the side of Maura's mouth. "You have to start trusting that I'll stay, even if you yell. Even if it hurts for a minute. You can't try to be perfect around me. That's not a real relationship."

"I can't lose-"

"You're not gonna." Jane hugs her and Maura feels like a teenager, the way her body thrills at the closeness. She runs her hands around Jane's waist, pulling her tank top up and over her head in one swift and practiced motion. She rolls them over so that she is on top, straddling the dark haired woman, her eyes searching Jane's midsection, looking.

Maura can feel Jane's nervousness in the clenching of her stomach and the pace of her breathing, but she doesn't make any move to stop the medical examiner as she examines Jane's rib cage and stomach, running her fingers lightly over the old scar, tracing new ones for the first time.

"I fell in love with you then," She says softly, "In your arms."

Jane closes her eyes, "You had a concussion."

"I fell in love with you then," Maura insists.

Jane considers. "When you said you saw the real me," she responds. "Really saw me. That was when I loved you."

Maura smiles, "I win."

"I'm different now."

"Me too."

"But I'm still in love with you," Jane's dark eyes open with her confession, hopeful and deep and open. Waiting."

Maura settles into the crook of Jane's arm, face against her shoulder. "Me too. Of course I will have you, Jane."

"I've got some more scars," Jane says, her voice a little guilty and mostly proud. Maura nods, feeling her fingers slide over one on Jane's shoulder. She wants to learn them all.

"This one?" she says, propping herself up to look, a frown on her face, "It feels like someone...like someone..."

"Bit me?" Jane chuckles. "That's because he did. Suspect high on PCP. Bit right through my shirt. I had to get two stitches." Jane laughs at Maura's stunned face.

"Jane, that's rather serious. Drug addicts statistically have the highest-"

"Relax, Doctor Isles, I took all the necessary precautions," Jane says, pulling Maura's head back down to her shoulder.

Maura kisses the scar, and is about to scoot down and work on reacquainting herself with Jane's collarbone, when the sound of the front door being unlocked makes both women sit up.

"What?" Maura begins, but Jane leaps from the bed, with a muffled swear, sprinting from the room.

Maura follows her, arriving in the living room in time to see Jane slam the door shut just as it is being pushed open.

"MA!" Jane howls, as Angela Rizzoli makes a similar noise from the other side of the door. "That key is for EMERGENCIES. Rizzoli Sunday is NOT an emergency."

Jane looks at Maura with wide, indignant eyes, her chest heaving from the dash across the apartment. Maura puts her hand up to her mouth, covering her smile.

"Well I've been calling you and calling you, making sure that we were still on for today, but you never picked up your phone. Are you going to let me in?"

Jane looks meaningfully at Maura, who understands and bends to pick up her sweater from last night off the floor, and disappears back into her room to get dressed.

"You have to wait out there for a minute," Jane says. I'm not...dressed,"

Maura pulls on her pants, smiling as Angela's voice responds, much higher than before, "It's 11:45 in the morning, are you sick? Why didn't you call me? Did something happen?"

"No, _christ..." _Maura hears Jane mutter under her breath, and she laughs softly. She does a quick search of the bedroom, easily finding where Jane keeps her t-shirts, and then her pants, and grabbing a t-shirt and jeans, heads out to the living room.

"Here," she whispers to the detective, who is still pressed up against her door as though someone has threatened to kick in.

"Why would you not be dressed in the middle of the day if you weren't sick or..." Angela's voice stops abruptly, and Jane's head snaps up. Her jeans are half up her legs, and her hair is wild, hanging through her face. Maura fights the urge to press her against the door and kiss her. She looks so cute when she's disheveled, when she bites her lip nervously like that. Maura can't help the laugh that escapes her. Jane puts her finger to her lips, glaring at Maura, which only makes it harder not to laugh.

"Ma?" Jane says into the silence.

"Is Maura there?" Angela asks, her voice full of ill concealed excitement.

"MA!" Jane stomps her foot like a child.

"Okay, okay. I'll give you girls a second to get yourselves together," Angela is practically singing. "I take it that your brother has not arrived yet. He's as bad as picking up the phone as you are."

"Oh my God," Jane says, rubbing the bridge of her nose.

"Take your time," Angela calls, "As long as you need."

Jane opens her mouth to respond, but Maura steps forward and puts her hand over her lips. "Thank you Angela," She calls, trying not to laugh, as Jane's eyes widen in horror.

* * *

"I WIN! I TOTALLY WON THAT!" Frankie jumps up and attempts to moonwalk around the coffee table, which is hindered by the fact that Jane has jumped onto his back.

"You're such a cheater, I called bullshit on you like fifty times! There's no way you had a two! I had ALL THE TWOS!"

Maura and Angela lean back out of the way of Jane's feet as Frankie swings her around, trying to throw her off.

"Be careful, you two!" Angela scolds, but her face is shining with tears of laughter. She grips Maura's bicep as the brother and sister topple to the floor, "God, it always ends like this. Two weeks ago, Frankie shoved Jane into on of my good vases, broke it beyond repair.

Maura winces a little, watching Jane grapple for dominance over her much bigger younger brother. "Was it this card game then too?" They've been playing Bullshit. A card game that necessitates lying in order to get rid of your cards as fast as possible. When someone suspects you of lying, they call you on your bullshit, and you have to take all the cards from the pile. Needless to say, Maura ends the game with almost half the deck in her possession, and Jane and Frankie were locked in a furious race to victory.

"No. Yahtzee, if you can believe that," Angela laughs, "I have yet to find a game for these two that doesn't end in a wrestling match."

"You do this every Sunday?" Maura asks, not taking her eyes of the wrestling duo.

"As regularly as we can, if Jane's not working a case or doesn't get called in," Angela touches the wood of coffee table to ward off the jinx, and Maura bites back her explanation of why that gesture is futile. The night has been reminiscent of times gone by, although with much more alcohol. They had ordered pizza, and Angela had tried, unsuccessfully, to get her children to talk about something other than police work. Maura had tried to bow out of the dinner, but Frankie and Angela wouldn't hear of it. Best of all was when Maura had still been unsure about staying, Jane had squeezed her hand, and said, "please?" And Maura had not been able to do anything but nod.

One of Jane's foot sails within an inch of Maura's wine glass, and Angela snatches it and stands up. "Oh," she scoffs, "_you two!" _She reaches out and helps Maura to her feet and they take refuge in the kitchen, where the remnants of the pizza from earlier need to be put away.

"Thank you," Maura says, opening a cabinet in search of Aluminum foil, "for letting me stay."

Angela looks up from the sink, surprised, "Of course, Maura," she says, "I know I didn't seem very happy at your return, but it was just so unexpected."

Maura nods, "For me too."

"An Jane seems so strong," Angela says as though she hasn't really heard, "But she's been through so much."

Maura pauses wrapping the leftover pizza. "You're talking about Hoyt," Maura says, and Angela flinches at the name.

"I'm talking about all of it," She says simply, and Maura nods. "She's seems so resilient, so incredibly in control," Angela says, "But I think things get to her. Like anyone."

"She's incredible. Period," Maura says, smiling. In the living room, Jane has bested Frankie, has him pinned to the floor, and is demanding he admit to cheating.

Maura realizes something with a jolt. "Angela? Where's Tommy?" It hasn't even dawned on her until now that the youngest Rizzoli is missing.

Angela's face darkens, "He's...he's in Jail." She says.

"Oh," Maura reaches out and grips Angela's wrist, "I- I'm sorry, I shouldn't have..."

But she doesn't get any farther, because her phone goes off on the kitchen counter, the ring tone telling her it is work.

She squeezes Angela's arm in apology, and picks it up, "Isles,"

In the living room, she sees Jane stand up, phone to her ear too.

"Rizzoli."

* * *

**Hi everyone! Hope your weekends were good! I've been away from the internet. But that's lucky for you, because I drafted 10 chapters while away. Which means double time updates for you this week! **

**Hope you'll keep reading, keep enjoying and keep letting me know. **

**happy reading!**

**t.c.**


	26. Chapter 26

_"Ma, I don't have it." _

_"You don't have to get all of it, just about Twelve. I know I can come up with the other five from somewhere." _

_"Ma, that's my entire savings, I'm not kidding. What if something happens? What if I need that money." _

_"Your brother needs it Jane. Do want him to spend another night in a cell?" _

_Jane doesn't answer right away, she's staring into her refrigerator, as though the answer to her anger is food. "He broke the law, mom. He's going to have to go back, even if we get him out on bail." _

_"Janie, he's just a kid." _

_Jane sighs heavily and slams the door of her fridge shut. "I can do eleven. Maybe. But that's it, Ma. Honestly, or I won't make rent this month."  
"You could move back in with me." _

_"Oh, that's great, Ma and where would I sleep?" Jane clenches her fists. _

_"You and Frankie always shared-"_

_"When we were __**kids**_**,**_Ma, Jesus…" Jane tries to keep her anger in check, but it's hard. She's exhausted, and hungry, and now she is about to be poor. "Why can't Pop get Tommy out of lock up?" _

_There's a pause, "That was the first call your brother made," Angela says quietly. "But he didn't pick up apparently. He leaned hard on the fact that he was your sister, and they let him call me." _

_Jane feels two emotions explode in her chest and fight for her attention, anger that her brother has used her name to get special treatment, and heartbreak at her mother's tone._

_"Oh, Ma…" _

_"I don't know what to do, Janie. You have to go get him out of there and talk some sense into him," Her mother is fighting tears now, real ones, and Jane knows she won't be able to deny her. She rubs her forehead. _

_"I'll go down, okay Ma? I'll go down and see what I can do." _

_"Thank you…thank you so much, baby."_

* * *

The case is hitting Jane hard. Maura can tell by the way Jane is sitting when she enters the bull pen the next morning, her shoulders bent and tense, her hair through her face.

"Jane," she says holding out the coffee.

"Double cream," Jane says without looking up, "Can you, Maur? Please?"

"Of course, Maura sets the coffee on the edge of Jane's desk and reaches into her purse for the extra creamers. "I swung by your apartment this morning, but-"

"I slept here," Jane says, tearing her eyes away from the case file she'd been reading. "I wanted to check into something.

Maura opens her mouth, but Frost speaks up before she can say anything, "Jane. The bouncer. He's definitely not clean. Did two years for sexual assault, got another four tacked on inside for assault of a guard."

Jane stands, and Maura notices her breath hitch, as though she is in pain. "Let's go," she says and Frost grabs his coat. Maura hands Jane her coffee, and the detective gives her an exhausted smile before following her partner out of the precinct.

Maura sinks into Jane's vacated chair, watching her go, feeling unaccountably nervous, and definitely confused.

"It's the hate mail," Korsak says from his desk.

Maura looks up to meet his eyes, "Excuse me?"

Korsak stands and comes around the desk to pull open one of Jane's desk drawers. It's full of mail, some of it hand written and some of typed. Maura reaches out, then hesitates.

"Go ahead," Korsak reassures, "they're copies."

Maura pulls one out

**"Gays go to hell. Your establishment is run by the devil. One day you will all burn."**

Maura drops the letter like it's burned her, and looks up at Korsak, her eyes still full of confusion. He smiles at her. "Jane's the exact opposite of you, Maura," he says, "It's what is turning out to make you two such a good team. You can't do your job well unless you stay objective. You find the facts and your reinforce them." Maura nods, wondering what other way there is to do a job. Korsak chuckles, reading the look on her face, "Jane is the exact opposite. She can't do her job unless she feels it, unless it connects with her in some way. And this?" He gestures towards the drawer, "Well, she's feeling it, alright."

* * *

_Jane pulls up to the curb and stops the car. She glances over at her youngest brother, slouched down so far that she imagines only his hat is visible from outside. _

_"Tom," _

_"Save it, Jane," he says angrily, glaring out the window, "I'm not staying here." _

_"It's here, or my apartment," Jane says tiredly. "The courts say you can't go back with dad." This is not, strictly speaking, true. In fact, Frank senior has finally tired of Tommy's behavior. Jane has his custody amendment in her bag. _

_"Is Leah still there?" _

_"Yeah," Jane says._

_And Tommy snorts in disgust, "Then no fucking thank you." _

_Jane shrugs, "Then you have to stay with Ma," _

_"What so she can fuss at me and tell me what to do and-"_

_"Cook you breakfast and do your laundry and buy you whatever you want?" Jane cuts him off, unable to keep the anger and the frustration out of her voice any longer. "Jesus Tommy, what a hard life you live. I understand why you've turned to assault and petty crime." _

_"I didn't assault," _

_"You broke a woman's ribs, T, do you understand how serious that is?"_

_"If she'd just let go of the handbag." _

_"Christ, Tommy!" Jane slams the steering wheel. "Do you hear yourself? Can you HEAR yourself? You beat up some woman so that you and your boys can go down to the pier and get high." _

_"My friends-" _

_"Those jackasses are not your friends T, where were they when you got popped huh? Who came up with your bail money so you didn't have to spend more time in there than you have to? Not your 'boys.' Not even Pop. Me, Ma, Frankie. Your __**family**__." _

_Tommy speaks quietly, adopting the tone that all the Rizzoli's use when they wish to do damage. "she was coming out of that club on second anyway. __**You**__know the one, I bet. So she wasn't a woman anyway. Just some dyke."_

* * *

They won. Of course they won. Maura is beginning to think that there would never come a time when she and Jane will not conquer the bad guys, solve the case. It is Thursday night, pleasantly warm as they walk towards Maura's car.

She loops her arm through Jane's, sighing when the body next to her tenses slightly, but not pulling away. "Will you come home with me?" Maura asks, stopping on the driver's side of her car. Her words seem to take a second to penetrate, and Maura watches Jane's face shift into the present. She smiles at Maura, "Yes."

The car ride is silent. At a red light, Maura glances at Jane. Her face is mask like, unreadable. Maura sighs, reaching out and taking her detective's hand.

"Everyone knows you much better than I do," Maura begins, and Jane starts and looks at her, confused.

"Korsak knew this case would affect you, and he steered clear of you all day. Frost barely said two words to you. And most of them were the same sentence, 'it's alright. We'll get 'em.'" Jane rubs her head with her free hand, but doesn't add anything to the empty space Maura leaves open for her response.

"Hate mail often has nothing to do with the recipient," Maura tries again, "It is often the result of ill managed anger, religious beliefs and narcissism that culminate-"

"My brother assaulted a woman outside of Merch when he was 16," Jane says so quietly, that Maura has to replay the words in her head to make them make sense.

"Oh…" Is all she can come up with in response.

"I spent a month and a half of rent to bail him out. And he says what he did doesn't matter, she was a dyke. Not really a woman."

Maura flinches, more at Jane's monotone than at her words. She wishes that they were having this conversation somewhere where she can wrap her arms around the brunette and kiss feeling back into those eyes.

"I got him a year of probation. No jail time…somehow. And eight months later he's arrested for armed robbery. Assault with a deadly weapon. Got himself 7-10."

Maura closes her eyes.

"It was my fault."

* * *

_"You were supposed to be watching him. You were supposed to keep him out of trouble." _

_"I was working all day. How was I supposed to keep him from walking into that store?" _

_"He said he asked you for a loan, and you didn't give it to him." _

_Jane feels as though a cold hand has closed over her wind pipe. "What?"_

_"He said he asked you for a hundred dollars and you didn't give him the time of day." _

_"I don't __**have**__a hundred bucks, Ma!" Jane fights tears, feeling light headed, feeling weak, in every sense of the word. "Are you saying that if I had lent Tommy money, he wouldn't have shot that clerk?" _

_Frankie puts his hand on Jane's shoulder, "No, Janie, no one is saying that," he says quickly, but their mother cuts across him. "He might not have been there at ALL, Jane!" _

_Jane sits down hard on the low stone wall outside the court house, feeling like she has no legs. Frankie's hand tightens around her shoulder blade. "Ma!" he hisses, wonderfully loyal, always by her side. _

_"That's my baby, going away in there!" Angela yells, and people walking on the sidewalk speed up to avoid the scene. "All I ask is that you look out for your brothers, and what happens, you drag one into the line of fire every day, and the other one goes to prison." _

_"Enough, Ma! Enough," Frankie shouts, overpowering her for the first time. "Jane keeps us together." _

_But Jane doesn't hear the rest of his words. She feels numb all over, maybe from the January wind whipping all around her, maybe from her mother's words. "You were supposed to look out for your brothers." _

_Jane barely feels her brother pull her to her feet and lead her towards her car._

* * *

"I don't know how I made it home or what I did the entire next week. I know Leah left." Maura is sitting behind Jane on the couch, rubbing slow circles into her back, anger pulsing along with her heartbeat.

"She didn't mean it, Jane."

"I know," Jane says wearily, pushing back against Maura's hands and sighing deeply. "And she apologized later, in her own way. I just…"

Maura feels the brunette shudder, and pulls at her so that they are pressed against each other, Jane's back into Maura's front.

"I don't understand why families have to hurt each other so much. I used to think it was just blood ties. You fight and you make up and you fight again. But Mel and Katie _made_ their family. They chose each other."

Maura squeezes Jane tighter, knowing what she's driving at, but unsure at how to reassure her. She settles for pressing a kiss to the brunette's temple.  
"Is it all about money, Maur? Is that what it really comes down to? Tommy needs money so he doesn't think twice about assaulting a woman or shooting a store clerk? Mel needs money so she kills the person she swore to protect?"

Maura shakes her head, "You're certainly not Mel, Jane. And you're definitely not your brother."

"I've needed money."

"You'd never use violence."

"Sometimes I feel…"

But Maura spins Jane so that they are facing each other, brown eyes clouded with pain and memories, locked with green, gentle and steady. "I'm not afraid of you, Jane. I know who you are. You're not one of those people, okay? You're a good guy. And I feel immeasurably safe and warm and loved when I'm in your arms."

Jane lets one tear slide down her cheek, closing her eyes when Maura's finger wipes it away. Maura stands, pulling her drained and suffering detective after her. "Come to bed with me," She says quietly, holding tighter when Jane hesitates. "Not to have sex," she says, checking her tone, she just wants to lie down with her, put her arms around her and hold on. Be there.

"Not for sex," She says again, gentler. "

Just to bed. Let me show you what else family can mean."

* * *

**Jayda, Ts, fallen austin thanks for your kind words. I look forward to your reviews as much (probably more) as you look forward to the updates. **

**lynnettecullen, looks like you're all caught up. hope you'll keep reading!**

**Next chapter tonight...and it features everyone's favorite...Constance Isles. You didn't think I forgot her, did you?**

**happy reading!**

**t.c.**


	27. Chapter 27

Maura has never held anyone in her arms as they cried themselves to sleep, and she's thoroughly undone by the way Jane's body folds into her the moment she pulls the covers up around them.

"I love you so much, Maura."

"I love you too, honey," she runs her fingers through the detective's messy hair, trying to remember all the things she's read about comforting someone, barely trusting herself with the delicate pieces of life that Jane has put in her hands.

She rolls onto her back, in the big king sized bed, pulling the slender frame with her, and after a moment of lying next to each other, with Jane tucked into her side, the brunette slides up and on top of Maura, placing her head under the blonde's chin, her ear pressed against Maura's chest, as though intent on nothing more than hearing the medical examiner's heart beat.

"Is it enough?" she asks after a moment, her voice rough and exhausted. Full of tears that Maura knows she won't shed until she is given permission.

Maura finds the pressure point at the base of Jane's skull, and she presses it lightly.

"Yes," she whispers, her other hand rubbing Jane's back. "That's all I want from you. I just want you to love me," Maura waits, looking inside herself, surprised when she realizes that this is the complete truth. Well, Almost, "I just want you to let me love you."

Jane snakes her hands under Maura's shirt, tracing her fingers up her sides, "Maura,"

Maura nods, "It's okay." she says, pulling Jane closer as she begins to cry. "It's okay."

She feels completely out of her depth, but Jane doesn't seem to want anything beside her physical comfort, and after a a while, her breathing evens out and she relaxes against Maura, asleep.

"I love you, Jane," Maura says into sleeping woman's hair, kissing her softly, before closing her eyes and letting sleep take her as well.

* * *

Maura looks up from the stove as Jane wanders into the kitchen. She looks a little paler than Maura would like, and her eyes are still rimmed in red, but she looks more cheerful than she has in a while. She smiles as Maura hands her a cup of coffee.

"Double cream?" Maura says hopefully. She wants to be able to read Jane well enough to guess when she wants double cream. Jane grins and nods, slipping onto a stool at the breakfast bar. "Thanks," she says, and Maura studies her face, trying to figure out what her expression is.

Jane ducks her head, "Stop trying to analyze me Maur," She says, and her smile is gentle.

"Are you alright?" It's not the question Maura wants to ask, but she can't make herself ask any of the others, _was I alright at comforting you, will you stay with me another night, can I see you that vulnerable and that lovely, always? will you promise to never shut me out. _

Jane reaches out for Maura's hand, "I'm fine. It was a lot. Yesterday. Watching Mel show absolutely no remorse for what she'd done," Jane waves her hands in the air as though she can make her bad thoughts disappear. She looks nervous for a moment, and Maura waits.

"Maur," Jane tugs at her fingers. "If we don't get called in today..." she trails off, and Maura hides a smile, watching her gather her nerves.

"Can I crash here again?"

Maura lets out a relieved gasp of a laugh, that makes Jane look up at her. "Of course. If we get called in, you can stay here. If we have to work 24 hours in a row, at the end of that, you can stay here." Maura turns around to check on her quiche. "I sleep so much better when you are with me," she says without thinking.

She doesn't have to see Jane's reaction though, because the door bell rings, and Jane gets up and heads into the foyer to answer it. Maura smiles into her coffee, thinking about all the possibilities that this Friday has brought with it. Jane has to finish her paper work at the precinct, but when that's over, they can take the T to the MFA, there's a new exhibit about Homer that she really wants to-

"Jane Rizzoli," the voice at her front door makes Maura's blood run cold. "I would ask when you arrived to visit my daughter, but judging from the state of you hair, and the silk sleep pants you have on that are too expensive to belong to you, I would surmise that you slept over here. And not in the guest room."

Maura, who can count the number of times she's ever run on one hand, on one FINGER, sprints into the foyer, reaching out without thinking with both hands to grab Jane's shoulders. "Get _away_ from her," the words are ripped from her throat without her permission. She has not seen Constance since she'd kicked her out of the attic, away from Jane's letters. And now that her mother is here, standing in front of the real Jane, the woman who trusted her enough to fall apart in her arms last night, Maura's panic is tantamount. Her whole body screams _no. Not again._

"Maura," Constance looks startled, "what are you talking about?"

Maura steps in front of Jane, "What are you doing here? What do you want?"

Constance pulls her mask back into place, "I'm in town for a conference. The Beauty of Science. I sent you the clipping."

Maura bristles, "Well, I haven't been opening anything you've sent me, Mother. Just filing it away in a box in the back room."

Jane gasps at this remark, and Constance glances at her. Maura feels another sick swoop of panic as her mother opens her mouth, and, afraid that she is going to go after the detective, cuts across her, pulling the woman's focus back towards her. "I'm not going. So you can take me off the guest list," she says icily, and Constance stares appraisingly at her daughter.

"I'm afraid it's not that simple, Maura," she says, stepping over the threshold without an invitation. Maura reaches instinctively for Jane's wrist, but does not back up. She feels Jane's whole body tense, ready. "I've told them that you will do a presentation on your cases with the BPD. The founders are three very respected medical analysts and researchers, and I thought this would be a wonderful career move for you, if you-"

But Maura cuts her off again, anger surging through her. She felt Jane jolt slightly at the word, "move," and although she wants nothing more than to turn and throw her arms around the taller woman, right now she is intent on making it clear to her mother that there is no competition.

"I have no intention of making a career move. I am happy where I am." She feels Jane's eyes on the side of her face, and she works to keep a blush off of it. She knows her voice sounds different than Jane has heard it. _It's like I'm two different people,_ she thinks, _It's like I'm fractured. God, let Jane understand that I want to be the person I am with her. _

"I'm happy where I am," she says again, more firmly, for Jane's benefit. Out of her peripheral vision, she sees Jane's wide eyes move from her face to take Constance's, waiting.

Constance looks at Jane, and she smiles the way Maura used to smile when she felt dead inside. "You're welcome to come hear Maura speak, Jane. Of course," She takes in the detectives frame again, "I'll put you on the guest list so you don't have any trouble at the check in."

Maura steps forward towards her mother, finger out, "Don't you ever..." she starts, but Jane puts her hand on Maura's shoulder, and Maura settles for clenching her jaw.

"What, Maura?" Constance's eyes go wide in feigned innocence. "I have no control over what our peers might think about..." her eyes linger on Jane, and Maura can't help the scarlet tinge that finds its way to her cheeks this time. "Get out," she says firmly. And Constance puts her hands up, pretend hurt. _Everything about us was pretend. _

"Jane," Constance tries one last time, But Maura steps up into her mother's personal space, smelling her expensive perfume, looking at the heavy of make-up on her mother's face. _What does my mother really look like. _"Stay. Away. From her," Maura says again, each word spaced out and even. She points at the door. "Go."

Constance gives her daughter one last exasperated look and then turns and sweeps back down the sidewalk. Maura shuts the door on the image of her mother, leaning her forehead against the cool wood, trying to get her body temperature back down to normal.

She feels Jane's arms snake around her waist, tentative at first and then bolder as Maura leans against her. Jane kisses Maura's ear.

"You're happy where you are?" Jane asks quietly.

" Yes," Maura says firmly. "I'm happy where _you_ are." She spins in Jane's arms, to see her looking down, a little bit apprehensive and a little bit in awe. She bites her lip, and Maura catches her breath.

"Jane, my mother is wrong...she's..."

"I think you should do it." Jane says, putting her head in the crook of Maura's neck.

Maura pulls back, incredulous, "What?"

Jane shrugs, "You're a genius. And you should get a chance to you know...spread your...intellectual wings."

Maura laughs, "Oh, Jane, I don't need-"

But Jane tilts her head up, and kisses her, it's gentle and slow and wonderful, and Maura feels her knees get a little weak. When Jane releases her, it takes her a moment to regroup. "What was that for?"

"For how you were, just now. How you wanted to..." Jane spreads out her hands, "Keep me."

Maura wraps her arms around Jane's neck. "Always."

"Promise you'll at least _think_ about speaking?"

"I promise."

* * *

**friendsfan101: aw! thanks. I might be a little harsh on Tommy, but I like the chapter too!** **Jayda: I think in this universe, Frost is gonna be Maura's bestie. Just gotta figure out a way to make that happen. Ooglie? Holy moly, thanks for the follow. I LOVE your story to death. , I keep meaning to thank you for your comments. they make my day. Oh, Fallen austin: you're like a human to me, now! everytime I post i'm like...oh i hope fallen austin likes it. **

**We've got more updates coming soon, as fast as I can transcribe them! hope you'll stick around!**

**happy reading!**

**t.c.**


	28. Chapter 28

Hoyt.

Maura wishes she could go back to a time when that name didn't make her insides clench with fear. She stares at her computer screen, not really seeing it. She doesn't need to see the results anymore. They are conclusive, and she knows what it means. She rubs her hand over her eyes, trying to shut down the image of Jane, flat on her back, scalpels through her palms.

Jane already knows it's Hoyt, and although Maura doesn't believe in the supernatural, she has to admit that the detectives instincts do often boarder on the extraordinary.

She'd heard the words cold storage, and her face had hardened like a rock.

"It's an apprentice," she'd said quietly, shoving her hands in her pockets to keep Maura from seeing the fists she was making. "Another fucking apprentice."

"We don't know that, Jane," Frost had said, glancing at Maura. But Jane had given him an scornful look and strode off across the park towards the cruiser.

"Shit," Frost had said, watching her go.

Maura shuts the top of her laptop, wishing she'd waited to read the results. Tonight is her talk at the conference on Beauty and Science, and as much as she's downplayed it over the last week, she is very excited. And very nervous, not just because she'll have to speak in front of hundreds of people, but also because she's deliberately putting Jane and Constance in the same room.

"Hey Doc," Maura looks up to see Barry Frost in her doorway. He's dressed in a tuxedo, complete with boutonniere, and he gives her a little spin and bow. She smiles.

"Detective Frost, you look wonderful," she says, hoping her voice does not betray her anxiety. She wants Jane to be the first to know definitively, wants to be there when she really processes it, "What can I do for you?"

Barry looks a little uneasy as he steps into her office. "I've been instructed, by my partner, to escort you to the conference on Beauty and Science," He says and Maura stiffens.

"But…Jane was supposed to…"

"Jane went home earlier this afternoon to…uh…"Frost looks as though he's does not really believe the words he's saying, "get ready for tonight. She assures me she'll meet us there."

Maura leans back in her chair, assessing the young detective to see if he knows anything more about the situation.

"She said if you don't believe me, to open your e-mail," Frost says, shrugging his shoulders.

Maura does as she's told, smiling when she sees that the first e-mail in the queue is from Jane.

_I'm not bailing. But I couldn't wear what I'm wearing to your talk around all day, and…I want you to see it for the first time when we get there. _

_I love you. _

_Go with Frost. _

_-J_

Maura tries to look put out, but can't quite manage to lower the wattage on her smile. "You two really planned this out, didn't you?"

Frosts grin is almost as sly as Jane's can be. "We're not the best for nothing, doctor. Shall I wait outside while you get ready?"

Maura nods, standing and heading to her closet.

* * *

The Conference Hall is large and luxuriously decorated. Maura and Frost are waved through the gilded double doors without having to state their names, and one of the security guards taps his hat to them, and Maura recognizes him from the precinct. "Dr. Isles," He says respectfully. "Nick," she says, smiling at his surprised smile. "You got roped into this?"

"Hey," he says, dropping his professionalism for a second, "it's good money on a Friday night." She chuckles, and lets Barry lead her into the entrance hall. Maura feels a little lighter. If her mother has left Jane off the guest list, which is not outside the realm of possibility, Jane will not have any trouble talking her way in.

"Maura," speak of the devil. Maura and Frost turn to see Constance Isles gliding gracefully towards them, a smile plastered over her look of relief. "Maura," her mother kisses her on either cheek and holds her hand out to Barry, which he knows enough to kiss. "You're early, you look stunning, and you're going to be wonderful."

Maura nearly trips over her heels, "Excuse me?"

Constance blinks, "What? Can't a mother reassure her child? You're not nervous are you?"

Maura shakes her head mutely. Her mother truly is beaming now, and Maura allows herself to smile as well. Maybe…

"Come, bring your handsome date over here so I can introduce you to the Surgeon General."

"Oh, no, mother," Maura says looking over her shoulder, towards the door, "I want to wait for Jane to get here." _I don't want her to have to make small talk without me. _She turns back to her mother, and what little hope she had for the evening crashes to the floor. Her mother is looking coolly distant again. Realization brings a hint of color to Maura's cheeks.

"So Detective Rizzoli _will_ be joining us tonight."

Out of the corner of her eye, Maura sees Frost barely control his face, as he swallows his anger, turning a grimace into a smile.

"Yes," Maura says, feeling her temper start to get the better of her. "She's meeting us here. She should be here any moment."

Constance sighs as though the entire weight of the world is on her shoulders.  
"Honestly, Maura, I thought you'd come to your senses when you accepted this offer."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Maura hisses. Barry tightens his grip around her arm.

"That she's not cut out for places like this. She has no education, she has no-"

But Barry's grip is tightening further, as though he's trying to get her attention. She puts up her hand to stop her mother's tirade, and turns to Frost, "What is…" But her voice gets caught in her throat as she looks where he's looking. Jane has just come through the double doors into the hall, and Maura is suddenly unable to hear or see anything but her.

The dress is green. Not bright and not loud, but deep and velvety and carnal. A green like the monster that rears in Maura's stomach when several men follow Jane's movements with their eyes as she walks down the hallway. The dress stops just at her knees and her legs look like they go on for days, an illusion not broken by the black pumps on her feet.

Maura tears her eyes away from Jane's legs to look up into two warm auburn eyes fixed intently on her. She's gorgeous. Her hair is up, pulled back into a bun tight and neat at the base of her skull.

"Holy…" Frost says, just as transfixed as Maura. He unlinks himself from the Medical Examiner, and, realizing that she seems frozen to the spot, gives her a little push towards the brunette walking towards her.

Maura doesn't know how she manages not to stumble, seeing as she can't feel her feet. She makes it to the detective, who smiles hopefully at her, waiting.

"Jane…"

"Is it alright? Am I late? It took a little bit of magic to get into this thing." Jane does a little spin for her, and Maura feels herself get light headed. The back of Jane's dress is open, plunging down to the small of her back, the majority of her long, defined back on display. Maura feels a rush of arousal and of protectiveness. She want to both show Jane off, and cover her up. Jane turns back, eyes searching Maura's face, becoming increasingly anxious when Maura doesn't respond. "Maura?"

"Jane…"

Jane brings her hands up to rub one in the other, her tiny black clutch shaking with nerves. "It's not right," she says quietly, looking dejected. "Maura, I'm really sorry. I can go and change, or go and…not come back-"

"Shut up," Maura's voice is low, hungry. "You look…you look amazing. You look…you're _beautiful_."

The effect of her words is immediate, Jane's worry melts away and she fixes Maura with a dazzling smile. "You don't have to sound so surprised," she says nudging Maura. There it is, Maura's smile widens, her Jane, Still there.

"So it was worth worrying that I'd chickened out?" she asks, catching Frost's eye a couple yards away and winking. Maura can only nod.

Frost appears by Jane's side, putting his hand on her elbow, and Maura has to physically fight the urge to growl and swat his hand away. "Your mother says it's time to take seats," he says, smiling knowingly at Maura. "Don't worry, Doc, I'll keep her safe for you."

Maura grins at Jane's widened eyes and her blush, "Thank you, Barry. I'm counting on it." She leans in and kisses the sides of Jane's mouth feeling it turn up in a smile. "I have to sit on stage, but there are seats with your names on them in the front row," she says.

"Oh," Jane fumbles with her clutch, "I almost forgot," she pulls a dark blue stone out of her bag. It's small enough to conceal in her hand, and flat, with a depression in the middle about the size of a thumbprint. "It's a touch stone," Jane says, pressing it into Maura's hand. "If you get nervous, or flustered, you can rub this spot right here," she shows Maura the little dip in the surface, "and it will calm you…ground you."

Jane blushes again at Maura's wide eyes, "I know. I know, you don't get flustered, but I thought…just in case."

Maura wants to throw her arms around Jane's neck and kiss her for about an hour. Instead, she settles for a smaller kiss, this time on Jane's cheek, and a quick whisper in the ear, "You are _amazing_." She gives Barry a quick last smile, and turns, heading towards the spot where her mother stands like a statue.

She reaches Constance Isles, smirking at her mother who is still staring in disbelief at Jane. "You're ready, Mother?" She asks, not bothering to hide her feeling of superiority.

Her mother shoots her a dirty look as they head towards the door that will lead them to the stage, "You can put nice clothes on anything, Maura," She says quickly, but Maura laughs, a real, genuine laugh. "Enough," she says firmly, although there is no heat in her voice. She truly doesn't care whether her mother continues or not, it no longer matters. Jane is here, and gorgeous and wonderful. Her presentation is well researched and in depth and brilliant.

Maura feels invincible.

She's in her element.

* * *

"Your program says that I am the Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. That would imply that my job only entails things that are decidedly no beautiful. I cut bodies up for a living. What could I possibly have to contribute to a seminar on Beauty in Science? Well, tonight I would invite you to look beyond the Y incisions, and the dissections, and the crime scene photos. To look, not at the pieces of the puzzle, but the sum of their parts. To see the beauty in hearing a story from something that was believed previously, to have no voice. I am quite literally, a speaker for the dead. And I would like to share that beauty, that...intimate beauty with all of you tonight."

_In the first row, the detective presses two fingers to her lips and holds them out and up, towards the woman on stage. _

Maura smiles, "Let's begin. First slide, please."

* * *

**Awww. our ladies. I love them**

** : thank you! Ts:I agree. Maura's got stuff to work through. hope you'll start to see her merging the two parts of herself as the story continues. jobee, heatwave, jayda, cheree, ccjlfan, i'm glad you like this new, stronger Maura! she's only going to get better. **

**Fallen austin never stop! i want to know your thoughts on everything always all the time, go! lol. **

**we're about to take a little dip in to Hoyt. hang in there friends. New update tonight!**

**happy reading. **

**t.c.**


	29. Chapter 29

**ZOMG you guys this chapter is super M at the end...so...fyi...**

**Authors note at bottom**

* * *

"Jane?" Maura rolls over to empty sheets, and an empty side of the bed. She sits up, looking at the clock, 3:52am. "Jane?"

Nothing.

Maura throws back the covers and gets out of bed, trying not to let panic sink in just yet. But the bathroom is empty and the kitchen and the front hall. she checks the guest room and the pantry before stopping in the door of her bedroom to try and control her breathing.

"JANE?" she calls, louder now, but the house is silent and shadowed in the predawn light.

Maura looks out the window into her driveway, trying to decide if the fact that Jane's car is still there makes her feel better or worse. _She has to be in the house, _Maura thinks, and quick like lightening, she is visited by the vision of Jane pinned to her kitchen floor, scalpels through her palms, mouth open in a scream. She sinks down to the sitting position in her doorway, hands grasping at her head, trying to focus. _She's fine. She's fine. She's here somewhere. You just have to find her. You just have to think rationally._

But it is hard. As the days stretch by without any sign of Emily Stern, without any leads on who Hoyt's new apprentice could be, Jane seems to sink further and further into herself, and Maura has to work hard for the smile she is so used to seeing.

Three nights ago, Maura had forced Jane to sleep in gloves, as she had rubbed the scars on her hands raw. Maura had noticed as the detective had washed her face for bed. The water in the sink had swirled pink, and Maura had grabbed Jane's hands, appalled.

"They're fine," Jane had said dully, starting to rub them together again without even thinking about it. Maura had kissed her forehead, knowing that she wasn't going to get much of a fight. Jane's forehead felt hot against her skin. "I'll cut the fingers off so they're not too warm in the night, okay?"

Jane had merely shrugged.

Cavenaugh had taken her off the case the next day.

From her sitting position in her door way, Maura tries to focus on what she knows about Jane when she feels cornered or afraid.

_She fights. _The answer comes to Maura so easily that she feels foolish. She hurries down the hall and flips the light on to her basement stairs, seeing that the light to her workout room is on. Relief washes over her like a warm blanket, and she rushes down the flight of stairs, ready to throw open the door and be indignant and scolding, ready to yell at Jane for worrying her half to death in the middle of the night. She rounds the corner, hands on hips. "Jane, it's the middle of the night, do you know how worried I was when I-" but Maura's sentence is cut short by the scene in front of her, and the cry that it pulls from her throat.

Far from working out, Jane is huddled in the corner of the room, knees pulled up to her chest, with her head one her knees.

"Jane!" Maura rushes to her and kneels down in front of her, taking a delicate wrist in her arms to feel for a pulse. it's there, strong and fast, Maura feels her own speed up to match it. "Jane. Sweetheart. Wake up. What are you doing down here?"

Jane's eyes flutter open, and Maura knows immediately that she's not seeing her. her face is clouded and tormented.  
"Jane," She says, more firmly this time, watching the brown eyes focus and widen and soften towards tears in the space of a few seconds. She wraps her hand around to the back of the detective's head, and pulls her forward onto her shoulder. "Oh, honey," she says as she feels wetness on her skin. "Oh, Jane."

"Maura," Jane's voice is so small, but she wraps her arms around Maura and holds on like it's her lifeline.

Maura makes her decision right then. Hauling the taller woman to her feet, she leads her towards the stairs.

"I can't go back to sleep, Maur." Jane whispers.

"I know," Maura says, trying to remember where she put her cell phone. "Don't worry."

* * *

Frost jogs away from where Frankie and Jane are still playing and comes to sit next to Maura on the park bench. The sun is starting to rise, and the only sound in the still morning air is the sound of the basketball slapping against concrete, and Jane or Frankie's occasional grunt or shriek of laughter. Maura blows into cupped hands as Frost takes a seat. Summer is definitely over, and at 5:30 in the morning, the air feels cold against the exposed parts of Maura's body. She'd bundled Jane up and put her in the back of her car, texting Frankie and Frost at the same time. Praying that as law enforcement, they never turned their phones off. She'd been right, and less than an hour later they'd met here, at the park, Frankie carrying a basketball, Frost a thermos of hot chocolate. Slowly, working as a team. the three have them had coaxed Jane out of her catatonia. First to drink the warm chocolaty drink, and then, finally, with a bashful smile, onto the concrete court to play Frankie for beers.

"Thank you," she says, smiling as Frankie catches his sister around the waist and pulls her away from the basket, trying to keep her from scoring. The brunette's laugh, hidden in a squawk of protest, makes Maura's heart much less heavy.

Frost shrugs, "I know we were both relieved when you called us. Neither of you should be dealing with this alone."

Maura frowns, "I'm not dealing with anything," she says quickly. "Hoyt's not after me."

Frost scoffs, his eyebrows shooting up when she turns to look at him, "C'mon, _doctor_, you know as well as I do the difficulty of taking care of someone with post traumatic stress disorder." He reaches out and takes her hand, and Maura is too surprised at the sudden showing of friendship to pull away, "No one's immune to it. Not even the great Doctor Isles." he says, giving her hand a squeeze. "But we're a family. And I'm glad you called."

Maura swats at the tears in her eyes with her free hand, not knowing how to convey the overwhelming gratitude and affection she feels for this man. "Thank you, Barry," she says, when she can find her voice.

He nods, glancing at her and then back out at Jane and Frankie, letting her compose herself. "So you're holding up alright?"

"I...yes...I mean..." Maura pauses trying to collect her thoughts. "She's having nightmares again. And not just one's about Hoyt. Ones where she believes I'm just in her imagination. That I haven't come back." Maura shudders, although she can't tell if it's from the chill in the morning air, or the memory of Jane, eyes wide open, blinded by sleep, struggling away from her, terrified.

Frost shakes his head, "If you tell her I told you this, I will deny it up and down." he says quietly. Maura looks at him, "When I went to see her that first time, after Hoyt...she was so completely out of it. The pain medication, and the stress from being trapped down there..." He pauses, and for a second he looks the way Maura remembers him as a scrawny fourteen year old. "She kept talking to you. Like you were there. But then she'd snap out of it for a while, and cry. Fall back into it..." He trails off, looking as shaken as if it was yesterday.

Maura looks up at the rapidly brightening sky, as if that will keep her tears in. Frost sighs, "I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know you feel like you're letting her down, when you don't know what to do for her. Or when you feel like you gotta call me or Frankie. But her comfort is so wrapped up in you, Maura, that you strengthen her just by being there. This," Frost gestures out at Jane, laughing as Frankie tries to dribble around his back and trips over his feet. "This wouldn't have worked without you here. Believe me. We tried."

As if she's heard Frost's words, as if she knows she needs to prove their accuracy, Jane calls out to Maura from the basketball court, and jogs over to her, looking much more like herself.

Maura stands, and Jane slips her arms around Maura's waist and buries her nose in her neck. Maura shivers at her cold skin.

"I won," she says into Maura's neck.

"Congratulations."

"Maura?"

"mm."

"Take me home."

* * *

Naked. They are naked. Skin on skin on skin on skin and Maura has never been so lost for words in her life. She lies where Jane has pulled her, on top of the long slender frame from so many of her dreams, out of breath from the speed with which she's disrobed. She looks down at the woman underneath her and can't help the surge of affection and desire that sweeps through her body. She kisses Jane's jaw, pulling back to make sure that her actions are received well. Jane smiles with her eyes closed and arches up into her, slowly and deliberately, making Maura sigh.

Jane wraps her arms around Maura, pressing a kiss, both tentative and needy to her mouth. Like she's testing the waters. Maura can't help but let out a tiny moan, letting her hands wander up and down the smooth skin of Jane's sides.

"Jane," she pulls away as the other woman tries to deepen the kiss, and waits until she's opened her eyes. until they are looking at one another. "Honey, you don't have to do this because you think it's something I want," Maura says this even though her entire body is screaming with desire. Even though she's not sure she could physically obey if Jane told her to get off of her right now. "I want you to-"

But Jane shakes her head impatiently, and pulls Maura's lips to hers again, pulling her body down as well, so that they are flush against each other, navel to navel, making Maura gasp and groan and squirm against Jane, trying to fit her like a puzzle.

She trails kisses down the detective's throat, to her clavicle and around to her shoulder. Jane's fingers knot in Maura's hair and she arches her back, offering more of herself. Maura acquiesces immediately, Jane's soft whimpers and moans only serving to spur her onward. She lets her hands slide lower and lower, over the rib cage and the flat toned stomach...

Maura caresses the inside of Jane's thigh and feels her tense. She pulls back at once, already starting to feel guilty. "I'm sorry."

But Jane shakes her head again, catching Maura's hand and pushing it back towards her pelvic bone, her eyes shut tight as if steeling herself for something.

"No," Maura says, resisting. "Jane, I won't do this if-"  
But Jane's eyes open, and focus on Maura's, deep and passionate and full of want. "Please, Maura," her voice is quiet, shaking. "Please, take me away from him. I don't want to belong to him anymore, I want to belong to you. _Please," _Jane bites the edge of her lip not looking away from Maura's face, her dark eyes intense, begging, open and vulnerable. "_make me yours." _

Maura obeys at once, with a desperate moan, two of her fingers slipping inside Jane easily. "Oh God," Maura could not have imagined this sensation in a million years, and Lord knows she's tried. "Oh, God _Jane,_" she presses her own desperate need against Jane's leg, finding a rhythm that suits them both.

"Maura," Jane's voice is strained, and she clutches at the blonde's back, feeling her fingernails break skin. "Oh," she tries to say sorry, but all that comes out is an elongated moan.

"It's okay, pretty girl, you can let go." Maura's voice seems to be coming from a long way off, as Jane's climax builds and builds.

"Maur," Jane forces her eyes open, has to find Maura's face before she knows it's okay.

Maura doesn't look away, she leans in, curling her fingers inside Jane as she presses her forehead to brunette's. "You're _safe_," she whispers. "You're _mine_ and you're safe. Janie, sweetheart...you're safe, It's okay...let go."

And she does, Maura right behind her, she feels Jane go rigid and then slack in her arms, but she doesn't let go, following the slim form as it collapses underneath her.

She feels Jane heaving, working to regain control of her breathing, and she moves to press a kiss to the detective's sweaty temple. Already her breathing is slowing, her muscles relaxing.

"Maur," she struggles out, fighting unconsciousness. "I love..."

"Shhh," Maura says, feeling Jane surrender, "I love you too."

For the first time in a week. Jane does not dream.

* * *

**okay so...whatchu think? I couldn't do boogie man in one go, because theres no way that it would affect our duo that minimally, especially the way I've written them thus far. **

**Jobee and the others that asked Constance and Jane will get to have words...oh yes. :)**

**rebelliousflower, thanks for reading! I haven't seen your shiny handle around my reviews! hope you'll keep coming back. lisahomeandaway i'm so glad you're enjoying. **

**cheree and fallen austin you brought a little tear to my eye. I'm so glad you're all enjoying. **

**We're gonna be doing updates at about 12 hour intervals as long as I can sustain them, so...hope you'll keep comin' back!**

**happy reading**

**t.c.**


	30. Chapter 30

If Maura hadn't been stuck at the morgue late, she would have been able to leave with Jane and she would have been able to dial 911. If she hadn't dragged her feet when Korsak had called her up to the bullpen to look at something, she would have discovered Emily Stern's plan much faster. If she had been looking, really _looking_ at the photo strip she'd stolen from Frankie, she would have make the connection. If…if…if.

"Shots fired at 137 Parker Street. All available units respond."

In the back of the police cruiser, Maura's eyes open wide, meeting Frost's in the rearview mirror.

"Vince," she says urgently, but he's already reaching for the switch to flip the siren.

If she'd just told Jane she'd loved her before she'd left. If she'd kept her up later last night. If she'd told her that she wanted to go out to dinner, that dinner with Frankie's new girlfriend wasn't going to work. If she'd just…If she'd…

They're the second car on the scene, and a steady stream of people are filing out of Jane's apartment building. Maura and Frost barely wait for the car to come to a complete stop before they are pushing open the doors and stepping onto the street.

"Rosario!" Frost is calling to a young officer who is waving people past the police tape being set up. He turns and his eyes flicker across Frost, Maura right behind him, and he seems to connect something.

"Oh, yeah, this is Rizzoli's building, isn't it?" His tone is conversational, as though he's discussing the weather or something. "I haven't seen her come out. Shots came from the fourth floor, the back, is that her?"

Maura lets out a tiny little moan, her brain on overdrive, thinking of all the insignificant, tangential little ways she could have changed the outcome of this night.

"You know we gotta clear the building before we go in, Frost, it's protocol."

"Fuck protocol, you asshole, if Rizzoli's shot in there, I'm going to have your ass," Frost yells, and he takes Maura's arm, pulling her past the people streaming in the other direction. It's like swimming upstream.

* * *

_"Yes, Frankie, I totally won, and you owe me 17 beers…" _

_Maura smiles at Jane's voice as she wanders down the hall towards the kitchen. It sounds full and rich and lively for the first time in a while. _

_"You did not let me win, you asshole. You did all you could to stop me…" Jane pauses, listening to what her brother is saying on the end of the phone. _

_"Yeah…no she's still asleep." Maura pauses in the hallway, out of sight, as the conversation turns to her. She is aware that she is eavesdropping. That she should alert her girlfriend of her presence, but she can't resist the temptation of hearing Jane speak about her, unguarded. She feels her stomach twist with nerves as Jane sighs deeply. _

_"I don't know, Frankie." She says, tiredly, and Maura holds her breath, immediately rethinking her decision. What if she says something horrible?_

_"I love her so much. I could just sit next to her for days…but…No! I just think, Hi, you've been back for six months, will you live with me? Is like the definition of a cold open." _

_Maura stands shell shocked in the hallway, her brain refusing to move forward. _

_"Look, I gotta go, I'm making her brunch, so…" Jane laughs, full and easy and Maura knows she wants to wake up hearing that laugh for the rest of her life. "God, you're such an asshole. I am not going to poison her…yes….yes, I will see you tonight. Bye, brother." _

_Maura tries to collect herself, to make it look like she heard nothing, before walking around the corner._

* * *

Maura knows immediately that Emily Stern is dead. She doesn't have to take a pulse or even touch the corpse, which is good, because the visceral hatred she feels towards Emily's body makes her shiver with the effort of suppressing it.

Her eye's sweep the room, floor first, looking for more casualties, feeling a build-up in her chest as she remembers the call on the radio. _Shots fired. Plural._ **_Jane_**_._

But before she can look up, two strong arms are around her, pulling her close, long thin fingers wrapping around her shoulders, gliding up into her hair.

"Jane," She says against the taller woman's collar bone. Feeling her own arms react of their own volition, pulling at the detectives hips until every possible part of their bodies is touching. She wants to stay like that forever, drinking in Jane Rizzoli and reassuring herself that her world is still intact. That the woman she loves is still breathing next to her.

But Jane pulls away, finding Maura's eyes with her own, "Maura, I'm okay. I'm not hurt. But Frankie shot her," She speaks slowly, as if she knows that Maura's brain is sluggishly trying to catch up. "Frankie shot Emily," she says again, and the words sink in, "I need to go back to him." Jane squeezes Maura's shoulders, "Maura, I need to go back and be with Frankie."

Maura realizes that Jane is asking her permission to leave her for a moment, and that she came out here not only because she needed comfort, but because she knew Maura would need to feel her. The realization seems to wake Maura up out of whatever trance she's in. She lets her fingers linger on Jane's jaw for a moment, trying to tell her in a touch how wonderful it makes her feel to be so understood.

"Go," Maura says, feeling stronger. She moves towards Emily Stern's body, "I'm alright, now. Take care of your brother."

With a swift kiss to Maura's knuckles, Jane turns and strides away, back into her study, where Frankie is sitting, still in shock.

Frost enters the bed room, takes one look at Emily Stern and starts to gag.

"trash can…_Trash can!"_ Maura says without looking up, pointing to the corner.

* * *

_"Why didn't you come onto the court?" _

_"What?" _

_Maura traces her hand over the bright yellow cast now encasing her arm. "When I fell. Why didn't you come onto the court?" _

_"Your team trainer looked like he had it all under control, sweetheart. I would have just been another set of useless arms." _

_"You could have held my hand." Maura mumbles, unsure whether it's the pain medication or the stress of the day that's making her so forthcoming. _

_Constance looks a little disconcerted, "I was unaware that 7__th__ graders still needed their mothers to hold their hands."_

_Maura looks out the window at the winding Venice streets. _

_"I'm hungry." She says, meaning, I'm tired, meaning I'm lonely, meaning, read me a bedtime story. _

_"Let's go get some ice cream," Constance says brightly. _

_Maura hates ice cream._

* * *

Maura hears Angela Rizzoli coming minutes before she actually sets foot in the apartment. Her yells, both panicked and angry for her oldest child echo down the empty hallway, ricocheting off the light fixtures in the hallway, threatening to shatter windows.

"Oh, Crap," Frost says, looking up.

"What?" Maura says, placing the last of her petri dishes into her bag.

"Angela's here. And she never hesitates to go after-"

But Frost doesn't get to finish as Angela hips a lab technician in the doorway out of her path, and bursts into the living room. "JANE!" She sees Maura, and then Barry and her eyes widen.

"Mrs. Rizzoli, it's alright," Frost cuts her oncoming yell off. "Your children are fine. Jane and Frankie are in her study. Frankie's still a little shaken up from the shooting and…"  
But Maura can tell by Angela's rapidly whitening face, that she is hearing details that she was previously unaware of.

"Angela," Maura starts, but before she can say anything else, Angela has pushed passed Frost and bustled into the study.

Frost looks bewilderedly at Maura, who shakes her head, following Angela into the den.

"It's bad enough you put yourself in danger every day, but you have to drag your brother into all of this. I honestly don't know how am expected to sleep."

Maura understands Frost's comment now, as she steps into the study. Angela is going after Jane, her terror and her love manifesting themselves as anger and frustration. Jane and Frankie sit side by side on the couch, heads bent. Frankie has his head in his hand and his other hand on his sister's knee. Jane's hand is on the back of his neck, a gesture of both comfort and protection. They look sideways at each other, as their mother's rage breaks over them, and Maura sees Jane's hand contract on her brother's neck.

_It's okay._ She mouths.

Neither is engaging with their mother, they simply let her rant. The only thing giving away Jane's emotion is a muscle jumping in her tightened jaw. Maura sees them as children for a moment, together against everybody else, even their demanding, loving, over protective mother, and she understands why Frankie called her that winter to come home. Understands why Jane is not standing up for herself, or deflecting blame anywhere else. Understands what this family is.

Jane looks up and her fierce brown eyes meet Maura's green ones.

And Maura knows.

Families go to bat for each other.

"-And you drag that Hoyt monster into our lives…" Angela is saying, but she doesn't get any farther because Maura reaches out without thinking, grabbing their mother by her arm and dragging her out into the hall.

* * *

_"I'm glad that this past year seems to have settled you, Maura. I know that it's been hard at times. and that there were many struggles that you had to overcome. But I am glad that you've seemed to come around these past few months. And Garrett will make you a very practical husband."_

_"I heard him ask you for your blessing," Maura says quietly. "I was just in the other room. He said he thought I was smart choice." _

_"You are." _

_"He mentioned nothing about love, or commitment. Or desire." _

_"Desire?" Constance's eyebrows shoot up. "I'm assuming all of that was implied." _

_"you didn't ask him." _

_"I didn't see the need. He is a very smart choice for you, as well." _

* * *

"Angela. I know you are hurting. I know you are terrified. I thought I would stop breathing when I heard the call on the radio." Maura's voice is low and ferocious. Angela looks taken aback. "But you need to take a moment and think about what you are doing to your children by blaming Jane for this, even if it's just for the moment."

Angela's eyes get a little teary, and Maura grips her arm. "My mother was the opposite of you. She never raised her voice. She never once yelled at me. I never really knew if she cared.

"You are a wonderful mother, and your children definitely know you care…but you have to show them that love differently now. You just _have _to."

Maura tries to read the emotions in the older woman's face, but her efforts are hampered by her own fear that she's said the wrong thing.

"Frankie…" Angela says finally, quietly.

"I know," Maura sucks in a breath, "He's my brother too."

Angela's eyes widen, and the tears that have been threatening roll down her cheeks as she pulls Maura into a bone crushing hug.

And Maura finally understands. _This_ is her family.

* * *

**aww, you guys and your worry. I'm fine. this my frequent updates are my insomnia's gift to you! and, i'm also sort of worried that when Nov. 27th rolls around, there will be way more interesting things to look at in your free time..amirite? :) so I'm looking to get it out there by then.**

**detectivecroft! thanks for the review. hope it's not your last! cstarj: you're reading my mind ;) t's: thank you! hopefully they'll be two more for you by this evening. thanks for your consistent love. **

**fallen austin *raises hands above head and closes eyes, grinning* you don't even know.**

**the love in the reviews. the love in this story. I can't even tell you guys what it means. **

**now that they've solve the family issue...let's add some Tommy, shall we?**

**happy reading. **

**t.c.**


	31. Chapter 31

_"Once upon a time there was a big strong knight. But...I can't really remember his name...Do you remember his name?" _

_"Tommy!"_

_"You're right! The knights name was Tommy. Sir Tommy. And he worked for the best and noblest King in the entire land. Do you know what his name was?"_

_"King Frank!" _

_"Definitely. Sir Tommy worked for the best King in the land-"_

_"The ooniverse." _

_"Okay. In the universe. And there was nothing that the King asked of Sir Tommy, that the brave knight couldn't do. What are some of the things you can do T?"_

_"brush my teeth, ties my own shoes, make cookies if ma helps..." _

_"And whenever the King asked Tommy to do one of these noble deeds, Sir Tommy would always reply:" _

_"YES YOUR MAJESTY!"_

_"But one day, the King called sir Tommy to him, and he said, 'Brave knight. I have a dangerous quest for you. Will you accept it? And sir Tommy puffed out his chest and said:"_

_"Anything, your majesty."_

_"I need you to rescue the princess, brave Tommy. the princess:"  
"Jay Jay...that's you Janie. I'm gonna rescue you...k? Don't worry." _

* * *

Maura pulls Jane's hand apart for about the hundredth time, leaning in to press a kiss the nervous woman's nose. "Stop fidgeting, honey, they will grant him parole or the won't."

Jane shoots Maura a dirty look, which turns to trepidation almost immediately. "It's the second part of that sentence that I'm worried about," she says quietly, "and the first part." she adds after a second.

"So...both parts then," Maura says, confused, reaching to tug Jane's hands apart again, and this time she places both of the detective's hands around her waist, and puts her arms around Jane's neck. the brunette stares down at her, half cranky, half resigned, and her face struggles through several emotions.

"Tell me," Maura says quietly.

"He hates me," Jane says, pulling away from Maura's arms and turning away, towards the stack of laundry she'd been folding before the conversation had started. "He blames me for why he went to prison, and he hates that I'm..." she gestures in between them.

Maura tilts her head, thinking.

"He's had almost eight years to come around," she says, and Jane shrugs irritably.

"Or eight years to bulk up and think about how much he wants to snap my neck."  
Maura chuckles, before looking up and seeing that Jane is not really joking.

"Jane."

"Maura, you didn't see Tommy in his teens. He got tattoos. He ran around with some kids who I'm pretty sure where neo nazis. He _beat up_ a woman because she wouldn't let go of her hand bag."

"72% of violent muggings are the result of the victim defying their assailant in some way,"

Jane stares at her, dumbfounded, and she puts her hands out apologetically. "I'm not defending him," she says reading Jane's face. "It's just a fact."

"It sounds like a defense."

Maura sighs, "Jane, you owe it to him to at least see if he's changed."

Jane sits heavily on the couch. reaching for a pile of laundry.

"I'm not sure I could stand it if he hasn't," she mutters.

* * *

_"So Sir Tommy rode off on his trusty horse, galloping away as fast as he could, for he didn't want to waste one second looking for the princess. And the first place he went was..." _

_"Umm...The playground." _

_"Oh, no! Thought Sir Tommy. The sinister slide and the malevolent monkey bars. How will I ever get through this and to the princess?"_

_"Does he do it?" _

_"Does he do it? Of course he does it! He runs up the steps of the sinister slide, and isn't even afraid of how high and winding they are. and he slides all the way to the bottom with a giggle. a giggle! And even though he slips on those meanie monkey bars once, he doesn't fall into the lava below."_

_"I was at the playground yesterday, and Shane said that the stuff below the monkey bars is just rocks and gravels. What's a gravels, Jay?" _

_"Just tinier rocks." _

_"Is it just tinier rocks and gravels under there?" _

_"What do you think?" _

_"...I think maybe its gravels to a person who doesn't see the right way, maybe. And sometimes I can make myself see that way...but usually it's lava." _

_"Good boy... Where does Sir Tommy go next?" _

_"Does Sir Tommy's parents fight, Jay?"_

_"Yeah, buddy. Sometimes." _

_"Can he go on a quest to fix them?" _

_"No. That's not his job, to fix them. okay?"_

_"Okay."_

_"You want me to keep going?" _

_"Skip to the part where he saves the princess." _

_"You got it." _

* * *

"If the judge lets him out, where is he going to live?" Jane and Maura have been folding laundry in silence for a while, and it takes Maura a moment to find the context.

"Your mother?"

Jane laughs, "He may be a different person, Maur, but he's not lobotomized."

Maura smiles keeping her lips pressed together, holding in the factoids that come to mind about lobotomies. She presses her hands to her knees.  
Jane glances at her, and her face softens. "If you tell me about lobotomies, Maur, I won't accuse you of defending him," she says gently.

"They're just a very antiquated practice," Maura says a little grumpily. "used only when the patient is a harm to himself or others and has no hope of being rehabilitated otherwise." Maura considers one of Jane's t-shirts. "They're quite sad really, if fascinating from a scientific perspective." She looks up at Jane who is looking back at her, smile playing at the corners of her mouth.

"What?" Maura asks.

"Did I tell you today?"

Maura flushes, "No."

Jane dives across the couch, pushing Maura backwards and knocking one of her piles to the floor.

"_Jane! _I just folded that," Maura says, but her voice holds no conviction as the detective snuggles in beside her. It's one of her favorite positions these days, whether they are watching TV, reading or sleeping, Maura feels more at ease when Jane is tucked into her side.

"I love you," Jane says into Maura's shoulder. "Are you sure I didn't say it today?"

"No," Maura says, kissing her girlfriend's forehead. "But you have said I hate you, twice, and you've also used the phrase, 'get bent,' which I still don't fully understand.

Jane giggles like a child. remembering how grumpy she was upon waking up to find no cream in the house. "Well. you should hear I love you in all of those. Especially the last one."

"Hate and love do historically have a very close and blurry relationship."

"Hush, googlemouth. I want to kiss you."

Maura smiles into Jane's lips, but pulls away after a second. "Jane?"

"yah."

Maura looks at their laundry, folded together into one big stack. Thinks of the extra dresser she had put in for Jane's things. Thinks of Jane's heinous instant coffee in her cabinet.

"I think I know where Tommy can live."

* * *

_"'Oh, princess Jay, I've been looking everywhere for you. I had to cross so many perilous lands to get to you but I never gave up.' Sir Tommy kneels down before the Princess and she pulls him into a great big hug because she is so happy to see him." _

_"He brings her back to the King."_

_"He does, on his noble steed. And the people of the palace feast all day on..." _

_"Peanut butter and fluff, apple pieces, gum and orange Fanta."_

_"How...specific."_

_"What's pacific." _

_"Exact. You know exactly what you want. You're very specific."_

_"Oh." _

_"Yeah...Okay, brother. sleep time." _

_"Jay? Are you gonna stay with me til I fall asleep?" _

_"No, buddy, that's why we got you this light. There's nothing that's gonna get you, though, okay?"_

_"Can I have captain crunch for breakfast?" _

_"I'll look and see if we have any, but it might be rice krispies." _

_"Ok... Jay?" _

_"What, T." _

_"Even though it's not Sir Tommy's job to go on a fixing quest. Can he still want ta? sortof?"_

_"Yeah...that's normal." _

_"okay." _

_"Night buddy. See you soon." _

* * *

The court room is stuffy and smells like old soup. They sit, Angela, Jane, Maura, Frankie, Barry, in the front row, waiting for the judge to call Tommy's case.

Maura feels her nerves start to get the better of her and glances at Jane. the detectives face is completely unreadable, and Maura knows that no matter what the result of this day is, No one is going to see a ripple of turmoil on her face. Jane catches Maura's eye and grins, almost convincingly. Maura takes her hand.

Next to her, on the other side, Frankie's knee is bouncing up and down at a faster and faster pace. Maura puts her free hand on his knee, returning his nervous smile with what she hopes is a reassuring one of her own.

The door on the side of the room opens and they pull Tommy in.

Maura stifles a gasp.

He's tall and lanky, just like his sister. His jaw is set and his face is hard, like he would rather die than show anyone anything.

Just like his sister.

"The honorable Judge Fontano. All rise."

Maura watches the judge look over the top of her glasses at Tommy.

"Thomas Angelo Rizzoli. You were sentenced to seven to ten years for armed robbery and assault with a deadly weapon, is that correct?"

"Yes Ma'am," Tommy's voice is deep and rough, perpetually hoarse sounding. Maura feels her heart ache a little.

"You have since served Seven years, eight months and seventeen days. I see while you were inside, you got your GED, as well as took some college classes."

"Yes Ma'am. And I did anger management classes. and Narcotics Anonymous, too. Ma'am."

"You've been in no fights, you've had no infractions. I see no reason to deny you parole. If there's someone here who will sponsor you."

Jane puts her hand out to stop her mother from standing. She stands up and faces the judge, and Tommy's eyes widen. He glances down the row, looking at each one of them, and his eyes linger for a little bit longer on Maura, as though he's trying to place her.

"I will be responsible for him, your honor."

Judge Fontano looks a little surprised. "Detective Rizzoli. You've made arrangements?"

"I have a one bedroom apartment on Parker Street, that," She glances at Maura, who nods encouragingly, "I won't be using anymore. Tommy can carry out the terms of his parole there."

The judge nods curtly, "And you accept the responsibility, along with the parole officer that I assign, of making sure this young man stays on the straight and narrow? And You'll show up for him if she should be called into court for any reason?"

Jane's eyes flicker for a moment, and Maura catches fear, and maybe a little pride, before the brunette turns from the judge to look her brother in the eye.

"I will always show up for my family."

* * *

_"Jay, will Sir Tommy ever go on a quest where the princess isn't waiting for him? d-doesn't want him?" _

_"No. Not ever. No matter what."_

* * *

_**350 reviews! You guys are amazing! completely amazing. I had to split Tommy up into two, so you get one tonight and one tomorrow afternoon. What do you think. Will he be completely changed? Do you want him to be? Do people really change?**_

**Socks-lost! thanks for the review. glad to know you're still enjoying. Hey Shannon! thanks for the review! ts, friendsfan, lisahomeandaway, you guys rock for your consistent and awesome review love. I can't even. **

**fallenaustin, if your hug didn't crack a rib-the happy gasp i let out when i read your comment probably did. in the middle of work, no less. you rock. **

**More tomorrow!**

**happy reading. **

**t.c.**


	32. Chapter 32

"You tried his real phone and the burner that his P.O. gave him?" Jane's ears are ringing like she's been at a rock concert. She tries to concentrate on the nervous face of her first youngest brother.

"Yeah, he didn't answer either."

Jane tugs at her fingers, feeling sick to her stomach. She tries to swallow past the familiar lump in her throat, and wishes, for the fiftieth time that day, that Tommy was still in prison. She then braces herself for the inevitable wave of guilt that this secret wish brings.

Frankie slaps his hand down on the kitchen table, "If he jumped, I'll kill him."

This thought has not occurred to Jane. While she believes that Tommy would blow off his first Rizzoli Sunday in eight years, she had not previously worried about him skipping town all together. This new fear makes her dizzy. Her vision blurs for a second.

Maura puts her hand on Jane's elbow, and she turns to look down into steadfast hazel eyes. "He'll be here, honey. He knows how much this means to your mother."

Jane rocks a little on her feet, trying to take her girlfriend's words to heart. "Does that outweigh his hatred for me?" she asks, not quite managing to keep the hurt out of her voice.

Maura gives her elbow a squeeze. "He doesn't hate you, Jane. You've barely said three words to each other in the past week."

Jane's face darkens slightly, "What was the first thing he asked when we showed him my apartment, Maur?"

Maura hesitates, and Jane raises her eyebrows. "I know you remember. You don't forget _anything. _What did he say?"

Maura bites her lip, looking hurt, and Jane kicks herself internally. She's been trying for the past seven days to control the anger and the fear, but she predictably ends up snapping at Maura, and although she knows the medical examiner understands, it still makes her feel bad.

But thinking about Tommy makes her feel physically ill.

Upon completing the mini tour of his new digs, Jane and Maura following nervously behind him, Tommy had shrugged casually and said, "Did she live here too?" gesturing at Maura.

Jane had clenched her fists, opening her mouth to make what Maura knew would be a sarcastic remark.

Maura had cut across her. "No."

Tommy had grunted noncommittally. "It'll do."

Jane tries to take a deep breath, but it's like there's a thorn in her side. "I'm sorry, Maura," she says, after a second. "I didn't mean..." And the blonde smiles, a real one, waving the apology away.

"I know."

Jane hears the front door click out in the foyer, and then her mother's voice floating down the hall. "Where are my four favorite people in the world?" She calls happily, and Jane closes her eyes. Trying to keep from vomiting. When she opens them, Maura and Frankie are looking at her. They stand there, like refugees hiding from an oddly sentient hurricane. Jane knows that she will have to be the one to tell her mother. The same way she had to tell her when Frankie fell of his bike and broke his ankle. She's the oldest, and it's her duty.

"Thomas? Frankie?" Jane sighs, noticing how her mother does not call out for her right away, and brushes past the other two into the hallway.

"Hey, Ma," she says, leaning into the hug that her mother bestows upon her, wanting to feel her mother's affection for a second longer before it turns to wrath.

"Hi, baby. It was so nice of Maura to have us all over here for Sunday dinner."

"It's my house too now, Ma," Jane says, and she can't help but smile at these words. Her mother pats her cheek.

"yes, yes…but still." She looks towards the living room. "Boys here?" She asks,

And Jane follows at a safe distance, "Frankie just got here…Tommy's…running a little late."

Angela pauses, but doesn't turn around. "But he's coming?"

Jane hears Maura behind her. Feels her snake her arm around her waist and squeeze. God, what would she do without that woman? "Yes," Jane says firmly, praying that it isn't a lie. That she won't have to pay for it later. "Yeah. He's on his way."

* * *

"Jane, can you come help me with something in the kitchen please?" Maura's voice is high pitched and wavering, and Jane stands at once, setting her beer down and glancing at Frankie, who shoots her an inquisitive look. She and her brother have been trying to distract Angela from Tommy's absence, but the task is nearly impossible.

"I'll be right back," she says, and hurries into the kitchen.

Maura is standing by the window, staring out at something, worried crease between her brows. Jane feels her chest tighten. "Maur?"

She doesn't answer, just points out the window, and Jane moves to stand by her. Looking too.

Tommy is sitting in the driveway. Just sitting, not moving.

Jane feels her breath catch. "How long has he been out there?"  
"I don't know, I only just noticed," Maura says quietly.

Jane sighs, "I'll go tell Ma," she says, but Maura holds her back, her hands taking Jane's gently.

"I think you should go, Jane." She says looking up at her.

"Maur," Jane rubs her hands together, feeling her fingers start to ache. They've gotten worse as the weather turns colder.

"Just talk to him, sweetheart. You can't keep walking around this tense. It's not good for your health." What she means, is it's not good for your hands. Jane loves her for the generalization.

Jane rolls her shoulders nervously. "I-I can't-" she says, hearing the waver in her voice. And to her credit, Maura doesn't scoff or dismiss her. She understands that it's only to her that Jane would admit to something so debasing as being afraid, and she accepts Jane's fear carefully. Without pity.

"I know. But you've got to find out sooner or later." Maura smiles, reaching up to tug one of Jane's dark curls, "I know you, Jane Rizzoli. More than you're afraid, you have to know."

Jane doesn't know whether to laugh or cry, so she makes a sound somewhere in the middle and leans down to kiss Maura.  
"What would I do without you?" She asks aloud, though it's the five hundredth time she's asked herself today.

Maura considers her. "You would probably die of rickets, the way you eat," she says seriously, pushing Jane gently towards the door.

* * *

"Tommy, what are you doing?"

The boy…man…she has to start thinking of him as a man, jumps to his feet at her voice and spins around. "Jesus, Janie. I didn't hear you coming."

Jane stares into her brother's face, familiar because she'd grown up with it, but also because it resembles hers so much. It's like looking in a backwards mirror. Her eyes, her mouth, her jaw line. On a boy.

Man.

"Why didn't you knock on the door like a normal human?" She asks, "Or, bust right on in like a Rizzoli?" she adds with a faint smile.

Tommy chuckles, but grows serious again, regarding her. "I didn't know if…you know…you were really serious when you told me to come."

Of all the answers Jane is expecting, this one is not even on the list. "What?"

"I didn't know if…Ma probably made you…and…I didn't want to…" he looks around, trying to find the words.

"Tommy, it's Rizzoli Sunday," Jane says grumpily. wishing that Maura could teach her how to be gentle and patient. Kind. "I know the last time you were present for one, you were fourteen or so, but…" Jane glances at her brother and away again, "You're still a Rizzoli."

"Yeah?" His voice is…hopeful, she realizes with a jolt, and it dawns on her that maybe the dread she's been carrying around all week has been on his shoulders too. She looks at him. Really looks at him, for the first time in almost a decade. Her baby brother who used to follow her everywhere. Who used to sneak out of his first grade class room to peek in the window of her eighth grade homeroom.

She sighs exasperatedly at the tears burning the backs of her eyes. "Jesus, Tommy, will you just get in the house? Frankie's done everything put finger puppets, trying to distract Ma."

Tommy laughs, deep and raspy in his chest. Like her. "okay, okay." He says, putting his hands up.

The house is warm and bright after the dim street lit side walk outside. When Tommy rounds the corner, Angela lets out a squeal of delight, and jumps up to embrace her youngest son, pulling back at the end to smack him across the shoulder.

"I thought you weren't coming!"

Maura beams at Jane from her spot on the couch.

"Aw, come on, Ma! You know what I missed the most when I was inside? Well, besides the ladies?"

He winks at Maura.

"Your cooking."

Jane smiles, moving to sit down next to Maura, pausing as her phone buzzes. Out in the kitchen she hears Maura's phone slide along the countertop, buzzing as well.

"No. Jane Clementine Rizzoli, I forbid you to take a case right now. It's our first Rizzoli Sunday as a real family."

Jane puts her hand up, trying to quiet her mother, "Rizzoli."

Maura stands, moving towards the kitchen, and her cell phone.

"Boooooo," Frankie yells, joined quickly by Angela, and then…to everyone's surprise, Tommy.

Maura starts to slip past Jane, but at the words on the other end, she reaches out and grabs the smaller woman's wrist. Maura turns to look at her, eyes wide in question.

Frankie falls silent at the look on her face, and she knows she must look like a ghost. She feels like one.

"They're with me sir," she says quickly, and then, "Yes sir. Five minutes, sir."

She puts her phone on her belt without really feeling her fingers.

"Jane?" Maura grips her arm. "What is it?"

"That was Cavenaugh."

Jane's mouth feels dry.

"We've got a cop shot."

* * *

**Aw SNAP. we're about to be into When the Gun Goes Bang Bang Bang. I would love to hear your thoughts on how you'd like to see it done. At last count, I had five different drafts of how it's going to go down. Like my other chapters that revolve around cases, I want to try really hard to not just repeat what happened. Feel free to PM me or Review your thoughts and ideas. like always. A lot of times, I tweak my stories based on your reviews, and they wind up so much better.**

**I hope you like the beginning of the Tommy I painted. He's definitely changed...but if you look closely, there's still some...worrying things, maybe. I can't wait until he aint heavy, you guys!**

**Fergz! welcome! thank you! hope you keep enjoying! Jobee just the fact that you are taking time out to review when you have a two year old (grumpy or otherwise) makes me very, very happy! Atufreddie: so nice! so nice!**

**fallenaustin I'm glad you said you liked Maura's googletalk. I myself am googledumb, so I always think those come off forced. haha. thank you for your review. i'm still not sure you know what it means to me. **

**32 chapters, and you guys are still goin strong! it's great!**

**happy reading**

**t.c.**


	33. Preface for Chapter 33

the next chapter is when the gun goes bang bang bang. it also pulls we need another hero in with it. I'm putting the author's note here, because it needs to stand alone. you can read this now or you can read the chapter and come back if you have questions and want to see if i answered them.

ultimately i decided that, while Maura may indeed need to get hurt/threatened for Jane to act so drastically. Maura getting severely hurt is just not something that Jane (the Jane I've written and envision) would let happen.

this is a maura centric story. and I thought the show did a really bad job of following up on how she was feeling when Jane got shot, and all that that entailed. In this chapter, Jane heals quickly. Maura spirals.

It may be a little confusing, and with Fan fiction's limited tools I couldn't really format it the way I wanted, but I hope you can understand it alright.

I put...a TON into this chapter, as this episode is one of my favorites, and I think the timeframe is pivotal for my story. I would love to know what you think, PM or review.

More than any other chapter, I am terrified to put it out there. But you guys have been so supportive! I truly hope you'll continue to share your thoughts.

okay. enough rambling.

When the Gun goes Bang Bang Bang.


	34. Chapter 33

A hand on her back. flat against her spine. pushing hard, keeping her down. under the line of Marino's gun

_Don't do anything crazy, don't leave me, Oh, God, not now that I know what it's like. Being with you. I could never give it up. _

She can't really hear the things that Jane is saying to Marino. Her ears have stopped working because listening isn't important.

She feels the walkie under her morgue table. She presses it gently with her foot, praying that Frost or Korsak or anyone can hear her.

She goes to stand upright, but she can't. That long fingered hand...so strong.

pressing her down.

**_Marino aims the gun at Maura, "Who should I kill first, Janie?" He has her around the throat, and Maura wills Jane to keep still so that he doesn't put more force on her trachea that he already is. _**

**_"Your brother looks like he's about dead already, so why don't I shoot your beautiful girlfriend? You can watch her bleed out before I kill you, too," _**

**_Jane's scream is heart rending. It might literally have caused a rip in Maura's heart. She puts her hands out. "Listen." _**

**_But Marino cocks his gun. Listening is over. _**

Later. at home, she spins around and around in the mirror.

She can't reach that part of her back fully, and she knows that if she could just touch where Jane's hand was...

She cranes around in the mirror one more time, naked, sure that if she could just find the right angle, she will see Jane's hand print, still hot and red, like a brand new burn.

_**In that moment, a split second before Maura cringes away, not one second before Marino pulls the trigger, Maura sees Jane's face. Her eyes are wide. Wild. Terrified. **_

_**the bang of the gun and Jane's second scream could be the same thing. They travel at the same speed towards her, as she covers her head with her hands. As her logical brain scoffs at her for trying to stop a bullet with her fingers. **_

_**She feels a stinging on the outside of her left shoulder, and crumples to the ground, more shocked at the way the wound begins to burn so suddenly, than she is hurt. **_

_**"NO! Nooo." Jane's screaming her name over and over and over, and Maura tries to move so that she can assure Jane that she's fine. That it's just a graze, but by the time she steadies herself enough to move, to sit up, Marino is dragging her away. "Maura, No. Maura!" Jane's voice fades down the hall, and although Maura moves to follow her, the world spins a little, and she clutches her hand to her shoulder, surprised by how red and warm and sticky it is when she pulls it away. **_

* * *

Two months. Four. Five.

And she finds Jane back at work, awed officers stepping aside for her in the cafeteria, their eyes following her in and out of the precinct. She gets letter after letter from men and women of all ages. She stacks them aside on her desk, skimming them as they come in.

"You're a hero," Maura says, her voice catching.

Jane's eyes survey her, dark and searching. "eight people are dead."

"You're not one of them," she says, although at night Maura dreams that she is.

She finds she can't hold a scalpel.

Her hands shake during the incisions.

Her vision blurs.

Jane heals well and quickly.

Maura deteriorates.

_(Jane's eyes closing against the pain. Jane's hands reaching out for her as she falls. _

_Maura not being able to reach her before she hits the steps.)_

* * *

"You shouldn't have gone to that reception. They could have sent you that medal."

"No one knew that explosion was going to happen, Maur."

"If you'd been able to, you would have tried to pull her out of there. You would have headed towards that car, and tried to save her. Even though it was ON FIRE."

"Abby deserved-"

"ABBY WAS DEAD, JANE. SHE WAS DEAD THE MOMENT THE BOMB WENT OFF."

"Maura-"

"IT'S ONLY YOU WHO CAN SURVIVE THINGS THAT NO ONE SHOULD BE ABLE TO SURVIVE. YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WITH THAT AMAZING ABILITY."

Jane holds her arms out wide. in just her tank top and dress pants, as if to say, _I'm right here._

Maura has just gotten home from the crime scene and she smells like soot, and sweat, and blood. She wants to get into the shower, wants to fall into bed. She does not know where this fight has come from.

"Sweetheart," Jane says, but Maura turns away from her.

"I'm tired, Jane. I want to go to bed."

She doesn't know when showering becomes crying becomes sitting on the floor of the tub and sobbing so hard that her ribs ache. She doesn't know when Jane comes, or how she gets dry. Jane is careful with her like she's never been with herself, showing a protectivity over the Medical Examiner's body that doesn't extend to her own. Jane can throw her body in front of bullets and knives and scalpels, but when it comes to the Doctor, she treats her with such attention. Maura wants to scream but she can't find her voice. her eyes feel heavy, so she doesn't open them. She let's Jane half carry her to their bed, towel her hair.

So gentle.

Anger burns inside Maura until she's shaking.

* * *

As soon as Marino drags Jane away from her, around the corner and out of sight, the SWAT team bursts in the back door of the Morgue.

"They went that way!" she says, and then she pulls herself up on the morgue table, grasping Frankie's hand. His eye lids flutter. "it's okay. They're gonna get her back," she says to the semi conscious man on her table. "It's okay."

* * *

Frank comes to the hospital. It's been nine days, and Jane is not off the ventilator. Nine days and Maura feels herself sinking with each hour that creeps by. She is a doctor, and she knows how the odds of Jane waking up diminish with every day that she doesn't breathe on her own. She thinks of Jane's medical chart, of the three minutes that the detective's brain had no oxygen, and her mind is immediately doing the math on brain damage, amnesia, motor control.

She feels Frankie tense next to her and when she looks up, Frank Sr. is striding towards her. His long, confident gait makes Maura tear up. It's Jane's.

"What do you want Frank?" Angela's voice is exhausted.

"It's eight days before anyone tells me that my daughter is in a coma? I have to read about some brave cop sacrificing herself on the news?"

Frankie stands up, taller than his father now, and bulkier. "Yeah, like you fucking cared about her any other time...sorry Maura," he adds for his mouth.

She was thinking the same thing.

**_"Maura, honey, look at me. Can you see me, baby?" Jane is swimming in front of her like a funhouse mirror. _**

**_"You're supposed to be at work. You're all better and you're supposed to be back and saving the world again." _**

**_"Maura," _**

**_"Shut up. You're dead. Dead people can't speak. Sometimes, immediately after death, the voice box does make a sound as air is expelled, but-" _**

**_"Maura, I need you. I need you to come back to me. I need you to let me help you. Let anyone help you. Please." _**

**_"Jane." Maura lets the woman wrap her up and put her on the couch, take her to bed, prop her up in the kitchen and see if she will eat something. _**

Frank glances at her, and then focuses his attention on his oldest son. "I've never stopped caring about your sister. Always hoped that she would see the light and embrace a healthy lifestyle."

"Frank, Jane's life is no body's business but her own," Angela says.  
Maura puts her hand on Frankie's shoulder, pulling him back from his father.

"It's God's business too. See what He's done to her because of her wicked," But Frankie pulls away from Maura and punches his father square in the jaw.

"You fucking bastard," He yells, as Tommy runs down the hall from the vending machine to intervene.

Maura looks at Angela, seeing her own pride at Frankie's actions reflected in the older woman's face.

"Get out of here," Tommy says, his arm on his brother's shoulder. "Don't you talk about Jane like that. Show some respect."

Frankie looks at Tommy, shocked. But happy. The brothers clasp hands.

_Oh, Jane. _Maura thinks, suddenly feeling empty. _You have to wake up._

* * *

Frost comes. Maybe in real life. Maybe in her nightmare. This is not long after she's stopped working. Not long after Jane gets the Medical Board to give Maura a leave. Frost comes and he takes her out, and she doesn't eat, and he brings her home. And Maura knows that he has only done this because Jane is dead. Even at his coaxing, she won't come out of the car. Won't go into the house where Jane is a ghost. She looks away from his gentle, honey colored eyes because they remind her of Jane's.

Even when Jane's ghost comes out and wraps her arms around Maura, holding tight because she is trembling, trembling always, she does not want to go inside.

_NO NO you can't take me in there, Jane is dead I'm not going back in there. _

She beats at the long tapered back (Jane? No. wake up, you idiot.) and curses how everything reminds her, looks like, molds into Jane.

(Jane?)

Even when she is settled in her arm chair, curled in Jane's lap like a child, even when she understands that Jane is there - did not die - she cannot stop trembling.

Jane pulls her fingers through Maura's sweaty blonde hair and whispers endlessly. Stories about when she was young that Maura only half listens to. Promises of how much she loves the medical examiner, and how she will always fight for her. to come back to her. Maura listens to these carefully, trying to find the flaws. the parts where she can point out that her beautiful detective is a liar.

"The case, at work is really difficult," Jane says some days.

or

"Nothing much happened today except Pike lost a piece of evidence for Robecker's case. I thought he was gonna knock Pike out."

Maura says nothing except,

"Don't let him sit in my chair."

Jane runs her hand over the back of Maura's neck. This is one of the times when she is desperate to feel Jane close, and she leans into it like a cat. Maybe she is purring.

"I love you, Dr. Isles," Jane whispers, wrapping her arms around Maura's shoulders. Maura would have thought there were no more tears left in her, but more leak out. She shuts her eyes against them.

* * *

"YOU DIED JANE! YOU KILLED YOURSELF."

"I wanted them to get to you. They weren't going to move until Marino was down. The only way to take him down was to-"

"KILL YOURSELF?"

"I thought he'd shot you. You didn't move. He pulled me away and I couldn't see you. I thought you were-"

"SO YOUR ANSWER IS TO KILL YOURSELF." Maura has never yelled before this. she stands in front of the detective, her hands shaking. She points at Jane. "I held your hand. I felt your heart. stop. I watched your eyes...I watched them try to resuscitate you for three minutes. THREE MINUTES, Jane."  
"Honey, I'm so sorry. How do I-"

"You don't. Just...Don't"

* * *

They fuck. That's what Maura calls it in her head, and once, as her orgasm washes over her, she grunts it out, deep and gutteral, and pulled from her like someone might pull hair from their throat.

_oh, fuuck. _

Jane pauses over her, bending, asking if she's okay, but Maura wraps her hands in Jane's hair, pulling her over onto the bed, so that she is on top. So that she is in control.

_Maura,_ Jane says, and her voice is startled, and...hesitant.

Maura hates her.

She _hates._

Hates Jane for not thinking that she's strong enough for this.

"Don't you want me?" her face is close to Jane's their foreheads almost touching. Jane nods, her eyes searching Maura's face, and the blonde knows she's deciding to let this happen. That she's physically strong enough to stop it, if she wants to. Anger rears inside Maura again.

Bending down she finds Jane underneath her and thrusts inside. Jane cries out, arching up towards her, and Maura wants to be closer, wants more of their bodies touching. but she slides her other hand down Jane's side, and her fingers graze over it, and she pulls away, choking with sobs. She swats Jane's hands away, reaching for her t-shirt, pulling it over her head before she realizes it is Jane's. That it smells like her. That she has wrapped herself in Jane's clothing like a widow who sleeps surrounded by her husband's suits, and she rips it trying to get it off. She stumbles out of bed while Jane struggles to follow her.

She's coming apart.

* * *

She sits on the floor of the bathroom, back against the door.

Jane sits on the other side, singing to her softly through the couple inches of wood.

* * *

_"What would you do if you couldn't be a detective?" _

_They're in bed and Jane is tucked against Maura, drawing lazy circles on her stomach. It's a saturday. the first weekend that they are living together. _

_Jane thinks for a long enough time that Maura thinks maybe she has forgotten the question. _

_"We had a kidnapping once. I got the case because they thought the kid had been murdered. A pedophile had just been released from the prison and the kid missing was just his type." _

_Maura stays silent, waiting for the answer to her question. Loving the moments when Jane opens up voluntarily. _

_"So the 24 hours go by, and she's nowhere. Then 48, 72. nothing. and every cop wants to call it in. We're definitely looking for a body now, right?" _

_Maura nods. She knows the statistics. _

...She finds the letter while Jane is away questioning a suspect. _This letter serves as my two week notice of my resignation from the Boston Police Department...Cannot justify keeping a profession at the cost of my family. _

Maura stares at the words without processing them. She skims down the page to find Jane's signature, confident and sharp.

Maura looks at the top. The date is that morning...

_"And I just had this...feeling. about the beach house of this guy that had just been released. He's got a place up in Cape Cod, and he hadn't mentioned it in our preliminary, and, so I drove up there. and I'm knocking and knocking trying to figure out how I can get in there. And I look in the window, and there's this little face. Just...looking out at me." _

_"You got her?" _

_"She climbed out the window, I brought her home. Handing her to her mother...Handing her over smiling and crying, and not having to pull that shade back and watch her..." Jane swallows her tears and smiles at Maura. A bashful smile. A hopeful one._

_"So..." Maura thinks._

_"It's like loving you Maur," Jane says, hiding her face in the covers, one smiling eye peeking out. "I don't know how else to be."_

* * *

Maura washes her hair. As her hands massage out the suds, she thinks about Jane, running her hands through it on several occasions over the past couple of months. Jane, hoisting her up off floor after floor after floor.

Jane. willing to quit who she is. And just be with Maura.

She dresses. Not yoga pants or t-shirts or sweats and socks with little rubber grips on the bottom, but really dresses, checking herself in the mirror. She's lost weight. She fingers the scar on her upper arm, where it slopes up into her shoulder.

For a moment, she hears Jane's screaming and the world gets foggy.

But she blinks, and the feeling passes.

She gets her coat. keys. purse.

She opens the front door.

* * *

"Dr. Isles, It's good to see you up on your feet" a man in an army suit is leaving as she enters the bullpen. She recognizes him vaguely from a visit to the house. He's been helping Jane. "You got a keeper there," he says, when she smiles at him, and gestures to where Jane is looking at a card drawn by a child.

"You solved the case?" Maura asks, though she couldn't tell him what the case is about if he asked.

"Detective Rizzoli did. Hell of a way to end her career," He says respectfully, before giving her a little bow and heading towards the elevators.

Maura looks at the woman sitting at her desk. Her brown eyes looking at nothing.

"Jane."

She starts, looking a little panicked when she sees the doctor. "Maura? Are you okay? When did you get here? Are you okay?"

Jane approaches her quickly, but slows down when she gets closer, trying to gauge whether or not Maura wants her to come any closer. She watches the detective as she takes in her outfit, her hair.

"You're..."

"A little better dressed than I have been," Maura says, trying a smile. The muscles feel out of practice. "You won."

Jane nods, moving a little closer. Her eyes are everywhere, inspecting every inch of her girlfriend. Maura tries a smile again. She holds out her hand, and Jane takes it without question.

"You can't leave this place, Jane," Maura says, and Jane tenses.

"Maura." now she locks her eyes on the doctor's face, "These past couple months...I'm not..." She runs a hand through her hair. "I want you to feel safe with me. I want you to know that you are my top...everything, Maura." Jane runs her hand up the smaller woman's arm, watching her for resistance. "You are my everything." Jane looks at Maura, and Maura realizes that she's serious. She's going to leave Homicide. "I'll get something safer," she says.

Maura sighs, moving forward to put her head on Jane's shoulder. "I want to go home."

"Of course."

"I don't want you to shoot yourself ever again."

"Never."

"I don't want you to quit."

Jane hesitates, wrapping her arms around Maura. "baby,"

"_Jane._ I don't want you to quit."

Jane slips her hand into the small of Maura's back, and Maura knows that's where she wants it. Always. And it no longer feels hot and raw like burning, but deep and ferocious.

Like love.

"Please."

Jane nods, leading her to the door.

"Okay."


	35. Chapter 34

**Aw, jobee. Maura's not out of it yet. :)**

**Happy reading.**

**t.c.**

* * *

"Take it off," Maura feels the ground start to spin underneath her and she turns away from Jane, grabbing on to the breakfast bar.

Jane stops, confused. "Wha?"

"It's **blue**. Take it…" but panic is rendering her unable to speak. She tries to keep her eyes open, tries to stay in the present, but that _color_.

"_OH_." Jane smacks her head with her hand, and hurries to pull the offending shirt over her head. "Okay, Maur, okay, hang on," She says, tossing it out of view and rushing over to where Maura is leaning against the counter, eyes glazed over.

Jane had dressed without thinking, choosing the shirt that was on top in her dresser, not remembering what the psychologist had said about triggers.

She approaches Maura slowly. "Maura, can you hear me?" She puts her hand next to Maura's on the counter, sliding it closer until they are touching, pinky against pinky. Maura's face clears a little. She looks at Jane, and her hazel eyes are bright with tears. "I'm sorry." She says quietly, and Jane thinks it's safe to slip an arm around the doctor's waist.

"Don't apologize. It's my own fault. I'm so sorry, Maur, I wasn't even thinking."

"It's just. Baby blue, on you, while initially quite visually pleasing …"

"I'm gonna give all the shirts that are close to that color away, okay? I'm really sorry. Do you want to sit down?"

Maura shakes her head, and pulls Jane into a hug. The next step is contact, and then, if she needs it, reassurance. She has to admit that the flashbacks have decreased since Jane cajoled her into therapy. Maura hadn't wanted to go, not because she wasn't willing to talk, but because she felt that as a doctor, as a _genius_, she should be able to control her own mind. When she'd tried to explain this to Jane, The detective had shaken her head, taking Maura's face gently between her hands.

"You can go alone, or I can go with you, but you're going." She'd said, kissing Maura's forehead. Her tone firmly stating that the conversation was not up for debate. Maura had opted for together, and was surprised, but delighted, when Jane was true to her word, showing up for every single session.

"I need to see it," Maura says now, pulling away and reaching to untuck Jane's tank top from the waistband of her pants. She tries to keep her breathing steady, focusing on getting the answer to her question, rather than panicking about the answer that might be true.

Jane accommodates her immediately, lifting up her tank to reveal the tiny circular scar near her belly button.

Maura blinks, feeling herself get calmer. She reaches out, then hesitates.

"Go ahead, honey," Jane says, like always.

Maura lets her fingers graze over the little abrasion. Nothing so scary now.

"There was so much blood," she says, looking up into Jane's face. Jane nods, but doesn't respond, waiting. _Talk it out. Uninterrupted. That's a rule. _

"But you're fine now," Maura says, and Jane smiles.

"I'm fine now," she repeats gently, as Maura pulls her tank top back down.

Jane glances at the clock in the kitchen. "You did great. That one wasn't even three minutes, Maur," Jane says affectionately, pulling the blonde into a hug.

Maura nods against Jane's shoulder. It's true that she's gotten better at stopping her panic attacks before they happen or get too severe, and she's been awed at Jane's patience as they learn the techniques that work best for calming her down.

She'd come into the bedroom from the bathroom one night to see Jane tuck something quickly out of sight. After several minutes of verbal prodding and actual poking, Jane had shown her the little index card she'd hidden in the bedside table. On it were Maura's steps for controlling her panic, written out in Jane's narrow slanted writing.

Jane had looked guilty. "I don't have the memory you have," she'd said. "I just wanted to make sure I remembered the night time ones."

Maura had taken Jane's hand and placed it over her heart, not trusting herself to speak.

"I'm nervous," Maura admits, as Jane surreptitiously slips the shirt into the trashcan. She looks up.  
"If you don't want to come back today Maur, I can call the Board and-"

"_No._ I'm going crazy here with nothing to do, and Dr. Shapiro and I agreed that I couldn't keep avoiding."

Jane smiles. "I thought Dr. Shapiro said you were hiding."

Maura swats irritably at the detective as she passes, "The Oxford definitions of those two words is infinitesimally small, I don't see why she would choose to use that particular one over-"

"Stop it, stop it, Dr. Smartypants," Jane says, throwing up her hands. "I surrender."

Maura smiles, watching the tall, skinny frame disappear around the corner to get a new shirt. She comes out in a light green one, and Maura knows she has deliberately stayed away from blues and reds, and then discarded the pinks and purples as well, to be safe.

"You can't block out half of the color wheel just because of me, Jane." She says, picking up her keys. But the detective shrugs, pulling her blazer up over her shoulders.

"I would…if you needed me to."

* * *

They encounter a problem in front of the precinct. Maura feels her breathing get shallow as they pull up to the stairs in front of the precinct. She stops the car and closes her eyes, but immediately she is seeing Jane falling and falling, her eyes already closing…  
"Maura," Jane's voice is very quiet, but firm. "We can go home."

"No. If Dr. Pike accidentally destroys one more piece of evidence…" She takes a breath, and throws the car into park. "Let's go."

She starts up the stairs, smiling politely at the other officers and technicians who are entering the precinct too, but half way up, she looks down at the stone step under her shoes, and all she can see is it covered in blood. Jane's blood. She wobbles slightly, wishing for the first time in her life that she'd worn smaller heels.

Jane reaches out and takes her elbow. "Maur, it's okay," she says quickly. "I'm right here."

It's not enough, and when Maura looks up into Jane's face, trying desperately to shut the panic down, she knows that Jane knows too.

"Okay, okay, sweetheart, look." Jane is pulling at the hem of her shirt. "Hold on, stay right here," She says a little panicked sounding has her shirt gets caught on her kit belt. "Maura, look, baby…_look" _

Maura does look; feeling instantly better that the scar is not dripping in red. And as her panic clears, she realizes what else she's looking at, and her eyes widen. Detective Jane Rizzoli, lead homicide detective, with more true arrests than any of the boys, is standing in front her with her shirt up, and her scars bared, while people climb the steps around them, casting curious looks over their shoulders.

"Nice abs, Rizzoli," A uniform calls as he passes, smirking.

Jane's head snaps up and she glares so hard that the officer stumbles a little when he meets her eyes. "You wanna keep your nice face?" She spits.

He hurries away.

Jane looks back at Maura, her face softening immediately, "Go ahead, Maura," she says gently, "do you need-" but Maura throws her arms around Jane's neck instead, trying not to squeeze too tightly. When she pulls back, Jane is looking at her, surprised.

"What was that for?" Jane asks, as Maura pulls her up the last couple steps, and through the heavy doors.

Maura opens her mouth and then shuts it again. She can recite the definition of more words than anyone she knows, and none of them even come close to describing how she's feeling.

There is no flashback problem when they enter the Morgue. Dr. Pike has disrupted it so thoroughly that it does not even feel like hers.

"The body is in Bay three," Jane says, standing the doorway. She tugs at her fingers, waiting.

"I'll take a look, and I'll text you, Detective," Maura says, smiling.

Jane play huffs, but her face softens quickly, like she can't sustain a grumpy demeanor when she looks at the doctor. _Her_ doctor.  
"Text me anytime, Maur. Okay? Don't get all macho and think that you can…" Jane waves her hand through the air, looking to see if Maura understands her.

Maura nods, slipping on her lab coat.

She doesn't look up at the door again, but it is not until she takes the scalpel and makes one neat, straight line down the woman's chest that she hears the sound of Jane's boots heading away towards the elevator.

* * *

"Yeah, it would have been a great moment, a real, Rizzoli victory, if this one hadn't completely disobeyed my orders," Jane is saying. She's relaxed on the couch, next to Tommy. Frankie is sitting between them on the floor and Angela is reclined in an armchair nearby. Maura sits in the loveseat next to Frost, her hand intertwined with his. Every once in a while, if the Rizzoli siblings get too loud, he will smooth his thumb over the back of her hand. Grinning at her out of the corner of his eye. Frost, apart from Jane, is the only other person who knows what Maura went through, who saw her when she was the most dissociative.

She sees Tommy notice this once or twice, frowning for a split second, before one of his siblings pulls his attention away again. But he doesn't comment on it.

"You told me to stay in the car!" Frankie says, looking at his watch and struggling to his feet reluctantly. "I stayed in the car!"

Jane laughs as Angela shakes her head, "It was an awesome take down, little brother. I wish we had it on tape."

"Tommy, c'mon, I'll drive you home so you don't break curfew," Frankie says, and Angela and Frost both look at their watches too.

"Oh, my god, how did it get so late?" Angela asks standing up and stretching her hands above her head.

Frost stands too, pulling Maura up by both hands, "Well, it's really down to Dr. Isles here, that we got him. She's the one who noticed the zipper marks." He makes a disgruntled noise in the back of his throat, "_Pike."_ He says disgustedly.

Maura makes a noise of agreement.

At the door, Frost pulls first Jane and then Maura into a hug. "It's so good to have you back Doc," he says, before offering his arm to Angela and leading her down the sidewalk.

Frankie and Jane are engrossed in one last piece of cop talk, and so Tommy turns to Maura, his eyes taking a little longer than is normal to meet her eyes.

"It was really good to see you Maura," He says, and Maura smiles politely. "I'm sure I'll see you again, right?"

Maura crinkles her eyebrows in mild confusion, but nods anyway."

"Yo, T-zzoli. Let's go!" Frankie calls, and with one last look at Maura, Frankie turns away, heading after his brother.

Maura is about to comment on this to Jane, but everything is wiped from her mind as the detective swoops towards her, grabbing her low and lifting her into the air like she weighs about as much as a hardcover book."

"_Jane!_" Maura hears her voice go high like a child.

Jane lets her down immediately, her look of concern fading when she sees that Maura is laughing.

"Oh," she says, relieved.

Maura pulls the brunette closer, standing on her tiptoes to press a kiss to her lips, "You're too careful with me, Jane." She says quietly, running her hands over her detective's back. "I'm not going to shatter."

Jane bites her lip, "It felt like you were…for a while," she says, leaning in to bite Maura's earlobe.

Maura's breath hitches. They haven't been intimate in months.

"Sorry," Jane says, and she pulls back, always chivalrous, even though Maura can tell she's practically vibrating with need.

"No," she says, pulling at Jane's arm. "No, don't go. I want you." She says quickly, glancing at Jane's face.

"Maur, I told you. I don't have to be with you to love you. Those times, I don't want it to be like.. I can give you as much time as you need."

She watches Jane's face as she works to find the right words. Maura knows what Jane is thinking about. There had been a time in therapy when Maura had tried to explain what it had felt like to have sex with Jane while half of her believed she was dead.

Dr. Shapiro had asked, _What was the emotion you felt the strongest at that time?_ And Maura had answered without thinking. _Hatred._

"I don't need any more time, Jane," Maura said. "I need you. Now."

Jane growls deep in her throat, a noise that makes Maura shiver, but she doesn't move, so Maura moves, closing the space between them in three quick steps.

She puts her hands on Jane's shoulders. "Pick me up," she says, pushing off and jumping before Jane can answer, but she catches her easily. Maura feels her stomach flutter and the sensation of being held.

"Maura," the doctor looks down at her girlfriend, and she can see in Jane's eyes that she's going to ask again, she has to. Maura presses her lips to Jane's wrapping her legs tightly around Jane's waist. "Take me to bed." She says against Jane's ear.

Jane growls.

And does as she's told.

* * *

**I can't begin to thank you guys enough for your reviews to ch. 33. Socks-lost, ts, fallenaustin, you guys have been consistently wonderful. I wanna send y'all gift baskets or somethin :) **

**skellagerardway, fergz, friendsfan, tvcrazed, heatwave, take a chance: god. I might die. you are all so wonderful. here's another long one. a tiny bit of angst and a decent amount of fluff. **

**see you guys tonight!**

**t.c.**


	36. Chapter 35

Maura does not expect her mother to simply disappear from her life. After the conference, Constance had returned to charity work based in Rome, and Maura had done her best to put their painful interactions out of her mind.

She has almost succeeded in this task, so as she exits the elevator and heads towards the bullpen, she nearly falls over when she hears that familiar cold voice.

"Officer, you can't bar me from seeing Maura, after all you're the one who called me."

Maura stops just outside the hallway, feeling her heart leap into her throat. She is about to run around the corner, when Jane's voice makes her freeze. "I called you three months ago. You lost the privilege of seeing her when you didn't get on a plane immediately," Jane's voice is low and dangerous. "And it's Detective."

"I was not aware that there was a deadline on your invitation, _detective, _Just as I was unaware that I needed an invitation to see my own child."

"Well nothing else seems to bring you around," Jane hisses, and Maura has to put her hand against the wall, trying to calm her nerves. "Maura was held hostage, she was shot, she had to watch me almost bleed out in front of her," Jane's voice shakes just the tiniest bit, but Maura cannot tell if it's from anger or from memories. "I called you thinking you might want to come be there for her. Support her during her recovery."

There is a short pause. "Why," Constance's voice is dripping with anger, though she's cleverly disguised it as curiosity, "Would I come and support her, when she is still in the relationship that nearly got her killed?"

Out of sight, Maura literally sees red as her anger overflows. She moves to round the corner, to give her mother a piece of her mind, but a hand on her upper arm restrains her. She turns to see Frankie.

"Frankie, wha-"

But he shakes his head once, "Stay here, Maur." he says quietly, giving her shoulder a squeeze. "Jane can handle herself...listen."

Sure enough, Jane's voice echoes around the corner, so ice cold that Maura thinks if she were to breathe out, her breath would steam. As it is, she can't breathe. Jane's words have stolen all her air.

"If you think that I'm going to let you go downstairs and try to bully your daughter into living by your arbitrary and capricious standards, then you have another thing coming. And it's not because I'm frightened that she will give in, and jump on a jet with you tonight. It's because I know that she will tell you no, and you will express your... _extreme disappointment_, and she won't say anything to you because you two have never said anything real to each other in your lives, but it will hurt her. And Maura is smart, and kind, and loving, and she has been through more hurt in the last six months than I care to share with you, so if I can spare her the knowledge that her mother only bothered to come check on her _now? _Then you can bet your high end ass that that's exactly what I'm going to do...Frost!" Jane barely stops to breathe. "Can you make sure that Mrs. Isles is returned safely to the car or limousine that deposited her here?"

"With pleasure," Frost's voice is practically dripping with glee. "Right this way..._ma'am." _

"Constance," Maura hears Jane's boots take three slow steps. "You come back here when you want to tell her you love her for who she is, and I will gladly forget any insult you have ever thrown at me. But until then...you can get the _fuck_ out." Jane accentuates her swear, as if in defiant rebellion to Maura's rule, and the doctor has to hide a smile behind her hand.

She looks up at Frankie, who is smiling broader than she's ever seen, and not bothering to hide it.

"See?" he says letting her go.

Maura nods, still reeling. Yes, she does.

"Jane!" Cavenaugh's voice rings through the precinct.

"Sir."

"We've got a missing kid. Father's requesting you specifically. I think you know him..."

"Yes sir. Let me just get Dr. Isles and we'll..."  
Maura rounds the corner at the mention of her name, "I'm here, Jane."

Jane's smile is genuine, but fleeting, because at that moment a man bursts through the front doors of the office,

"JANE? JANIE?"

Jane whirls, her eyes wide and disbelieving "Dan? It's your-" She glances at Cavenagh. He nods curtly.

"Jane...my baby is gone. She's gone. You have to help me. You have to."

* * *

_Find that girl, will you? Don't let those parents go through this._

...

She finds Jane in a cathedral four blocks from the precinct. For a moment she stands in the back of the church, wondering if she should should intrude. The detective has her head bowed, resting on her clasped hands. Her eyes are closed.

Maura has not seen Jane pray until today. The one time she accompanied the Rizzoli's to church, Jane had spent the entire time staring at the ceiling, looking completely disinterested.

Maura has almost made up her mind to leave, when Jane moves. She sucks in a deep, shuddering breath, and her hands un fold to rub at her face and Maura changes her mind, walking down the aisle and slipping into the pew beside Jane.

"I should be looking for Mandy," Jane says without opening her eyes. Without moving.

"There's no new developments." Maura says quietly, running her hand over the back of Jane's neck.

"How did you find me?"

"I saw you praying at your desk earlier. Deductive reasoning." _And I know you, _she thinks.

Jane rolls her shoulders, trying to unlock some of the tension, "I like it when you know me," she says, and Maura smiles, slipping her hand into Jane's hair, massaging the back of her head. They sit like that for a while, not speaking.

"What did Frankie say Pop said? When I was unconscious?" she asks suddenly.

Maura frowns, She'd tried to keep Frankie and Tommy from telling Jane about Frank's visit, but Tommy had let it slip at a Sunday dinner, and Jane had eventually wormed the entire story out of Frankie, hugging him tightly when he'd confessed to punching his father. "Jane, what does it matter what your father said? His words come from a place of fear and deep rooted-"

"That God was punishing me for my lifestyle?" Jane speaks as if she hasn't heard Maura's reply, and her eyes still don't open.

Maura takes pulls her hand away from Jane's neck, "If there is a God, Jane, I don't believe he would be so spiteful as to punish you for who you love. All the evidence supports-"

But Jane unclasps her hands and looks at Maura, and her chocolate eyes are swimming in tears.

Maura's eyes widen in alarm. "Jane. There's no way you can blame yourself for Mandy's disappearance. It's completely-"

"I just want to know why all these things happen, Maura." Jane says, and her voice breaks a little, "I want to know why my father and your mother don't accept how much we love each other. Why they can't see that I would...that you would do anything for...that _we..." _

"Honey-"

"I want to know why Sophie James' father didn't get to hug his little girl one last time and tell her that he loved her, and have her look back at him and say, 'I love you too, daddy.'

I want to know why Marino killed those people, why That woman would _fake _a pregnancy and kill a woman to be a mother... I want."

"Jane." Maura puts her hand on the brunette's back as she leans forward, resting her head on the pew in front of them, her eyes closing again. Maura rubs in tiny circles into Jane's back, feeling the knots of tension rippling just under the skin.

"Just give me a reason," Jane says, her voice so quiet that Maura has to lean closer to be able to hear her. "Just give me a reason...give me..." she opens her eyes, as if looking for something.

Maura puts her hands on Jane's shoulder and pulls her upright, turning her a little so that they are face to face.

"Sometimes bad things happen," she says softly, and her hands slips down Jane's side to let her fingers play over the spot where Jane's scar is. "Sometimes awful things happen, and there's no explanation for why. God-if he's real- doesn't _make _them happen, and he's certainly not _punishing _anyone_. _They are a direct result of brain chemistry. Of human nature."

Maura reaches out and puts her hand under Jane's chin, tugging gently so that she can look into Jane's eyes. "I heard what you said this morning...to my mother," she says, and Jane's eyes widen in fear.  
"Maur, I didn't-" But Maura shakes her head, "shh. It was one of the best moments of my life."

Maura smiles, but Jane still looks unconvinced.

I can tell you my reason, sweetheart," she whispers.

"You're my reason. For everything. You're the reason I don't fall apart. You're the reason I come into work-"

Jane makes a sound of disbelief and tries to look away, but Maura doesn't let her go. "No, Jane. If you weren't here, I would get up and go to my job, and finish my reports, and hand them in. But I wouldn't laugh, and I wouldn't feel, and I wouldn't care. You are the reason for those things. The reason it means something to me."

Maura uses her thumb to wipe a tear off of Jane's cheek. "You are my _reason_."

Jane puts her hand over Maura's on her cheek. "Maybe that's why these things happen," Maura continues after a second, "So we can find our reason."

Jane looks up into the high arching rafters of the church and then back down. Her shoulder's relax a little.

"Maura?"

"Yes?"

"I love you so much that it's like breathing. You're my reason too."

"I'm glad you told me. Even if I can read it in your face."

"Maura?"

"Yes Jane?"

"I want to kiss you... Just for a second...but I don't want to do it here."

* * *

Some time after the doctor had checked over the little girl and the detective had returned her to her parents, they had come home and shed their titles, slipping into pajamas and domesticity simultaneously and easily. It is not so seamless and smooth on all nights, or even on most nights, but this night is rare and easy and they take it, reveling.

Jane leaves Detective at the door, shutting her gun and her badge away in the drawer in the front hall; losing two inches as she kicks out of her boots, and her attitude as she shrugs out of her blazer.

Maura leaves Doctor in the shower, washing away the distinctive odor of the morgue, gaining confidence with each deep breath she takes under the steamy flow.

They meet in the kitchen. Jane sits on the counter, her hair long and wild, licking chocolate sauce off a spoon.

Maura rolls her eyes, and swats at her girlfriend until she wriggles down, pretending to huff. She offers the blonde her spoon, still half full, and looks surprised when Maura accepts. Her eyes widen as Maura sucks the spoon into her mouth, her hazel eyes bright and seductive, never leaving Jane's face. It's one of Maura's favorite things: to watch her girlfriend's expression change from playful, to surprise, to arousal. The dark eyes flicker, understanding, and as soon as the spoon has left Maura's mouth, Jane replaces it with her lips.

They are exhausted, but it is the good type of exhausted, the kind that loosens the joints and makes crawling into bed a vacation. She lets her hands wander lazily over her girlfriend's body, letting the tension build.

Jane pushes Maura's shirt up over her head, and then, with one dazzling, wicked smile that does nothing to stop the beat building inside the blonde, disappears down the bed to rid Maura of her bottoms.

"We won again, Jane," Maura mumbles, as Jane slips her hips out of the sweatpants she just put on.

"I'm still playing." the growl comes from her navel, followed by three quick kisses on her hip bone.

She sucks in a deep breath as Jane moves back up her body, suddenly shirtless, and pale and gorgeous. She presses her lips to Maura's neck, her fingers searching, teasing, asking.

Maura nods, wrapping one leg around the thin, muscular waist above her. "It's okay." she says, when Jane continues to hold out. "I want to."

Jane presses into her, and they both gasp, Maura letting her breath out in a sort of breathy moan, and the brunette begins to move.

"Please, God, Jane...put more...put your..._God._"

She feels Jane smile against her temple, "I thought I was your reason," she whispers, "but you seem to be calling for the deities. Should I stop and see if they answer you?"

Maura moans as Jane's hands leave her, and she begins to pull away. "No, Go-no, just...can you? Please? I need..."

Jane giggles, "You're never this inarticulate, doctor...are you feeling ill?" Maura groans in frustration again and bites down on Jane's neck, trying to get her to obey. The woman above her tenses slightly, and Maura feels her breathing pick up, but she does not comply.

"nnnngh, _Jane." _

"You told me not to treat you as though you would shatter. I'm only respecting your wishes."

Maura shudders. "Jane...i need...I need..."

"tell me," Jane says, and Maura can tell by her voice that she is close. that this time she will satisfy.

"I need you." she says, panting as Jane presses one finger into her.

"Again," Jane demands.

"I need you...God, _Jane..please. I need you so badly." _

Two fingers. Jane twists once and Maura explodes underneath her, dragging Jane over the edge with her as her fingernails scrape up her sides.

"I love you, Maura," Jane tucks her long body into her favorite spot by her girlfriends side.

"I love you too," Maura says, closing her eyes. Her last thought, before sleep claims her consciousness is a prayer, though she doesn't register it as such. She barely registers it at all.

_I pray it stays this good after the children come. _

* * *

**_Holy moly! so many new followers and so many new reviewers. I have to say I never thought I'd get 100 followers let along 200. I nearly stabbed myself with my pencil this morning out of shock, when I logged on and saw. _**

**_Davislp, and the others who've asked, I always thought Maura would have given Jane her first orgasm? but not taken her virginity...sry that was unclear. crispyknight: I love korsak in the show...but I just can't find a voice for him in my head. I've sort of replaced him with Frost...I'm sorry if you miss him :( I thought it was better to give him a smaller role than to write him so badly you want to punch me...those are the only options. :) skellagerardway, jobee, friendsfan,fergz, ts. you guys are becoming like old friends, and I wait for your feedback like you wait for my updates. y'all are awesome. Fallen Austin, you'll get to make your final decision on tommy in about two chapters. hope you can wait that long...:)_**

**_valeria, marcia metz, so nice! welcome and thank you and as always_**

**_happy reading. _**

**_t.c._**


	37. Chapter 36

**I miss you.**

_I miss you too. _

**No you don't. I'm sure your conference is totally interesting.**

_Those things are not mutually exclusive, Jane._

**I heard a ghost last night.**

_That's the last case, talking. There's no such thing._

**Will you come back, M? Soon?**

_Of course pretty girl. Sunday, first thing._

**My hands hurt. **

_Remember rub out to in. Make Frost do it. Have to go. _

**Happy Thnxgvng Maur. **

_I love you._

Jane puts her phone back in her pocket, smiling. "Maura says Happy Thanksgiving," she says to the room at large, and Frost and Tommy nod in acknowledgment. Frankie and Angela don't hear her.

"Ma, last year, you put it in the wrong hole. I swear to God,"

"Do not take the Lord's name in vain and no I did not. _You _almost put it in the wrong hole and I saved you from making a huge mistake.

Jane flops down on the couch next to Tommy, ignoring the fight, feeling her smile fading. Maura has been gone for five days to a conference in New York City, and the house has felt empty and huge without her. It is the longest that Jane has been away from Maura since she returned to Boston, and she is unable to fight the lingering panic that Maura will not return. She'd sent long e-mails about the conference and the "truly amazing" speakers that she'd listened to that Jane had only skimmed. They gave her a slightly nauseated, slightly guilty feeling, and though she'd tried to be happy for Maura, tried to reassure herself that her girlfriend would return to Boston because Boston had _her,_ she still wakes up at night reaching out for nothing. The dreams are too reminiscent of the past for Jane's liking.

"Barry," Angela calls, her voice arching over the indignant protestations of her son, and pulling Jane out of her musings. "Which end does the stuffing go into? Seriously. Frankie won't let me put it in until someone else agrees with me..."

Frost grins, standing up and heading into the kitchen, and Jane doesn't hear his answer, just the shriek of victory from Angela and the disgruntled swear from Frankie. Jane smiles vaguely, trying to settle into the holiday, but it just doesn't feel right.

"Hey," Tommy says suddenly, reaching out to grab Jane's hand. Jane flinches, pulling away automatically as her hands twinge uncomfortably. She glares at her brother, and he puts his hands up defensively.

"Sorry," he says, "You're just picking at them, and they already look sort of red. I just thought..."

Jane looks down at her hands, realizing that he is right. It will be her second winter with these scars, and she'd hoped that this one would be better. That she would no longer feel the cold in the joints of her fingers and wrists like there is ice running through her veins.

Maura had told her to get one of her family members to rub them, or Frost, but Jane had so far been unable to bring herself to ask any of them. Maura's the only one who's allowed to look at her hands. Really look at them.

"Yeah," she says shaking them gently, winching when pain ricochets from her fingernails to the base of her palms and back. "The winter months are hard on them. Maura usually-" She stops herself, feeling a sick swoop in her stomach. She'd almost told Tommy about Maura rubbing her hands. _Tommy_.

"Ma wrote me about all of that stuff that went down," Tommy says into the awkward silence, and Jane looks up at him.

"Ma wrote you?"

"Sometimes. She would write a whole lot for like...six months, and then something would happen that would make her mad that I was inside. She would watch a Dateline on juvenile delinquency or someone she knew's son would graduate from something, and she would stop."

Jane contemplates her brother, "I'm sorry, T. That must have been hard."

Tommy shrugs, but Jane knows that move. She's done it a million times. "What was hard was writing her every month or a couple times a month, and not knowing what kind of response I'd get back. Or if I'd get one at all. But I felt like I couldn't stop...you know?"

Jane stares at her brother, and his cheeks go red. "Sorry. That sounds stupid," he says quickly.

Jane shakes her head. She feels a sudden rush of tenderness for this man. For this brother who she doesn't really know at all. "It's not stupid." she says.

"T?"

"Yeah."

"Can you do me a favor?"

Tommy glances at her warily. "maybe,"

Jane takes a breath. "Will you rub this hand?" she holds out her left hand, the most painful because it's the dominant one. "Maura usually...just like press from the fingers in towards the palms?"

Tommy hesitates for a second, and Jane feels panic make her light headed.

"Yeah. Okay." He takes her hand, and she notices how similar their hands are too. Long, delicate fingers.

Tommy does as she's instructed, and although it's not as good as when Maura does it, the relief is instant. Jane lets out a breath she didn't know she was holding.

"Thank you, brother."

Tommy nods, concentrating on his task, and Jane realizes that he's trying not to hurt her. That he's _trying._ "They hurt a bunch, huh?" he says, glancing at her.

"Is it obvious?"

Tommy is silent for a second. "No. not until you feel better."

She smiles faintly. "Good."

She pulls her hand away after a moment flexing her fingers slowly. It does feel better. She glances at Tommy and then away again. "Look. Tommy. I'm really sorry I didn't visit or...write while you were..."

Tommy waves her away, his face hardening for a moment and then, Jane watches a little awestruck, he makes the choice _not_ to shut her out. "It's not like I was the best brother before I went in."

"I could have been a little bit more understanding," Jane says quietly.

"No, you couldn't have," Tommy says "You were a great sister. Consistently. I just...When I went to stay with Dad...he said so many fucked up things about you."

"Language," Jane says automatically, and Tommy rolls his eyes. Although she's always suspected that her father had said things about her to Tommy, hearing this confirmation hurts a little. It must show on her face, because Tommy's eyes widen a little.

"I was really young, and I idolized him, Jane...I didn't-"

But Jane puts her hand up. "T. I get it. I'm not blaming you."

Tommy's shoulders sag a little in relief.

They sit there for a moment, not talking, and Jane feels like something has been lifted from her. She doesn't know when the burden that was Tommy's incarceration became so commonplace that she no longer felt it. But now that it's gone, she feels herself relax a little more.

"And you've got Maura now," Tommy says, seeming to finish a silent train of thought out loud.

Jane smiles, bashful. "Yes. I do," she says, almost wonderingly.

Tommy glances into the kitchen to where Barry Frost is leaning up against the counter drinking a beer. "You guys are like...serious." he says.

Jane frowns, "Well, I live here, T, so...I'd say yes."

Tommy frowns too. "She's hot..."

Jane feels her stomach tense a little. _Where is this going. _"Hands off, brother," She says, letting herself growl a little. Tommy looks a bit surprised, but he also looks like she's confirmed something for him. Like he's made up his mind. "Hey," Jane says, leaning forward, pointing to his head. "What's going on in there?"

He smiles at her, genuine, if cocky, "I'm really happy you've found someone. I want you to be happy." he says.

Jane relaxes, but she still feel suspicious. She wants to say something more, but she doesn't get a chance.

"Okay!" Angela says, appearing around the corner from the kitchen. "The turkey is in! It's centerpiece time!"

Frankie and Jane moan simultaneously, and Tommy bursts out laughing. "You still do that?" he asks incredulously.

Jane buries her face in hands. "And name cards. Even though we know exactly who's coming and where we all sit," Jane says pointedly.

"Come on. Get your coats. Those leaves aren't going to choose themselves." Angela holds out the giant glass jug that the Rizzolis have filled with fall leaves as a centerpiece for the past 25 years.

Frost reaches out his hand to Jane, pulling her to her feet with a grin. Jane notices that Tommy's face has suddenly turned into a scowl. But she doesn't get to comment on it. "Janie, you have to lead the way. I don't know where the nearest park is from here."

* * *

**I made you a name card.**

_That's sweet of you. _

**What are you thankful for?**

_Should be obvious. I have to go. _

**Mauurr. **

_Jane. I have to turn my phone off. I'm sorry honey. _

Jane looks up from her phone, which she's been using discreetly under the table, and looks at her mother, who has been listing the things she's thankful for for the past three minutes. Jane tries to tune back in. Tries to ignore the panicked ringing in her ears. "And finally, I'm thankful to finally have my baby boy back with us for this Thanksgiving, and so many more to come!" She looks expectantly at Frankie.

"I'm thankful that it's about to be dinner. Because I am so hungry I was about to kill Frost and eat him."

"Hang on now, brother," Frost says in mock consternation, and then he clears his throat. "I am glad that the Rizzolis took me in as their surrogate son. And that I could spend holidays in this warmth." He smiles around at them all.

They all look at Jane. She opens her mouth, but she can't think._ I have to turn my phone off. I'm sorry, honey. _She closes her mouth, then opens it again. _I have to turn my phone off. _

_"_I am just...Thankful." Jane says quietly. Trying to convince herself too. She can't shake the dread. _I'm sorry, honey. _She forces a smile at her mother, Frost, brothers. "I love you guys. I'm just thankful." Shit. She's going to cry.

And for the second, third? time that night, Tommy comes to her rescue. "Well I love you guys too, but I'm just fucking thankful that I'm not in prison anymore."

Everyone laughs.

"Language," Jane says, automatically.

* * *

_Hi, pretty girl!_

_Maura._

_Why are you crying?_

_Because you're not here, and I miss you. _

_I'm right here. Come here. _

_You're here?_

_Of course I am. Open your eyes. I'm right here. _

_Maura,_

_Shh, beautiful. I love you so much. wake up. _

"Maura."

Jane sits up, alone in bed, the name winging around the empty room like a trapped bird.

She grabs at her head, digging her nails into her scalp, trying to ground herself. "She's in New York. You just talked to her a couple hours ago." _She's gone. _

"No. She's on a trip. It's just your brain playing tricks."

_She's gone she's gone._

Jane sighs, swinging her feet onto the rug. Grabbing the pillow from Maura's side of the bed, and the top blanket, she heads into the living room. She settles on the couch, tucking herself into the back of the couch frame like she would her girlfriend. She cocoons in the blanket, begging her subconscious to fall for the trick, but not holding out much hope. It didn't really work last night or the night before. Why would it work now? Jane sighs and pulls Maura's pillow closer. Tears burn, and she gives into one, before setting her resolve and literally forcing herself into unconsciousness.

* * *

A sound in the front hall makes her eyes fly open. Something clatters to the floor, out of sight and Jane stands up, cursing herself for not setting the alarm. As quietly as she can, Jane tiptoes to the doorway and looks around the corner, her mind already going a mile a minute, to the knives in the kitchen to her baseball bat in the back closet, to her own self defense training.

The figure in the front hall drops something on the table by the door and makes an irritable movement with her hands, just like...

"Maura?"

The figure in the hall gives a little yelp of shock and whirls to face her. It looks like Maura. Jane pinches herself hard enough to wince. Maura is still standing there.

"Jane. God, you frightened me. What are you doing up? It's three in the morning."

Jane gapes. "What are you...It's Thursday."

"Technically it's Friday," Maura says reasonably.

Jane takes a step closer, trying to let her conscious mind catch up with her eyes. "What are you doing home? You have an entire two days left of conference."

"Okay, yes. That's true," Maura says, sounding nervous. "But I couldn't sleep. I kept dreaming that you got hurt, and I couldn't get to you. And I dreamt that when I came back you weren't here and no one knew where you were. Totally illogical, I know." Maura is wringing her hands. "But telling myself it was illogical didn't help at all. And then I told you to let Frost help you with your hands, and...I'm sitting in a lecture on how Mitochondrial DNA is the gateway to genome processing, and I can't focus on any of it because I can only see someone else helping you with your hands and..." she looks at Jane a little defiantly. "That's _my_ job, Jane. I hate the idea of anyone else making your hands feel better. How awful is that?" Maura sounds close to tears, and Jane realizes that she is already crying. She rushes forward to embrace her doctor, everything suddenly making sense. "You had to get on the plane," she says quietly, into Maura's hair.

"I had to turn my phone off for the flight, yes," Maura says, her arms around Jane's waist.

Jane pulls away, taking Maura's hand. "C'mon."

She doesn't take her girlfriend to the bedroom. She takes her to the couch, to the little nest she has made, and pulls her down with her. She wraps her arm around Maura and snakes her hand into her hair, feeling like something inside her is loosening.

"You felt it too," Maura says as Jane wraps them up in the blanket. She nods. "It can't be healthy," Maura murmurs. "It was five days."

Jane shrugs, trying to pull Maura closer, even though it's not possible.

"We should talk about it, to someone, maybe." Maura says, but her voice is already heading towards sleep, and Jane knows she has had about as much rest in the past five days as she has.

"Okay," she whispers against Maura's ear, almost giddy at the feel and smell of her girlfriend. _Near her._ "But tomorrow."

Maura nods once, and they are instantly asleep, like the other's heartbeat is the best, most wonderful lullaby they have ever, will ever, hear.

* * *

**These chapters have been longer recently. Hope that's okay. **

**skellagerardway, you picked up on it! You're gonna have to wait a little...but... :) At least we know what Maura wants. Cheree: I hope those are good gross sobs, if there is such a thing. TVcrazed, it's like you read my mind! Ts don't run out of fluff yet! heatwave, friendsfan, lisahomeandaway, thank you much! 19 more chapters! I can't believe its (much) more than half way done. **

**Aw. Fallenaustin! yes. this is my first Fic. I've got a couple of one shots that have come out of drafting this, but I don't know if they are good/would get read. your reviews are amazing. thank you so much! **

**for those of you wondering where we are in the season, we are a chapter away from Remember Me. **

**Happy reading! **

**t.c.**


	38. Chapter 37

**Ask for a longer chapter, and you shall receive. And the Rizzoli Christmas that comes after is looking to be about double this...so..hold on to your hats. this chapter is NC17 for violence, language, and the fact that everybody in it loses their shit. If you have abuse triggers, go ahead and skip it. it won't be that much of a problem. Jury's back on Tommy...what do you think?**

* * *

_"You can't keep them in this shit hole, Angela. My boys deserve better than some crappy two room apartment on the corner of murder and crime spree."_

_"If you want to help support your children Frank, I'd be more than happy to move your children to a place that you find more suitable." _

_"Like I don't know what you're going to do with that Money, Angela."_

_"Like I don't know you're spending your child support on prostitutes, Frank." _

_He advances on her quickly, as though he's going to put his hands on her, and Jane reacts without thinking, leaving her spot on the stairs to put herself between her father and her mother, pushing against her father's chest with both her hands. _

_"Dad, __**stop.**__"_

* * *

Maura looks up to see Tommy entering the Morgue, and is momentarily surprised. He has Jane's long stride and she had looked up expecting Jane.

"Tommy," she says a little uncertainly, because he looks unsteady, and his expression is a little wild. "Jane's not down here; I think she and Detective Frost went to question the victim's sister."

"I didn't come to see Jane," Tommy says, leaning up against the sinks that line the wall. "I came to see you."

"Oh?" Maura has a slight sense of foreboding. "Well that's unexpected,"

Tommy raises his eyebrows. "And unwelcome?"

"No," Maura says quickly, trying to make herself believe it so that it doesn't sound like an obvious lie, "of course not. What can I do for you?"

* * *

_"You think I'm just gonna let the women in my family do whatever they damn well please? You think I'm gonna send money so that my wife can buy herself clothes, and my daughter can buy herself a dick? If you think that, then you've got another thing coming. Then you don't fucking know me at all."_

_Jane wipes at her split lip with the back of her hand, ignoring the avalanche of emotions that is crashing down inside of her. Ignoring the fact that her brain still can't process that her father has…'_

_"You are a sick son of a bitch, and I hope you rot in hell. You come into my house and you put your hands on my child, and you have the nerve to come in here and insinuate-" Frank moves to strike her again, and again Jane lunges at her father, the screaming in her head and the taste of blood in her mouth forgotten. One thought only pounding through her body. No one is going to lay a hand on her mother._

* * *

"I came to talk to you about Jane." Tommy says, but doesn't continue.

Maura pulls her surgical gloves off, and picks up her cell phone. She moves slowly, trying not to make any sudden movements, working to keep her face calm and impassive. "Okay," she says, glancing at him, "What about Jane?"

Her fingers move quickly over the tiny keys of her phone.

_Jane. Come back here. Now. _

"You weren't around when I went inside. When did you come back?" His voice is causal, but his eyes are studying Maura in the same way that Jane's do sometimes, when she's looking for a truth that may not come out in words.

"I came back to Boston last May." She says. Tommy's frown deepens as though this is not the answer he wants to hear. "It was complicated," Maura says defensively, a little irritably. She does not want to defend herself to another Rizzoli. "But I never stopped caring about your sister."

Tommy smiles, but it's not a nice one. It's skeptical and harsh. "I care a lot about my sister too, Maura," he says, standing up straight and moving towards her. She takes one involuntary step backwards before getting control of her body. But it's enough for Tommy. He's observant enough to notice.

"You scared of me, Maura?"

Maura shakes her head in a manner she is sure means the opposite of the gesture. "N-no." she curses herself inwardly for stammering. "I'm just not sure where this conversation is going. Or why we have to have it at work."

"You should be," Tommy says, as if he hasn't heard her, "afraid of me. I know your secret." Tommy's smile turns into a sneer. "And I'm going to tell Jane."

* * *

_"Ma, shut up!" Jane screams over her mother's torrent of insults, pushing with all her might against her father's back. She's long and naturally muscled, and the work outs at the Academy have strengthened her greatly. She has her father's arm twisted against his back and is forcing him to the door, but every time her mother lets go another string of obscenities, he fights against her, trying to reach his ex-wife. _

_He spins once, slamming her against the wall, trying to get her to let go, and her shoulder blade erupts with pain, white hot like lava. Stars dance in front of her eyes, but she doesn't let go, planting her feet and heaving once, nearly throwing her father towards the front door. _

_"MA. SHUT THE FUCK UP." In her pain and her terror, she doesn't know how to express that every time her mother baits Frank, she makes Jane's job ten times harder. _

_And it is her job. To protect the people she loves with everything she has._

* * *

Maura stares at Tommy blankly. "I don't have any secrets from your sister, Tommy," Maura says slowly, making sure to use the words, _your sister_, in hopes of reminding him where they stand. "We tell each other everything."

Tommy examines a tray of Maura's little silver tools, "Okay," he says without looking at her, "So she knows that you're boning Frost?"

Maura's mouth falls open. Of all the things that she's been expecting from Tommy… "I-I-I," she stutters, too completely caught off guard to even begin to respond properly.  
Tommy looks at her shell shocked face, a look of triumph on his own, and Maura realizes that her stuttering has not done anything to prove her case. She takes a deep breath. "Tommy, I am not sleeping with Detective Frost. You are mistake-"

"I am not mistaken," Tommy says darkly, putting down the instrument he's been examining. "I see the way you look at him. The way you two hold hands, the way he helps you in and out of cars…"

Maura puts her hands out, "We are friends, Tommy. Detective Frost is one of my closest friends." It is as she says this out loud, that Maura realizes it is true. She doesn't know when it happened, but as Jane slid from best friend to lover, Frost slid from acquaintance to best friend.  
Tommy makes an impatient noise, "I _SAW _ you guys at The Garden, last weekend. Just the two of you? For lunch? And you're _friends?_ That place costs more money than Frost makes in a month."

"We were discussing Christmas presents for your sister. I paid," Maura says, trying to keep her voice from trembling. "I think she wants a dog but I'm not sure if I'm reading the signals-"

"Shut up," Tommy says, "Maybe you haven't had enough time back to figure it out yet, but Jane's the greatest person there is. I'm not going to just sit by and let you double cross my sister. Especially when she's as in love with you as she is." He takes a couple steps towards her, and Maura feels her hands get sweaty.

"Tommy. You need to talk to Jane…you're jumping to conclusions. I am not-"

But Tommy turns over her instrument table, the delicate silver tools flying in every direction with a clatter.

* * *

_Jane doesn't know when Frankie and Tommy get home. She sees her oldest brother's frame out of the corner of her eye and just has time to register his presence, before he's there beside her, in front of her, between her and her father, pushing him away too. At 16, he's still not taller than she is, but he's bulkier, Varsity football filling out his muscles._

_More in Frankie's favor, however, is that as soon as he feels his son's hands on him, Frank Sr. stops fighting._

_He backs away from his sons, and his exhausted daughter, chest heaving, and points at the hallway that leads to the bedrooms. "Boys, get your things," he says. "You're coming to stay with me at my house." _

_Both Tommy and Frankie stay still. A year ago, Tommy would have jumped into action, so desperate to hear those words. _

_"I'm not going anywhere with you, you fucking asshole," Frankie says angrily. "What the hell?" He moves towards Jane, "Are you okay, Janie?" _

_"Look, you two have about two minutes to get your stuff and meet me in the car. That's it," Frank says icily. _

_Tommy looks up at Jane, his eyes sliding over her face, wide and scared and…_

_begging. _

_Jane feels like an iron fist has punched her in the stomach. She waves Frankie away with the arm that doesn't feel like it's been stabbed by a hundred needles, and looks at her youngest brother. His brown eyes are a little watery, and although he doesn't speak, Jane knows. Jane knows who he's choosing. "You do what you want, T," she says quietly, trying to keep her voice from breaking. "I love you no matter what, buddy." _

_Her brother glances at his mother, but his eyes don't go high enough to meet hers. Then he slinks around them all and down the hall. _

_"No! Tommy, you're not going anywhere," Angela cries out, moving after her brother. _

_Several things happen at once. Frank lunges at Angela, and Jane, driven by adrenaline and that ever present fear, jumps towards her father. _

_But this time Frank is ready for her. _

_Jane has the sensation of flying. She's in the air, moving over the couch like a low flying plane. It's surreal, and she doesn't know how she got up here. And she has time to register the image of the sharp edge of the coffee table, hurtling towards her face. _

_And then nothing at all._

* * *

"Tommy, let me go. You don't know what you're doing," Maura puts her own hand over Tommy's on her upper arm, but doesn't try to pry his fingers away. It would be futile, and it would make him hold tighter, and this is already going to bruise.

"_I _don't know what I'm doing? _You're _the one crushing my sister."

"I'm not," Maura feels tears stinging her eyes. "God, Tommy, don't do this. Think about what Jane is going to-"

"Don't you talk about my sister like you know her feelings." Tommy yells, and he slams his hand down on the examination table. Maura closes her eyes, wondering how this situation can get any worse.

And then it does.

"Maura? You'd better be bleeding, because I just broke every speed limit by about 300miles per hour and used the siren the entire way. This text is-"

She hears Jane's voice stop dead.

* * *

_She wakes up in the ER. There is one woman she knows, and two men that she doesn't, although she assumes they must be doctors, from the lab coats they are wearing._

_"Hey, Jay. No, don't move a ton, you had dislocated shoulder and you've got six stitches at your hairline."_

_Jane groans a little. "ribs?" _

_"Two fractured." _

_"Shit." _

_Leah McCarthy, her best friend at the Academy sits down in the chair next to the bed. _

_One of the doctors gives the other a meaningful glance, "Ms. Rizzoli, your injuries are numerous, but not life threatening. I recommend that you stay overnight for-"_

_"Nope." Jane says, waving the doctors away. "Get me the Against Medical Advice sheets and I'll sign what you want, but I'm going home tonight." _

_Muttering as they leave, one doctor gives her a last reproachful look before sliding the curtain. _

_Leah takes her hand, "What the fuck happened Jane?" _

_Jane doesn't answer, "Where's Frankie? Ma?" _

_Leah considers her, obviously trying to decide whether or not to push her. "They're out in the hall. Your mother was…. Not conducive to your treatment when you were brought in. Jane-"_

_But Jane puts up a hand, Sitting up, wincing. _

_"Is Frankie okay?" _

_Leah sighs, "Yes. There's not one fucking scratch on him. Jesus Jane. What the-"_

_But Jane shakes her head. "Help me up."_

* * *

Maura sees Jane's hands twitch automatically for her firearm, and then freeze as she realizes that the person who's holding Maura is her brother. Maura watches her flip through fear, anger, confusion, and then her face goes blank and impassive.

"What the hell?"

Tommy drops his hand immediately, giving Maura a scathing look, "Oh, very good, doctor," he says mockingly. "Call her to your rescue. Of course Tommy's the bad guy." He turns to Jane, his hands outstretched. "Look, Jane…It's not what it looks like, I just…"

But Jane's eyes are looking past Tommy, focused on Maura's bicep. And when the medical examiner looks down, she realizes she already has the beginnings of a hand print, red and angry.

"It looks," Jane says slowly, "Like you put your hands on my girlfriend."

"No. I mean. Yes. But she's not your girlfriend."

Jane's mask drops for a second as confusion flashes across her face. "What?"

"He thinks I'm cheating with-" Maura goes to move forward,

"YOU ARE." Tommy interrupts. He whirls back to face her, and his outstretched hands come within inches of her face. "You're banging Frost. I _know_ you are. I saw them together at The Garden, Jane," He says turning back to his sister.

Jane glances at Maura, and the blonde watches her trying to connect the dots, to put things together. "I know, T," she says quietly. "Maura told me she was meeting him there."

Tommy scoffs, "he's always got his hands on her. Like she's his property or something."

Jane takes a couple steps towards her brother, one hand out to calm him. "Calm down, T. They're friends alright. Frost and Maura are-"

" It fucking figures you don't believe me. She leaves for an entire decade and you welcome her back with open arms, but I'm gone for a couple years, and because I was in prison it doesn't matter what I say?"

"Tommy-"

"You're my big sister Janie. You know what I did all day for the first five years I was in there? I fucking sat in my bunk and thought about all the times you protected me when I was a kid. From Pop, or from bullies…or myself. I'm fucking trying to _protect_ you. Like you were always protecting me."

Jane's face softens a little. She moves towards her brother, "Honey, I don't need protecting from Maura."

Maura nods, "Tommy, I would never hurt Jane in that way."

Tommy's eyes flash and he moves towards Maura. "You don't get to fucking-"

He raises his hand, and Jane moves faster than Maura thought possible. In two moves she has him pinned to the examination table, her face grim and unreadable.

"Thomas," she says, holding him firmly as he struggles. "Stop. _Stop it._ I'm gonna let you up. And you need to leave. Go…anywhere, and cool off, okay? And when I get off work, I will call you."

Tommy stops moving and Jane lets him go, backing up.  
Maura reads his body language, knowing what's going to happen before it does, "_Jane!_" But her cry only serves to make Jane look around at her, so that Tommy's punch hits her right in the eye.

* * *

_When she gets home, she takes the box containing her clothes from their home under the coffee table, and carries them down the hall to the bedroom that Tommy and Frankie shared. She puts them on the end of the bed where her littlest brother used to sleep, not bothering to turn on the light. _

_"It won't be for long, okay?" she says quietly, sliding into bed with her jeans still on. _

_"I'll get a job and Find my own place. Leah and I can probably find something for pretty cheap and…" _

_"You can sleep in here as long as you want, Jane. Don't be stupid," Frankie says from the twin bed across the room. _

_"Thank you." _

_"I decided I'm gonna go into the Academy when I turn eighteen. Like you," Frankie says after a while. _

_"Oh, God, Frankie, Mom'd lose her shit…why would you want to do that?" _

_There is a silence that stretches long enough that Jane thinks her brother must have fallen asleep. She has just shut her eyes when Frankie's voice comes out of the darkness again. _

"_Tommy wants to be like Dad because he's our dad…I…" silence again.  
"I just want to be like the person who raised me." He says quietly. _

_And Frankie is smart and caring and kind enough, that he pretends not to hear his sister crying._

* * *

"Jane." Maura puts her hand on the door handle of the bathroom. She can give Jane her space while she cries, but when the crying turns to the unmistakable sounds of vomiting, she can't let the detective be.

She pushes open the door, moving to pull Jane's hair out of her way, as she wretches again.

She rubs gentle patterns into the brunettes back, humming nonsensically, until she feels the body relax. Then she helps Jane to her feet and into the bedroom.

They don't talk as they slide into bed or as Maura wraps her arms around Jane and kisses the spot just below her ear.

Jane's done enough talking for the day, Maura thinks, the story of how Tommy went to live with her father tumbling out of her like a long, verbal roadmap of destruction.

"He's not your father." Maura whispers, as Jane clings to her. "He was trying to help you."

Jane sighs, and shakes her head tiredly, and Maura drops it willingly.

"I love you, Maura," Jane says, long after Maura believes she's fallen asleep.

"I love you too, pretty girl."

"Is it enough?"

"Of course."

Jane sighs. "Maura?"

"yes, baby."

"Double cream."

Maura smiles faintly, giving Jane a gentle squeeze.

"You got it."

* * *

**Charliethecag. good to see you're still coming around! glad you liked it. You too, CCJLfan. skellagerardway you had every right to be worried, i tried not to cliffhanger it at all for you. tansikat, ximebeach, and adh850, how lovely to see your new handles around my fic! thanks for reviewing and i hope you'll keep reading!**

**Fergz and Ts, and Jobee...I'm guess i didn't do much for your sad feelings about Jane...sry about that. But Christmas is gonna pull everyone up...before we dip into remember me...yeah...**

**what's the good mean if you don't have some bad, though, right?**

**fallenaustin, I die. you are too kind to me.**

**happy reading**

**t.c.**


	39. Chapter 38

"And after that, she said she needed space, and I let her have it…Until I heard her throwing up. And then I had to intervene. I was concerned she might have a concussion. And if she didn't, just the fact that she was so upset that she made herself physically ill…" Maura looks at Frost, whose fingers have tightened around the steering wheel. They are on their way to the Humane Society to pick out a dog for Jane as a Christmas present. Maura has finally stopped hemming and hawing and decided to bite the bullet. She is sick of their morning runs being interrupted as Jane stops to hug every canine she sees. It is the first time that she and Frost have had enough time alone for Maura to be able to recount what happened in the morgue.

"I'll kill him," Frost grumbles, shaking his head. "When you brought her up, I thought…Well I don't know what I thought." Frost makes a disgusted sound, "I'll kill him." He says again.

Maura sighs, "I considered it. She's been so ill-tempered all weekend, quiet and brooding or sarcastic and snappish. I don't know what to do."

"She's probably just trying to come to terms with how much she told you. You know she doesn't open up very often." Frost says wisely. Maura sighs again, "I know. I just thought…I thought it would be cathartic, not pull her even further away from me."

"It was. I will be. You just have to give her time. I saw her a couple days after all of that went down with Frank, and she looked," Frost's eyes cloud for a moment before he snaps his attention back to the road, "she looked like hell. It took me weeks to drag the whole story out of her, and even then she was blaming herself for everything. Tommy leaving, her father hitting her-"

"What?" Maura feels rage and sadness in equal parts.

Frost shrugs. "It's Jane." He says simply. And that does explain it all.

"I thought she was starting to pull out of it, but then Angela drops by last night, sees her black eye, demands to know what happens…" it's her turn to shake her head, "And Jane told her she'd taken an elbow from a suspect."

"Let me guess," Frost replies, "Angela goes off about how dangerous her job is."

"Can you handle it? I wanted to scream. I don't know how she can be so strong and so submissive at the same time. It does not make any sort of anthropological sense. "

Frost chuckles, "It makes sense for Jane. She's the ultimate study on evolution."

Maura's respect and admiration for the dark young man sitting next to her can only grow. How wonderful that she can discuss these things with him. "How?" she asks.

"Because Jane has become exactly what anybody needs her to be. Frankie needs her to be steady and strong. Her mother needs her to be a handful, but not push the envelope too much. Her job needs her to be brave…" He shrugs, "evolution says that over time we become the best specimen for our environment and as the environment changes, so do we. Jane is living proof." Frost glances sideways, grinning at Maura, "The Jane Rizzoli of nine months ago would _never_ have pulled her shirt up in the middle of the precinct."

Maura goes a little red. "You heard about that?"

"Everybody heard about that."

"It was on the precinct steps."

"Even better," Frost practically crows, "It proves my point so much more."

"Who is she for me, Barry?" Maura asks before she can lose her nerve.

"Doesn't matter," he answers without missing a beat. "You're her home base. She's exactly who she _wants_ to be when she's with you."

Maura leans back in her seat, smiling.

…

They choose a small, wiry haired little dog that Maura picks up and then is unable to put down. He licks at her face and then rests his head on her shoulder like a child might, and she is smitten.

"Just while you fill out the paper work," Frost says,

"No, look I can do it one handed, just hold the paper steady for me."

Frost chuckles, "Doc. You're gonna have to leave the pup with me for the next six days anyway. It's a present, remember?"

Maura's face falls, she _had_ forgotten. "Oh, alright." She hands the dog over with a little sigh, and sets to work filling out the forms. The dog whines.

"Oh, no," Frost says in a playful baby voice. "Do you miss your mumma already? Huh? Do you?"

Maura is visited by a strong and sudden pang of emotion. It radiates out from her ribcage like a gong, and she feels her eyes start to tear up.

"Woah, woah, Doc! I didn't mean it. You can hold her again if you want to." Frost says, taken aback at the sudden emotion in his friend's eyes.

"What?" Maura says distractedly, "Oh, no….I was just…" but she loses her train of thought again, as the emotion surges back, vibrating through her like a spring.

"He really does miss you, I think," Frost says, still looking unsure.

"She," Maura says, pulling herself together, "And that's ridiculous. Dog's don't possess the cognitive abilities to reach human labeled emotions." Maura gives herself a little shake. "Okay. I'm all done here…are you ready?" She turns away to look for the attendant, missing the quizzical and bemused look that Barry Frost is giving her.

* * *

Tommy arrives early to the last Sunday dinner before Christmas. It had taken Maura almost three hours to convince Jane and Frankie to let him come, and ultimately she'd had to resort to threats ("your mother will start to ask questions that you don't want to answer") and bribery ("Jane, please, I promise I'll make it up to you").

Now she opens the door on his slumped shoulders and contrite expression. "Hey, Maura."

"Come in, Tommy," She says quickly, stepping back to let him in the door. She doesn't particularly want him there either. The memory of his hand on her arm, his breath too close to her face, is not something she wants to be reminded of for an entire afternoon and evening, but she is coming to understand that there are certain things that one does for family.

He follows her into the kitchen, where Jane is laughing at something Frankie has just said. They both turn sober at the sight of their brother, and Frankie immediately takes his beer and heads to the living room. Maura slips onto a stool next to Jane, who slips her long fingers into the hair at the base of the blonde's neck. Ever since Maura's return from New York, and the incident in the morgue, they've been taking any chance at all to touch each other. Hold on. As illogical as she knows it to be, Maura can't shake the feeling that when they are apart, bad things happen. Although both doctor and detective are aware that this need for constant contact will have to be addressed, neither wants to let it end. Not just yet. Maura lets herself lean back into her girlfriend's touch. Jane smiles a little.

Frankie stops level with Tommy, turning to look his younger brother in the eye. "If you put your hands on either of my sisters again, I will end you. Get me?"

"Frankie, Jesus," Jane sighs, rubbing her head with her hands. The movement makes her wince, Maura notices.

Tommy nods looking down at his hands knotted together on the table, and Frankie stomps into the living room.

The three of them stand there in the silence for a second, before Jane says, "Beer, brother?"

"Um, Just water, I guess. Thanks," He says, trying on a smile when she hands him the bottle. "Your eye is looking better."

Jane scowls for a moment, but then seems to give up on whatever emotion was going along with it, opting for exhaustion. "Tommy, Ma thinks I took an elbow from a perp," She says, moving towards the living room after Frankie. "Let's keep it that way, okay?"

Tommy goes to protest, then seems to think better of it. "Thanks, Jane," He says weakly. She nods, bending to press a gentle kiss to Maura's temple. "Alright?" she asks meaning, _do you want me to stay, can I get you anything, do you need me, do you still love me?" _

Maura rests the back of her hand on Jane's cheek, nodding, meaning, _I'm fine, it's alright, you can go, I love you always. _

Jane smiles and moves away to the living room. Maura looks around to see Tommy looking after her, his face miserable. He looks back at her and shrugs. "I fucked everything up again," he says.

"Language," Maura says without thinking about it, the way she would to Frankie or Jane.

Tommy lets out a grunt that might be half of a laugh, "So _that's_ where Jay got it from." He surveys Maura curiously, his face slipping slowly back into misery. "I'm real sorry I hurt you, Maura."

Maura shakes her head, getting up and moving to the refrigerator with the idea of starting the appetizers. "You hurt Jane much more, Tommy," she says, and his shoulders slump.

"It's like I have this one idea of how things are gonna turn out, and then, before I know it, I'm standing around in all this wreckage going, 'what happened?' and everyone is looking at me all upset." Tommy makes an irritable motion with his shoulders.

Maura nods, "Your anger controls a great deal of your actions. Have you spoken to anyone about it? A therapist or-"  
"Hey, I don't need a _shrink,_" Tommy says angrily, and Maura flinches, the ceramic bowl she's just taken from the fridge slipping and falling to the floor with a humungous clatter, breaking into a dozen pieces.

With a wild thundering of boots, Jane and Frankie appear around the corner, and it's hard to decide who looks angrier.

"No, NO!" Maura says quickly, stepping between Tommy and his siblings, putting her hand up. "It was me. I dropped a bowl."

She moves towards them, deciding that Jane needs her attention first, because her face is as white as a sheet. "Hey," she says quietly, slipping an arm around her detective. "My fault, entirely. I just dropped a bowl."  
Jane opens her mouth to say something, but is interrupted by the click and swoosh of the front door, followed by her mother's voice "Ho Ho Ho! Where are my favorite people?"

Maura giggles, covering her hand with her mouth, as all three Rizzolis roll their eyes to the heavens.

* * *

"What about this one Maur?"

Maura looks at the tree that Jane is pointing at. "It's not symmetrical, Jane."

Jane makes an exasperated sound, stomping her feet in the snow. "Mauraaaa, we have been here for over half an hour. I thought you said there was no such thing as true symmetry in nature."

Maura smiles, "You _do_ listen to me when we watch the discovery channel. I _knew _it," Maura says triumphantly.

Jane smiles at her, but it immediately falls back into a mask of discomfort. Maura hurries over to her,

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Jane says unconvincingly.

Maura takes her hand, and Jane flinches, unable to suppress a yelp of pain. "Oh, Jane…" Maura says quickly, "honey, why didn't you tell me the cold was getting to them?" She pulls Jane's glove off, gasping when she sees the long fingers, white as the snow surrounding them, bloodless. "_Jane…" _ The pain must be unimaginable.

"It's fine," Jane says quickly, catching her breath as Maura starts to rub. She grits her teeth.

"It is not fine! They started hurting more than fifteen minutes ago, by the looks of this. Why didn't you tell me?"

"It's your first Christmas tree, Maura," Jane says sadly. "I want you to pick it, and I want you to love it."

Maura shakes her head, mostly irritated, but a little bit swooning. She sucks her teeth, "tsk. Jane. Ugh, come here," she pulls the hand towards her, and slips it under her many layers, against the warm skin of her rib cage, just under her bra line. "Flex your fingers," she instructs, and Jane raises her eyebrows.

"Is that an order from my doctor?" She asks, voice low.

Maura shivers a little, smiling. "Jane, I'm trying to help your hands."

Jane flexes her fingers, and Maura gasps. Jane chuckles, "You told me to," she whispers, and leans into kiss Maura's nose. "Now let's find a tree so I can take you home."

Maura giggles, "What happened to me finding a tree and loving it?"

"I know something else you're gonna love," Jane growls.

All the trees look perfect now.

...

Later that night, they eat reheated chinese food straight out of the containers, Jane in her boxer briefs and tank, Maura in a knee length t-shirt and nothing else. They sit side by side on the couch, knees touching.

"Would you have kept it from me, Maura?" The question comes out of no where.

Maura looks up, confused.

"If I'd gotten there later. If Tommy had," her jaw clenches, "and if he'd left before I got there, would you have told me what happened?"

Maura sighs. She's asked herself the same question on multiple occasions. "I don't know," she says honestly, and Jane's shoulders droop a little.

Maura pushes a little closer to Jane. "It's not because I wouldn't have trusted you, but just because...I wouldn't have wanted you to have to feel...The way you're feeling now."

Jane sighs, running her hand through her hair. The bruise around her eye has faded, leaving a faint yellow glow behind. Maura reaches out and traces it around the curve over her nose, up to her high cheek bone. "He has anger problems." she says softly. "It's not uncommon for young men who are incarcerated so young." Jane flinches a little, and Maura scoots her chair closer, taking Jane's face in her hands.

"Honey you have to stop," she says quietly, and Jane squeezes her eyes shut tight. "You have to stop blaming yourself for all of this. Tommy turned out the way he did because of his own choices, and his own mistakes. Not yours."

Jane shakes her head, putting her hands around Maura's wrists, working not to cry. "Jane."

But she pulls away and stands up, turning towards the living room. "I'm scared, Maura." She says.

Maura doesn't go to her. She understands that this admission does not come lightly. "Of what, honey?"

"I look at Tommy, and I see this anger. It's so big and loud and it's so close to just...destroying him..." Jane runs her fingers through her hair, stopping them midway through to grasp at her head. It's a motion that Maura has seen her do in nightmares. As if she's trying to hold her skull together. To keep it from exploding. "I _know_ that anger." She says in a tiny voice.

"Sometimes I feel it too."

Maura feels her heart break a little. "Jane,"

"What if I had believed him, Maur?" she looks up at her girlfriend, eyes wide. "What if I'd believed him, and you'd had two angry people standing there in front of you. What if one day, I..." But she cannot continue.

Maura puts her hands on Jane's knees. "Jane. Genetics are like light switches. You get your DNA from your mother and your father and they come together and flip the switches differently for each child."  
"Are you dumbing this down for me?" Jane asks from between her fingers.

"Yes, now listen to me because I am a doctor. Some of the switches in you are the same ones in Tommy. You're both tall, you have the same eyes, and the same fingers, the same stride. But where Tommy ignores his anger, where he gives into his fears and hides himself away, you face yours. And you fight. Tommy...he just has to find what he's fighting for. But he will. I know he will with a sister like you."  
Maura has never been good at comforting, but she thinks Jane looks a little reassured as Maura leans in and kisses Jane's forehead. Her nose. Her mouth.

"You let your anger make you better. You don't let it turn in and ugly. And you would never, EVER, hurt me."

"I wouldn't," Jane says, looking at Maura. "Maura, I would _never_."

Maura kisses Jane again. "I know, baby."

Jane settles against her, and flips on the TV, giving a contented sigh. "Ooh! Frosty's Magical Christmas!"

Maura looks at the Christmas tree, sitting in it's stand waiting for their decorations. It's completely lopsided.

She loves it.

* * *

The Rizzolis burst into the house on Christmas day as though it is the Fourth of July. Frankie and Tommy are both wearing Santa hats, and Tommy even has a beard to match. They bring more food than Maura thinks they could ever eat, and the definitely bring more noise than Maura could have ever imagined.

"Merry Christmas!" Angela calls from the hallway, and the boys thunder like rhinos into the kitchen.

"Christmas turns my brothers eight again," she says shrieking as Frankie lifts her off the ground and spins her around.

Maura smiles and sets her coffee down, just in time to be whipped off her feet as well. Frankie spins her around the same way he has Jane, and when he puts her down, he places a kiss on her cheek. "Merry Christmas, Dr. Isles," Frankie says, sweeping her a deep bow. "Detective Rizzoli," a bow in her direction. Maura looks at Jane for direction. The detective, in a move completely out of character, curtsies. Maura laughs out loud, and does the same.

"My children, the hams," Angela says, setting the containers of pie and stuffing and cranberry sauce on the counter.

Maura does not think that she is just talking about Jane and Frankie.

Maura has not ever envisioned such a Christmas for herself. Christmas with her family was a somber, fancy dinner event, where envelopes of money were passed across the table as presents, and both parents took the afternoon off to read in their separate studies.

But Christmas with the Rizzolis is fast and furious. Decorating the tree turns into a tinsel fight. Cookie making turns into a flour fight.

Maura had envisioned a Christmas dinner with a stately tree and a seven course meal, but the Christmas tree is decidedly hilarious, too much tinsel, homemade decorations. Jane pulls out a little gingerbread ornament, and hands it to Maura, "I made this a long long time ago for you, but then you said you didn't have a Christmas tree, so I didn't end up giving it to you." The cut out is in the shape of a house. the roof and walls outlined in glitter. in the middle, in old, chipping frosting is says,

Jane

Maura

Maura wants to hold it forever. "Guess it's fitting now," Jane says in her ear, before kissing her temple and moving on to the next ornament. It's the last thing Maura puts on the tree, and only when she has to. When everything else is on, and her new siblings are trying to drag her outside to "play."

"We're adults!" Maura cries, as Jane wraps a scarf around her neck.

"It's Christmas!" Tommy fires back.

A snowball fight in the front yard _almost _turns into a fist fight, Tommy and Jane squaring off...until Frankie slams Jane in the side of the face with a snow ball, and Tommy collapses into the snow in a fit of laughter.

The sight of this, of Tommy in hysterics on the ground, seems to touch something in Jane. Maura watches her look at her brother, her face so excited, yet so close to tears.

She walks over to him, and offers her hand, saying something that Maura doesn't catch.

Tommy doesn't take her hand as he gets up, but he does step forward and embrace her. It's a hard, ferocious hug that's full of all the things that Rizzolis never say.

Frankie catches Maura's eye, and jogs over, throwing his arm around her shoulder.

"Piggy me, T," Jane says, from inside his hug.

He obliges immediately, turning his back and letting her hop up there, her face shining.

...

"Maura's looking over her shoulder when she opens the door, calling back into the living room that's covered with wrapping paper and tinsel. "Jane, don't you dare change the music while I'm away! Rosemary Clooney is perfectly lovely during the holidays!" this elicits a boo from Jane and her brothers and a cheer as the music switches to something that the blonde does not recognize.

"I hope I am not intruding." Maura whips her head around so fast that it cracks a little.

"Mother!" Constance Isles is standing on her porch, and for a moment Maura thinks she is seeing things. Her mother is…holding a box of presents. "What…" Maura reaches out to take the box, and steps back to let her cross into the house. "I am a little late. The drive from the airport was a bit slippery and the driver had to take some alternate routes. But I've made it in time for Mass at nine with Jane and her mother, so I hope you won't be too cross with me." Constance says all of this rather quickly, and Maura squints, trying to put the sentences together with any corresponding information in her head.

"What are you talking about? Mass with…What are you doing here? I didn't invite you," this last part comes out too harshly, and Maura clamps her mouth shut, instantly feeling guilty at the hurt look creeping over her mother's face.

"I invited her," says a voice from the living room door, and Maura looks over her shoulder to see Jane leaning against the doorframe. Her face a mixture of shock, relief…and something else Maura can't quite place.

"You…" this admission only serves to confuse Maura more.

"I invited her," Jane repeats, moving forward. But I never thought she would come…so…I…" Jane looks guiltily at Maura, "I didn't tell you."

Maura turns back to her mother, still unable to find one coherent thought, "Jane invited you and you…came?"

Constance raises her eyebrows, seeming to struggle with several emotions. "Detective…your partner…is very persuasive."

Maura feels her mouth drop open; she glances over her shoulder at Jane. The brunette's mouth has fallen open too."

"Can I come in, Maura?" Constance says after a moment, a trace of impatience in her voice. "It's horrible manners to keep me in your foyer for so long.

_This_ is the Constance Isles Maura knows. Feeling a little bit more on solid ground, Maura steps back some more, nodding. "Everyone's in the living room," she says blankly, and Constance steps out of her coat, handing it to Jane as she passes.

Jane huffs and rolls her eyes, but then moves towards Maura, looking nervous. "Maur….?"

"You invited her?"

Jane tugs at a finger. "I saw how your face fell when Ma was talking about how it's tradition for the two of us to go to Christmas Mass…I thought….I thought that if she came we could all go…and what's the worst that could happen? She doesn't come and then Ma and I don't go to Mahmmm" the last part of her sentence is lost against Maura's lips.

"Jane Rizzoli, you will never stop surprising me. I love you so much."

Jane smiles hopefully. "Yeah? I did alright?"

"You did wonderfully."  
Jane kisses Maura again, and then pulls her toward the living room. "C'mon. Let's not leave her to the mercy of my family."

* * *

_Dear Mrs. Isles, _

_I hope this holiday season finds you well. I am not sure if you and Maura have been in contact since you and I last spoke in the precinct, but I wanted to write to you and extend an invitation to join our family for Christmas. From what I understand, you and your daughter never made a big deal out of the holiday season, but the Rizzolis never miss a chance to get together for some food, especially if presents are involved. My mother and I also have a tradition of attending Christmas Mass every year, and I know that it would mean the world to Maura if you would come and be a part of that with us. _

_I know that you don't approve of the partner your daughter has chosen, but you have to know that Maura has made my life brighter and happier and I want nothing more than to give her everything she asks for. Please come be a part of our family this Christmas. I know she misses you, and I can't imagine having a daughter like Maura and not missing her too. _

_All the Best,  
Det. Jane Rizzoli_

* * *

After Mass is over, Angela drags Jane up front to light candles for their sick relatives ("so everyone then?" Jane had deadpanned), and Maura and her mother linger at the back of the church, waiting.

"Thank you for coming today, Mother," Maura says quietly. "It means a great deal to me."

She feels her mother shift next to her. "I was not aware that Jane had more than one brother. You'd never mentioned that younger one before."

Maura nods, "Tommy's been away," she says vaguely, relief flooding her when her mother doesn't press.  
But her mother's next question, "Where is Jane's father?" is almost as bad.

"I don't know," Maura says honestly.

"Does she?" Constance asks, her voice neutral.

"I assume so. He doesn't approve of my…" Maura falters.

"He does not approve of _you?"_ Constance's voice is biting, as she whirls to look at her daughter.

"What? Oh, _OH_, no. He doesn't approve of Jane's sexuality. He believes she's turned her back on God."

"Oh," Constance says, the angry flush in her cheeks receding. "I was going to say. My daughter is good enough for any person she chooses." Constance says huffily.  
Maura stares at her for what feels like an eternity, but the older woman doesn't look at her or acknowledge the weight of what she's said.

"What?" Maura finally asks.

Constance sighs impatiently. "You're a genius, Maura. I know you understand what I am saying."

Maura smiles, "Could you try and say it? For my benefit, perhaps?"

Constance glares, pursing her lips, but after a moment she accommodates, "I'm quite proud of the person you've become, Maura. All of you. I would very much like to…get to know you once more."

It's not perfect. But Maura can't stop smiling.

"Ready?" Jane comes up behind her, her arm pulling the medical examiner in close to her side. "You okay?"

Maura leans her head on Jane's shoulder as they walk towards the car.

"Never better."

* * *

"Ready?"  
"Yes."

Everyone is gone, all the presents have been stacked in a corner, the discarded wrapping paper bagged by the front door. They'd decided to wait to give each other their final presents before bed.

Jane watches Maura out of sight, eyebrows crinkled in curiosity.

Maura reappears holding the tiny dog in her arms, and Jane leaps off the couch.

"A DOG?!"

Maura peers at Jane, struggling to hold onto the now excited little creature while also trying to decipher if Jane's cry is a happy one.  
"Maur, you got me a DOG?"

"Yes," Maura says, setting it down, "Jane can you please say something other than…" but Jane collapses to the floor, pulling the dog into her lap, flipping it over onto it's back and burying her face in it's belly. "Hi buddy! Hi little buddy. Did mama bring you home just for me?"

Maura feels her knees go weak, and she has to sit down. Jane looks up at her, face ecstatic. "Maur!"

"Yes, Jane," she says, trying to recuperate, "You like her?"

"I _love her!_ AH. Maura, I love YOU!" and Maura suddenly covered in kisses, and not just of the human kind.  
"Hey," Jane pulls back, "Are you okay?"

"Yes," Maura says, but there's no mistaking the tears in her voice.

Jane frowns, "If you didn't want me to have a dog-"

"No, no Jane, that's not it at all. I just. I love you. very, very much."

Jane smiles, standing up, "Want your present, Maur? Actually...it's sort of funny that you got me a dog..." Jane disappears down the hall, and comes back holding something big, and rectangular.

She sets it down in front of the couch, and Maura kneels beside it, curiosity taking away the last of her tears. She pulls the sheet off of a terrarium, and lets out a gasp.

A tiny tortoise is crawling slowly around the bottom of the tank. "_Jane." _

"You said you had a turtle when you were living in Egypt, remember? And you had to leave it behind. Well...you won't ever have to leave this guy behind because this is your home, okay?"

Maura is speechless, aware that Jane is watching her with wide nervous eyes. "I know you moved around a lot when you were younger. And when you were not young...But...This is a good home," she says a little nervously. "A four animal home now," Jane says, laughing as the little dog comes over to sniff at the cage. "I want this to be our home. for a long time, Maur. Okay?"

"torlts," Maura says, and then clears her throat, wiping away the tears.

"huh?"

Maura pulls Jane to her, moving them both up onto the couch and securing the brunette to her side. She kisses along Jane's ear, down to her throat and around. "It's a tortoise, Jane. And it's perfect. I love it."

Jane relaxes, slipping her hand around Maura's waist. "You were wrong about something else too."

Jane smiles into Maura's shoulder, "just the one thing?"

"This is a great home."

"Merry Christmas Maur"

"Merry Christmas, pretty girl."

* * *

**AH! I hope it was worth the wait! Constance redeems herself! sorta...**

**Heatwave! You're always first and I never thank you! So, thank you. you're awesome for reviewing so much. Ah, friendsfan, I cried a little writing it. not gonna lie. thank you for the compliment! ccjlfan, are these times happy enough for you? hope so! lastwhitefeather, tempebeckett, steph B! Welcome! thanks for the lovely reviews. I hope you continue to enjoy. fergz. don't you worry. I'm all over it...**

**Fallenaustin, i rendered you a little speechless? crazy! thanks so much! look for some oneshots coming up too!**

**Hope those of you that needed to stayed safe during hurricane sandy. didn't even touch here and now I have 30000000 cans of food that I don't need. going to donate them I think. **

**happy early christmas from my AU Rizzoli family! **

**and of course. **

**happy reading. **

**t.c.**


	40. Chapter 39

"Maura, it is so busy here. I don't understand why we had to come out _today_."

Maura sighs, "It's busy Jane, because it's a sale day. All the stores are dumping their winter things in favor of the spring. It's a perfect time to buy you a new winter coat, and get me some shoes."

Jane groans. "Shoe shopping? When you woke me up this morning, _on my day off_," Jane makes sure to stress these words, "You said nothing about shoe shopping. We are going to be here for hours."

"No more than five or six," Maura says, smiling as her girlfriend moans again.

She slips her hand into Jane's as they pass a man and a little boy walking in the opposite direction. He's cute, maybe three years old, and Maura smiles down at him, her heart jumping a little as he looks up at her.

His eyes widen into the size of saucers as he sees her, and he twists away from the hand of the man holding him, already three or four paces past them, Running back towards her.

"Mommy!"

Maura freezes, caught more off guard by the word than by the terrified look on his face. "Mommy! Help Me! Mommy!"

Beside her, Jane turns, but instead of looking at the boy, she's looking at the man he was with, who has made a grab for the kid. But as people start to stare, he turns tail and runs, clearly trying to cut his losses.

"Maura," Jane yells, pointing at the little boy as she runs after the Man. "Boston Police, STOP RIGHT NOW."

Maura kneels down instinctively, pulling the tiny little figure to her. "shhh," she says as he heaves against her. "Are you alright?" She's feeling for bone breaks and abnormalities even as she holds him, medical training kicking in along with something deeper, more primal. He shivers against her, as her hands feel at his ribcage, and when she pulls back, he's looking at her with huge and petrified eyes.

"It's okay," Maura says immediately. "I'm not going to hurt you. Are you alright?"

Silence.

She tries again, "What's your name?"

Nothing.

"Was that man with you your daddy?"

An almost imperceptible shake of the head. Maura nods, "okay." She looks around her at the passing crowds, none of whom seem very interested in her other than to look mildly annoyed that she is blocking the flow of traffic. Jane has disappeared. She looks at the boy in front of her, and realizes with a jolt, that they probably think that she's his mother. He's blonde and blue eyed, freckly and very, very skinny. She picks him up and he burrows into her, starting to cry. "mommy." He says sadly.

Maura starts to walk in the direction Jane has gone. A moment ago she was wondering what it would feel like to have a child in her arms. Now she feels as though she's stepped into the deep end of a pool without realizing. She needs Jane there to ground her.

A siren suddenly blares out of the mall speakers, harsh and sharp like an air horn, and the little boy jumps and wraps his arms around her neck even tighter.

"Okay…okay, it's okay." She says stopping.

"ATTENTION. ALL PERSONS WILL PROCEED TO THE NEAREST EXIT IMMEDIATELY, NO EXCEPTIONS. ATTENTION ALL PERSONS…" Maura's phone buzzes in her pocket. Shifting the tearful little boy slightly, She pulls it out.

_U R exception. Have boy? Go to food crt now. Don't give boy to anyone.J._

* * *

"Is he hurt?"

Maura hasn't heard Jane approach her, but she manages not to jump. The little boy in her arms clings tighter as she turns. She gives him a gentle squeeze, and gives Jane a meaningful look.

The entire mall has been emptied out, and the food court looks eerie without its usual throngs of teens and families. Maura was waved over by two mall security guards, one of whom produced a makeshift medical bag while the other stood aside to show her the table they'd converted into an examination table. Maura knew that Jane had had all of this done for her. That she pulled that kind of weight. She'd shown up about three minutes after Maura, four officers in tow, and had barked orders at everyone, completely in charge. At one point a young woman officer who Maura recognized from the precinct had brought her kit belt over. Maura saw Jane relax as she fastened it into place…Detective.

"I don't know," she says quietly. "He won't let me go."

"Hey, little man," Jane says quietly, coming around Maura's back to try and see into his face. He buries it in Maura's neck with a whimper. "mommy."

Maura feels like she might pass out, and Jane seems to understand this, because she pulls out one of the hard, plastic food court chairs and guides Maura into it, then she sits down across from her.

"name?" she mouths, and Maura gives a shake of her head.

"Nothing" she mouths back.

Jane sighs.

The little boy sniffs against her shoulder, and Maura shifts a little. "Honey?" she moves to pull him away, but he redoubles his efforts to hold onto her.

"No!"

"It's okay, sweetheart. You don't have to let go, I just want to look at you."

She's able to pull him away from her enough to look down at his face, freckly and tearstained.

"Hi there darling," Maura says, examining his bone structure, feeling the size of him in her arms.

"Oh, you're a little older than I thought, aren't you," she says, glancing at Jane. "Four, maybe?"

The little boy nods, and his hand wanders to Maura's neck to play with her necklace. Now that he realizes that no one is going to remove him. He's curious.

"What's your name, sweetheart?"

The little boy's blue eyes fill with tears, "don't have one –nymore." He says, his voice quavering.

Maura sees Jane's hands curl into fists.

"How come?" Maura asks.

"Man says dogs don't zerve names."

Maura feels anger burn her insides, but she forces herself to stay calm and relaxed. "The man you were with?"

A tear falls onto her lap. The little boy nods, pushing his head back into the crook of her neck.

"How long were you with him, sweetheart?" Now that he is talking, Maura wants to get Jane as much information as she can.

"long."

"How many times did you sleep?"

"Lots."

"More than ten?"

"Lots more."

Jane shuts her eyes for a moment, and Maura knows that she's trying to keep control. Trying to treat this like a case, and not like a day off turned nightmare. Jane opens her eyes and looks at Maura, "I need him to talk to me," Jane mouths.

"Guess what, baby," Maura says quietly, visited by a sudden inspiration, he looks up at her. "This is my friend, Jane. And she took the man you were with away. She's a police officer, and she took him away, and he'll never get at you again."

The boy turns his head to look at Jane, and Maura sees the detective's heart break.

"Leese men have badges," he says quietly.

Jane nods eagerly, reaching to her side slowly. "Yes, we do, buddy, you're right. Look." She pulls out her badge, and the little boys eyes widen. "Here," Jane hands it to him, and he holds it carefully, like it might break.

"So…you're a good guy?"

Jane nods.

"Man has a leese uniform, but he's not a good guy."

Jane's jaw clenches and Maura wills her to keep her cool. "'m sorry I yelled out." He continues, still inspecting Jane's badge, leaning back into Maura, "I thought you was mommy. Man's gonna be super mad."

Maura rubs his tiny shoulder, "No, he's not, remember? Jane took him away. Forever." she looks at Jane, who appears to be thinking hard.

"Your mommy looks like Maura?" Jane says.

"think so," he says, reaching up idly to put his tiny fingers on the doctor's jaw. Now that Maura has introduced them, he seems not to mind responding. "Maura," he says softly. Then he looks at the detective. "Jane."

"That's right, very good. Can you look at Maura for me, honey?" Jane says quietly, pulling her chair closer. The boy waits until she stops moving, his eyes nervous, and then does as she asks. "Okay. Don't look away from her. Imagine that's your mommy, and you're about to get into bed, okay?"

A nod, his blue eyes fixed on Maura's face.

"She bends down. She tucks you in. And she says…"

The boy smiles. "Nigh nigh lucky lukas. I love you so much."

"Lukas," Maura says, her voice constricted.  
Jane smiles, reaching out to ruffle his hair, he flinches, but allows her touch."Good boy."

Jane stands, and Lukas leans back against Maura watching her get up. "you goin?"

"Yeah, I have to go tell my partner your name so that he can start looking for your Mommy and Daddy."

"Step daddy."

Jane nods, filing this information away. "Okay."

Lukas reaches out to her, asking to be picked up, and Jane bends to lift him, looking at Maura uncertainly. He snuggles into her arms, trying several different positions before finding a comfortable place for his head. "You's not soft, Jane." He says matter-of-factly.

Jane chuckles. "Sorry, bud."

"You's prolly pretty safe though," he says, yawning. "Mommy says, hard things is safe to hide under and hit with." Jane swallows hard, and Maura watches her struggle to shut her emotions down. "Here, sweetheart," she says, and Maura can only hear the tremor in her voice because she knows her girlfriend so well. "Go with Maura now, okay?"

"Be back soon," He says, curling into Maura's arms.

Jane turns away, "So soon."

* * *

When Jane returns with the social worker, Lukas is half asleep in Maura's arms. "tetive Jane." He says sleepily. "Maura's best friend." Maura blushes slightly as Jane raises her eyebrows. She's been telling the little boy stories to keep him calm.

Jane smiles at her,"Hey there, little man. I brought someone to meet you." She sits down next to Maura, "This is Stacey. She's gonna take you-"

But Lukas cries out, locking his arms around Maura's neck. "NO!"

Maura rubs his back gently, "sweetheart," she tries, "Stacey's very nice. She's going to keep you safe until you go back to your mommy, and-" But Lukas shakes his head, turning to look at Jane, eyes locked on her face.

"NO! You're a leese man aren't you, Jane?"

Jane nods.

"Then Imma stay with _you_. Be safe with _you. _Maura says you're the most pr' tectingest one."

Jane swallows, "buddy-"

_"Please, Janie." _

Jane rubs her hand over her eyes, struggling. "Lukas, sit with Jane while I talk to Stacey, okay?" Maura has made her decision with Lukas' last plea.

Lukas reaches for Jane, who lifts him easily out of her arms, and Maura and Stacey walk a couple of feet away so as not to be overheard.

"Is it necessary that Lukas go with you?" Maura says carefully, trying to sound as though she's merely asking.

"Dr. Isles."

"They're running the newscast Nationwide at five. He'll be gone within the next twenty four. Jane and I are both CPR trained, and I have extensive psychological training."

Stacey makes an impatient gesture with her hands. "Procedure says that..."

"He's not a procedure," Maura says, feeling her anger swell a little. She points to where Lukas is standing on a food court table, telling Jane a very animated story. "He's a little boy who's been kidnapped, and abused, and who has bonded with someone who is able to care for him until he goes home."

Stacey sighs. "Every three hours that he's in your care, I need a check in."

"Of course."

"And you need to do a full, medical write up on him."

"The ones you've received in the past will pale in comparison."

Stacey nods, looking resigned. "I'm sure they will. I know your team, Dr. Isles. You and Detectives Rizzoli and Frost. You're record is as near perfect as any I've ever seen. This is not something I would have done otherwise." She hands Maura her card, already turning away.

"Thank you," Maura says.

Stacey waves in acknowledgement. "Every three hours." She calls over her shoulder.

Maura turns back to Lukas and Jane just in time to see the little boy throw his arms around the brunette's neck and burst into tears.

She hurries over, "What happened, is he-"

But Jane puts her hand out, stopping Maura, "It's okay, honey. It's okay," she says gently, lifting him off the table. "He's never going to hurt you again."

"I'm _not_ a bad boy."

"You're not a bad boy," Jane repeats, rubbing circles against his back. Her eyes dark and fierce, full of anger. "You're a good boy, with feelings and thoughts and wishes. You're a good, _good_ boy."

Lukas sobs into Jane's shoulder and Maura steps forward to wipe a tear off of Jane's cheek so she doesn't have to let go of his shaking little frame.

"I'm really tired, Jane."

Jane looks at Maura, who nods. "I know, little man. We can almost go. We just have to be on TV first."

"I'm going with you?"

"Yes," Jane says at a second nod from Maura. "But first you have to go on TV so your mommy can see your face, and know that you are okay and where to come get you."

Lukas nods against her shoulder, "Will you and Maura go on TV with me?"

"Maura will honey, okay?"

Another nod.

"okay."

* * *

"Now you know why I don't do Special Victims," Jane whispers, wrapping her hands around the coffee that Maura sets in front of her. "Too damn much."

Maura nods, "Now you know why I only work on dead people."

"What are you talking about? You've been wonderful with him." She glances into the living room where Lukas is asleep, curled around the end of the Terrarium that holds Bass the tortoise, having drifted off while muttering the story of "The tortoise and the hare," sure that Bass would, "love it."

Maura had bathed him upon arriving home yesterday night, memorizing each bruise and welt and discoloration for her medical report, trying not to cry, giving in and laughing as Lukas recreated the sinking of a ship with a plastic cup she'd used to wash his hair.

"It's been difficult." She says now, and Jane, sitting on a stool at the breakfast bar, opens her arms so that Maura can step into her embrace. "He's so…small." _And not ours._

Jane nods, shifting as her phone buzzes to answer it and keep one arm around her girlfriend. "Rizzoli."

Maura feels Jane tense and pulls away.

"What is it?"

"Yes sir," Jane says, "That's wonderful news. Thank you, sir." She hangs up the phone, and when she looks at Maura, the doctor knows that "wonderful news" for anyone else, is going to be devastating news for her.

They've had Lukas now for 47 hours, Maura ticking each one off, keeping track of when she needed to call the social worker, of when to ask the four year old if he needed to go the bathroom, was he hungry, do you want to hear how big tiny Bass is going to grow? Jane had brought him home some clothes, but had not engaged past what was necessary. She was protecting herself, Maura knew, something she could not force herself into when it came down to those hopeful blue eyes.

It's not that she's deluded herself into believing that Lukas would stay with them, it's that she doesn't want to give up the experience. The tiny hands grasping at her fingers or the way his head rests on her shoulder.

"When?" she asks turning away so that Jane doesn't see the water in her eyes.

"They're an hour out. They're coming from Pennsylvania."

"Maur-"

"I'm gonna go wake him, okay? Tell him that they're on their way."

"Maura," Jane stands, holding her back, enfolding her in her arms from behind, pressing a kiss to the place behind her ear.

"Jane," Maura doesn't think she can stand it, doesn't think she can handle anything that Jane is going to say to her. If she understands what this is about, if she can read Maura that well, but doesn't want what she wants, Maura doesn't want to hear it right now.

And if she doesn't understand, Maura doesn't want to hear it. Ever.

"He's not ours, Maur." Jane whispers against her ear. "Baby…I-"

But Maura pulls away, hurrying into the living room and kneeling down next to the little boy, swiping her hand over his forehead. His eyes open immediately, but he doesn't move. His expression goes from disoriented to calm quickly and he smiles up at Maura, raising his arms.

She picks him up, moving to the couch, and as she sits, he settles in pressing is ear against her chest.  
"I've got some wonderful news," Maura says, deliberately not looking at Jane's silhouette in the kitchen door. "Your mommy and your step daddy are coming here. They are on their way right now, and they are so excited to see you."

Lukas considers this information with a calm and placid face. "How long its been, Maura?"

"Since you've seen your mommy? About five months."

"did they get a new Lukas?"

Maura frowns, "No, darling. You're their only baby. They've been looking for you every day since you left."

Lukas looks to where Maura knows Jane is standing. He smiles in the way that Maura knows is in response to a grin from Jane. She's infectious.

"I wish I could go with mommy and Kurt, _and_ stay here with Jane and you." He says simply. "I wanna watch bass grow up."

Maura opens her mouth to speak, but what comes out is a sob. Lukas looks at her, alarmed, but Jane comes quickly, picking him up and turning him upside down. He squeals in delight, And Maura gets up quickly, heading into the kitchen with her hand over her mouth.

"You gonna miss me?"

"Holy cow, so much," she hears Jane say, and the tremor is back, under her light and casual tone.

"Can I visit?"

"Most definitely."

"Jane?"

"mm," Maura goes to stand in the doorway, where she can see the brunette, cross legged on the couch, little tow headed boy settled in her lap.

"You gonna save other lukases from bad men?"

Jane pauses. "My job is to save people from bad guys, yeah."

Lukas looks a little dejected. "oh."

"But you know what?"

"whut"

"Not one of them, is gonna be another Lukas."

Maura turns away, a fresh wave of tears rolling down her cheeks.

* * *

"Maura."  
"Don't, Jane."

"So we're just supposed to not talk about it? We're just supposed to pretend that nothing is different? Like you don't cry every time we pass a playground or a-"

"_Shut up_, Jane," Maura snaps a pillow case right side out with such force that it makes a sound like a whip.

It is Sunday.

Lukas has been gone for three days.

"Baby, I want-"

"Well I don't." She turns her back on her girlfriend, hoping that her body language is sufficient enough to keep her away. It must be, because a moment later she hears Jane's sock feet padding away, and the sound of the TV flipping on in the living room.

Maura sits down on the end of the bed and runs her fingers through her hair. The truth is that she is _desperate_ to have this conversation with Jane. She can think of nothing other than babies. At night, when she falls asleep, her dreams are populated by tiny little replicas of the detective. They jump off swings and ride bikes down the sidewalk. They turn and look at her, and call her mama.

But they also get stolen, and broken. Show up on her examination table cold and lifeless. They're laughing and smiling at her, and then they have vanished, and she is calling and calling for them, spinning on the spot like a panicked, useless top.

Her children, missing. Her children, found dead.

And Jane. If Maura is worrying about the safety of their potential children, what would it do to Jane? And what would it do to Maura, and these lovely, make believe children if something were to happen to Jane.

How could she survive it with a constant little brunette clone to take care of?

She wakes from these nightmares in pieces, pillow already soaked with tears, Jane's arms wrapped tightly around her. "It's okay. We're okay. I'm right here." Baby fever is turning into an actual fever, complete with aches and pains.

Her clothes are scratchy.

Her head is always hot.

"Maura." Jane's back outside the door.

The doctor feels an irrational anger. "_What, _Jane?"

"There's been a stabbing at the Prison in Worcester…I can call Pike…"

"God, no." Maura rubs her eyes. "Give me five minutes."

There's a pause, but Maura doesn't hear Jane move away. She gets up and pulls the bedroom door open on a very worried looking Jane. She sighs, pulling Jane into an embrace.  
"Maura, I love you so much, honey." Jane says against her neck.

"I know. I know, I'm sorry. It's just very difficult for me to reconcile my feelings with logic."

She feels Jane smile into her hair, and lets out an exasperated sigh, "Don't make fun of me."

"I'm not." The detective presses her lips to Maura's neck. "Let me help." She murmurs.

Maura pulls away. "We have a case."

"Tonight. Maura, Please. We can talk about this. _Don't shut me out_."

Maura sighs, not missing that the plea is one she's usually making of Jane. She opens her closet, looking for a pair of heels that won't clack as loudly on the linoleum of the prison ward.

"Tonight."

* * *

**Holy Moly, this chapter realllly got away from me in terms of length...maybe it should be a one shot? I'm not above removing it and giving ya'll a lighter descent into Remember me. But the three (that's right, THREE) Remember Me chapters have a fair amount of baby stuff in them and I wanted you to see both women as potential parents...gah. review this, will you? PM or in the comments section. I'm really interested to know what you think. **

**J.m pack, kimberlyannpossible, anyfey(awesome handle!) welcome! Thank you! Cstarj...I...you...gah. Read the next one and then come back at 42 for the happy. The next chapter will be fluffy the two after that. no so much. **

**Jobee, davis, charliethecag, julez, ts, thank you a million trillion. it makes me feel soo good to know you enjoy. **

**Fallenaustin, GO TO BED. what the heck. my fic is not going anywhere. ya crazy. but thank you for the compliment that is your exhaustion. I can't tell you what it means.**

**Update tonight! for those of you tracking drama, we've got a chapter of fluff next, two of Remember Me type drama, and then a longer stretch of happy. about 4 chapters worth. **

**hope you'll stick around. I'm loving sharing this with you!**

**happy reading**

**t.c.**


	41. Chapter 40

_Dear Detective Rizzoli and Dr. Isles, _

_The words thank you don't even begin to cover the respect and gratitude my wife and I feel towards you. When Lukas was taken from that park, It was the worst day of our lives, and as the months dragged on, it looked less and less like we were ever going to hold our precious little boy again. _

_He's sitting here next to me as I write this, and he wants to make sure to tell you to say hi to Bass and Jo Friday, whom he has told us all about. He also told us all about remembering his name and going on TV. The lengths you both went to to returning him to us, and the comfort and safety you provided during the time he was with you is something that we will never forget, and we will make sure Lukas does not forget either. Please know that he is home safe, adjusting well, and truly and completely loved here with us. I'm including a picture of him from his welcome home party last week, and he drew you "very special" picture on the the back of this. _

_Take care, and remember you have family here in Williamsport if you should ever be in Pennsylvania. _

_Yours Sincerely, _

_Michael, Katherine and Lukas Brody_

...

Maura is crying by the second line, tracing the picture that Jane hands her as she looks up. "Look at how happy he is," Jane says softly, pulling the medical examiner against her. "Korsak gave it to me this morning. I tried to come by all day, but with the murder...and Hoyt..." She runs her fingers through Maura's hair. " But it just came this morning, and I wanted us to open it together."

Maura leans against Jane, feeling exhausted. "I miss him so much. It's totally unreasonable, but I miss his little hand in mine, and his eyes looking up at me while I poured him juice," Maura buries her face in Jane's sweater, letting it soak up this new round of tears. It feels like all she's doing lately is crying.

"I miss him too, Maur. I never really saw myself as a parent, you know? What is it that Lukas said? I'm not soft."

Maura wraps her arms around Jane, smiling through her tears, "But you're safe," she says chuckling a little. "You were really great with him."

Jane smiles kissing Maura's ear.

They sit for a while, Maura pulling herself together and, Jane playing idly with Maura's fingers.

"I know you want a baby, Maura."

Maura sits up, turning to look at her girlfriend apprehensively. "Jane, we don't have to talk about this now. Hoyt is..."  
"Dying." Jane says firmly. "You said so yourself, after you pilfered his blood. Hoyt is dying and soon he will be dead and gone. And you will still want a baby."

Maura knots her hands together. "A child," she clarifies.

"A child?" Jane says curiously, "So, not a baby, then?"

Maura shakes her head, "I don't know. I hadn't...well I'd tried not to give it much thought. Obviously I find the idea of carrying your child quite wonderful, but Lukas made me think that adoption-"

"I'm sorry," Jane interrupts, holding up her hand. "Carrying my what now?"

Maura flushes but not just out of embarrassment. "Your child," she says, quietly. "I would love to give birth to _your _child, Jane. He or she would look just like you, and would most likely possess several of the traits in you that I find so attractive..." Maura trails off when she sees Jane's face. She's unsure if it is a negative or positive reaction, and she realizes after a moment that Jane might be unsure as well.

"Okay," Maura says leaning forward to kiss her girlfriend, "It appears I've given this more thought than I realized." she says.

Jane opens her mouth and then closes it again, still not speaking. and Maura starts to get a little nervous. "Oh, Jane," she says, tugging the brunette's earlobe, "We don't have to talk about this now...I just thought-"

"No," Jane says, seeming to come back to herself, "No, I'm sorry, I just...it never occurred to me that you would want...That you think that I'm..." Jane rubs her hands together. "I have lots of traits that we wouldn't want to pass on to a..." Jane looks at Maura, her eyes wide.

Maura pulls Jane towards her and kisses her again, and this time she slips her hands under Jane's shirt, her fingers playing over the fluttering abdominal muscles.

"Your bone structure, for one, is something I find very, very attractive."

"Maura," Jane mumbles, as the blonde pushes her backwards onto the couch, still kissing her. She raises her hands above her head as Maura pushes her shirt up and off. "Maura, we're supposed to be talking about babies."

"Getting aroused while talking about procreation is a totally natural response to..."  
"Nope, no. Uh uh," Jane pushes Maura away, "moment over. Thank you, doctor." She sits up in just her sports bra, Smiling when Maura kisses her shoulder.

"No, don't go," Maura tries on a pout that makes Jane laugh.

"Have you ever pouted in your life?"

Maura shakes her head as Jane relents and leans in to kiss her neck. Maura pulls away long enough to tug her own shirt off, before lying back on the couch, her eyes asking Jane to follow. The detective doesn't miss the invitation.

Her fingers wander up Maura's stomach, up her ribcage to her chest. Maura groans as Jane slips her out of her bra, replacing her fingers with her mouth, and working down, down

"Unh, Jane," Maura lifts her hips as she feels Jane's lips on her pelvic bone, a silent request for more. Jane obeys, sliding her girlfriend out of her yoga pants, and kissing back up the inside of her leg.

"We can't make a baby like this, Maura," Jane says, her breath warm and wonderful between Maura's legs.

Maura's hips spasm at the feeling and she tugs at Jane's head, trying to bring her closer.

"try." She says.

And Jane does.

...

"Okay?" Jane snuggles in beside her, and when Maura kisses her, she tastes herself on the detective's tongue.

"Wonderful." Maura trying to pull Jane closer. "You know, if you were a man, I'm sure you would be very fertile and your sperm count-"

"DO NOT, finish that sentence," Jane squawks, burying her face in Maura's shoulder, the cheek that's visible is bright red.

"I just meant. Your inability to physically provide me with a child has nothing to do..."

But Jane takes Maura's face in her hands, suddenly very serious. "You know that if I could have, if I thought it would have been better, or if he would have been happier, or safer, I would have done everything to keep that little boy for you..." Jane's eyes search Maura's face, "You know that, right, Maur?"

Realization makes Maura's eyes go wide, "Oh, Honey..."

"Because I'd do anything to make you happy, Maura. I love you so much. And watching you hate me for the past couple days...I...It's been..." Jane struggles with her words and her emotions, and looking at her girlfriend, Maura realizes that she's interpreted Maura's fear and frustration as anger. Towards _her. _She reaches out and runs a finger along Jane's jaw line so that the dark, nervous eyes look up at her.

"I am not, I was never angry at you, pretty girl. I wasn't even angry. I was just having trouble processing. It was wonderful to know Lukas, and to help him. I've just been realizing for a while now I can't picture our future without hoping for children. And when lukas came, hearing about all the things that he went through, I started to think about all the things our children might go through. I started to think about if I lost them, or they were taken from me. Or if you were taken and I had to..." Maura feels her throat go dry just thinking about it. "But I couldn't stop thinking about having a little you running around our house. I...

I want us to have children."

This last sentence escapes her lips before she can hear it in her head, and she watches Jane's face change as she says it.

She looks...terrified.

Maura feels her heart sink a little bit. "You don't want children, Jane?"

"I...I want to make you happy." Jane says after a moment. "I've never seen you happier than when you were explaining to Lukas how big Bass was going to get."

Maura feels her heart start to race. "That doesn't answer my question, Jane."

Jane sighs, "I want..." but she can't go on, and Maura feels light headed.

"It's your job," she says, dejectedly.

"No..." Jane runs a hand through her hair, "Yes. but not for the reasons you think."

Maura reaches out and smooths the worry crease in Jane's forehead. "Tell me."

"What if little...me or little you," Jane blushes, smiling slightly. "What if they hate me?"

Her voice is so earnest and genuinely scared that for a moment, Maura thinks she hasn't heard correctly.

"What?"

"What if the kid hates me?"

Maura stares. "Why on earth would you think that our-"

"Because I've _killed_ people, Maura."

"Wha-What?"

Jane puts her head in her hands. "Because I kill people Maura. it's what I do for a living," she whispers.

Maura looks at Jane, wondering if she will ever know every single part of her, if there will ever come a time when Jane is not able to surprise her. She leans forward and pulls the skinny body close to her. "Jane Rizzoli, you are the most compassionate, caring, strongest woman I know. You don't kill just anybody, honey. You're not even the type of cop who goes around looking for a fight. I've seen you put your gun down far more times then I've ever seen you use it."

Jane sighs, and Maura squeezes her, "How many arrests did you have last year?"

Jane thinks, "That stuck?"

"Yes."

"two hundred and eleven."

" How many of them were armed?"

Jane shrugs. "Maybe half? A little less."

How many people did you shoot and kill last year, Jane?" Maura asks, knowing the answer as well as she does."

Jane is silent for a moment. "Four."

"And why did you do it, honey? What were those four people doing that made you feel as though you had to kill them?"

She feels Jane take a shaky breath. "They were going to kill you, or Frost, or a woman and her son, or a little girl."

Maura nods. "I don't know how any child we have could ever hate you for saving lives," Maura whispers. "And that's what you do, honey. You save lives."

Jane kisses Maura, winding her hands in her hair and holding on. "Thank you." she says as she pulls away, but she rubs at her hands until Maura pulls them away from each other.

"You still don't know," she says looking a little crestfallen.

If Jane doesn't want to have children with her she doesn't know what she'll do. Jane sighs, thinking. And then it seems to come to her. Maura watches her face light up like someone has flipped a switch. she stands up, pulling Maura after her. "Come on," she says, looking around for her shirt. "We're going out.

Maura is surprised, "Where?"

"You'll see."

* * *

_"Jannne,"_ Maura holds tightly to her girlfriends hand.

"Just keep them shut, we're almost there." Maura feels the swish of automatic doors, and smells something rich and deep, like...wood.

"Okay," Jane says, "Open them."

Maura opens her eyes and looks around. She's surrounded by bunk beds. She spins on the spot, a little wobbly in her shock. To her right, the room leads off, and she can see racks of clothing and stuffed animals and toys, on her right, the furniture goes on, dressers and rockers and little tables.

Maura looks at Jane, her eyes wide.

Jane smiles, stepping up to her. "I don't want children that don't have any manners," Jane says quietly, "That don't know how to sit still at a table full of adults or keep their hands to themselves in fancy stores."

Maura looks up into Jane's face, waiting, "I don't want whiny kids, that don't know how lucky they are. Or kids that don't know what's happening outside their immediate world. And I definitely don't want kids," Jane points to a simple single bed, "Who would sleep in something as boring as that."  
Maura giggles, even though it is almost a whimper. Jane puts her hand on Maura's cheek, "I don't want kids right this moment, tomorrow or the day after that, because I want to finish discovering you. I want to know you inside and out, and I want to marry you, and I want Bass to get big enough that a four year old couldn't step on him and kill him without knowing he was there."

Jane pulls Maura to a bunk bed that has a tent set up on it so that it looks like a rocket ship. "I want kids who want to sleep in that," She says, wrapping her arm around Maura's waist.

Maura tries to speak, but Jane's words are overwhelming her. _I want to know you inside and out. I want to... _She's buried the lead, Maura realizes. Hidden the important part in a joke about Bass.

"I-I" Maura struggles hard against her tears, trying to focus on Jane's hand in the small of her back. Her long fingers tapping a reassuring pattern. Then she looks up at Jane and realizes that her girlfriend hid that sentence away on purpose. _I want to marry you _is just as important as _I want Bass to get big enough. _Just as important as _I want to know you inside out._

Maura looks at the bunk bed, letting her head fall onto Jane's shoulder.

"Does it come with different types of set ups?" she asks finally, "I want kids who don't limit themselves to just wanting to be astronauts."

She pulls Jane over to a faux room set up, pointing at an easel. "I want to teach our children how to paint." she says, placing a kiss on Jane's cheek. "But first I want to take you to Europe, because everyone should see the Louvre on their honeymoon. And I want to teach Jo Friday to roll over, and I want to hear you play the piano. Just for me."

Maura can tell that Jane has heard her, based on the tiny smile that creeps over her features.

"Jane," she says, turning so that they are face to face. "Are you..."

"I love you, Maura Isles. I love you so much. And it's never been anyone else, it's always been you. I didn't used to think I wanted this, but..." Jane points to a mahogany dresser, "I can see that dresser," she points again, "And that bunk bed, and that chair and that easel. When I close my eyes and think about our future, I can see those pieces, in our home. with our family."

Maura really is crying now. And when Jane kisses her, she closes her eyes, and feels her heart stop.

She can see it too.

* * *

**Written for FallenAustin. Happy Birthday! Your comments make my life. **

**Here's some fluff for our ladies. **

**15 more chapters to go you guys! Can you stand it? It feels like only yesterday I was writing the draft for Chapter 1. **

**You are all wonderful. I hope you'll keep reviewing and reading, right up to the end. **

**Happy reading**

**t.c.**


	42. Chapter 41

**GUYS: YOU DO NOT HAVE TO READ THIS CHAPTER. IT IS REMEMBER ME BUT IT IS AU AND IT IS NOT LIKE THE SHOW AT ALL. IF YOU HAVE TRIGGERS, JUST SKIP IT. I SWEAR TO GOD, IT'S OKAY. I AM WARNING YOU NOW. YOU CAN SKIP THIS CHAPTER AND JUST SAY IN YOUR OWN HEAD "and then some bad stuff happened AND THEN JUST READ CHAPTER 42 WHEN IT COMES. THIS IS YOUR WARNING. VERY DARK. VERY SAD. TRIGGER WARNING.**

**(no one get's raped, okay? i'll put that out there if that's where you draw the line. it doesn't happen.)**

* * *

Her sight comes back to her first, with her sense of hearing returning sluggishly behind it. It's like coming up from being underwater.

She tries to move. Nothing.

_Hoyt. _

Maura remembers with a feeling like being hit by a truck.

_But he was restrained. _

No. No he wasn't. He'd only been pretending and then he'd reached out and grabbed Jane.

_Jane._  
Her mind screams, but her body stays perfectly still, neural pathways still flooded with conflicting information, rendering it useless. She tries to guess the voltage used by the length of time it's taking for her to recover. For a twitch to happen anywhere.

"Bring her here." Hoyt's voice is right out of her line of vision. She hears the guard grunt as he lifts Jane to her feet pulling her towards Maura's hospital bed. "No, no no," Jane's words come in short breaths, like a chant, growing louder as she's dragged closer.

"You get to look at her one more time, Jane. While she's still breathing, whiles she's still, relatively unharmed. Do you want to see her?"

Jane's face swims into view. Maura sees her eyes widen in terror. She wants to reach out, to say that it's okay. That it's all going to be okay. But she can't move.

She feels something drip down her neck, and she knows that it is blood from the incision he's made on her neck. She knows that he has made it deep enough that it won't be able to clot by itself, but shallow enough that it might take close to an hour.

"Maura, mauramauramaura," Tears fall onto her face. Jane's tears.

And blood.

Jane's blood.

Maura hears her name fall from Jane's lips like one long tape reel and she has never heard Jane's voice like this, so frantic and hurried. As though she's aware that they do not have a lot of time, but she can't do anything but say the doctor's name.

Like a plea.

Like a prayer.

She doesn't know if it is the effects from the tazer or the fact that Jane is crying so hard that she is unable to separate her words.  
Hoyt nods at his newest apprentice, and Mason lowers Jane to the bed, next to Maura, shoving her face towards Maura so that she is close enough to press her lips to the doctor's temple. "I don't do this for a lot of my victims Jane. But you and your doctor have touched my heart so much. And you in particular have fought so bravely."

She shouldn't give in. She shouldn't take bait that Hoyt is offering her, but she does. She kisses Maura's temple and she whispers into her ear. "Maura, I love you so much. I love you…hold on, baby, please. Just…hold on."  
Jane's voice vibrates inside her head as her electroshocked brain tries to make sense of the words,

_loveImuchyouholdmauraloveyou i loveyou I love you._

_hold. on. _

And then Jane is gone. Pulled away from her with one, long, awful scream. "_NO." _

"You are doing very well detective. Other men before you barely acknowledged their wives, so intent were they on pleading for their own lives, explaining all the reasons that _they_ should live. What would you call that kind of love, detective? So Fickle. But yours…I would cry, if it wasn't so wonderful."

Maura doesn't know if Jane is fighting, but she prays that she is. She prays that she's fighting as hard as she can and that the apprentice makes a mistake and knocks her unconscious.

She prays that when Jane wakes up she is already gone, that it is already over, that Jane misses it and slips into oblivion after her.

This is the prayer she sends up to a God she doesn't believe in.

_Please God, do not let her see this._

_Whatever happens, if I live or if I die… Please do not let her watch him rape me. _

But even as she lets this thought drift out into nowhere, she knows it is a futile one.

She's read Hoyt's case files, seen him play act at the deepest of emotions, felt the sick swoop of dread that happened when she realized he'd gotten under her skin.

Hoyt likes to torture couples, and Jane's lips on her temple…That's all the proof he needs.

...

Maura sees Hoyt twirl the scalpel once over her before bending down and slicing her dress open in one straight diagonal line, from shoulder blade to hip blade. He does not nick her skin once.

Maura wishes she could close her eyes.

Maura wishes she didn't feel a rush of awe, even as she knows that he is going to kill her, at the sureness of his hand.

"Hello, Doctor Isles," He says, and she feels his breath in her ear. "You did a wonderful job too. Cried in all the right spots, begged me not to hurt her. Just like a wife should. Have you learned to mimic human emotion that well, or does Jane really awaken those feelings inside you?"

He slides his hand over her stomach, peeling the fabric back like a skin and Maura feels goose bumps. "I'm going to let my new protégé here do the actual penetrating. Surely you know what chemotherapy does to a man's sex drive." He slips her ruined dress of her shoulders. "Don't worry, though. We'll be right by your side the whole time. Watching."

Maura's hand twitches. She feels her _hand _twitch…and her eyes swing upward to look at Hoyt.

She feels almost powerful as her neural pathways swing back under her control. Almost.

Hoyt smiles. "thirteen minutes, Doctor," he says quietly, running his finger over her knuckles. "The fastest recovery I've ever had."

He turns away from her, and Maura is able to sweep the room with her eyes.  
Jane. Held down, facing away from her, not moving.

The apprentice. Leering.

The cold metal of the hospital room and the heavy metal prison door.

No one is coming.

No one can hear them.

Mason comes now, sitting her up so that her head lolls on her neck like a rag doll until he props her against the wall.

"Your turn, detective," Hoyt says, and he sits her up too, scalpel pressed firmly against her throat.

Hazel eyes meet Brown.

Then Jane's eyes flick over to Mason, unbuttoning his shirt, and her eyes widen.

"Feel free to beg, Jane. I'm sure that Mr. Mason here will find it to be quite the stimulus."

Jane's face is nothing but terror. There's no anger or fight or strength. It's just pure and unadulterated fear as she understands what is going to happen, and what she is going to have to see. Maura feels tears dripping steadily down her cheeks, knows that by the time she regains full control of her body, that fighting will be futile, but that she will probably do it anyway.

Hoyt's intent all all along.

"No, no. no. me. Please. Please, me. Please," Jane is begging, and Hoyts eyes are closed like it's the most beautiful sound he's ever heard in his life. Maura wonders if Jane thought this wouldn't happen. If she thought that Hoyt would simply kill her and have done with it. Now Hoyt bends down to her ear, speaking so he can be heard above her sobs, "_I win, Jane."_

Maura locks eyes with her brunette again, "No. Maura. Maura. No. Please. Me. Please. Don't hurt her. Please." The words fall from her lips even as her eyes bore into Maura's face, and the doctor forces, by sheer willpower, to make her lips move. Just one word.

_Love. _

It's enough.  
Something happens to Jane's face. It darkens and hardens and with one violent, desperate heave, Jane rips her right hand free from the plastic restraint.

Maura sees the bones in Jane's hand snap. She watches the delicate wrist distend, and the tiny bones that make up her fingers crush in on themselves as Jane wrenches her hand up and out of the plastic binding. She hears Jane cry out, a sharp swift scream, as her hands break free and she whips her uninjured hand around.

She watches Jane's other hand, the one with the restraint now dangling loosely around the wrist fly back, her elbow catching Hoyt in the temple.  
Mason turns, but he's not fast enough. Jane gets to the tazer first, pressing the button and ramming it against his chest so hard that they both fall, him backwards, and her forwards into the hard concrete wall of the room.

"You. Fucking. Bastard." Jane leaves the tazer against his chest for far too long, and it buzzes and buzzes until it runs out of juice, and Mason slides down the wall.

"Jah." Maura needs to tell her that she's losing blood rapidly now. That the world is starting to fog and close in on her, but her body is still not responding right.

Jane turns, chest heaving, towards Maura, but Hoyt is there.  
And he has not let go of his scalpel.

When they crash out of sight, Maura is unable to turn her head to see what is happening, but it doesn't matter. She's about to lose her battle with consciousness. She closes her eyes, finally. _Finally_.

And there's her beautiful girlfriend. Fifteen and covered in dust and sweat and running at her full force, her arms open wide. _We won Maur. We won! We're champions. _

"Jane."

And there she is. Adult and alive and walking towards her, dressed to the nines, eyes only fixed on her.

And again. Turning to look back at her as they run up Deadman's hill. _Maura! C'mon. Maura!_

Was that a gunshot? Two?

Whose hands are these? They are bigger and darker than Jane's. She wants _Jane's _ hands. And no one else's.

"Jane."

She says, and maybe she imagines the response, for the darkness presses in completely now.

_Maura._

* * *

_Get to Maura. _

There is only one thought in her brain. It pushes everything else away to the side. The pain in her neck from Hoyt's scalpel, the way her fingers have already begun to throb from the restraint around her wrists. There's nothing. Just the buzz of the tazer against Maura's dress and then that one, single thought. _Get to Maura._

And get to her in one piece so that you can get her away from here. Or get her out of here and come back and let Hoyt drag you down into oblivion. Let him finish the job he's been trying to finish for over a year now.

...

_I never want you to shoot yourself again. _

_Never._

...

Jane opens her eyes.

No. She's going to kill Hoyt and this fucking asshole of an apprentice, and she's going to take her girlfriend home.

"Hello Jane." Hoyt's back by her. The scalpel pressed gently against the uncut side of her neck. She knows that one wrong move means her life, and Maura's life and so she stays still.

"I'm going to kill you, Charles." She snarls through her teeth. "I'm going to end what little time you have left."

_..._

_I need you to do something for me. _

_Anything. _

_Don't let Hoyt in your head._

_Jane…_

_I mean it Maura. This wild goose chase he's got us on…I won't do it. I'm not doing it unless I know that you're not going to let him in. He's in enough of our relationship. He's got enough of my head. Promise it._

_I promise._

...

"I don't think you are Jane. I might be dying, but I know all your weaknesses. Even your greatest one."

"You don't know anything about me."

"You haven't forgotten, have you Jane? The first time we met?"

Jane tenses. And she feels Hoyt smile.

"I had you spread out there. A beautiful specimen then too," he adds, "And who did you call out for? When you thought you were going to die? Who did you beg for then?"

...

_Maura. Maura. Help me.  
who is Maura, Jane _

_It hurts…it hurts. _

_Don't worry. It will be over soon_.

...

Jane feels her body go cold. Her brain jumps to the conclusion, but she tries to push it away. _No. He just wants to kill you. He would never…_ "Don't you touch her."

"Oh_ I'm_ not going to touch her. Well…not in the way you mean, anyway. Your turn detective."

And he pulls her around and sits her up, and there's Maura. Her beautiful, smart, wonderful doctor, half naked. Paralyzed.

Jane looks in to her eyes, looking for any sign of anything. They stay unfocused and cold. Movement in the corner makes her look around.

Mason is unbuttoning his shirt.

"No."

...

_Jane. I'm not going to do this if-_

_Please, Maura, take me away from him. I don't want to belong to him anymore. Make me yours._

_..._

Everything is gone. Every smile, every touch, every cup of coffee and Sunday morning crossword puzzle finished in ten minutes. Everything is gone. Is burning in front of her as Jane watches Maura's eyes focus a little, and look at her. She doesn't hear herself begging anymore, doesn't care about the order of the words coming out of her mouth or what she is saying, what she is offering in return for her girlfriend's life.

And then.

Maura Isles tries to smile at her. And Jane watches her focus all her energy into her face, watches her eyes cloud over with concentration.

Her mouth moves.

One word.

_Love. _

"MAURA."

Jane pulls up and away, harder than she's ever done in her life, and she feels her wrist elongate, and slide up. and out.

If the scalpels sliding through her skin was what suffering was, then she must be dying now. It is screaming, scorching, gut wrenching pain, and she forces her mouth shut around the scream that is pulled from her throat because she is sure that she will vomit if she doesn't.

God, the pain.

She must be dying, but all she knows is that her hands are free. She's **free** and she swings the hand that has not exploded with agony around and feels her elbow connect with Hoyt's head.

_Get to Maura. _

Mason. Get the tazer. Get the tazer. Her brain is slow to process things, and suddenly she has it, and she is pushing it harder than she has ever pushed anything into the chest of the man who was going to rape her girlfriend.

He was going to... "You. Fucking. Bastard." She grinds out, dropping the useless piece of plastic when it is no longer able to cause the man any pain.

_Get to Maura. _

The woman is crumpled on the bed. Eyes slits. The cut on her neck open. Sucking the life out of her.

"Maura!"  
But Hoyt is there. Fucking Hoyt. Determined to rip everything she loves apart. Determined to have her watch while the only person she loves is tortured and killed.

Anger sends a new wave of adrenaline through her body, as she falls to the floor on top of Charles Hoyt.

Her brain pounds. Thescalpelthescalpelthe….there!

She's on top of him but all she can see is Maura. All she can hear is Maura, crying out to help her save her come get her.

_Get. To. Maura. _

Count one two three ribs up. Where Maura taught you how to do the most damage.

Plunge it in.

End this.

"I WIN. And you're going to hell alone."

...

"Jane."

Nothing but that voice could make her get up. It's so weak and tired.

"Maura."

Get to her. Curl up against her side. Ignore the gun shot. (two?)

Focus on her heartbeat. Small, and thready.

But there.


	43. Chapter 42

Maura wakes in a panic, flat on her back, her pulse pounding painfully in her neck. For one long moment, she thinks that nothing has changed. That she is back in the prison hospital, awake by some awful miracle. But everything is quiet.

_Where is Jane?_

The the sound of a heart monitor speeding up makes her look around, and she realizes that it's connected to her. That her racing heart is making it beep so quickly. She tries to calm herself, focus on her breathing, but her thoughts loop around in her head, swirling and doubling back to the same thought, over and over again.

_Where is Jane? Where is Jane? Why is she not by my bedside. _

Maura tries to sit up, and the world spins around her, making her fall back against the pillows. She raises a hand to her neck, feeling tape and gauze under her fingers.

Hoyt.

Maura closes her eyes, trying to remember how the nightmare had ended. She is visited by the image of Jane wrenching her hand out of the restraints and the heart rate machine begins to squawk, pulling a nurse into her room.

_Where is Jane? _She can't remember anything except the look on Jane's face when Maura had tried to say "I love you."

"Dr. Isles, you shouldn't be sitting up yet. You've had a tremendous amount of electricity pumped into your..."

"Where is Jane?"

"...Dr. Isles the attending on your case should be coming right in now that he knows you're awake, and he'll be able to-"

"Detective Jane Rizzoli. She would have been brought in with me. At the same time. Where is she? Is she alright?"

"...Ma'am I can't tell you."

"I know you know something, and if you think I'm going to just sit around and wait because of some ridiculous rule that says..."

"Dr. Isles, I need you to calm down, in your condition, with those stitches at such a tender place on your-"  
"If you don't bring me to Jane right now, I swear to God you will never work in this hospital or in this State again. _Where _is she?" Maura knows that she sounds crazy, she can hear herself, but she also cannot stop the panic rising inside her at the absence of her detective. If Jane was okay, she would be by her bedside, grinning at her as she woke up and making some joke that was both funny, and too soon. And Maura would laugh, but it would hurt.

"You know, you'd better tell her something. She means it," A deep gentle voice comes from the doorway, and Maura snaps her head around.

It's Barry Frost, and he looks distinctly worse for the wear. His white collared shirt is covered in blood, as are the knees of his pants.

"Barry," Maura says, eyes wide as she takes in his appearance, "Jane-"

"Is alright, Maura. She's alright. She just got out of surgery for her hand, and they're going to bring her down as soon as they can."

He comes and sits by the edge of her bed, taking her hand. His palms are large and rough and dark, and Maura realizes that it's his hands she felt as she drifted into unconsciousness.

"Her hand..."

"She pretty much snapped all the god damn bones in it getting that restraint off." Barry shakes his head, his expression bordering on reverence.

"But she's"

"she's okay. The ER doctors had to sedate her to get her away from you when they brought you two in. She's upstairs and Frankie says she's yelling her head off for you too. Threatened to arrest almost everyone who has come into her room that isn't you."

Maura feels her anxiety recede a little. She reaches out and lays her hand on his shoulder. "You came," she says.

Frost nods, understanding. "Me and Korsak, Mason left his fingerprint on the bail money," He looks at her, "But you didn't need us. We got there in time to put Mason down as he tried to get up, but Jane got Hoyt."

Maura lets this sink in. _Jane got Hoyt. _

"He's dead?"

"DOA," Barry says, clenching his jaw.

Maura gives him a squeeze. "Frost, go home. Change your shirt. Get some sleep."

"Maura," Barry takes her hand, "I shouldn't have let you guys go in there alone...I shouldn't have"

Maura puts her hand up. "Barry," she says gently, "No one's blaming you for this in the slightest."

"So...we're okay? We're still..."

Maura melts a little, "Friends," she says, squeezing his hand. "The best."

Frankie wheels her in, and Maura hears her sharp intake of breath before she opens her eyes.

"Jane," she says, turning her head and opening her eyes.

Jane is already attempting to stand, and it speaks to how eager she is to be next to her girlfriend that she lets Frankie help her out of the low riding chair. She's unsteady on her feet, something that Maura has never seen before, and she makes no complaint when her brother lifts her gently up onto the bed beside Maura.

"Thank you, brother," She says quietly.

Frankie nods, his eyes lingering on his sisters cast, on the deep circles under her eyes. "I'm gonna call Ma, okay Jane?"

"Yeah," Jane says tiredly, "Frankie, see if you can get her to come-"

"Tomorrow," Frankie says chuckling. "I'll do the best that I can."

"Thank you."

"I'll see you soon, Janie."

"I love you, Frankie."

Frankie smiles awkwardly, "Jeeze, Janie, you're not dying..." he says nervously.

"Ugh. Get out of here you asshole," Jane says, and Frankie fakes hurt, but Maura can tell he's more relieved. That this sentence is much more like the sister he knows.

Jane tries to make herself comfortable next to her girlfriend.

"I have to be on your left side. because of this." the cast is dark green, running from underneath her elbow and incasing two of her four fingers as well as her thumb. her arm is strapped to her body with an ace bandage, but it doesn't stop her from snuggling up to Maura, turning in and burying her head in the crook of Maura's arm.

"I don't care," Maura says quickly, wrapping her arm around the skinny frame and listening as the heart monitor slows to a steady beat. Maura lets out a breath she didn't know she was holding, reaching to run a hand along Jane's cheek bone.

"I thought I was going to lose you," Jane murmurs against her shoulder. "I thought I was going to lose you."

Maura nods, feeling the lump in her throat.

"Is this a dream?" Jane asks sleepily. "Are we dead?"

Maura slides further down in the bed to kiss Jane's forehead. "I do not believe there is pain in the afterlife. And I am still in pain."

Jane nods against her. "Me too."

Maura ghosts her fingers over the plaster cast incasing Jane's arm and hand.

"I broke three fingers, dislocated my thumb and snapped my wrist in two places," she says quietly.

Maura sighs, "I think that pain is going to be with you for a while, then."

Jane opens on eye and looks up at Maura, "I had to get to you."

"I know, baby."  
"He was going to..." Jane's body tenses against Maura.  
"Shh. He didn't," Maura says quickly, pulling Jane closer to her. "He didn't."

"Maura I want to stay here, with you."

"Okay." Maura doesn't need Jane to convince her. She can already feel herself falling towards sleep, fingers wrapped tightly around a fold of Jane's shirt.

"Maura," Jane is mostly asleep, "I had to get to you. I had to..."

"I know," Maura says, speaking becoming harder and harder. "and you did."

* * *

They discharge Jane the next day, and tell Maura she has to spend one more night. Jane has just finished loading herself into the wheelchair when they give her the news, and as Maura leans back against the pillow, Jane starts to get back up, body stiff.

"You should go home sweetheart," Maura says half heartedly, as Jane climbs slowly back into her bed.

"No." Jane says simply, curling into Maura.

"You know your mother is going to tire of taking care of Jo Friday and Bass," Maura tries, but she is already reaching out to stroke Jane's hair.

"No," Jane says again, firmly, but without heat. Resolute.

Maura sighs, wrapping her arm around Jane and turning the TV on. She doesn't really want Jane to leave her side either, and when she tries to remember why she was pushing, she can't.

She tries to moves closer to Jane without hurting her, but Jane still winces as Maura presses against her arm. "I'm sorry," Maura says, but Jane shakes her head, scooting down to put her head on Maura's shoulder.

There is a knock on the door and both women look over to see Angela in the doorway, a giant bouquet of Tulips in her arms.

"Hi, Ma," Jane says quietly.

Angela sets the flowers down and comes to sit by the side of the bed. She looks from Jane to Maura and her eyes begin immediately to fill with tears.

"Oh...Ma," Jane says quietly.

Angela bursts into tears, reaching our her hands, one grasping her daughters wrist, the other latching on the Maura. "My babies. My sweet girls. I thought I'd lost you."

Jane looks taken aback, "Ma, c'mon. We're right here. We're fine."

Maura glances at Jane, who meets here eyes, and they both silently acknowledge this lie.

"When I think of what could have happened to both of you." Angela's teary expression is quickly turning to righteous anger. "You girls go out there, and you don't even think about how it's going to affect-"

"Ma, c'mon. Can you stay with the sad emotion just a little longer?" Jane snuggles down under the blanket. "At least long enough to get me some jello?" she asks, giving her best puppy dog face.

Angela huffs, but reaches out and strokes her daughter's hair.

She squeezes Maura's hand.

"I was so worried," she says quietly. I was so worried about you two."

Maura takes a deep breath, understanding that what she's about to do is not lie, but bend the truth for her family.

"Really, Angela. We're a little scratched up. But we're fine."

Jane smiles at her.

* * *

"Can you tell me what you're feeling right now?"

"Anxious," Maura knots her hands in her lap, trying to breathe steadily.

"Yes, I can see you are struggling with something. Would you like to discuss it?"

Maura sighs, trying to think of the most polite way to leave as quickly as possible.

"Dr. Isles, anything you say in this room is completely confidential. You've given me your statement, and now I would just like to check in with you. The things that you've told are not things that people get over quickly or easily."

"Yes, Dr., I'm aware of the psychological ramifications that this is going to have."

The doctor chuckles, "This is why I try not to have patients who have more training than I do." Maura looks up, surprised by his candor.

"I did not mean to undermine you in anyway," Maura begins, but the doctor waves her away.

"And I did not mean to imply that you need my therapeutic services. But if you need an ear."

Maura shrugs, unsure of how to proceed. How can she explain that she would be happy to speak to him for hours, as long as Jane is sitting next to her.

Her heart starts to race. _Where is Jane? _Maura looks around. She's not there.

"Dr. Isles?"

_Where is Jane?_

"Maura? Can you hear me?"

Maura stands suddenly. "Where is Jane?" her voice is strangled, a couple octaves too high.

The Doctor stands up too, peering at her curiously. "Detective Rizzoli is next door, speaking to another psychiatrist. Dr. Isles, can you look at me?"

No. Maura can't. She needs to see Jane.

"I need to see her."

"Okay. She's only got about twenty more minutes and then-"

"No," Maura feels her panic turn quickly to anger. "Now."

"Doctor-"

"Now."

Maura pushes the door of the little office open and peers around the waiting room. Frankie and Barry look up from their respective magazines, worried.

"You done, Maura?" Frankie says hesitantly.

"Where is Jane?" Maura knows the doctor told her a moment ago, but she can't remember now. She looks between Barry and Frankie, waiting for an answer. They just look back at her like she has three heads.

Is she not making herself clear? She feels the ground underneath her start to spin.

But a door behind her opens, and she turns quickly, knowing that it is Jane. Feeling her, smelling her before putting her eyes on her.

"Maura!"

The blonde spins, only to be enveloped in a crushing one arm squeeze. She wraps her arms around Jane's waist, and buries her head in Jane's neck, feeling the tiny scar near her trachea against her forehead.

"I-I had to get to you," Jane says quietly into her hair, and Maura doesn't know whether she means now or three days ago, but it doesn't matter. They've been away from each other for 27 minutes. the longest since they were separated at the hospital.

It is much too long for Maura's liking.

"I want to go home," Maura says. Now that she is Jane's arms, she just feels exhausted.

Jane nods. "Let's go."

They leave, hands locked together, eyes for nobody but each other.

They don't see the bewildered look on either of their doctor's faces, or Frankie and Frost following behind them, trading worried glances.

* * *

**Hi guys! Thank you so much for the reviews. I can't believe that there are more than 500. you are all so great. Ts, friendsfan, cheree, sockslost, charliethecag, you guys have read everything and stuck with me so long. thank you so much. it's wonderful to hear from you all so regularly. **

**Heatwave, davislp, cheekymonkey AE ccjlfan atufreddie, JMpack, thank you for your support around chapter 41. It was pretty intense to write. **

**ttandme69, thank you! Welcome! Hope you'll keep enjoying!**

**We're on the upswing everybody! It's gonna be a bit of a road, but I know a brunette detective that has a birthday coming up!**

**happy reading!**

**t.c.**


	44. Chapter 43

Maura wraps Jane's cast in plastic wrap, using packing tape to seal the edges. Jane hisses a little bit when she rips a piece of tape free, but doesn't flinch away.

"I'm so sorry," Maura says between gritted teeth, concentrating hard.

"I would let you amputate my arm at the shoulder if it meant I could have a shower," Jane says, smiling through her grimace. It's been two weeks, and Jane is pretty sure she could start planting grass seed in the dirt she feels accumulating on her body.

"It's the scar on my palm. It's like burning."

Maura nods, "The past trauma to your hands is aggravating the healing process. It's probably going to alternate between a burning sensation and pins and needles."

"_Great_," Jane says through a clenched jaw, as Maura rips the last piece of tape and steps back to admire her handiwork.

Her eyes wander over her girlfriend's form, tall, skinny and muscled, in just her bra and underwear, shifting nervously from foot to foot. Maura doesn't try to stop the heat creeping into the center of her stomach, it doesn't matter what happens, Jane is always going to be the most beautiful person she knows.

Jane shivers suddenly, and Maura snaps her attention back up to Jane's face.

"Come here honey, let's get you in the shower."

Jane lets Maura slip her out of her bra, and then her underwear and leads her into the bathroom. "You could get in with me," Jane says, trying to sound casual, but her darks eyes flit nervously around the bathroom.

Maura sighs. "Dr. Shapiro says we have to practice," she says, but she leaves her hand in the small of Jane's back as she reaches to turn on the water.

"I won't tell if you won't," Jane says quickly, her breath picking up.

"Jane…"

"Or you could sit in here…and we could talk."

"Honey…" Maura feels herself caving. She pulls Jane to her, realizing even as she does it that this is a bad idea. The detective presses herself against Maura, burrowing her head into her neck, trying to breathe normally.

"I don't really need a shower," she whispers, and Maura squeezes her.

"You definitely do."

"Please, Maur, we're starting separates today anyway…although I don't see why we have to go to therapy _today _of all days…We can be apart then."

Maura pulls away, the last of her resistance fading, and pulls her sweater over her head, and Jane wiggles excitedly, turning and stepping behind the curtain into the shower.

As soon as she disappears, Maura knows that she wouldn't have been able to leave anyway. She feels her chest tighten, and her stomach clench, bringing on a rush of anger and self-pity. _You stupid woman, she's right there. She's not even six feet away from you. _But without being able to see her, an ugly part of Maura's mind answers back, _How do you know?_

Maura slides out of the last of her clothes and steps into the shower. Jane is facing the spray, head tilted back, with such a look of bliss on her face that Maura can't help but smile.

She reaches her arms around the brunette from behind. Kissing her shoulder.

Jane presses back against her and she moans. She can't help it.

Jane spins and kisses her, deep and searching.

Maura moans again, "We're not supposed to do this either," she says quietly, as Jane trails kisses down her throat.  
"Remind me why?" Jane says between kisses.

"Because we might be using it as an escape, rather than a way to create intimacy and stronger-oh!" Jane bites down on her neck, causing Maura to lose her train of thought and cry out, surprised.

"I'm sorry," Jane says, stepping backwards, flipping her head so that her hair is out of her eyes and she can make eye contact. "I'm sorry."

But Maura advances on her pushing her against the wall of the shower, pressing her lips to Jane's as gently as she can while still expressing how deep her need is.

"I thought…you said…" Jane hums against her as Maura's hands trip down her body. "We shouldn't…break this rule too, right?" she says, but Maura already knows that they're going to. Everything about Jane's body language is telling her that there's no stopping now.

"I want to be close to you," Maura says, her lips right up against Jane's ear. She feels the brunette shudder. "I'm not escaping. I'm not trying to avoid conversations or push memories away with a climax, I just want to be close to you. I want to…I want to be inside you. Right now."

She pins Jane to the wall gently, pulling one of her long legs up and around her waist.

Jane groans, pushing her hips out against Maura's resistance, and Maura gasps, not just at the feeling, but at the sight of her girlfriend, arched forward and wet hair down her back. "God, you're so beautiful," she says, reaching up and pressing her hand around Jane's good wrist, securing it to the bathroom wall.

Jane's eyes flutter open.

"Maura. Don't pin my hand." She says quickly, her tone suggesting that she needs to get these words out, but that she doesn't want to ruin the moment.

Maura releases it immediately, dropping Jane's leg and leaning in to kiss her gently. "I'm so sorry, I forgot. We-"

"No," Jane swings her leg up, back around Maura's waist. "No, God…don't stop, just-"

But her sentence ends in a moan. "Mauraa," She hisses, her hips sliding into rhythm with the blonde's fingers.

This is what Maura wanted. This skin on skin, so close that there is no way to miss that Jane is with her, near her, coming apart against her and because of her. She feels the brunette's hips start to lose their rhythm and speeds up, causing Jane's head to fall onto her shoulder, where she rolls it back and forth. "Don't stop don't stop don't stop."  
Maura has no intention of stopping until she feels Jane come against her. Until she knows that every single part of her girlfriend is there and safe and whole and with her_._

"Oh, godddd," Jane shudders, falling into her climax slowly, her left hand tightening its hold on the back of Maura's head. And Maura presses her lips to Jane's neck, feeling the thrum of her heartbeat underneath her skin, alive and fast and _hers._

Jane goes limp against her, breathing hard, the muscles in her arms still twitching involuntarily. When she can stand on her own, she drops her leg and pulls Maura into a hug. "I love you."

Maura smiles, "Happy Birthday, Jane."

* * *

"_Maura," _Dr. Shapiro's voice snaps her out of her thoughts. She looks up and half smiles at the psychologist before reaching out automatically for Jane. But the place on the couch next to her is empty. Maura glances around the room, feeling her breathing hitch.

"Where's Jane?"

"She's in the waiting room, on the other side of that door," Dr. Shapiro says calmly.

"You're sure?"

Dr. Shapiro looks at her for a moment, and then reaches out and tips a little TV towards her, it's a video feed of the waiting room, Maura realizes, and she sees Jane, sitting in a chair, next Tommy, who is telling her an animated story, hands waving about.

"I wish Frankie could have come. Or Frost," the words are out of Maura's mouth before she even thinks about them.

"You don't trust Thomas?"

"He hit her," Maura says, anger shaking her voice a little.

Dr. Shapiro nods, "But he's been taking classes on anger management. You don't believe that he can change?"

"I don't want him to hurt her anymore." Maura says fiercely. She can read the tension in the way her girlfriend sits. The way her knee bounces up and down. The rest of the Rizzoli clan is at her home, setting up for Jane's birthday party. Maura sighs, wishing that the duties had been distributed differently. If Frost were here, or Frankie, they would reach out and steady Jane's fidgeting, say something to make her laugh and take her mind off of it. Seeing Jane distressed is almost worse than not seeing Jane at all.

"Who don't you want to hurt Jane anymore, Maura?" Dr. Shapiro says sharply, as though trying to get the doctor's attention.

"HOYT," Maura bursts out, ripping her eyes from the tiny little screen. "He's already taken so much from her." She stops, hearing her words for the first time as they reverberate in her head.

Dr. Shapiro is silent for a moment. "I want to go back to the moment when you tried to tell Jane that you loved her," Dr. Shapiro says, "You told me that you'd resigned yourself to the fact that Mason was going to assault you, that you were scared. Yet when it didn't happen, your strongest feeling was that of guilt. you still seem to be feeling some guilt over what Jane went through."

Maura makes an irritable movement with her shoulders. "Hoyt's MO is to target couples. To make one suffer by watching the other one be tortured."

"You were the one Hoyt was going to torture, Maura, you've said so yourself."  
"Yes," Maura says dully.

"Then why are you only focusing on Jane's trauma?"

"Because it's greater than mine. Because I know she feels like she's let me down by letting Hoyt become my nightmare too. Because her face…when she was turned towards me and realized that Hoyt didn't just want to kill her anymore…" Maura swipes at her tears, angry. "He would have raped me, and it would have hurt, but then he would have killed me, and it would have been over. But Jane would have had to watch, and then live with it for _hours…_and I _know _her. I know when she wakes up in the middle of the night in tears that she hasn't dreamed that I've died, or that Hoyt has killed me. It's _that_ part, that's killing her." Maura buries her head in her hands. "So she broke fourteen bones in her body to get to me…I made her promise to never fatally wound herself in order to save me. And she figured out how to stay true to her promise _and_ get to me. She..." Maura cannot continue, her voice muffled by her hands. "Oh God."

Dr. Shapiro waits while Maura composes herself. When she's breathing normally again, the psychologist smiles gently at her. "Maura, you have to forgive yourself for this. It's not like when you were a young adult and you chose to stay away from her. This was completely out of your control. You have to forgive yourself."

Maura sniffs, but does not respond.

Dr. Shapiro chuckles suddenly, making Maura look up. "What?"

"I think…perhaps, that you've underestimated Thomas," she says, smiling and swiveling the video feed to face Maura again.

Jane and Tommy are engaged in a furious thumb war. She watches as Tommy wins, and raises his arms in victory. Jane smiles at him, and when it's clear that her mind has started to wander again, Tommy says something that snaps her back into reality. She gives him a shove, waves a finger in his face and sticks out her hand, thumb up. They start again, Maura reading their lips easily. _One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war…_

Maura feels new tears in her eyes, for a completely different reason

* * *

The doctor wraps the leftover cake in aluminum foil, feeling Jane's eyes on her from the breakfast bar.

"You like your presents?" Maura asks, trying to hide a smile.

"I love Frankie's," the brunette replies, holding up the copy of her brothers detectives exam, a 94% in big letters on the front. "But I'm not sure when I'm ever going to use Tommy's," she holds up the ugliest sweater that either of them has ever seen.

"I don't know…" Maura tries, "It could look better on…"

Jane raises an eyebrow and Maura bursts into laughter. "I think it's sweet that he went out and _got_ you something," she says and Jane nods.

It has been a good night, full of everyone she loved, music and enough food feed a small country.

Jane and Maura sat at opposite ends of the table, as if they were both trying to make up for their rule breaking that morning, but when the group moved into the living room, Jane couldn't stop herself from settling herself against Maura on the couch.

The game of charades that they'd started then, had lasted until almost two in the morning, and Maura had called a cab for both Frankie and Barry, paying the cabbies discreetly before they drove away.

"Do you want your present from me now, Jane?"

Jane smirks, "I thought I got that this morning."

Maura runs her hand along Jane's shoulder a she passes. "Go in the living room, okay?"

"Where are you going?"

"Just to the room to get your gift, and then back," Maura says gently.

"Give me a number," Jane says. It's their newest strategy.

"Fifty five. Tops," Maura says, and disappears around the corner.

When she returns to the living room, with the box, Jane is curled on the couch.

"How long?" Maura asks.

"Only got to forty seven," she says holding out her arms. Maura sits down next to her, and hands her the box.

"I wanted to get you something that you could have with you all the time, that would remind me of you and...I don't know…keep you safe and…" Maura stops rambling and looks on nervously as Jane lifts the top off the box. Her eyes widen.

It's a new kitbelt. Made of the deepest, softest, strongest leather that Jane has ever felt in her life. There's a new holster and a new badge clip and phone holder.

"Maur," Jane breathes, running her hand over the smooth black belt.

"Turn in inside out," Maura says quietly. Jane does as she asks, and her brown eyes fill with tears as she reads the words engraved into the inside of the belt.

_Light dawns in the darkness for the upright, gracious, merciful, and righteous. I love you. –M_

"Maura…" Jane's voice is barely above a whisper, full of tears.

"You don't wear jewelry, or anything like that. And I know how unlikely you are to wear something sentimental that others can see…so I thought that this would be the safest way to make sure that I was always with you…and you always know how much I love you…"  
Jane puts the belt aside gently and pulls Maura against her. "when you wrote that to me, that New Years, I printed it out and hung it above my bed."

"I know," Maura says, remembering how she would wake up some mornings in Jane's bed, and stare up at those words, feeling happy that she had done something that touched someone else.

"Do you like it?"

"It's the best gift I've ever gotten. Ever."

Maura smiles. "I love you so much, Maur. This has been the best day…in a long time."

Maura feels her own tears, but forces them away. She's done enough crying for a lifetime.

"It doesn't have to be over yet. Let's go to bed," She suggests, and the implications behind that sentence are evident in her tone.

Jane pulls her off the couch immediately, smiling broadly,

"You don't have to ask me twice!"

* * *

**You guys continue to awe and astound me in your comment and your PMs. Flattery will clearly get you everywhere. Here is a new chapter (hopefully pretty fluffy!) and I should have a new oneshot spin off up sometime this weekend. I'm going to NYC, so I'll probably be away from the internet during the day, but I expect to still update this story at least twice this weekend. so stay tuned!**

**Anon! Welcome, you caught up quick! Hope you'll keep enjoying. Light77, aw. that's...sad. I don't think i'd do anything but cry if I saw my significant other about to be tortured. I surely wouldn't be able to pull myself together enough to break my own bones and save her. Jane's hard and soft. thats why i love her. kryptochick, your handle looks new to me, and so i say welcome, thank you and hope you keep enjoying. **

**ts davislp, charliethecag, jmpack, friendsfan, ccjl and julez, I can write you guys down without looking how to spell your handles now. that speaks volumes to the support you've given and i can't thank you enough. **

**fallenaustin, reviewing the day after your birthday celebration when you should be recuperating from said celebration? you rock. srsly. **

** keep your comments coming. i love them, they are helpful, and they definitely spur me on. **

**happy reading!**

**t.c.**


	45. Chapter 44

Maura opens the door on the waiting room to Dr. Shapiro's office to see Jane flexing her hand slowly, a crease of discomfort through her forehead.

"I told you to bring your stress ball because you would want to practice," Maura says coming to sit down next to her. They get a couple minutes to be together between their sessions, and although Maura is still grateful for the time, she's finding that she doesn't need them as much as she did before. The dead weight of dread that used to settle in her stomach whenever the brunette was out of her sight seems to have eased slightly.

Jane has her recertification test and mandatory gun retraining tomorrow, and both women know that they are going to have to start spending more time away from each other. on the advice of Dr. Shapiro, they'd spent twenty four hours apart last weekend, Jane going to stay with Frankie, and Maura staying at the house with Barry. She hadn't meant to invite him, but when he'd overheard what the women were planning, he'd insisted. Jane had called hyperventilating once, her scared and shaking voice making Maura start to shake as well.

"I want to come home," Jane had said, her voice sounding young and hurt and terribly vulnerable.

"I know," Maura had replied shakily, trying to stay strong, "But we have to do this. Think about how proud you will be when you wake up tomorrow morning and you know that you've succeeded."

Jane had whimpered, and Maura had almost caved, but Frost had put his hand on her shoulder, strong and reassuring.

"I love you, pretty girl," Maura whispered into the phone. "I'm right here."

They'd done it, Though neither of them had much enjoyed the night alone, and what Maura had said was right: Jane had come home beaming.

Now she takes Jane's right hand in both of hers, her hands running lightly over the scar on her palm, joined now by the incisions from her surgery.

Maura kisses the hand gently, "It's your turn, honey." she says quietly. "I'll wait right here, okay?"

Jane glances at her nervously, and Maura smiles reassuringly. "I promise."

"No," Jane says quickly, "It's not...I just...I want you to come to this session," she says, looking a little guilty. "Dr. Shapiro and I talked about it a little last time, and...I want to...talk to you about some things...with her." Jane says, stopping every few words to regather her thoughts.

Maura feels stomach squirm. "Are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine...can you just?" Jane stands and tugs at Maura's hand, who stands a little reluctantly.

"Of course," She says, although her movements don't convey such assurance.

She returns to Dr. Shapiro's office, giving the Doctor a reproachful look for letting her leave only to have to come back. She sits back down in her normal place, and Jane sits down next to her on the couch, but not as close as she normally would, and Maura notices that she holds herself carefully, nervously.

Fear tips the world a little, so that Maura feels as though everything is just a tiny bit skewed.

"I'm sorry I didn't keep you here, Maura," Says Dr. Shapiro, as if she can read the doctor's mind. "I wanted to give Jane the opportunity to invite you in here if it was still something she wanted to do."

Maura looks at Jane, trying to read the expression in her nervous eyes. "Are you okay?" she asks again, thinking now that they are in the a different room, the answer might be different.

Jane nods, clearly trying to figure out where to start. "I go to get retrained and recertified tomorrow," She says unnecessarily. The date has been circled on the calendar for almost a month.

Maura nods.

"And I just...I'm worried what it's going to do to us." Jane says this last part in a rush, liking ripping off a band aid.

Maura's eyes widen a little, and she looks from Dr. Shapiro to her girlfriend.

"What are you talking about?" she asks, reaching for Jane's hands, rubbing her thumbs over the knuckles.

Jane shrugs, ducking her head.

Dr. Shapiro leans forward, "Jane, I know that you're worried about broaching this subject, but Maura's not pulling away from you. Tell her what you're thinking."

Maura looks at Dr. Shapiro and for the first time it hits her that this woman knows things about her girlfriend that she doesn't. It causes a wave of anger to wash over her, complete and sudden like spring rain.

She reaches out and puts her hand under Jane's chin, pulling up so that they are eye to eye.

"Talk to me," she says, working hard to leave the emphasis off the "me" that she would like to include.

Jane shrugs again, but doesn't break eye contact. "Are you mad at me for going back to homicide?" She asks.

Maura's mouth drops open. "NO! Why would I be angry with you. I understand how much of you is in your job, sweetheart, I would never ask you to give that up."

Maura searches Jane's face, trying to see where this is coming from.

"Just tell her Jane," Dr. Shapiro pushes, and Maura makes and irritable gesture.

"You've been pulling away from me. You don't..." Jane blushes deeply, "stay in bed with me in the mornings like we used to...even we'd been awake for a while. You don't kiss me when I drop you off at the precinct. When I talk about going back to work, when I talk about how I'm excited to be back and be close to you again...you...pull away. You make your face go all," Jane makes her face go blank. "Or you give me a fact about injured police officers coming back to work, or something like that." Jane looks back at Maura, who is still too stunned to say anything. "Are you angry with me for wanting to go back, Maura? Because we can talk about this...I don't have to-"

But Maura puts up her hand and Jane falls silent, waiting.

Several things are happening at once inside the Medical Examiner's chest, but anger seems to be the one that is growing the quickest. Anger at Jane for not coming to her directly, anger at herself for letting something she thought she was keeping secret come out, anger at Dr. Shapiro for knowing more about what goes on inside Jane's head than she does. Maura tries to rationalize this last one, a therapist is a perfectly natural confidant. She shouldn't have to feel jealous...but when she looks up, Jane is look at Dr. Shapiro, her face scared and uneasy, asking for help, and anger kicks at Maura's ribs. _I'm the only person she should look at like that._

"I want to go home," Maura says quietly, trying to keep herself in check. Jane looks at her completely confused.

"What?"

Maura stands, "I want to go home. Now," she says, a little more forcefully than before.

"Maura," Dr. Shapiro says, and her voice suggests that she is surprised as well.

"No," Maura says firmly, her eyes not leaving her girlfriend's face. "Jane. I want to go home. Right now." She needs to see if Jane will do this for her. It's a completely arbitrary and unfair thing to do, but she doesn't have a choice. She has to test.

Jane stands, nodding slowly, knowing not to question her by the look in her eyes. "Okay."

"Jane," Dr. Shapiro says now, but Jane shrugs and shakes her head. "I'll call and reschedule, Doc, okay?"

Maura loops arm through Jane's as they leave the building, and although Jane looks at her, she doesn't say anything.

"Do you want to drive or..."

"Will you, please, Jane."

"Of course," Jane slips the keys out of Maura's purse, and gets in the drivers side of the car. As soon as Maura gets in, she reaches over and takes her hand. "Maur-"

But Maura shakes her head, the irritation and anger and...fear still to paramount to allow for anything else. "Take us home, please," she says quietly, and Jane slides the car into drive, pulling them out onto the highway.

...

Maura gets home and walks directly towards the kitchen with the idea of getting something to drink. The ride home was silent, with Jane stealing nervous glances at her the whole time, and Maura had felt her anger and her fear grow with each mile. Jane stands in the front hall watching her go, and Maura neither invites her to follow or turns around to see her expression.

If Jane has been going to Dr. Shapiro with all her problems, how did she think that they would ever be able to communicate? Would going to her for the big issues turn into calling her in to decide what type of milk they should buy, or which detergent they should use? would they be ringing her up to hear her input on what they named their first child?

This last thought comes to her unbidden and hits her so hard that she has to hold onto the refrigerator door in order to keep from falling over.

She starts to cry. Big heaving breaths.

"Maura, Oh, baby I'm sorry," She hasn't heard Jane come around the corner to the kitchen, but she leans into the taller woman's embrace, crying a little harder.

"I'm so sorry. I should have seen it sooner. I won't re-certify tomorrow, okay? And we can take a couple of days and I can"

"Of course you're going to re-certify tomorrow, Jane," Maura says, wiping her tears and pulling away from the detective. "I wouldn't want anything else from you. I wouldn't expect anything less of you."

Jane bites her lip, and Maura looks away torn between throwing something at her and throwing _herself_ at her.

"I don't understand." She says simply, "I thought you felt like-"

"How would you know what I feel like?" Maura bursts out, feeling that same old rush of panic that comes with yelling at Jane. "You never ask me how I feel. And you never tell me how YOU feel. You have no problem telling your therapist all your fears and doubts, but you can't even tell me that you think I'm angry with you."

Jane's eyes are wide, and Maura waits for her to turn and walk away, but she doesn't.

"Maura," She says slowly, "Why are you pulling away from me?"

"So you can be STRONG." Maura's voice goes up. "So that you don't have to worry about me when you go back to work. So that you can focus on catching bad guys and you don't have to wonder if I'm sitting waiting for you, or text me every couple hours to make sure I'm okay," Maura braces herself on the kitchen counter. "Because I know that you love me with everything you have. I feel it every time you kiss me, and when you look at me and touch me, and I know that I'm your weakness. I just..." Maura spreads out her hands, trying to pull the right words to her. "I want you to know that I won't fall apart when you have to go back into the field. I know you'd give it up for me, and I don't want to give you any reason to think you have to."

Her speech comes to a close, and she chances a look up at Jane, who stands rooted to the spot, her eyes still wide.

"Maura-" she says after a minute.

"And I hate that you told all your fears and worries to Dr. Shapiro, and that you didn't tell me. She's not...She doesn't..." Maura looks up again, and sees that Jane is now smiling amusedly. It only serves to enrage her more. "What is so funny?" she asks.

Jane takes a step forward, as if she would like to hug Maura, but she's also a little afraid.

"Maura," she says gently, "Let me come over there."

Maura crosses her arms. "No. You're going to say something wonderful and incredibly arousing and I'm going to melt, and nothing's going to get done."

Jane laughs and takes a step closer. "I promise not to do any of that. But if you find it arousing, I can't be held responsible-"

"Jane Rizzoli, this is not funny. You are talking to our DOCTOR instead of talking-"

"Will you shut up, Maura!" Jane throws up her hands, laughing, "I only wanted to do it with Dr. Shapiro there for YOU."

Maura looks at her blankly, "What?"

"I thought that maybe you had talked to her about the way you were acting, and that it might be easier for you to speak to me with her there."

Maura stares at Jane, trying to process this information, Jane smiles, "I pretty much complained all last session that you seem to have no trouble talking to her, but you won't talk to me about what's bothering you."

Maura lets her arms fall to her sides. "I-Oh. Oh, Jane," Maura smiles weakly.

"Can I come over there yet?"

Maura chuckles, "please."

"Honey," Jane says taking Maura in her arms, "You and your giant brain. I think I forget that you can get things wrong sometimes."

Maura swats lightly at Jane's shoulder, "SOME times."

"You got the first part right. I love you with everything that I have. You are my reason, my wonderful," Jane presses her lips to Maura's. "But you don't make me weak, Maura. You make me so much stronger."

Maura takes Jane's newly healed hand, "You were begging for him not to hurt me. You wake up at night...still...sobbing. And I know that you're imagining...and I..."

Jane pulls her hand away to run it through Maura's hair. "Do you know what you gave me that day, Maur? You didn't show me my weaknesses. You showed me how strong I could be. You made me realize that no matter what happens, I'm going to be able to be there for you. That if you ask me to come get you. I will. I always will. Because I love you, and you love me." Jane sighs, "You saved us that day Maura. You loving me, saved us."

Maura turns away, trying to believe it. Wanting desperately for it to be true.

"What do I have to do to convince you that I will never let you go? That I need _you_ in order to be who I am?"

Maura leans against the counter, thinking, her eyes wandering across the kitchen and the post it notes they've scribbled to each other stuck to the side of the fridge, and the back door.

_we need milk. love, J_

_'honey i forgot to tell frost to come early love, m" _

_'i love you. have a great first day back, love, me'_

Their reminders and their don't forgets and their love spread out across the kitchen, spread out across the house, really.

Maura wishes she could have a post it note for her heart. 'how do i convince you?'

she looks up at Jane as it comes to her, her green eyes wide and excited and full of love.

"Marry Me."


	46. Chapter 45

Maura wakes up on her back with Jane almost completely on top of her, arms and legs wrapped around her like a monkey. Neither of them have any clothes on. They've fallen asleep like this before, but usually one of them will move in the night and they'll wake up side by side. Maura smiles, looking down at Jane, sleeping hard, her hair through her face. She shifts a little, trying to wake up, and yesterday afternoon's conversation comes back to her in one swift thrill up her spine.

_How can I convince you that I need you in order to be who I am?_

_Marry me. _

Marry Me. _Marry_ me.

The words float around in Maura's head, tumbling and colliding. Did she really ask that?

"Don't take it back," comes a sleepy voice from her shoulder, and Maura brushes the voluminous hair away to see those beautiful brown eyes looking up at her.

"What?"

"Don't take it back," Jane says again, pressing her lips to Maura's bare shoulder. "I want to marry you. So much." She looks back up, "you have that look on your face that you get when you're thinking hard." Jane runs her hand up Maura's side. "Don't take it back."

Maura smiles, moving her hands over Jane's back, feeling the muscles tense and relax under her fingers. "I wasn't going to take it back, sweet girl. I was just trying to wrap my mind around..."

Jane crawls up the bed until she is hovering over the doctor, her hair falling all over the place. "Stop thinking so hard," she whispers, leaning in to kiss Maura's chin. "wrap your _arms_ around something instead." She giggles, pressing herself against the woman beneath her and Maura can't help but giggle too, wrapping her arms around Jane's waist.

"Tell me about your fantasy," Maura says, and Jane growls.

Maura pushes at her, "_No,_ dirty mind, not that kind of fantasy. Tell me about what you think about when you think about your _dream_ wedding."

Jane sighs, slipping into her place at Maura's side and putting her head on her shoulder. "I don't know, Maura. I don't really have one."

"Every little girl has a wedding fantasy, Jane."

Maura watches Jane thinking, watches as the brunette realizes that she has an answer and then either becomes to shy or too embarrassed to share it with her. "I don't" she says in a would be casual voice, snuggling closer, "No one over the age of five should play that game," she says, poking Maura in the side.

Maura huffs, playing along, "I still play that game, Jane."

"I know. So tell me, because I know you are dying to...What does an Isles wedding look like?"

Maura smiles, "I think it should be a destination wedding. Somewhere exotic and wonderful. Like the cliffs of Santorini above the volcano!" She's only half joking, really. "My dress would be, silk and charmeuse and it would have this long, flowing train." She looks around at Jane who is watching her with an expression that boarders on awe.

"You really have this all planned out, huh?"

Maura squeezes Jane around the middle, kissing her forehead. She feels alive with excitement, her brain whirring at a hundred miles an hour over cakes and invitations and seating charts.

"What about you? What would you wear? If you could wear anything?"

Jane looks at her, eyes soft with affection. She shrugs, "I hadn't really thought about it."

"Of course you have," Maura says looking scandalized.

Jane shrugs, "Well, I think my Red Sox jersey would look a little out of place with your silk char moose." She flashes a wicked grin at her girlfriend who understands that she's being baited.

"That is not your fantasy," Maura says, trying to keep the hint of panic out of her voice.

But Jane has found her out, and she holds onto it, "Yes it is. I want to get married in Fenway, and say my vows over home plate."

"That is not your dream," Maura says again, smiling.

Jane giggles, leaning forward and taking Maura's earlobe gently between her teeth, pressing herself closer to Maura in the process. "Yes it is," she whispers.

Maura allows herself a moment to enjoy the sensation, before trying to push her away. "You have your re-training today."

Jane growls, rolling on top of her and holding Maura in place for a moment, her muscles flexing as Maura presses harder, momentarily confused, and realizes she can't get up. Jane keeps brown eyes trained carefully on Maura's face, just in case.

But far from being scared, Maura feels a rush of arousal sweep through her at Jane's show of strength. "_Jane!" _She says, her voice high and surprised, her hips bucking involuntarily. The detective lets her go at once, eyes wide and amused. Maura looks at her, unsure why she's panting a little.

"Maur?"

"That felt...quite wonderful." Maura says, still a little breathless.

"Do you want me to do it again?" Jane's voice is low and full, almost teasing, but also very serious.

Maura feels her stomach flutter.

"Yes, yes I definitely do. But not now. You have to get ready and we have to go to the precinct," Maura says, laying out these steps more for herself than for Jane.

Jane rolls away from her, swinging her feet onto the floor, and with a last, devilish grin that makes Maura's heart jump, she disappears into the bathroom.

* * *

"What time is it?" Jane asks, fidgeting next to Maura on the bench.

"Not even 9:30 yet." Maura says, "calm down. You're going to be great." taking Jane's right hand and rubbing it between her own, trying to loosen it up as much as possible before she goes in to target practice. "Are you nervous?"

Jane considers. "No. I'm excited. I'm..." She wiggles next to Maura like a child. "I'm nervous and excited." She looks at Maura, and her eyes are shining and intense and...asking for reassurance.

"You're going to be wonderful," Maura says immediately. "You're going to get re-certified and we're going to be a team again," Maura squeezes Jane's hand experimentally, nodding in satisfaction when the detective doesn't tense. "Frost and Korsak are lost without you," she says, which makes Jane smile.

"Woah, hey Doc, how are you going to put my business out there like that?" Frost's teasing voice makes Maura look around. He's striding towards them, grinning.

"No," Maura stands, "Detective Frost, I was not commenting on your competency, I was merely-"

But Frost waves her away, embracing Jane, "Don't listen to her. I wasn't just lost without you. I was incapable."

Jane shoves him away, rolling her eyes the way she would with Frankie or Tommy, but Frost and Maura can tell that she's pleased, and touched that he's come to see her.

"Detective Rizzoli?" The trainer steps out into the hallway, holding a kevlar vest. Maura feels her heart speed up, when she sees it.

"What?" she goes to ask, but Frost takes her elbow.

"It's okay," he murmurs, as Jane steps forward. "It's just so she can do it realistically. No one's going to be shooting at her."

Maura watches her girlfriend disappear inside the training room, and has just begun to run through the first round of calming techniques when Jane reappears again. She runs up to Maura and pulls her into an embrace. "I love you, Maura," she whispers into her ear. "I love you I love you I love you." And with one quick kiss to the doctor's jawbone, she turns and disappears again leaving Maura dazed, but much calmer.

She sits back down on the hard bench, and after a moment, Barry sits down next to her.

"The next case that comes in is going to be ours," he says conversationally. "Cavenaugh's pretty sure that Jane's gonna pass her re-cert."

Maura nods, "the bones in her fingers healed quite nicely. I'm a little worried about the lateral fracture in her wrist, but..."

"But how is she emotionally?" Frost cuts across her. "How are the two of you doing?"

Maura thinks, "We're doing well."

"Yeah?"

From anyone else, Maura would feel irritated and a little bit violated, but coming from Barry, she feels comforted...willing to share. "Yes. I haven't cried out for for her in a grocery store, or had a break down in the mall in _months_," She says, smiling at him.

He chuckles, though his eyes sweep her quickly, searching. "Good to hear."

"We're going to get married." the words tumble out of her mouth before she can stop them, and she stares at his shocked face with her own wide hazel eyes.

"WHAT?"

"Oh, God...Barry, don't tell Jane I told you. We just...It just happened yesterday, and... I asked her and she said yes...but you can't-" But Frost has pulled her into an embrace before she can finish her sentence.

"Married? When? Oh, my God, does Angela know yet?"

"NO! Oh God, no one knows, Frost you can't tell anyone." Maura feels panic rising in her at the sight of Barry Frosts ecstatic child like grin.

"Don't worry, Maur, your secret is safe with me," He says taking her hands, "But can I just say that I am overjoyed and it is about damn time, and Oh, my God, Jane Rizzoli is going to wear another dress."

Maura laughs, "Not likely," she says, continuing when she sees Frost's confused look. "She says that she wants to get married in Fenway Park, in a jersey, no doubt with those tiny little hot dogs that you spear on the ends of tooth picks."

Frost shakes his head, chuckling. "Yeah, sure, the tomboy, take no prisoners, never let anyone in Jane would want that kind of a wedding. But the real Jane. The one you've got? No way." He sits back down on the bench and rubs his hands together, checking his watch. Something about the way he says this last sentence makes Maura think back to Jane's face the moment after she'd asked about fantasies. _Jane has a real fantasy. _The realization makes Maura's eyes go wide.

She comes and sits down next to Frost.

"Barry,"

"Maura," he says, mimicking her seriousness.

"We're friends..."

Frost raises his eyebrows. "Well...If anyone else called me Barry on such a regular basis, I would definitely say no...but..." He grins and nudes her to show he's joking. "Of course we are."

"It's not a question that you'd come to the wedding, of course," Maura knots her hands together in her lap. She's never even considered how to go about this. "but I was thinking that you could be.._in_ the wedding. With me."

Frost raises an eyebrow, and she knows he understands, but is going to make her suffer a little. "Well, Doctor, I think that Jane might frown on it. And I'm not sure how I feel about being sloppy seconds," he clicks his tongue "Two proposals in two days...tut tut."

She pushes at him, smiling despite herself.

"Will you be like my...Well...Like my best man?"

Frost wraps his arm around her, "Of course I will."

Maura lets out a breath in a great puff of air. "We're going to tell everyone on Sunday. Can you hold it in that long?"

Frost presses his lips together, "Can _Jane?" _

Maura smiles. "Touché."

Just then the door to the training room bursts open and Jane flies out, pulling her hair from it's tie and shaking her head. Maura and Frost stand, looking at her expectantly.

"I hit every one!" she says picking Maura up and giving her a spin. and then turning to Frost and holding out her hand. They shake very solemnly with straight faces until Frost can't help himself and he breaks, starting to do a little dance, laughing and two stepping around the hallway.

Jane laughs, and then to Maura's immense surprise, she falls into step with him, their dance taking up most of the hallway.

"Detective Rizzoli?" The trainer has appeared behind her, her certificate in his hand and a barely concealed smile on her face.

"Riley," Jane says, a little out of breath, taking the certificate from her. "Thank you!"

"Congratulations detective..." she winks "Doubly so." And she turns and heads down the hall.

* * *

"I can't believe you told the trainer!"

"I can't believe you told _FROST_!" Jane reaches for Maura's plate and turns to the sink. "He's not going to be able to keep it to himself for one day let alone three. He and Frankie practically live together."

Maura sighs, "If your mother finds out that you told someone else before her..." Jane spins, her hand to her head, looking terrified. "Oh, God. I have to call Frost." she says panicked, reaching for her cell phone.

But Maura comes around the corner and takes her hand, wrapping it around her waist. She kisses Jane, "I want to talk to you about fantasies."

Jane groans, "Mauraaaaa."

"I realized something today while I was waiting for you to finish your re-cert."

Jane leans back, waiting. "You asked me what my fantasy Isles wedding was this morning, and I told you." Maura traces the collar of Jane's V-neck, down...up...back again, feeling the taller woman's breathing get a little more shallow. "But I realized that all those things I said, the destination wedding, the dress, the almond chocolate cake..."  
"Um, you said nothing about that delicious sounding cake," Jane cuts in smiling. "I would be totally fine with that cake."

Maura sighs, "But the other things. You don't want those other things, do you."

Jane chuckles, "It doesn't matter to me, honey," She says honestly, twisting a piece of Maura's hair around her finger. "I would marry you tomorrow, at city hall, and fuc-" Jane waves her hands, "_screw_ the parties and the people. But I know you're not like that. I know you want the ceremony and the party and all of it. And I can do that," Jane smiles good naturedly, but Maura pulls away.

"But all those things I said this morning. They're my reflex. They're the picture I conjured up in my head to make up for the fact that-" she blushes leaning her head forward onto Jane's chest. "To make up for the fact that I was having an Isles wedding...not a Rizzoli-Isles wedding."

Jane smooths her hands over Maura's back and then reaches around to tip her head up, her brown eyes warm and comforting.

"Well you've got that. And anything else you want."

"I want to know your fantasy. Your _real_ fantasy, Jane," She says because Jane has opened her mouth to argue. "I want our wedding to be _ours. _Not just mine."

Jane sighs, "Okay. Okay," she rolls her shoulders, trying to relax, "I close my eyes. and I think about what I want most of all at my wedding," her face relaxes a little, and Maura fights the urge to kiss her, wanting to hear the end. "Sometimes it's in the woods, like a clearing and the sun is shining down through the trees and I'm not really dressed up, I'm just ...comfortable. Sometime I'm in Fenway. Like I told you. Other times it's on a beach and I'm wearing a sundress and people are eating fruit and drinking coladas..." Maura smiles, putting her hand on Jane's heart.

Jane opens her eyes and looks down into Maura's face, "But ideally. In each and every one of them, whether I'm standing on the beach or waiting in the clearing or I turn around at city hall...it's you coming towards me. In all of them. without fail." Jane blushes but doesn't look away, "_you're_ my ideal wedding, Maura. As long as you're coming down the aisle or the pathway or carpet or whatever it is, it's my. ideal. wedding."

And now Maura can kiss her. And she does, long and deep and wonderful, only pulling away when she feels Jane's hands slip under her shirt.

"We're not going to make it to Sunday, are we?" Jane murmurs, and Maura pulls her towards the living room.

"No," Maura says, feeling Jane place a kiss on the back of her neck as they exit the kitchen.

"No, we are not."

* * *

**ZOMG. So many new handles! Bnewfang, roethfan17, maymfcheu, westcoaster, dr magnus, noble graces, demonview, becca, gator300m. You guys are all so nice. And welcome to my story! and I hope that you keep reading and I can't wait to hear from ya'll again. Becca I'm so glad you found comfort in my story. I write what I know...I think maybe that's the best way to reach other people.**

**Davislp! HAH. I was so proud of myself for that. I may have self high fived... Charliethecag. I just did that and now I'm dead...srsly. AE, go to bed! what is it with yall? my fic is fixed and permanent. not going anywhere! **

**fallen austin that includes YOU. FIRE is a TOTALLY valid reason to take a day from reviewing. but you are both amazing, and you have no idea how much it means to me that you wake up to read my fic, or read it despite something being ON FIRE...**

**I think we have a different definition of what Fluff is, you guys. I consider chapter 43 and 44 to be pretty fluffy...No? what about this one. This is about as fluffy as it gets. well. 46, and 48 the actual wedding, are pretty flufftastic too, but...now I'm not so sure...**

**as always, I hope you'll keep reading/reviewing/PMing **

**I am still flabbergasted by your wonderful comments. They make me feel so, so happy. I can't even believe it sometimes when I flip my computer on. **

**happy reading!**

**t.c.**


	47. Chapter 46

Maura can't breathe.

She didn't see it coming, and so she didn't take a deep breath, or prepare herself in anyway, and now she feels as if all the air is being forced from her lungs.

It _is _being forced from her lungs.

"Ma," she hears Jane say, "If you kill her, then I'll have no one to marry, which sort of cancels out the point of your hug."

Angela releases Maura, her face already tracked with tears, her eyes shining with ones that haven't been shed yet. "I can't believe it. I thought that this day would never, EVER come!"  
Jane rolls her eyes, trying to look offended. "Seriously, Ma? That's what you have to say?" but she grins at Maura, which makes Angela burst into a new round of sobbing and grab Maura around the shoulders again.

Frankie punches Frost in the arm, "You knew!" he cries seeing at the happy, but unsurprised look on his friend's face. "You rat bastard! Sorry, Maura," he adds.

Maura massages her chest, smiling as Angela releases her to turn on her daughter. "You told you partner before you told your own mother?" she asks, firing up at once.

"Oh, no, Angela, It was my fault," Maura says quickly. "Barry was the first person I saw after I asked Jane, and I just…I couldn't keep it to myself." She blushes as Jane comes around behind her, snaking her arms around her shoulders.

Angela claps her hands together. She looks happier Maura has ever seen her. "Oh! When? Where is it going to be? When will you find me some grandchildren?"

Jane nearly chokes on her own tongue

"_Find_ you grandchildren? Jesus Ma, they're not lost socks! You don't just _find _kids."

"You found that little boy in the mall." Angela reminds her.

"Technically," Maura says, because Jane's indignation seems to render her temporarily speechless, "Lukas found us. And he wasn't ours. He went home to a family."

"Well, you know what I mean anyway," Angela says waving her hands.

"Hey. Granzilla, can we focus on one thing at a time here?" Jane says, but she squeezes Maura's hand and gives her a smile, and Maura knows that Jane is tabling the baby talk with her mother, but not with her.

"okay, okay," Angela says, and she beckons Maura to come sit beside her on the couch, taking the doctor's hand when she gets close enough. "When?" she asks, her eyes bright."

"Well," Maura says, glancing at Jane, who has taken a seat between Frankie and Frost. "We were thinking sometime in the fall or winter, if we can get everything together."

"Are you going to wear white? A gown?"

Maura hesitates, "I'd like to…"

"Oh, I hope you'll let me help!" Angela says, her eyes misting over again. "I know the most wonderful bridal shop down in the garment district. "It's a little pricy, but…it's your wedding! I mean. How many times does that come along?" She smiles.

"I'd love your help, Angela. And it's _our_ wedding, I want it to be wonderful. Money's not a factor."

Angela looks a little taken aback at this, and out of the corner of her eye, she sees Jane turn and look at her.

She hadn't meant it to come out that way, sounding so…like Constance. She opens her mouth, not entirely sure how to rephrase, but Angela waves her away, "Of course, of course…now tell me _where._ Somewhere in Boston?"

Maura goes to respond, but Angela cuts her off again.

"Oh!" Angela says, standing up suddenly "And what kind of cake? I had the best cannoli in my life at this bakery in downtown crossing last week. I know I saved a card. Hang on," And she hurries out of the living room into the kitchen, looking for her purse."

Capitalizing on her mother's absence, Jane says quietly, "Have you seen Tommy?"

Frankie shakes his head, "I know he's been looking into getting his own place now that he passed the 60 day probation on his job."

Jane rolls her shoulders nervously.  
"Don't worry," Frankie says, "He won't care that you told us without him"

Maura sees Jane's face fall a little, though she recovers nicely, "Yeah, I know." She punches Frankie lightly on the arm. "What do you think, brother?"

Frankie looks at Maura, and his eyes are excited and friendly, but Maura does not think she's misinterpreting the sadness that's also hidden there.

"I think it's great." He says, punching his sister back. She beams at him, and he bites his lip, hesitating. "You gonna tell dad?"

"Of course she's going to tell her father." Angela says, coming back around the couch, handing Maura the small little business card. "He would want to know."

Frankie and Jane gape at their mother.  
"Ma, no way," Jane says quietly. "Pop's not coming."

"He would want to know that his little girl was getting married," Angela says looking surprised at her children's reactions.

"Yeah, so he could kill me before I blasphemed his God?" Jane looks both outraged and panicked, and Maura wants to go to her. "No thank you."

"Your father wouldn't do that," Angela says quietly.

"Ma!" Frankie says disbelievingly.

Jane cannot stop staring at Angela. "Honestly, you have the biggest blind spot when it comes to that man."

"You're being too hard on him!" Angela says dismissively.

Maura sees panic start to win out in Jane's features, the idea of her father back in her life for this moment causing her to regress.

"I don't particularly want him there either," Maura says, quietly, but firmly enough that everyone in the room hears her.

Angela spins to look at Maura, shocked.

"He makes my fiancé," Maura glances at Jane blushing slightly, "feel unsafe. More than that he makes her afraid. And all I want to see in her face on our wedding day is happiness. Maybe a little love," Maura smiles as she finishes. She looks at Jane and Frankie who both look as though they've been paralyzed. Slowly she brings her eyes around to meet Angela's.

"I want it to be a happy day. I don't want anything to jeopardize that." She says, more quietly.

Angela bursts into tears, throwing her arms around Maura yet again. "Of course youre right, Maura. I was being selfish. But it's your day, _your _wedding day. Oh, my God! My baby is getting married."

Angela falls back into the couch. "What am _I _going to wear?"

Jane buries her face in her hands, groaning theatrically. "What have I done?"

But Frankie continues to look at Maura curiously, even after the conversation has turned to destinations.

...

"Thank you. For what you said in there, to my mother." Frankie has held her back as they all headed into the dining room for dinner. "It means a ton."

Maura smiles, "Of course."

"You know he was brutal to her, when we were growing up…after he found out."

Maura nods.

"When we were really little, she idolized him completely. I know it really broke her to see him switch on her like that."

Maura nods again, not entirely sure where the conversation is going.

"He put her in the hospital a handful of times. She would go around his house to check on Tommy. Or he would come around our apartment and try to bring me back to God…"  
"Frankie," Maura says gently, "Tell me."  
He fixes her with eyes that she realizes suddenly are just like Jane's. "She's my best friend, Maur. My best friend in the whole world, for my whole life. I mean..." he struggles, "I know she's _your_ best friend now, and I'm not trying to...but...She's looked out for me and made sure I had clothes and food and that I was getting good grades…that I didn't get mixed up in bad shi-stuff. When Ma lost her job, she spent all the money she had buying me Jordans so that I wouldn't get laughed at in school. She went without coats, don't think I don't know, so that I could have one…She's my big sister…and she's my best friend."

He looks at her imploringly, and Maura smiles, taking his hand and curling it into a fist.

"Wave this in my face." She says.

"Wha?" He looks at her like she's lost her mind.

She smiles, "Make a fist. Wave it in my face. Tell me what you'll do to me, woman or not, if I dishonor or hurt your sister."

Understanding flutters across Frankie's face for a moment before he turns his expression tough, and Maura sees why he makes such a good beat cop.

"I sweah to Gahd." He says, Boston accent thick, and a little menacing. "If you hurt my sistah," He leans in towards her and raises his fist, Maura leans back, a little alarmed. "I will put you in the ground. I dunnah care if you're a woman or a doctah or what, get me?"

Even though she knows it's Frankie under that scowl and that accent, she does feel a bit intimidated, and she lets this emotion show fully on her face.

"I get you. Your sister is completely safe with me."

Frankie smiles, the mask falling away, and pulls her into a hug only slightly less bone crushing than his mother's. "I know," he says. And he offers her his arm, which she accepts, letting him lead them into the dining room.

* * *

"Hello?"

"Mother,"  
"Maura! A pleasant surprise. You know…I saw you on the news a couple months ago with a little boy you'd rescued. I mean to call you, but you know how time gets away."

"I do. That was almost four months ago now."

"Well I just apologized. And you've called me now, so…To what do I owe this not unpleasant surprise?"

Maura rubs her forehead, and Jane, sitting beside her on the couch, rubs her knee reassuringly. She's been putting this call of for two days now, and Maura lives in fear that Constance will call, furious. Having found out somehow.

"I'm calling with some pretty big news," Maura says bracing herself, feeling excitement sweep through her, even though she is not particularly keen to inform her mother of her engagement.  
The other end of the phone is silent. "Mother?"

"You've decided to marry that woman, haven't you."

Maura's mouth falls open, and she looks behind her as if expecting to see Constance striding around the corner. "How did you…"

"Honestly, I don't know why you insist on pretending I don't know you. It's practically dripping from your voice."

Maura swallows, "Yes. We've decided to get married."  
"Well. Congratulations," Constance says, a little grudgingly. "I told you at Christmas that I would not stand in the way of the choices you make."

Maura glances at Jane, who looks up from the case she's reading, eyebrows raised.  
"Thank you, mother," Maura says, "That means-"

"But I just don't understand why you would want to engage in something that the rest of the country doesn't even acknowledge."

Maura closes her eyes, _there it is._ "Yet," Maura says, trying to find the energy to put a bite in her words.

Constance is silent for a moment, "Well. Like I said, I'm done standing in the way of you and your detective, Maura. I can see that you both truly care about each other. You ring me if you need anything specific for the wedding, although dropping my name should do the trick just as well."

Maura stares into space, shocked, "So…you'll come?"

Constance makes an impatient noise, "If you do everything correctly, send out save the dates and invitations and give me an ample time to check my schedule, I don't see why I shouldn't be able to make it to your wedding, Maura."

Maura takes her cell phone from her ear and stares at it, sure that she has heard incorrectly. "Thank you," she says, putting it back to her head. "Thank you, mom."

Jane looks up from her case file again in surprise. She's never heard Maura call her mother anything but, well, _mother._ Maura tries to remember a time when she hasn't. Nothing comes to her.

Constance seems to be taken aback as well. She trips over her next words, another first for Maura. "Y-you're welcome, sweetheart." She says, after a moment. "Of course."

"I'll let you go," Maura says,

"Thank you, Maura. And thank you for informing me. I look forward to receiving my save the date."

Maura nods, hanging up the phone and looking around at her girlfriend, who has stopped reading, and is looking at her, head resting on her knees.  
"You're not…crying," Jane says hopefully. "Or throwing things."

"She said to use her name if we encountered any problems."

Jane's eyebrows shoot up. "huh?"

"And she said…she said she would come."

"Well that's great right?" Jane reaches over and runs a finger down Maura's arm. "That's good right, Maur?"

"I…I don't know."

They sit in silence for a moment, and then Jane scoots a little closer. I have a surprise for you," she whispers against Maura's ear. "I was gonna wait. But I think…maybe now…"

Maura smiles, "what is it?"

Jane stands, "we're going out."

"Where?"

Jane wiggles her eyebrows. "Why, doctor, don't you trust me?" She smiles, as Maura stands. "Get your coat, I'll meet you in the hall."

...

They ride the subway to the park, their train slipping through the dark silent city like a whisper, and Maura leans her head on Jane's shoulder, the sense of security she feels making her a little sleepy. Jane pulls them off at the stop for Boston Commons, and waves at the night guard patrolling as they walk through the gates.

"Hey, Dave,"

He touches the brim of his hat, "Tonight, Rizzoli? I thought you were gonna wait another week."

Maura looks up at Jane curiously. "Tonight," Jane says firmly, pushing Maura gently ahead of her. "Look at this woman. Would you wait?"

Dave laughs, "Not one second," he says. "Give me about five."

She nods, and they head into the park.

"Jane…what…"

"Shhh, impatient, you'll see."

They walk slowly, arm in arm, until they come to the fountain. It's not running, but Jane stops in front of it anyway. "You know what this place is, Maur?"

Maura looks around, from the fountain to the large expanse of grass behind it, up the sloping road to Beacon Hill….

She smiles.

"This is where I met you," she says quietly. Jane nods.

"This is where you creeped me out, watching me play stickball like a stalker."

Maura laughs, too enthralled and curious to pretend to be offended.

All at once, the fountain behind her turns on, not just the water, but the lights too, and Maura turns, and her eyes widen. "Jane…"

Someone has filled the pool with hundreds of white blinking lights, small like ones on a Christmas tree. It makes the water in the fountain sparkle and dance, and Maura can't take her eyes off it.

"I love you, Maur. And I know that there's no way I'll ever be able to split the wedding with you, financially."

Maura turns and looks at Jane, opening her mouth, ready to convince the detective that she doesn't care, but Jane shakes her head. "shush. I know it, and I'm okay with it. But I thought I could at least do the rings. " she pulls a little velvet box from her pocket and holds it out to Maura, who feels her extremities go numb. She takes it and opens it, trying to keep her hands from shaking.

"Oh…Oh, my God."

Inside are two platinum rings, though when Maura picks one up, she realizes that it sparkles like the fountain. "Oh…"

"Don't get mad," Jane says quickly, "I stole the necklace I gave you for Valentine's day when we were kids. I had the diamond ground up and poured with the platinum so that it would look like that. I'll get you a new stone for your necklace, I promise."

But Maura shakes her head, trying to find words. _"Jane_," she says again, spinning the ring in her hand. There's an actual diamond too, Maura sees through her tears. Set in the middle, sparkling like a promise.

Maura looks up into her girlfriend –fiancé's- face. "It's perfect."

Jane smiles, leaning down and kissing her, taking the ring from her and slipping it onto her finger.

"I lied," Jane says quietly, tracing her lips down Maura's chin.

"hmmm?"

"When you told me you loved me in my arms…I lied. I loved you when you tripped over your name. Maura Isles, Maura Isles."

Maura giggles, slipping her hands inside Jane's jacket, under her shirt.

"We're getting married." She says against Jane's throat, as the taller woman pulls her closer.

She feels Jane nod,

"We most definitely are."

* * *

**Hi! I hope this also counts as fluffy. I definitely wrote it as such. We're gonna dip a little into "he aint heavy," and then a wedding and a honey moon then... OMG you guys FIVE MORE CHAPTERS AND THE END.**

**So... I have a confession. It's true that Just Give Me A Reason only goes 55 chapters. But it's also true that I have a sequel fic planned out. It's shorter, I just outlined the last chapter today. About 30 Chapters, give or take one or two. and it picks up a year and a half after this one ends. **

**The premier of R&I is on Nov. 27th. Here's mah question(s): 1. Would you read a continuation fan fic from me? 1a. would you read it even while the series is happening? 1c. should I wait? it contains rizzles drams (but no break ups, I'll go ahead and spoil that for you right now). rizzle BABIES and most of the episodes from season three that have been written thus far (and probs some of the new ones too if I like them.) **

**so...can you let me know? review or PM. This is my first foray into the fan fiction world, and I still don't know how it works..really. :) You have all been so wonderful and supportive and GREAT either way, I will never forget that. **

**I love writing for you. **

**See you tonight! **

**happy reading **

**t.c. **


	48. Chapter 47

"You can't expect me to keep this..."

"From your fiancé?" Farrell leans against Maura's examination table. "You can, and you will. If you don't, you're looking at up to ten years in prison, losing your medical license. Do I need to go on, Doctor?"

Maura grips the edge of the table, feeling light headed. "Agent Farrell-"

"Doctor Isles, I've heard all about your team, how you're a family, and you have each other's back and you would rather go to jail than let justice run it's course...No wait. I don't think that last one holds true for you."

"You can't ask me to-"

"I just did. sign here."

* * *

Maura smells the alcohol before she actually sees Tommy emerge from the shadows. He's staggering, almost falling, but his eyes are fixed on the medical examiner with a singular purpose.

Maura feels her stomach tighten. "Tommy! Where have you been? Jane's been going half out of her mind, you haven't checked in with your P.O. in days..." _and you're the number one suspect in a bank robbery._ Tommy stumbles and falls and Maura moves forward, reaching out for him, something about his jerky movements reminding her of Jane and tugging at her heart. She bends down over him, but he swats her away.

"I don't need your help you fucking bitch," his speech is slurred almost beyond coherence. Maura rocks back on her heels, trying to decide what to do.

"Tommy, what have you been drinking?" She asks quietly, reaching tentatively out for him again.

"Who fucking cares? Does it make a difference whether it was tequila or southern comfort or mouth wash? Do you care? NO! No one cares because at the end of the day it's Tommy fucking Rizzoli, screwing shit up as usual."

Maura bites her lip, "No one is blaming you for...messing anything up, Tommy."

He lurches forward and stands suddenly, and Maura stands too, realizing suddenly how tall he is, almost four inches taller than Jane...  
"Tommy." his eyes focus on her and roam her body for a moment. and then he spits on the floor of the parking garage, "You know why I thought you were fucking Barry? It wasn't because he was always pawing at you like an animal, either."

Maura frowns.

"Naw. It was because of the way you dress. Like...like you were just begging to get bent. with your pumps and your skirts. That's why." It advances on her, and Maura realizes, too late, that this is a very bad situation.

"Tommy. Stop. You're drunk. Don't put another mistake on top of the ones that you've already made."

"Shut up. Don't talk to me about mistakes. You destroy my sister and then you just get to come back and be a part of our family like...like it's nothing?" He waves his hand around, "Oh, yes. I heard about your proposal to Jane. I heard about how you love her so much and you're going to marry her and give my mother grandchildren and Frankies gonna be God father, and la dee da it's like Tommy the screw up never existed. hooray for everyone."  
"That's not what anyone wants," Maura says. "Tommy, please. Let me just call your sister and we can get you someplace-"

But Tommy pulls back and back hands her across the face. "Have you not BEEN LISTENING? he roars, and Maura staggers backwards, tasting blood inside her mouth, feeling the ground spin beneath her.

For a moment she thinks that she's imagined the red and blue lights that whirl in front of her eyes, but then the SUV's pull up, and the men jumping out of it, pointing their guns are very, very real.

Tommy tries to run, but in his inebriated state, he only makes it a couple of feet before the officer is on top of him. slamming him into the hood of the car, with more force than Maura thinks is necessary.  
"Don't fight them!" Maura calls, as Tommy lashes out at his captors. But it makes no difference, after slamming him hard once more into the hood of the car, they shove him inside.

And suddenly Maura is alone in the parking garage, her hand to her mouth, too dazed to even cry.

* * *

"Maura?" Jane's voice echoes down the hall way, and Maura wipes at her face again, a little faster this time. She hadn't expected Jane home so soon, and she hasn't had time to clean the little cut on the side of her face or put any make up on at all.

"Maura where are you? Are you home?" Jane's angry voice is getting louder and louder.

"I'm in here," Maura says, but quietly enough that she knows Jane won't hear her, with all the sound her boots are making. They stop outside the bathroom door. And Maura can feel Jane's eyes on her back, but she doesn't turn around.

"Stomach ache my ass Maura, what the hell? you could have told me that they planned to arrest Tommy. You've knew for what..four hours? And I know you knew when he got arrested. They said you were there. And I've looked at my phone, Maur, not one email or call or text. Not a fucking smoke signal. We're supposed to be there for each other. we're supposed to have each other's back."

She waits, in case Maura has anything to add. Maura remains silent, letting this tirade wash over her, trying to remind herself that Jane is angry and scared and frustrated, but that all those emotions do not relate directly back to her. She leans against the sink, trying gather her thoughts. Finally she says, "Farrell made it very clear that she would have me put in prison if I mentioned-"

"Screw Farrell, Maura," Jane cuts her off angrily. "You think that I would have been dumb enough to let her know that you'd told me? You think that I would have, what...tipped my brother off?"  
Jane waits for an answer again but Maura doesn't respond. Her face is pounding, and her lip hurts and she wants to lie down. God, she just wants to lie down.

"What were you doing in a parking garage with my brother anyway?" Jane's tone is more than a little accusatory and Maura tries to fight the anger that's already boiling inside of her. "I- He-" but she gives up. She can't explain what happened without telling Jane that Tommy hit her, and that is the last things she wants.

"Go away, Jane." the doctor says, hoping her voice sounds pissy enough to send the brunette on her way.

"Maura!" Jane's voice is petulant, and all of a sudden Maura feels her long fingered hand close over her upper arm, She panics, spinning and pushing out with her hands, connecting with Jane's chest and giving a mighty shove, and Jane staggers backwards, her eyes wide.

"Get your hands OFF me," she says, and finally they're facing each other, her split lip and the bruise under her eye on full display.

For a minute, there is silence in the bathroom, broken only by Maura's heavy breathing. Maura stares at the floor, waiting for Jane to say something, but the silence stretches on and on.

When she finally gets the courage to look up at Jane. the sight nearly breaks her heart. Jane's face is so devastated and angry, that it actually takes Maura's breath away.

"Jane-" but Jane shakes her head, taking a step towards her.

"Did my brother do that to you?" She takes another step towards Maura, her arms spread out, as if to show that her hands are not Tommy's.  
Maura nods, closing her eyes. "I wanted to tell you Jane. But Farrell-" she opens her eyes, and Jane has come closer, her eyes focused on the bruise under Maura's eye.

"He hit you," she says, as though Maura hasn't spoken.

"He was drunk, I don't think he really knew what he was doing," Maura says quietly.

"Maura. Don't defend him." Jane says reaching out her hand. she traces around the purple little bruise, hands so gentle.

"I hate him." she whispers.

"No, you don't."

"I love you."

Maura sighs. "They are not mutually exclusive." Jane pulls Maura gently to her, relaxing when Maura embraces her willingly. "Tell me what happened," she says, and Maura recounts everything, from Farrell's threat to Tommy's drunken words in the parking lot before being dragged away by the police. Jane listens without interrupting, and when Maura finishes, she leans in and kisses her, a gentle, almost nothing kiss that makes the blonde shiver. Then she wraps her arms around Maura's waist and lifts her onto the sink, tilting her head to the light.

"I should have told you, Jane. I'm so-"

"Shh. It doesn't matter. They would have arrested him whether I knew or not."

"But you could have had some forewarning."  
"Stop fidgeting," Jane says, taking Maura's chin in her right hand and holding the alcohol rub in her left. It's an odd feeling, being doctored, and Maura wonders for a moment if this is how everyone else feels. She winces a bit at the sting of the alcohol, but doesn't pull away. When Jane is done, when the band aid is on, Jane leans in and kisses the spot.

Maura follows Jane's lips as they pull away, letting her head fall onto the detective's shoulder.

"I'm sorry," Jane says into her ear. "I'm so sorry. I was just...scared. Finding out you knew was like..."

Maura shakes her head against Jane's shoulder. "I'm sorry too."

* * *

The front door of the house bursts open so hard that it bounces back off the wall. "JANE CLEMENTINE RIZZOLI I KNOW YOU ARE IN HERE." Maura looks at Jane, who looks up towards the doorway to the front hall, where her mother appears, looking angrier than Maura has ever seen her. Frankie is close behind her, looking apologetic, and when he sees his sister he moves towards her, ready to show that he is not on his mother's side.

"Your brother's been arrested in connection with your bank robbery case, and I have to hear about it on the NEWS?"

"Ma, I just found out my-"

"You couldn't take the thirty seconds to call you mother and tell her, that you'd managed to let your brother down again?"

Maura's head snaps up and she looks at Angela with wide, disbelieving eyes.

"Ma," Frankie says, "Don't do this."

"Don't do what? Don't tell Jane exactly what I think about her putting so much pressure on her brother that he _robs a bank?_ Why wouldn't I do that?"

"Ma," Frankie tries again, but Angela waves her hand at him, glaring at him so severely that he takes a step backwards.

"Ma, I didn't know that Tommy was even-"

"You pressured him so much. He just wanted to please you and make you proud. But he lost his job and felt like he couldn't tell you. and now he's probably robbed that bank and-"

"HE HIT MAURA," Jane bursts out, pointing at the blonde who has come to a halt a little ways behind Jane. "He showed up drunk in the parking lot, and he _HIT _ her. Do you even care about that?"

"IF you put less pressure on him he wouldn't have felt like he had to drink." Jane's eyes go wide, and Maura knows what Angela is going to say before she says it, but she can't make her mouth move to speak.

"Then he might not have hit Maura at all."

"No," Frankie and Maura speak at the same time, Frankie moving towards Jane, "No way, Uh uh Jane. That is not true at all, okay?" He says, reaching for her, but Jane puts her hand out stopping him. Maura looks at Jane who is looking at her mother, her face two inches from agony.  
"Jane," Frankie says, "It's not true, it's-"

But Jane shakes her head, closing her eyes, her whole body vibrating, like she's about to collapse. "My whole life," she says quietly. "My whole life, it's been 'take care of your brothers,' or 'look after Tommy, make sure Frankie gets to school okay. Dad was gone in the middle of the night and you were gone before anyone got up. I got them to school and I fed them and I-"

"And a damn good job you did too, a brother going back to prison and another one who almost died in a gun fight."

"Angela," Maura says, gasping.

"I'M YOUR CHILD TOO." Jane yells, cutting her off. and a tear slips down her face."I'm your little girl too, and why didn't you care who was looking after me? Why didn't you yell at Tommy for stealing that first time? Why did you take me aside and tell me to keep a better eye on him? I was seventeen!"

"You were plenty old enough to look out for-"

"THAT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE MY JOB." Jane slams her hand down on the kitchen counter, letting go a string of obscenities, as pain radiates up her arm.  
Maura rushes forward, grabbing the hand and pulling it to her chest. "It's been a very trying night for everyone and-"

"I blamed Maura," Jane says suddenly, tugging her hand out of her girlfriend's and pointing at her mother. "I _blamed _her because I thought that if she had just told me sooner, If I had known sooner I could have-" Jane wipes angrily at her face, pulling away from Maura's outstretched arms. "But it's not me. It's not me and it's not Maura, it's Tommy! He's tearing this family _apart_. He's just. like. Pop."

Angela advances on Jane so quickly that neither Maura or Frankie has a chance to intervene. But Jane stands her ground spreading her arms out wide,  
"You gonna hit me momma?" She asks, almost laughing, looking a little crazy. "Go ahead. It's not like every one else in this god damn family hasn't done it," She turns away as her mother falters, tears threatening to spill over in her eyes as well.

"GOD! Ma...Momma, just tell me why the hell you never once yelled at those boys. those precious little boys, but you have no problem blaming me for a bank robbery that I was _no where near._ Tell me why you can spend thousands of my dollars keeping him out of prison but you can't tell him to keep out of trouble. Hell you can't tell him to pick up a dish, but every time I so much as-"

"BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T LEFT ME." Angela bellows. And Jane falls silent.

"Because Tommy walked out the moment things were getting hard, and Frankie only answers to you. Because your father didn't give us anything at all, and I had to work sixteen hour days and come home to a phone call from the police at the mall. Because you were falling apart over a girl who seemed unlikely to ever come back, and when I gave you a direct order, you did your best to carry it out, and it seemed to give you some kind of purpose. Because when I yelled at you Jane, you tried to make it better, and a lot of times...you did. And now you're getting married and making this new family, and you're going walk right out of my life."

Jane sinks onto a stool at the breakfast bar, "Is that what you think? That i'm just gonna forget about..." but she can't go on, and she lets her head fall into her arms, her body shaking with sobs.

Angela moves over to her daughter, putting her hand on her shoulder, and when Jane looks up into her mother's face, her expression is hopeful, open and needing and scared. "Ma,"

_Now, _Maura thinks, _Tell her now how much you love her. How important she is. NOW!_

"Janie, he's my baby. He wouldn't do this. you have to help him."

Maura closes her eyes, knowing that this is the exact opposite of what Jane needs to hear.

"I'm your baby too, Ma-" Jane says. and Maura sees Frankie curl his fists out of the corner of his eye.

"Of course you are honey. I wouldn't ask this of you, otherwise."

Jane barely keeps her face from crumbling, Maura can see how hard she fights it in the way her shoulders shiver.

"Okay, Ma. I'll try, okay?"

Angela leans down and kisses her daughters forehead, and Maura thinks that she may never truly know the depth of strength inside Jane Rizzoli. While her mother is too close to see, her lips pressed against the detectives forehead, Jane is fourteen again, crushed, needing her mother's reassurance and taking it where she can find it. As her mother pulls away, Jane hardens her face into a smile that does not reach her eyes, impenetrable and confident and fine.

"Go home Ma," she says, "get some rest. I'll call you as soon as I know anything."

Angela moves towards the door, and Maura wonders if she understands her daughter and is trying to keep a distance, or if she really has no idea how much she has just hurt the only child who's never let her down.

Maura and Frankie walk her to the door, and when it shuts behind her, Frankie shakes his head, looking upset and angry.

"Now you know why I only answer to Jane," he says quietly.

Maura nods, pulling him into a hug, before ushering him out the door after his mother.

...

Jane puts on pajamas mechanically, and climbs into bed next to Maura, curling up at her side, because it is what she has done for almost a year now. But she's not really there, the M.E. can tell.

"Jane," she says quietly, "I want to tell you something."

She scoots down so that she is face to face with her brown eyed detective "sometimes, you drop all your clothes at the foot of the bed. Even when the hamper is right over there."

Jane's eyes snap back to focus on her, disconcerted.

Maura smiles warmly at her. "You drink milk from the carton. a lot. One time you promised me that we would go see the midnight showing of that documentary on mummies, and you forgot to set the alarm and we missed it."

Jane's eyes have filled with tears again.

Maura pulls her closer, "But I love you so much. Sometimes you don't do things, but they don't change how I feel about you, or whether or not I want to come home to you at the end of the day. I always do."

"I blamed you for-"

"You made a mistake. It happens. You're going to make more and it's not going to stop me from loving you. Unconditionally. I love you so much, pretty girl," Maura says, smiling when Jane relaxes at the pet name. "You're not perfect. And _I don't want you to be." _Jane lets out a huge shuddering sight that shakes them both, and she leans her full weight into Maura, finally letting herself be exhausted.

"And I like you mother...but she is wrong. None of this is your fault. None of it."

"Maura?" Jane trails her hand up Maura's stomach.

"yes, baby."

Jane hesitates. "can you...can you promise it?"

Maura responds immediately. She doesn't even think.

"You will always have me."

* * *

**He aint heavy pt. 1. I don't hate angela. and this convo is not over. I just think she has a lot of issues herself, and she is pretty bad at explaining her feelings. **

**for those of you who asked. there will be a frank moment, though I won't say good or bad. **

**for those of you who commented saying you'd read whenever. and the few of you who PMd saying you would read on an android phone in the middle of a snowstorm. I love you. you're wonderful. I will sequel this a day or so after the ending.**

**Anon? all caught up? 1b is not invited to the party. lol. or i missed it because I'm a dumb. your pick. **

**Fallen austin, AE ts. i want us all to sit around all day and talk nothing but rizzles. your comments make me cry. literally. cry. **


	49. Chapter 48

Jane sleeps fitfully, alternating between whimpering and snarling, her hands curling and uncurling, causing her face to ripple with pain. She calms only slightly when Maura pulls them together, as much of her touching the feverish slender body as possible. She rakes her hand through Jane's long hair and whispers in her ear, hoping that her words drown out the dream versions of her family.

"Hey…hey honey, it's alright. I'm here. I'm right here."

"Maur, look at your face," Jane says, her eyes still shut.

"It's okay, sweetness. It's okay. It doesn't hurt. It's okay."

Sleeping, she burrows closer with a growl that shudders into crying, "I'm not like him, I'm not like him, please. Don't leave me." And Maura holds her tighter, trying to decide whether or not to wake her and prove that she's there, that she's not going anywhere. But she is unsure that she would be able to keep the anger off her face and out of her voice, and Jane would definitely hear it and maybe interpret it as anger at her. And Maura is so angry that she can barely keep her breathing steady. Every time Jane whimpers she seems to hear Angela's voice ringing in her head. _And a damn good job you did too…_ "I know, honey, you're not your brother. I know. It's okay. I'm right here."

"I can't I can't I can't do it. I-" Jane curls her hands in her sleep, and Maura takes them, linking them with her own, feeling the scars on her palms, cool in comparison to the rest of her hands.

"_Please. I can't do this anymore." _Maura sobs a little. She can't help it. Sleeping Jane has the power to undo her completely. "Oh, honey," She says, trying to keep control of her voice, because if Jane wakes to her crying she will comfort her, and Maura wants to be the one to do that tonight. She gathers Jane to her, front to front pressing her lips to Jane's forehead, shifting so that they are facing each other, running her hands through Jane's hair, pressing and rubbing, trying this new position to calm her without waking her. It had taken her ages to fall asleep, and she finally had, face down in the pillow as if trying to smother herself. Maura had rolled her over as soon as her breathing had steadied. "Your _face,_ Maur," Jane mumbles and Maura kisses her.  
"Shh, sweetheart. It's okay."

An idea occurs to her and she rolls onto her back, pulling Jane onto top of her and positioning her head so that it is under her chin, against her heart.

The change in position does the trick almost immediately, and Jane quiets, sliding her hand up Maura's body and slipping her hand under the shoulder strap of her tank top. She holds onto it, like it's a handle, and her brow furrows slightly "Maura," she grumbles, flexing her hips slightly, making Maura gasp a little beneath her. She can't help but smile as Jane tightens her grip on Maura's tank top. She she mouths the word, _mine_ and Maura nods, wrapping her arms around the brunette and closing her eyes.

"Yes, baby, I'm all yours."

* * *

"Jane could get him out of there, but she'd have to pull all kinds of weight, call in every favor she's got…" Frost sits at the breakfast bar, hunched over the case file. Maura hands him a cup of coffee and motions for him to keep it down. He's come over early to check on them, and it's a testament to how exhausted Jane was that she didn't even hear the doorbell ring, only frowning a little in her sleep as Maura slipped from the bed.

"If she hears you say that, she's going to do it," Maura says. "You know as well as I do."

Frost sighs. "Does she know there's no bail yet?"

Maura shakes her head, "I saw her check her bank balance last night." Maura knows that Jane would never ask her for the money even if Tommy hadn't split her lip. It's something she has always loved about Jane: that usually she pretends that they have exactly the same amount of disposable income. But now, she finds it a little confusing, especially in light of their upcoming wedding, that Jane is blatantly ignoring her trust fund.

"Where's Frankie?" Maura asks, "I thought he would come with you."

Frost rubs at his face before looking back down at the file open in front of him, "He's with Angela. Trying to keep her from calling Jane every two seconds.

"Oh, no," Maura says suddenly, "Jane's _phone._"

Maura leaves the kitchen and walks quietly down the hall to the master bedroom, pushing the door open slowly.

Jane is spread out across the bed, tangled in the sheets as though she has been fighting with an imaginary monster. Maura tip toes up to her side of the bed, pocketing the detective's cell phone and creeping back out again.

Jane does not even stir.

Maura pads back into the kitchen, where Barry is engrossed in the file.

"This is pretty bad, Maura. Tommy knew both these other guys in prison. They have the same tattoos. They were on the same block and the same rotation. Plenty of time to sit and chat about how they're going to get rich quick once they get out."

Maura doesn't answer. She knows all of this. It's been sitting in the pit of her stomach for days.

"She still asleep?" Frost asks.

"Like the dead," Maura says, "And I should know." Frost laughs.

"That's a _joke_ doctor!" he says, "A good one! I'm impressed."

Maura smiles, feeling a little proud of herself and pulls out Jane's phone, but looking down at it, she feels both her smile and her pride slip away.

"Uh oh," Frost says, watching her face.

"I...I…" Maura looks up into Frost's confused brown eyes, feeling her anger curl itself into her throat like smoke. She hands Frost the phone and watches as he scrolls through the messages, his face becoming darker.

_Ma: Janie the officer down at the precinct says that Tommy doesn't have a bail. You have to go and get him out. Please. _

_Ma: Maybe you could exchange something. You know. Leave something behind as collateral. _

_Ma: …Jane? Why aren't you answering?_

"She was this single minded before he went in too," Frost says darkly. "It's like the worse that kid is, the more Angela loves him and the harder she leans on Jane. I don't get it."

"It's common for a single parent to turn the oldest child into a sort of pseudo parent as well," Maura says automatically. Anger is making her hands shake. "Delete those, will you?" she says and Frost looks at her, stunned.

"Delete-"

"Yes. And if anything other than 'I love you and you're a wonderful child' comes through from that woman you delete it too. Make sure Jane wakes up by eight thirty. If she gets up any later, she doesn't make it out of the house on time or with everything she needs."

Frost goes to argue, but something about her face stops him. Maura reaches for her keys.

"Where are you going?" He asks curiously.

"I'm going to speak to Angela."

* * *

"You have like, negative three minutes."

"I didn't do this, Jane I didn't rob that bank. There's no way I coulda. I was totally wasted when it happened."  
"Maybe you were too wasted to remember."

"I wasn't there. They don't have proof."

"You think if they didn't have proof you would be sitting here, you ass hole? You think if they hadn't found your prints all over that fucking van, you would have gotten denied bail? You know who they deny bail to, Tommy? Murderers. You're an accessory. TO MURDER."

"I would remember that."

"Do you remember hitting Maura?"

"WHAT?"

"Do you remember back handing my future wife across the face? Because I've got proof of that too."

"I didn't….That wasn't…I thought…Oh, shit."

"Yeah, oh shit is right. You better be happy that you're in protective custody and I'm not allowed to lay a hand on you, because I want to rip your throat out."

"Jane, I was so drunk."

"Great excuse asshole…I was drunk so I put my hands on her. I was angry so I put my hands on her. It was _Tuesday_ so I put my hands on her. You're a fucking-"

"So you came to tell me what a moron I am? You came to rub my face in the fact that I'm nothing? Get in fucking line, Jane. I lost my job. I lost my stupid nothing job at the fucking cafeteria in a nursing home, because they found out I have a criminal record. So I lost my job. Which means I couldn't get my own place. So you gotta pay rent for another 6 months for me, at least."

"Tommy-"

"And Ricky Dunn calls me and says he's got this painting job for me. And I'm like...It's something right? But Dunn fucking refused to pay me because he said I didn't paint right. Says I'm too shit faced to do it right. And he shoves me out of the van like we'nt been cell mates for five fucking years. So I got shit faced. And I passed out in the apartment."

"Great, where no one saw you. For _three_ _days._"

"It's the TRUTH. And when I get up, I'm hung over as hell. So I-"

"Get another handle of tequila and go assault my girlfriend?"

"I _dunnah_ what I was trying to do. I was way into my third when I got to the precinct… And then I'm fucking arrested. But Jane I swear to God I didn't do it. Ricky Dunn's the type of guy that woulda, but _not. Me._"

"Why, Tommy? What separates you from Ricky Dunn, huh?"

"You're my sister."

"What?"

"You…you're my sister and I wouldn't ever put you through the same shit as when I was a kid."

"…this. This feels like the same shit, T. I gotta tell you."

"I didn't _do it, _Jane."

"Look at me…You swear you didn't do it?"

"I _SWEAR_ to you."

"…then I won't let you go back to prison."

"Thank you, Janie. Thank you thank you."  
"Save it. It's not for you. And Tommy, if you come near Maura again, for _any_ reason at all, you'll wish you'd gotten life in here."

* * *

Maura watches from the surveillance van, barely able to hear Jane's words over the tremendous beating her heart. Jane had walked towards that building like there weren't two men with assault rifles pointing at her chest. Maura hugs herself, and Korsak puts his hand on her knee, but neither removes their eyes from the tiny screen.

Jane's Kevlar vest looks entirely too small and Maura thinks it would be completely useless if one of those men were to get spooked. The doctor watches as the detective slips her gun out of its holster and lays it on the ground, kicking it once.

Oh God, Jane.

...

_"Maura! Did Jane send you? Did she get Tommy? Where is he?"_

_"Jane did not send me. It's 7:45 in the morning so I hope that she's still asleep like when I left her. As for Tommy, I assume he is still in prison, if they've denied him bail." _

_"Jane's sleeping? How can she sleep when her brother is suffering in there? I could barely get a moment's sleep from all the worrying." Angela pulls her cell phone out of her pocket, pulling it open. _

_"Don't you dare text Jane right now and wake her up," Maura says, and she is almost surprised at how low and dangerous her voice comes out. Angela stares at her. _

_"Put it down, Angela. I need to talk to you," _

_"Maura it's going to have to." _

_"It cannot wait."_

_ ..._

Jane makes a gesture over her shoulder and two swat team officers creep up towards the gate. Maura starts a sigh of relief that turns into a little moan when she sees them retreating with the injured civilian. Jane continues to talk, nothing in her body language or tone suggesting that she is scared, or that she believes she could die. She stands, hands out towards the brothers, shoulders back, as though Maura hasn't explained to her - in great detail - how an automatic assault rifle's bullet can tear apart a person's organs. She reads the body language of the shooters, reads that Jane is getting to them. That her words are touching something in them.

"Korsak, that one on the right is too unstable. He's not gonna be talked down," She says

And Korsak speaks into his walkie without taking his eyes off the scene. "Train on one. Train on one." Maura looks back at the screen, where Jane stands, palm up.

"C'mon. gimme me the gun. Think of your _kids_."

_"How could you?" _

_"How could I what?" _

_"How could you come into our house and say those hateful, awful, hurtful things to Jane? How could you reject her so completely when she was asking you to reassure her? Did you do it on purpose? Because you knew she would give in to what you wanted? Or are you just so selfish and single minded that you actually didn't see her heart break when you dismissed her feelings?" _

_Angela stares, thunderstruck. "I…I…" _

_"And then. To send her those texts? At six thirty in the morning? After a day like that one? To ask her if she's helped to get her brother, suspect in a robbery/murder AND the person who did THIS," Maura points at her face, "out of lock up where he was denied bail?" Anger is making Maura's words run together, and she takes a deep steadying breath. "How. Could you? I have to know. I can't watch her hurt like that and not have a reason for why you shut her out so completely when she needs you so much." _

_Angela sits down on the threadbare sofa, rubbing her hands together. She looks older than Maura has seen her look. _

_"Jane doesn't need me."_

_..._

"Look. I get it. I know," Jane takes a step forward, and for the first time, the brothers guns don't twitch upwards at the movement. "I know what it's like to sit in the middle of an apartment with no furniture and no lights and no heat and stare at your last can of ravioli. I know what it's like to walk Newberry Street in the same socks and pair of pants you've been wearing all week, alright? I get it. And if it was just about money, I'd say shoot me, shoot those cops out there, take the money and bail."  
Jane takes another, bigger step closer.

"But what makes your boy feel secure, Carl, huh? Is it looking at how much money you got in the bank? No. it's going to sleep at night knowing you're down the hall. It's waking up in the morning and coming around the corner to see momma and daddy sitting there waiting for him to eat breakfast. He could wake up in a card board box feeling secure as long as he had that. You gonna take that away from him?"

...

_"Of course Jane needs you. Why would you say that?" _

_"She hasn't asked for anything from me in such a long time. She used to, but then Frank left and I had to start working harder. She asked and Tommy was in trouble, or Frankie needed a new jacket, or I had to work late and after a while she just…stopped asking." Angela rubs her eyes, "And I guess I just. I needed her to do these things for me, and she never once complained. But Tommy was running wild. He was the boy that really needed me. Jane's need was so quiet, I could ignore it. Pretend it wasn't there."_

_Maura comes to sit down next to Angela, taking the older woman's hand.  
"When Frank took Tommy away…that day…I ran after them. I didn't even check to see if Jane was okay. Frankie called 911." Angela gives a little hiccup and begins to cry. Maura tries to focus on the pity she feels for this woman and not the stab of revulsion that hits her as she pictures Jane unconscious, her mother running right past her. _

_"And then I guess I resented her. Because she won Frankie's devotion and I couldn't even win my youngest son's time of day," The words are tumbling out of Angela now, as if she can't stop. "And so I tried to get her to bring Tommy home. And when it didn't work, I tried to get her to keep her eyes on him because he __**needed**__ someone." _

_Maura squeezes Angela's hand and they look at each other. "Jane needed someone too." _

_Angela wipes at a tear slipping down her cheek. "Have I ruined everything, Maura? Have I pushed her too far?" _

_Maura considers. "No. I don't think you ever could," she says quietly._

_"But it has to change." _

_..._

Maura watches Jane stride through the crowd, heading towards the surveillance van, her eyes trained on the spot where she knows the camera is. She flashes a smile that is intended just for Maura, and mouths, _We won._ Maura stands and pushes open the back of the truck as Jane comes around the side, lifting her down of the platform, her arms strong and wonderful. Maura swoons a little.

"Korsak tells me you told him to train on Carl," She says, smiling as she moves to step back and Maura follows her, not finished hugging.

"I did."

"Thank you for saving my life, Dr. Isles."

Maura chuckles. "I saved you a very painful bruise, perhaps, but not your life," she says patting the Kevlar, much stronger looking now that Jane is not entrusting her life to it.

"I have to clean up, statement, gun check, and then we can go home?" She asks hopefully.

"Don't you want to go be there when they release Tommy?"

Jane's expression clicks like a light, off. On. "No."

Maura nods, knowing not to press. "Okay. I'll wait here." One last hug.

As she watches Jane saunter away from her, officers following her with their gazes, reverent as ever.

Maura smiles, pulling out her cell phone, decision made.

"Mother? You remember you said to call you if we needed anything?" Maura bites her lip. "Well I need a favor.

A big one."

* * *

**Woah buddy, they just keep getting longer!**

**who's ready for a Rizzles wedding?**

**some shout outs and some answered questions:**

**Cheree: noooo. live! I didn't mean to break you :( I hope it was the good kind. where you are also happy? **

**Ichigo, bookiewookiework,alac, lauren, nikki, magicmiz, you guys are relatively new commentors and I thank you much for your support theses last couple chaps. It's been so great to see the support, and i hope you'll keep reading right on through. **

**fergz1 heatwave, jmpack, jobee, davislp, ts. I gotta say i did not think ya'll would be cool with the way I took Angela. But I'm overjoyed you saw my vision and I hope she redeemed herself a little. **

**As for Tommy. There may not be any hope...I dunno. I might have ruined him for you when he hit maura...we'll see. **

**Fallen Austin, you go to work, mad early! 6? but now that I know I'll try to get them out before that or way after. lol. **

**AE. this is a vicious cycle. I write, you cry, you write, i cry...have we broken it yet?**

**Rizzles wedding will either be up late to night or sometime tomorrow AM. It's a long one...I'm just trying to get it all typed up around...you know...eating and sleeping and hoping like CRAZY that America chooses a good president. **

**happy reading!**

**t.c.**


	50. Chapter 49

Maura is already on the tarmac when she sees Jane's car pull up, and she bounces on the balls of her feet nervously, waiting for the car to come to a stop. It's a beautiful day, not a cloud in the sky, and Maura glances up at the clear bright blue, hoping only that the weather stays nice and clear for the entire flight.

Maura glances back down to see Jane emerging from the towncar, and she almost loses her balance. Jane is wearing a pale yellow tank top and skinny jeans, her feet in brand new purple flats, and her hair pulled back into a loose little ponytail. She turns and reaches for her bag but the driver shoos her away from it, pointing towards Maura, and Jane looks up, and smiles.

"Okay. You're gone when I wake up and there's a strange man in my house…You're lucky I didn't shoot him, Maur," she says embracing her girlfriend.

"You look wonderful," is all Maura can say.

Jane rolls her eyes, "you always say that like you're surprised it could ever happen." But she backs up and spreads her arms out, showing off her new outfit. "Do you like it? The woman in the first store picked it out, and said it complimented my figure…" she looks at Maura who pulls a face.

"Well, she was definitely right, but unfortunately I'm going to have to have her fired," she reaches for Jane again, "checking out your figure." She mutters and Jane giggles.

"_Mauraaa_. Are you gonna tell me what is happening? You call us out at work, you arrange this crazy shopping spree…and then you have me brought…here?

Maura turns them around, pointing at a jet. "We're going away." She says as Jane's eyes widen. "I'm going to marry you, Jane Rizzoli."  
She feels Jane's hand tighten around her waist

"This weekend."

...

Jane has been on a plane exactly three times in her life, and each experience was cold and boring. Shoved in with a ton of people and given tiny cups of water that would not sustain anyone for more than a couple minutes. Maura watches her girlfriend wander around the cabin of the private plane as they taxi to the run way.

"This is nicer than my apartment was," Jane says, opening a tiny fridge and peering inside. "How did you do all this in a week?"

Maura smiles, "My mother actually helped me a lot," Maura says, smiling when Jane turns to her, clearly shocked.

"Ladies, if you would, take your seats for take-off? As soon as we get to our cruising altitude, you'll be free to move about the cabin once more." The pilot's voice comes over the PA, friendly and conversational, and Jane sits down, buckling her seat belt and looking out the window excitedly.

"Maur, where are we going?" Jane asks.

"You'll see!"

"What if I bought the wrong type of stuff?"

"They wouldn't have let you," Maura says simply. "And you're dressed perfectly now…"

The plane tips back and a flicker of fear passes over Jane's face. Maura reaches for her hand. "Are you scared?"

Jane looks offended, but it quickly fades back into fear as the plane jostles a little. "No…I mean…not….it's a huge metal structure and it's in the _air,_ Maura."

"Would you like me to explain why it's able to defy gravity by-"

"NO." Jane says firmly. "And don't say 'defy gravity' anymore, please."

But the plane climbs steadily and eventually levels out, and as soon as she can, Maura unbuckles her seatbelt and comes to sit next to Jane, running her hand up her thigh. "Let me take your mind off the flight," she whispers, and Jane sighs into the touch, but looks nervously up towards the cockpit.

Maura smiles, leaning in to kiss down her girlfriend's neck. "They can't hear us," she whispers in Jane's ear, feeling the brunette tense and shudder, "And even if they could…" She bites down gently on Jane's ear, pulling a moan from her throat that Maura echoes softly.

"Maura," Jane says, just the tiniest bit of resistance left in her voice.

But Maura shifts so she is sitting on Jane's lap, facing her, and bends down to kiss her shoulder, sliding the strap of her tank top down. "You can't wear something like this and not expect me to want to take it off you. It's a biological response that's beyond my-"

"shhh googlemouth," Jane says, and her voice is low and gravelly, sending shivers up Maura's spine. "You don't have to convince me."

Maura throws her head back as she feels Jane's hands slip under her shirt and unhook her bra. Jane's long fingers work quickly over the buttons on the front, and Maura gasps as cold air and then warm, gentle lips close over her front.

Jane pushes her hips out, and Maura groans, but manages to pull herself away, standing and backing up towards the tiny two person couch.

Jane stands too, her chest heaving and her eyes roving over Maura, blouse undone fly open, hair in her face, and her expression darkens. She raises her eyes to meet Maura's, waiting, and the doctor gasps a little at the animal look on her face.

"Yes," she whispers, "Come take what's yours."

Jane doesn't need a second invitation, and she pushes Maura back onto the little couch, immediately slipping her out of her skirt, tossing it aside.

She sits back above Maura, just looking, gaze coming higher and higher until they are looking into each other's eyes.

"Maura,"

A nod.  
"Can I try.." Jane leans forward, taking her wrists in one hand, pushing them up above her head. Maura pushes lightly against the restraint, and Jane releases her at once.

"No," Maura says opening her eyes. "Don't let me go."

"What if you get scared?" Jane's eyes search Maura's face, apprehensive and concerned and…hungry.

"I trust you, Jane." Maura dips her fingers between her own legs and then brings them to her mouth. She feels Jane stop breathing. "I need you."

With a groan that sounds like she's in pain, Jane bends, taking Maura's hands in hers and pushing them up above her head. When Maura pushes against them again, Jane growls, holding tighter.

Maura's hips spasm, "_Jane,_ I need you…please."

"Again," Jane demands, her hand teasing and touching, barely there, driving Maura crazy.

"I need you. God, I need you. Please, Jane."

"Look at me." It's a command, and Maura's eyes fly open, half surprised, half enraptured. She finds Jane's eyes, dark and glazed over with wanting, but hesitant.

Maura whimpers, so close she could break apart, "_Jane_," she whispers, trying to convey everything in just that one word, trying reassure and consent and beg all at the same time.

Jane seems to understand, she bends down over Maura, slipping one finger inside, "Whose are you?" She whispers against Maura's ear.

"Yours," Maura says immediately, gasping when she feels another finger. "I'm yours. I-I, Oh, Goddd."  
She presses up with her hips, but Jane shies away, "No." she says firmly, making Maura whimper, "Not. Not until I say you can." Maura nods, moaning, getting even wetter, but managing not to flex her hips. "Again," Jane growls.

"I'm yours, I'm yours, you have me completely, and I need you so badly…_please_ Jane."

"You're mine," Jane says, and she adds a finger, curling it inside. Maura's head falls back and she nods frantically, desperate to please the woman above her so she keeps doing what she's doing.

"All yours, all yours, oh-oh…Jane. Please. Please let me. Let me show you." She opens her eyes to look up at her girlfriend, breathless and imploring. Jane's eyes are a little shocked, but mostly dark with lust and power. She smiles, and Maura whimpers.  
"You want to come for me? Doctor?"

"Please, please, please," Maura can't even consider that there are other words in the English language.  
Jane leans down, pressing her lips to Maura's. "Okay, then. Come on, baby. Come" she orders, and Maura obeys immediately, her long, strangled moan mingling with the hum of the plane's engine.

* * *

Costa Rica.

Jane and Maura are back in their respective outfits when the plane lands and the hatch door opens, though both a little sweatier, and Maura has lost her underwear…and nothing can be done about Jane's hair. They descend the stairs and Jane looks around, eyes wide and excited and awe struck. She squeezes Maura's hand and fixes her with a smile that makes the medical examiner wish they had another hour on the plane together.

"Costa Rica, Maur? Oh my God!"

"You like it?" Maura asks, trying to keep the nervous tremor out of her voice.

"Oh my GOD!" Jane says, pulling her closer.

Maura laughs. "Come on. We have a car over there."

Jane snuggles against Maura on the ride to the hotel, her eyes closing and a smile playing on her lips, and Maura rubs her shoulder gently, feeling the detective loosen and relax against her. It's the first time in a long time that she doesn't feel the knots of tension when she runs her hand along the back of Jane's neck.

The hotel is amazing. Of course it is, she's an Isles and her mother has made sure that everyone knows it. The greet her at the car and shoo Jane away once more as she reaches automatically for her bags. Maura tips them all carefully and overindulgently, speaking in fluent Spanish. They grin and usher her inside, herding Jane after her like a stray sheep. Jane is thoroughly amazed by their attentiveness, and she stares at Maura through wide eyes as she checks them in in Spanish, and nods as the man behind the counter gestures towards the elevators and more bellmen materialize out of nowhere to take their things.

"You okay?" Maura asks in the elevator, because Jane's face seems to be stuck permanently on shock.

Jane shakes her head experimentally, as though seeing if this is a dream that will dislodge from her mind with a good shake. "This is crazy. I was just in Boston this morning."

Maura smiles nervously, "There's more…are you okay? Is this okay?"

Jane looks at her, "I'm fine, I just…this is surreal."

Maura grasps Jane's hand. "I love you," she says.

"I love you too."

...

"Oh, Maura," Jane breathes as they enter their suite. "This is…this is amazing."

Maura smiles, "I was always quite fond of this hotel growing up."

Jane gapes at her, and Maura blushes, "Everyone here is very nice, and," she pulls back the curtain on the door to the balcony. "The view is amazing."

Jane fumbles with the door trying to get it open, so eager is she to get out to the balcony, and Maura follows behind her, laughing.

You can see almost everything from this height. They wide open ocean pushes up against the white beaches which give way to the primeval looking jungle. It's like a snap shot of the world, and Jane can't stop looking.

"Down there?" Maura points, "That's our beach. We can go down tomorrow if you want…and if you follow it down, you'll see where it gets lost in the tree line? There's the most beautiful walk through the woods, to this tiny little clearing. And the trees almost, pull away, and if it's sunny…God, it's gorgeous. And I-"

But Jane turns and kisses her, gentle and lingering, making Maura see stars. "Like my fantasy," She says quietly, and Maura nods. "I didn't know which one you might like better so I…I did both."  
"Where's the volcano?" Jane says, kissing Maura again. "You did all of this for me?"

Maura nods, wrapping her arms around Jane's waist. It's been a little under an hour since the plane ride, and already she can feel the heat building in her stomach again.

She leans her head on Jane's shoulder, and for a moment they just stand together, Jane rubbing her back and staring out at the view, and Maura holding onto Jane, eyes closed. Seeing nothing but them.

…

Something happens to Jane in the shower. She changes into a sparkling midnight blue dinner dress (is this okay? It's blue…are you sure? I got a black one too…) and as Maura leads her down to dinner, she notices that Jane's shoulders slumping a little.

"Dr. Isles and her Rizzoli," The host says in broken English as they approach. Jane chuckles. "You are ready for dinner? We have your table out on the patio all ready for you."

"Thank you," Maura says, pulling at Jane. "Honey?" Jane follows at once, smiling at her, but immediately her eyes fall back to the floor as they begin to walk.

Maura frowns.

He leads them to a table set for two in the middle of several empty ones, pulling out the chair for Maura, and then Jane. "Drinks? A white wine for the doctor and…will you have wine or beer, detective?"

"Wine," Jane says, looking surprised. "Red, though," She glances at Maura, "Okay?"

"Of course."

Drinks, Appetizers, palette cleanser.

Something is bothering Jane. Maura feels her chest constrict, even though she already thinks she knows what's wrong. _But what if it isn't that…what if it's something you can't fix?_

"Jane?"

Jane looks up from her hands, a little guiltily.  
"What's wrong. Do you not like it?"

"God, no!" Jane tugs on her fingers, "It's beautiful, it's…it's so wonderful, and you're so wonderful to do this for us…and…we're getting married here this weekend," she says quietly, and her face falls minutely before she's able to shut down the emotion behind it.

Maura reaches out for Jane's hand, rubbing her thumb over her knuckles, "What is it, baby?" she asks. _What if it's not what you think…what if you can't fix it…_ "Tell me. Do you not want to marry me?" _what if…_

"Of course I do, Maura!" Jane's eyes meet hers, and Maura feels her panic increase, Jane's eyes have tears in them.

"I just, I always thought that my family would be there," a tear slips down Jane's cheek "I…I always thought I would dance with Frankie, you know? And Ma would cry way too loudly and, Frost would cat call and Korsak would give me away and…" She wipes angrily at her face, "I know it's so selfish of me to think those things after you did all of this for us and I'm so sorry. I don't want to …you're laughing." Jane stares at Maura through her tears. "Why are you laughing Maur, I'm ruining our wedding and you're…"  
But Maura can't help herself, she leans back in her chair and lets the relief wash over her, laughing and trying not to cry herself. "Oh, Jane." She says, happily. "Oh, I love you so much."

Maura stands, catching the eye of the waiter standing nearby.

"Ahora?" he says, and Maura nods, gesturing that Jane should stand too. "You took a little longer than I thought you would," Maura whispers, coming to stand next to her girlfriend, slipping her arm around her waist. Jane peers down at her. "What are you…" but she stops dead as two familiar voices ring out from behind her.

"Excuse me, ma'am. I'm headed to my sister's wedding dinner. She's getting married tomorrow."

"Yep. On a beach. Or in the jungle. The invitation was a little vague."

"Sloppy, sloppy work, Dr. Isles."

Jane spins to see Frankie and Frost coming towards her from the dining room. Angela is behind them, her eyes already glistening with tears, holding onto Korsak's arm. And trailing them, looking nervously happy…is Tommy.

"Maura…" Jane's mouth moves over the name, but nothing actually comes out.  
Maura smiles, giving her a little push, "I know you, Jane Rizzoli," she says quietly. "I know just what you want."

Jane looks at her, her expression one of such love and adoration and wild happiness that Maura reaches out, leaning on the table. "_go_," She says, and Jane does, sprinting towards Frankie, who lifts her off her feet with his hug.

Frost approaches Maura, wrapping his arms around her, "You are amazing Doctor," he whispers in her ear before pulling back.

Maura watches Jane sob into Frankie's shoulder, before pulling back and punching him, hard. She turns and looks at Maura, and she raises her long fingered hands to her heart, her eyes soft and full of gratitude and affection.

Maura returns the gesture, her lips moving over just one word. _Love_

Jane breaths deeply, looking like she's going to cry again, but yelping in surprise instead as Frost swings her off her feet from behind, saving her, as always.

* * *

In the end, Jane chooses the beach.

In the end, she chooses a white sundress and no shoes with blue toenails. She borrows a gold tie from Frost and weaves it into a braid in her hair, and she cries when Korsak gives her his grandmother's necklace, three generations old and "going to someone who couldn't deserve it more."

In the end, the new thing that Jane has isn't something that anyone can see. It's a feeling building inside her chest and running through her veins. It's sweet and hot and it pushes her forward to stand next to the chaplain. It keeps her from feeling anything but happy. It bursts inside her like a too full balloon when she turns and sees Maura walking down the aisle, towards her.

...

_I thought I was different, when I was a kid. You came into my life and you changed it completely in such a short amount of time, and then you just disappeared. And I thought I was weird and wrong, because I would watch all these other kids fall in love and out of love and right back in…and I couldn't understand why I couldn't do that. Why I couldn't just….I always felt so unlucky._

_But this last year, having you back and with me, waking up next to you in the morning and falling asleep against you at night. I feel so bad for those other kids, who didn't get to have what we had. Who don't get to have what we have now. I __**am**__special. And I __**am**__ different. Because I have you. _

_And God..I'm. I'm so lucky._

_..._

Maura chooses a white gown, silk but no charmeuse. Strapless and fitted through the waist and flowing and layered down to the floor. But Maura also opts for no shoes, and her ears have two little blue stones set with diamonds.  
Maura's something old is a sash, lace and long and delicate, brought by Angela, who wore the same thing on her wedding, and her mother before that. Maura doesn't just cry, but wraps her arms around the older woman, holding on tight, whispering, "I love it, Mama. It's beautiful. It's perfect."

And then, at the very end, Maura's something borrowed arrives with Constance Isles, who sweeps into her dressing room fifteen minutes before the wedding is supposed to happens, and settles the sparkling diamond tiara on Maura's head without so much as a hello. Shocked hazel eyes meet blue in the mirror, and Constance smiles a little, and her face really is quite soft, when she wants it to be.

"You look, just like I did when I married your father," she says, and her eyes get a little teary. Constance Isles hugs her daughter around her waist from behind, kissing the back of her head, before turning and sweeping from the room, heading to the beach to join the others.

And Maura has her something new.

...

_I always say I fell in love with you in your arms. That when you saved my life, I fell completely in love with you, and nothing could change that. But that's just the moment I could put a feeling to the emotion. _

_I loved you the moment I saw you, Jane. _

_I loved you the moment I looked up and saw you and you smiled at me with those eyes. _

_And you speak about being lucky, but I'm the lucky one. Because without you. I am not me. I've never known anyone to understand me, to love me, to need me and let herself be needed so completely as you do. _

_And I will spend the rest of my life trying to show you how greatful, how in love…_

_I love you so much, pretty girl. _

_I love you. So much._

* * *

"It was beautiful." Angela says, coming to sit next to her daughter. They are eating dinner, Frankie and Tommy and Frost laughing and singing a couple tables down, and Maura gets up as Angela approaches. "I think I'll check on Korsak," she says, squeezing her wife's wrist and heading off.

"Thanks Ma." Jane says. "look. About what I said…I didn't mean that you weren't"

"I was an awful mother to you." Angela cuts across her. "You were so good, and you tried so hard. You deserved more than my constant nagging and demands. I should have told you how important you were, how important you _are_ to me, Jane. I'm so sorry."

Maura hears this, from the next table over, and she smiles, imagining the look on Jane's face.

"I know it was hard for you, Ma. After Pop left. And he left because of me, and I just wanted to…"

"You never say that again. Ever. Your father left because he was unable to see how smart and wonderful and strong and genuine you are. But that is not your fault. That's his fault entirely. Oh, Janie, is that what you think?"  
Maura sees Jane nod out of the corner of her eye.  
"Oh, honey. No. Your father left because he's an idiot. And an asshole. I don't blame you and I never could. I never would. I _love_ you, Jane. I know it might sound like empty words now. But I love you. And I'm so proud of everything you've done and who you've become. And I hope you'll start to believe that soon."

Angela gets up, and is about to walk away, when Jane stands, grabbing her arm and pulling her into a hug. "I love you, Ma."

Angela pulls away, and smiles, patting the side of her daughter's cheek. She pulls something out of her pocket. "This is your youngest brother's wedding present. I drove him each time and sat outside to make sure he didn't leave and go somewhere else. No," Angela holds up her hand. "You don't have to talk to him tonight, or for as long as you want, and it was very, very nice of Maura to fly him along too. But I've told him to leave you two alone while he's here, and he understands."

She walks away towards her youngest children, and Maura approaches Jane, curiousity getting the better of her.

In her hand is an AA chip. Seven Days Clean.

* * *

Jane carries Maura over the threshold of their suite, which is enough to get Maura started, and she places kisses all over the brunette's neck and chest as they flop down on the bed together.

"If your dress didn't cost my yearly salary, I would rip it off you immediately," Jane grumbles, and Maura giggles, rolling over so that Jane can unzip her.

"Wait." She says as Jane crawls up the bed towards her. "I have something for us. I want us to…well, wait. Let me get it." She rolls off the bed and disappears into the bathroom, returning with the bag almost immediately.

Jane takes it and looks inside, and her face goes blank with shock.

She looks up at Maura with wide eyes. "You want me to…"

Maura nods, sitting down on the edge of the bed. "Can you?"

Jane contemplates. "I don't know. I've never done it before…" Jane's face shifts as she thinks about it, and Maura reads her expressions. Fear, nervousness, want…fear…want, lust…fearlust.

Maura smiles. "You want me," she says, her voice low and seductive. You want to. I can see it in your face."

Jane drags her dark eyes up Maura's body, and shivers. She nods.

Maura leaps up the bed and burrows under the covers. "Then come take me," She whispers.  
Jane growls.

"Turn off the light."

…

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," Maura thinks her whole nervous system is concentrated between her legs.

"Maura,"  
"Yes. Yes. _Please_…" She pulls her hands up Jane's back, trying to pull them together, feeling the body above her twitch, and almost give in at her words. Maura lifts her head up so that her mouth is against Jane's ear. "You like it when I beg you?"

Jane twitches again. A nod. "But I don't want you to feel like-"

But Maura stops Jane's words with a kiss and leans back against the pillow. "_Please._" She whispers. And Jane's breathing hitch.

"Please what?" Jane asks, taking Maura's hands again.

"Please take me."

"Why?" Jane asks, her voice rumbling against Maura like a tiny earthquake.  
"Because I want you to make me yours."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Please, I can't wait any longer, I _need_ you, I need-" But Jane does. Entering her with one swift smooth motion of her hips and Maura climaxes immediately, her fingernails digging into Jane's back.

It seems to go on and on, and Maura is falling and falling, rolling her head back and forth on the pillow, only vaguely aware that Jane's thrusts are becoming more and more erratic.

"Maura," Jane's gritting her teeth. "I think that I can…"  
"Good. God, I want you to…let go it's okay. You won't hurt me…Baby. Jane. _Please._" Maura says, wrapping her legs around Jane's waist, locking them together as Jane bites down hard on Maura's shoulder, body convulsing incredibly hard against her.

They lay wrapped around each other for a long, long time, Jane breathing hard against Maura's chest, and Maura running her hands through Jane's hair.

"That was…" Jane finally says.

Maura nods, feeling Jane wriggling free of the harness so that she can tuck herself comfortably into Maura's side. She feels the brunette kiss the side of her mouth, before sighing and letting her head droop onto her shoulder.

"Maura," she says, but nothing else. Nothing else needs to be said.

Maura feels her eyes closing and gives her girlfriend…her _wife_… a squeeze.

"Jane."


	51. Chapter 50

_Jane kicks a rock ahead of them as they head towards her house. Frost and Frankie are trailing behind her talking about comic books. _

_"I got a Guardian action figure at home," Frankie saying. _

_"You do not," Frost says dismissively_

_"Yeah I do. My Pop got him for me last birthday..." _

_Jane isn't really listening, her mind too full to pay attention. _

_"Jane, tell Frost I do totally have a guardian action figure. The real one." _

_Jane looks up, distracted, "what?" _

_"What's wrong with you anyway?" Frankie asks, darting in front of her and kicking her rock before she can. _

_"Frankie, stop being a dick what the hell?" _

_Frankie stops running and stares at his sister, is face suddenly grim with understanding. "Oh, man...are you on," he lowers his voice, "your time of the month, Jane?" _

_Jane takes a swing at him, half heartedly, and he dodges it easily. "Ugh. Why are all my friends boys? Or assholes." Jane bites her lip, feeling guilty about the swear. If Maura were here she'd be frowning._

_If Maura was here..._

_"She's just in a mood because Steve Sander asked her out and she accidentally said yes," Frost says nonchalantly. _

_Frankie stops dead. "What?" he asks, his mouth dropping over. "Steve Sander, like football Steve Sander? Holy Cow, Jane." _

_"Yeah, Kelly Flannigan nearly turned her desk over when she heard. she wants his fun stick so bad."_

_Jane sighs. _

_Boys._

* * *

Jane can feel Maura's eyes on her as finishes her work out. She punches hard at the bag that Maura has had hung from the ceiling of the basement, feeling irrationally irritated. She takes a punch and hits wrong with her right hand and it sends a spark of pain up to her elbow.

"Fucking shit fuck," she hisses, raising her other hand to stop the blonde in the doorway, because Maura has taken a couple steps forward.  
"Jane?"

"I just hit it wrong, Maur. It's fine."

"I can look at-"

"No. No. I'm done anyway. I'm..." Jane pulls at the wrap on her hands, rolling her shoulders. She can still feel those intense hazel eyes on her, calculating. She sighs, trying to release some of the tension in her body. Usually a good work out serves to diffuse some of her anger, and leaves her feeling exhausted but calm. This work out has only served to wind her up more.

She thinks of Steve Sanders worried face as he tried to talk to her in the gymnasium last night. If she had just listened to him...

"Jane. We're going to find Steve's killer, you know." Hearing Steve's name from Maura's mouth makes her feel uncomfortable. She sighs, but doesn't turn around.

"It's not your fault that he's dead, either," Maura tries again, and Jane knows she looking for an opening, trying several different talking points until she finds the one that is bothering Jane. Usually it makes Jane happy, and helps her figure out her own thoughts, but today it makes her angry. _Christ_. Everything is making her angry lately.

She punches the bag again, hard, with her right hand, unwrapped, and grits her teeth through the pain as it shoots up into her shoulder.

"Stop it!" Maura comes all the way over to her now, taking her hand in her own and bringing the knuckles up to her lips. "Honey, what is it?"

"Nothing," Jane says tiredly, knowing that Maura will see through the lie immediately. "I just didn't want to go to that stupid reunion and see all those people again and remember all that time..." she trails off.

Maura steps a little closer to her, "I'm right here, Jane." she says quietly, and when Jane looks at her, she offers a small little smile. "Tell me?"

But Jane shakes her head. She couldn't even if she knew. "I'm gonna shower and we'll go, okay?"

* * *

_Frankie knocks on her door after dinner. She's doing her homework on her bed, and she doesn't look up as he enters. _

_"What's up, Frankie? Is it algebra again, because I'm pretty sure that I know less than you do." _

_"Are you really going out with Steve Sander?" _

_Jane looks up. "I don't know...He didn't really ask it like it was a date, and so I said sure, and then Kelly's giving me the death stare in Bio just because I said yes? By lunch it's all around the cafeteria that I'm stealing her man."  
Frankie whistles low, and sits down on the edge of her bed. "Steve's brother Nico is one grade behind me at school," He says, "and everyone kisses his butt because of Steve. If you dated him, I bet people wouldn't care that I wear a girl coat," Frankie says wistfully. Jane thinks of the coat Maura got her last winter, already too small and given to Frankie.  
"Who cares you wear a coat that's a little...feminine?" Jane asks. _

_Frankie sighs, looking at her, "You can't beat everyone up, Jane," he says with a wry smile. _

_Jane fake lunges at him, causing him to somersault of the bed, "How about just you then?" she says, laughing as he jumps up into a ninja pose. ready for her. She loves moments like this, when she can make Frankie act like a kid instead of an old man. _

_He straightens up after a moment, when it's clear she's not really going to come after him, and his face becomes thoughtful again. "So. You like guys now?" _

_Jane's face hardens, "I don't know." _

_"What will Maura think when she comes back this summer?" _

_Jane tries to swallow, but her mouth has gone dry. "I don't know." She says honestly. _

_Frankie contemplates her. "You trying not to love her anymore?" _

_Jane feels tears burn at the back of her eyes, but she focuses all her energy on not letting them out and eventually they retreat. Not trusting her voice, she simply nods. _

_"How's it going?" Frankie asks. _

_Jane manages a smile. "Not great."_

* * *

Maura slides the coffee along the desk until it is touching Jane's hand. Jane looks up from her case file, and watches Maura's expression slip from mild concern to outright worry. Jane knows she doesn't look great.

"It's time to go home." Maura says firmly, in the voice that tells Jane not to argue with her.

She stands stiffly, and Maura reaches out and runs her hand over her shoulder, and the detective knows she is feeling the knots of worry and tension there and trying to figure out the best way to relieve some of it.

"Do you want to go to the robber?" Maura asks, running her hand down Jane's arm and taking her hand.

Jane shakes her head. "I want to go home," she says. Three of her classmates are dead, and she doesn't know why. It's the not knowing that's driving her crazy.

Steve was a good guy, one of her few Allies in high school and Maria had been alright too, someone to sit with at lunch when Frost wasn't there. She'd _liked_ these people. And she hadn't been able to save them.

"Honey, we're home." Maura says, putting her hand on Jane's leg and making her jump.

She looks around, disoriented, not even remembering getting in the car. She'd been thinking so hard.

Maura leads her inside, one hand steady in the small of her back, and once inside, Jane heads straight for the couch, sinking into it and closing her eyes. She feels Maura sit down next to her and her fists curl automatically.

"I remember Steve Sander," Maura says, and her voice is conversational, but Jane knows that her eyes are watching Jane's face. "He was always very polite to me. And he never called me Maura the Bora."

Jane shrugs, "What happened to the guys that called you that?" she says with her eyes still closed.

"You hit them."

"Yes. I did."

* * *

"_There's a beast in you, Jane Rizzoli."_

_Jane stands, breathing heavily, but ready to go another round if it should come to that. _

_"What?" She asks between breaths. _

_Steve tucks the basketball under his arm, looking at her. "I said there's a beast in you. What drives you like that?" _

_Jane looks at him. Surely beast is a little extreme. "huh?" _

_The moment that Steve had shown up on her door, Jane had known that this was not going to work. She'd told him as much, right there on her door step. How she was in love with someone else, and that Kelly was probably more his type. _

_But Steve had smiled, "It's okay, Jane," he'd said, "I can still take you for a burger though, right? This guy you're in love with over me...he a big dude? Jealous type?" _

_Jane had smiled, "She's little. And she's in Switzerland." _

_Steve had raised his eyebrows, and Jane had readied herself, feeling a little bad that she was going to have to blacken the eye of the star basketball center. _

_But Steve hadn't made a joke. In fact, he'd nodded and said. "Maura, right? I can see why." and winked. _

_Jane had instantly warmed to him. "Let's play for the burger. Loser buys." _

_"You," Steve says now, coming over to her. "I've seen you play hockey and basketball and lacrosse and you play all of them like you've got a man running behind you with a whip."_

_Jane shrugs. "I like sports."_

_Steve shrugs, "you like how they make you feel, I think," he says easily, "Hey, don't sweat it," he says, seeing her face. "I like that about them too. Like you're in control and powerful and nothing can touch you, and then at the end you're tired enough that even the things that stress you don't stress you anymore." Jane stares at him and he shrugs. "what, you think you're the only one with a beast? why do you think I'm a three season athlete?" _

_When she continues to stare, he looks at her, "What?" his hand goes to his nose, "Am I booging?" _

_She laughs, caught off guard, a real genuine laugh. "Booging?" _

_"Like when there's a boog hanging out of your nose and you're just talking to some cute girl, or in your case...no, wait...I guess it's the same...and there's just this giant boog hanging there?"_

_Jane stares at him incredulously. "There's no way that you have ever been talking to a girl with a booger hanging out of your nose." she says, laughing again. _

_Steve sighs, "You don't know this, Jane, but guys are gross...Who knows what could be coming out of my nose, my mouth my ass, at anytime." _

_"Keep talkin' charmer." _

_He laughs, and rolls the basketball towards the garage. "So, burger? You whipped my ass, so I'm obviously buying." _

_"I eat a lot." _

_"I brought like twenty dollars. That's almost five big macs."_

* * *

_"_Maura, are you sleeping?"

"No."

Jane is rolled away from Maura in the bed, facing the green glow of the alarm clock, 2:24 AM. "Why are you still awake?" she asks, the shock of Maura's voice nearly knocking her train of thought.

Maura sighs, and she sounds irritated. "Well, honestly Jane, you've been sleeping away from me for the past five nights, and I'm not used to falling asleep without you tucked into me. I thought that tonight would be different since we won, but obviously I was wrong."

Jane rolls over to face Maura, so surprised by the bite to her voice that she doesn't really know what to say. "Oh...Maur, I-why didn't you say something."

Maura sighs, but doesn't answer, and Jane wishes she had the power read faces like Maura does.

"I wanted to give you your space to grieve for your class mates in your own way. It's clear that you were intimate with Steve Sander, and I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable by-"

But Jane sits up, snapping on the light, _"Intimate with_...wha? No! ugh. Gross. No way."

Maura looks at her, confused.

"You think I've been upset because Steve and I were...yelch, Maur, come on. I thought you were an expert at reading people."

Maura's expression is somewhere between confusion and annoyance. "I _am_ an expert at reading people (although I shouldn't have to read my own girlfriend) and all your body language and the way your face has been moving this week point to-"

"Do you think there's a beast in me, Maura?" Jane cuts her off by accident. She'd tuned out around 'body language' when she'd remembered what it was she wanted to ask.

"What?" Maura looks completely put out.

"Do you think there's something ugly and...cruel inside me? That I can't control?"

Maura's face softens a little. "You're going to have to start at the beginning, Jane," she says gently. "You've had all week to work up to that question and...as adept as I am at facial detective work, I have no idea where you are coming from.

"Steve told me once that I had a beast in me. Like this crazy bad streak. We talked about once on this...fake date."

Maura makes a face, but Jane presses on. "When I was a kid...after Pop left and then you..." She sees Maura wince a little. "I was...I didn't..." Jane curls her fists. "What if it's still in there? What if I'm like a time bomb?"

Maura regards Jane for a moment before holding out her arms. "Come here." she says. and Jane moves to tuck herself into Maura's side as they lie back down. Jane does have to admit that it feels much better to be in bed like this.

"Well?" She says, because Maura has been silent for a long time.

"I don't know," she says after a moment, and her hands immediately set to work, rubbing patterns on the brunette's back as she feels Jane tense at her answer.

"You don't know? So maybe?"

Maura sighs, "I don't know because there are times when I think maybe there's something happening underneath, but you won't let me see it. Like you are afraid to let it out around me because it might hurt."

"Do you think it will hurt us?" Jane asks, although she is more concerned with Maura. "Do you think it will hurt you?"

"I don't know."

Jane sighs frustratedly, but her frustration quickly turns to dejection. "I love you," she says. "It's the one thing I've been sure about my whole life. Seeing all those people, remembering Steve's words. It reminded me that I love you. And that I might be capable of ruining everything."

Maura pulls Jane closer, slipping a hand up under her shirt.

"I love you too," she says quietly, "and I'm not going anywhere." She makes a fist and taps her knuckles agains Jane's fingers. Their rings make the sound of metal on metal.

Jane can't help but smile, even if she doesn't know if she full believes.

"Don't shut me out." Maura says.

Jane nods. "I'm sorry, Maur."

But Maura doesn't answer, she's already asleep, five days of waiting for Jane to be tucked in next to her finally catching up with her.

And even though Jane feels just as exhausted. She stays up long after Maura has started to snore softly.

Something roaring inside of her.

* * *

**Your responses to my last chapter make me want to hug each and every one of you. NO MATTER HOW AWKWARD. thank you so much for reading and commenting and sharing your thoughts. **

**alac, lisahomeandaway, heatwave, ichigo, tv crazed, julez, emerald demona, you guys are so awesome! It's like this weird symbiotic relationship. you read and like and comment and I read and love and write more! I can't believe we're at 50. **

**ts. you're killin me. so many comments. all of them wonderful. i can't even. and to answer your question, you're comments have to be approved by me before they become avail, so that's why the delay. I can't approve from my work comp. **

**grewgirl, fangshengin, welcome. so happy you are enjoying!**

**Ximebeach, did you lose power in Sandy? I am an east coaster also, do you need anything? I have roughly 293047283 canned goods!**

**jmpack, jobee. stop it. i'm crying. you're crying. i'm crying. the only difference is that I am dumb enough to read comments in public so I'm just the crazy woman in her car...sobbing. awesome. **

**Fallen austin, AE, I can't...you don't even...my life. the end. **

**I printed out your comments to hang at my desk at work, to make me feel good about myself. lol. and someone walked by and was like...oh, those are nice. and I totally lost control of my voice. I was all. I KNOW I LOVE THEM THANK YOU SO MUCH. **

**very smooth. **

**home stretch! here we go!**

**happy reading. **

**t.c.**


	52. Chapter 51

"Daddy!" Dakota's voice is shrill, reverberating in Jane's head as she leaps from the squad car.

"Maura stay in the car," She orders, sparing one glance to make sure that her wife has obeyed before following frost around the side of the building

"Gusano, let her go!" Jane calls, her gun trained on a spot right between his eyes.

"She is mine!" he howls, dragging the terrified girl towards his car. "She is my daughter! Look at her."

It's true, they do have very similar features…_No._ Jane shuts down any inner monologue or personal confusion and does her job.

"She's not yours Gusano now let her go. If you really care about her, you're not gonna put her through this."  
Just then the step father barrels through the side door of the theatre, running straight for them.

"DADDY!"

Gusano spins his gun spinning with him. Jane asks without thinking.

A gun shot

Two.

Skip Ryan falls, and Gusano falls and Dakota stumbles under the dead weight of her biological father and falls too.

"_Daddy!"_

"Frost! Gusano!" Jane orders, moving towards Skip. She goes two steps before someone calling her name makes her turn.

"JANE!"

Maura has run around the corner, her face white as a sheet. She locks eyes with Jane, and then moves to take in the rest of the scene.

"Maura, Gusano shot the step father," she says pointing, and without waiting for further instructions, Maura stumbles past her to kneel by the fallen man.

Dakota manages to get up, charging towards her step father, and without thinking Jane catches her before she can get to close, turning her around, pulling the shivering little body to her.

"No!"

"Shh. It's okay. It's okay. He's gonna be okay, he's got the best Doctor in Boston with him, and he ambulances are on their way. It's okay." Scared and in shock, the thirteen year old leans into her, and Jane automatically strokes her hair. "It's okay."

"Is that man dead?" the voice comes from her shoulder. Jane glances at Frost, who nods.

"Yes." Jane says.

"Is he really my father?" she looks up at Jane, terrified.

Jane looks at her, and finds a smile for her, somewhere. "No. I told you. Your father is going to be fine."

* * *

_"Say it again." Jane kisses Maura's jaw. _

_"Te amo." _

_"No, the other one." _

_"Te quiero." _

_Jane smiles against Maura's shoulder. "I like that one better." _

_"So does Spain." _

_"Who were you saying I love you to in Spain?" Jane asks, and Maura opens her mouth to respond, but Jane shakes her head. "No. Nope, forget I asked." Jane rolls to stare at the ceiling. _

_"Te quiero." _

_"Good!" Maura says absently, her eyes closed._

_"How many languages do you know?" _

_"thirteen," _

_"Holy Fu-cow," Jane catches herself as Maura opens one eye to glare at her. "Are you kidding me?"_

_"No. You had to be passable in at least three at the academy in Switzerland," she glances quickly at Jane, "And I found that I had sort of a flare for them." _

_"The understatement of the century, ladies and gentlemen." _

_Maura smiles and rolls over, reaching for the paper she'd gotten that morning on her one trip out of bed. _

_Jane moves to slip under her arm, so that Maura can keep reading._

_"Is that the date?" _

_"Yes," Maura pinches Jane's arm, "We got married two days ago. The twenty fifth…You're not already forgetting what date we got married are you Jane?" Maura means this as a joke, but Jane looks stricken._

_"It was a joke, Jane," she says quickly, taken aback by the look on her wife's face. "I didn't mean,"  
But Jane shakes her head, forcing her expression into one of indifference, and then, with some more effort, mock annoyance. "I haven't already forgotten our wedding date, doctor. It just caught me off guard."  
Maura rubs Jane's arm, deciding to drop it. They only have one day left in Costa Rica and Maura wants to make the best of it. She lets Jane snuggle against her as she flips the paper open. _

_"Maura?" _

_"mm?" Maura is engrossed in an article about cell regeneration. _

_"I love you." _

_Maura smiles distracted, "I love you too, sweet girl." _

_Jane snuggles into her side. "It's gonna be okay," she whispers, almost to herself, "it is." _

_Maura is too deep into her article to really register Jane's words. _

_…_

_"Tell me you won't go." Maura opens her eyes to look up at Jane, a little put off by this new request, but she doesn't hesitate. _

_"Never ever," she says quietly, watching as the emotions on Jane's face battle. _

_Maura puts her hands on Jane's hips, feeling the way they flex and relax as she moves in and out. _

_Jane leans over her, so that her hair falls around them like a curtain. Her lips graze over Maura's lightly. "Again," she says, like begging, and Maura almost opens her mouth to tell her to stop. But something in Jane's eyes keeps her from doing so. _

_"I won't go," she whispers quietly, And Jane shivers, kissing the side of her mouth again. She's being deliberately gentle, her hands moving over Maura like she's made of glass, and Maura frowns a little, despite the pleasure._

_"More," she breathes into Jane's neck, feeling a tremor run through the woman above her._

_Jane pulls back and looks down at her. "what?" she asks, even though Maura can tell that she's heard. _

_Something occurs to Maura, she licks her lips. "Harder. Please, I won't go." _

_Jane trembles, groaning. "Mauraa," _

_But Maura wraps her arms around Jane's neck and her legs around her hips, "Please..I won't go, I won't go. Jane…unh,"_

_She opens her eyes wide in surprise as she feels herself lifted off the bed. Jane stands, her arms under and around Maura, supporting her weight completely. Still deep inside her. _

_"Oh, my god," Maura lets her head fall onto Jane's shoulder, unable to hold it up. "Oh my God, that's so…that's so good." She gasps a little when she feels the cold wall of the hotel room against her back, but it's pulled out into a moan over at once as Jane starts to move. _

_"Tell me," Jane's voice is hoarse against ear. _

_"I won't go, oh, oh, I won't Oh God, I need you like breathing…Oh, Jane, come on, baby." She says because Jane is shuddering against her, the long whine of her moan as she comes pulling Maura over the edge too, her body coiled around Jane's like a snake._

* * *

"What do you want? If it's money or something like that, you can fucking-"

"I wouldn't take money from you if I was dying," Jane spits, and her father's hands twitch.

"Then what is it that is so important that you had to come bother me, when you know full well, I don't want anything to do with you."

Jane scoffs, "Good, the feeling is mutual."

Frank Sr. pushes himself out of his chair and advances on her, but he is older than he was, and arthritic, Jane realizes. And she is taller than he is now, and no longer fourteen. She puts her hand slowly and deliberately on the firearm at her side. "Try it, you bastard. I would like nothing more than to lay you up for two weeks or a month."

He stops dead, and looks at her, clearly trying to decide if she has the guts. After a long moment, he turns away, sinking back into his office chair, "get out of here," he says, turning away, "And tell your cunt of a mother that whatever she sent you for, she's barking up the wrong tree."

Jane clenches her jaw, touching two of her fingers to her hip bone, where she knows the words "I love you" are engraved on the inside of her belt. _This is for Maura. You have to know. For her._

"Ma, didn't send me. I came by myself. I need to ask you something."

"And you couldn't get your answer from anywhere else?"

"No," Jane says, and she sees her father's eyebrows knit together. "I couldn't. It has to come from you."

He doesn't answer her, but turns away and bends over his desk, picking up is pen, as though trying to get some work done. Jane takes a step closer to him. She swallows.

"I need to know if you loved Ma," she says quietly.

Franks pen stops moving, but he doesn't turn around.

Jane takes a deep breath. "I got married three weeks ago. I married Maura," she pauses, but the man in front of her doesn't answer. Jane sighs. "And I love her so much, Pop. I love her so much, and I've never been this happy or this terrified. Sometimes I look at her, and I imagine her gone, or away from me, or…and I just. I love her so much I want to hurt her. I want to make sure she never goes anywhere." Jane pulls at her fingers, long and thin like her father's. "It feels so," Jane rolls her shoulders, "Deep, and mean almost, and I just…I was wondering if I got that from you. Did you feel like that, ever? With Ma? I remember sometimes when you would yell, you were always saying things like, why don't you understand. Why are you making this so difficult, and I thought-"

But Frank slams his hand against his desk, and Jane jumps and stops talking. He spins in his chair and points his finger at her, and Jane notices that he's shaking.

"You shut your trap about me and your mother. You don't know anything about us. You keep your god damn nose out of things you don't fucking understand."

"I _want _ to understand," Jane says desperately. " We were happy. We were all so god damn happy and then you just…everything just…and if I'm like you…If I could ever…I'm getting her away from me now. Before there's kids to watch me go after my own wife…before there's other, little innocent people who have to huddle up in their bedrooms and listen-"

Frank stands, still pointing, and his face is a blotchy angry red as he sputters towards coherence. "You! You, fucking- I never laid a hand on your mother!" He says his voice rising.  
"I KNOW. I MADE GOD DAMN SURE OF IT," Jane yells back and her father moves quicker than she anticipated, grabbing her around the shoulders and giving her a little shake.

"AND YOU THINK I'M NOT FUCKING GRATEFUL FOR THAT EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE?"

Jane stares at him with wide eyes, her brain catching up with his words. He drops his hands suddenly and turns his back on her, "Of course I love your mother. I love her so much I almost killed you."  
Jane opens her mouth, then shuts it again, realizing there are too many questions crashing around inside of her, and that she can't actually vocalize any of them.

Frank sinks into his chair, and rubs his face, "She chose you kids over me. She told me to get out," he looks at her and pain pulls the lines on his face into sharper relief. "But if I'dda laid a hand on her, I woulda put a bullet in my brain. I thank God he put you in my way. Every second of my life."

"You could have stayed," Jane says fighting tears.

Frank looks at her, and she realizes with a sick lurch of her stomach that his feelings towards her have not changed. That he is still as opposed to her sexuality as he was sixteen years ago, and now she realizes that he also sees her as an enemy.

Frank shakes his head, "Get out of here, Jane."

"Pop…dad."

"You're not my daughter," Frank grinds out.

"And you are nothing like me."

* * *

Maura snuggles against Jane on the sofa, letting the noise of the baseball game wash over her, basking in the smell of pizza and beer and Jane's shampoo. "I'm sorry I came out of the car."

Jane slips an arm around her, "I was going to get you anyway, for Skip. He's gonna be as good as new?" Jane thinks that if Maura gives her any other answer, she will have to personally find Dakota a new family.

Maura smiles, "yes. As good as new."

Maura kisses her shoulder and Jane tenses involuntarily. She feels Maura sigh.

"Jane, what is going on with you?" Maura asks.

But Jane pulls her arm from around Maura and stands up. The conversation with her father still seems too raw to bring up with her right now. "Maura…" Jane says tiredly. But she can hear the soft footfalls of the doctor as she follows her into the kitchen.

"No. No way. We're going to talk about this now. What is going on with you? You're not sleeping well, you don't like it when I touch you,"  
"Of course I like it when you touch me."  
"Could have fooled me!" Maura says, spreading out her hands. "Is it something I've done? Did something happen?"

Jane runs her hand through her hair, feeling anger start to simmer in her stomach. "I went to see my father this afternoon." She says quietly, and Maura's face whitens in alarm.

She takes a step forward, her eyes sweeping Jane's frame. "Are you alright? Did he hurt-"

"No. No. I just. I needed to ask him something."

Maura waits for a long time, and when Jane doesn't continue she finally says, "What did you ask him, Jane?"

"If he loved my mother," Jane says, shrugging her shoulders, "If he ever felt…" Jane touches a finger to her chest."

"The beast." Maura says quietly, and Jane looks up at her, surprised.

"What did he say?"

"he said I was nothing like him."

"He's right." Maura says taking a step towards her.

"Then why do I feel so _angry_. Why do I feel like I want to…" She looks at Maura.

"I don't know." Maura says, and Jane sighs, stepping away from her.

"I do."

"You do?"

"May 27th was the day marking the longest time we've ever been together. Like…in the same state." Jane clarifies as Maura looks confused.

"That was over three weeks ago," Maura says, still looking dumbfounded."

Jane nods. "I know. So every day is the longest you've ever stayed with me…Every day is like…"

But Maura's face is quickly falling into understanding. "Oh, Jane…"

"And if you walked away from me now…If you…"

Maura moves towards her again, but Jane's face gets pained, so she stops. "Baby…I"

"I would do anything to keep you here. I would do…and I can't…get _enough_ of you. I can't hold you close enough and I can't fuck you hard enough to really feel like…" Jane runs her fingers through her hair again. "I'm sorry I swore."

"It was actually quite nice. In this situation," Maura says, half smiling.

Jane doesn't smile back. "I don't wanna hurt you Maur," she says. "I don't want our children to see me hurt you."

Maura feels her heart stop. "our what?"

Jane rolls her shoulders, cheeks a little pink.

"Come here," Maura says, and Jane steps into her arms carefully. "I want you to do something for me, okay?"

A nod.

"Picture me telling you I'm leaving." Jane tenses immediately. "not me being gone," Maura says quickly, "Me actually telling you I'm leaving. Or telling you to get out. Really think about it."

Jane does, and immediately she feels tears burn the back of her eyes. Sadness and devastation and terror. Maura rubs her back in circles, "Where's the anger?" she asks quietly.

"What?"

"I feel you getting sad, and scared….but where's the anger? Where's the fury that you're terrified about?"

Jane looks for it…but it's not there.

Maura pulls away to smile into her wife's face. "That's why I'm not scared of you. I know you. I know what you're capable of. You are not capable of hurting me, Jane Rizzoli. And I will spend the rest of my life showing you…and our children…just how lucky I feel every day to wake up next to you. But you have to show me all of you. Scared, angry, happy…" She smiles, "beastial."

Jane smiles, finally, and Maura squeezes her waist. "You have to tell me."

Jane nods. "I will try."

"I love you so much, Jay. I'm not gonna lose you again. Ever."

"I love you too." Jane sighs. "Maur?"

"yes, baby."

"Can we watch the rest of the game?"

"Of course."

Jane wiggles her eyebrows.

"Naked?"

* * *

**Dedicated to Jobee and Davislp whose comments helped me realize what jane needed, and to bring it to her. **

**hope this clears up the missing honeymoon. **

**you guys continue to blow my mind with your comments. fallen austin, ts, jmpack, julez, *sobs into sweater* srsly. **

** the new handles I see: berber, boo, rizzyandizzy, you mad bro. **

**All of you. I consider myself so, so lucky to have your support. **

**happy reading, **

**t.c.**


	53. Chapter 52

Maura is already in the kitchen when Jane grumbles around the corner.  
"It's so early Maur," she says sleepily, as she accepts the cup of coffee her wife is holding out to her. Maura grins at her. Although she is wearing jeans and a t-shirt, she still has considerable bed head.

"I said we'd go in the morning so that we could have the afternoon for whatever we wanted," Maura says, now holding out a piece of toast that Jane waves away. "Too early," she says when Maura frowns.

"Studies are all in agreement that eating breakfast not only helps you eat less during the day but it-"

"Maur," Jane says, putting a hand up. "You had me up all night. I'm so tired."

Maura blushes. "Okay, okay. Take something though." She watches as Jane considers the fruit and takes an apple, gripping it experimentally in her hand like a stress ball.

Maura smiles. She can tell that Jane is a little nervous about the day's activities, but that she's also a little excited. Maura feels her foot tapping on the kitchen floor with nerves. She thought that this was what she'd wanted when she suggested it, but she had expected more of a fight from Jane. She also hadn't expected the detective to set it up as quickly as she has. _What if I'm bad at it. _

"You okay?" Jane's face, crinkled in concern, pulls her from her thoughts.

"Yes. I'm fine. I'm just thinking about this morning."

"You're going to be awesome," Jane says. She runs her fingers through her hair, grimacing when she feels that half of it is sticking up. "Give me five minutes and we'll go."

...

The ride to The Center, is quiet. Jane hums along with the radio and Maura adds her wife's voice to the ever growing list of things that Jane would be able to offer a child.

Unbidden, the image of Jane singing to her pregnant stomach floats through her mind, and Maura is filled with a desire so desperate that it almost blocks out her distress.

Almost.

"You're nervous." Jane slips the car into park in front of the building, and Maura feels sweat start to prickle at her forehead.

Maura nods, barely able to hear Jane over the roaring in her ears. She looks at her wife, he eyes wide and scared. "I don't think I want to do this." She says, and it comes out more like a question.  
Jane smiles reassuringly. "This was your idea, hon," she says reaching out for Maura's hands which are knotted tightly in her lap. "And it was a really good one. I'm actually kind of excited. Even if it is the butt crack of dawn."

"Don't swear," Maura says automatically, before realizing that Jane has already censored herself.

Jane laughs, "There's nothing to be worried about Maur. We'll go in, I'll talk about being a police officer, you'll talk about being a Medical Examiner, we'll spend some time playing basketball or drawing with them or whatever, and then we'll leave. We're not getting graded."

"I know…I know…" Maura says, looking out her window. "And I know I said I wanted to do this…it's just…What if I'm not good at it?"

"Well, that's why we're doing this…But you will be."

"Statistically speaking-" Maura begins, unable to help herself, but Jane leans across the counter, silencing her with a gentle kiss.  
"Maura. Honey. Light of my life," Jane says, unbuckling her seatbelt. "We are going to be late. It's time to get out of the car.

The Center is home to one of Boston's biggest Boys & Girls club, and Jane has them booked to speak to an assembly hall of Kids. When Maura said that they need to start spending more time around children, to see if they were ready, Jane had nodded absently, looking like she wasn't paying any attention. Less than two weeks later, she had announced that they were doing this.

"Thank you so much for volunteering your time." The director of The Center is named Amanda Wilkins, and she is youngish, with short, cropped hair and huge feet. Maura stares at them as she leads them down the hallway towards the assembly room, wondering about the genetics that had to come together to make feet that big on a woman so small. Could her genes produce a child with feet too large for her body? Maura doesn't know.

"We're always trying to get new and interesting people in to talk to the kids. This isn't their first cop, but it's the first time they'll have ever heard from a Medical Examiner. I'm sure they will be very, very excited to talk to you, Dr. Isles."

Maura snaps her head up, and tries to turn her face into something that she hopes looks like excitement. "I've never spoken to children about my profession before. How old are they?"

"The youngest you'll have in the assembly is nine, and the oldest ones are between fourteen and sixteen. But if you hang around for their free time after, you'll see kids as young as four. Our only rule for parents to enroll them is that they be potty trained."

Maura nods, and Jane squeezes her wrist surreptitiously. "Thank you so much for setting this up," she says, " we'd love to stay after, especially if the kids have any questions. I did bring my kit belt and my firearm, unloaded and with the safety on for the presentation, but if there's somewhere we can put it after, we'd be happy to stay."

Maura tunes out, trying to breath evenly and focus on what they had talked about last night.

"Maura, kids think you know everything the moment they meet you," Jane had said, when Maura had woken her again to ask Jane another question. "And that's really lucky in your case, because you _do_ know everything." Jane had yawned, snuggling closer, her hand lost in Maura's hair. "You're going to be wonderful, honey, and they're going to love you."

They arrive at the back of the of the assembly hall, and Maura feels lightheaded. There are maybe 100 kids in there.

"Okay, so I'll go ahead and introduce you, and then you two can take it away!" Amanda heads to the front of the hall, and Maura turns to look at Jane, sure that every inch of her face is rigid with panic.

Jane puts her hands on Maura's shoulders, "Maur,"

"Jane. There's so many kids."  
Jane leans back, "Remember in high school when I didn't want to get up in front of the class and give that presentation on Medieval life?"

The question throws Maura completely, "What?"

"I was nervous, and I hated the idea that people were going to laugh at me." Jane smiles, "What did you say?"

Maura looks at her blankly.

"You said, You've got me here, and I've got you there, and if either of us gets lost we'll just look over, and the other one will help."

Jane smiles and reaches out her hand to finger the little silver necklace around Maura's neck, diamond replaced.

"You've got me here," She says quietly, and she places a hand on the side of her belt, "And I've got you there, okay?" Maura smiles, "And if one of us gets lost, we'll just look over."

Maura nods as the assembly hall bursts into applause, and Amanda Wilkins stands up front, waving them towards her. "Okay," Maura says, feeling stronger.

Jane grins, a cheeky, confident, totally contagious Rizzoli grin.  
"Okay.

* * *

"Does the dead body ever move, like, do you ever get scared that it will eat you like a zombie?"

"How many times have you holded a heart?"

"I saw you in the newspaper for solving that case with the baby. Did you really take it out of it's mama?"

"How come you gotta wear a mask? How many germs can you get from a dead guy?"

"Did you ever see a guy all sprayed up with bullets?"

"Dr. Isles, how come you do what you _do_?"

Maura glances at Jane, who smiles at her encouragingly. All of the questions up to now have been okay, she even got them to laugh when she answered the first little girl's question about zombies.

"That's a really good question," She says, giving herself time to think. "I guess when I was growing up, I was in love with reason." She looks at them, and they look back at her, even the nine year olds, listening. "I loved figuring things out. I loved facts. How many of you get really excited when you know the answer to something in school and you can raise your hand?"

Almost all of their hands go up, stretching high and excited, and Maura smiles, surprised and delighted that they are responding to her. "Yes, exactly. I wanted to be that child every time. The one with her hand in the air." She stops, remembering the teasing and the whispers and the lonely nights that went along with that desire. As if having all the answers meant that you had no time for friends. She looks out over their expectant faces again. Skip that part.

"But after a while it wasn't enough just to know the answers for my own education. I wanted to use that knowledge to help people. And I especially wanted to help people who couldn't help themselves. And people who have been murdered…they can't tell Detective Rizzoli who did it. So…I use my science and everything I've learned, and I ask them for her. And sometimes they tell me."

There is silence for a minute, and Maura feels a rush of the old panic from earlier creep back. But then a miniscule little girl with ferocious red hair raises her hand.

"Yes?" Maura says, smiling down at her.

"How Long do you haveta go to school to be a Medicah Examer? Can I go after this year?"

Maura can't answer. There are tears in her eyes. She looks at Jane, who understands. "Uh uh, honey. If you want to have either of our jobs you have to go to high school, and then if you want Dr. Isles' job, you have to go to College _and _school after that.

But the girls freckly face sets in determination. "Okay then. I will." She calls back, as though Jane has set her a dare, and she wants to prove herself.

Jane beams at Maura, as Amanda Wilkins steps forward, "That's all the time that we have for questions," She says, and the kids resounding "awwwww" makes Maura's heart swell even bigger. "But both of our guests have said that they want to hang around with you guys during free time, so if any of you have more questions you can ask them then. Let's give Dr. Isles and Detective Rizzoli a big round of applause."

And they do, some of them even stomping their shoes on the assembly room floor.

…

Jane is pulled into a basketball game with a group of older boys and girls almost immediately, her easy smile and her deep knowledge of "yo momma" jokes gaining their friendship right away, and Maura sits down on the pull out bleachers in the gym, watching Jane give herself over to the sport, yelling and laughing and running like any fourteen year old. _She's going to be sore in the morning._

"Ms. Doctor Island?"

Maura spins around to see the red haired girl from earlier approaching her, face scrunched up into a tear stained frown.

"Maura," the doctor says, her eyebrows knitting together, "What's wrong, darling?"

"Nicolas Readmen pulled my braid out," she says indignantly, and points at her hair, and indeed, one side of her head is pulled into a neat French braid while the other puffs out, wild and tangly.

"I see," Maura says, glancing around for the director.

"I thought detective zoli could shoot him" she says calmly, and Maura widens her eyes.

"Detective Rizzoli only shoots bad men," she says, gesturing that the little girl should come sit with her.

She does without hesitation, plopping down on the bench next to her without any sign of bashfulness. "Nicky is a bad man," she says seriously.

"No," Maura says quickly, "Not bad enough for shooting, I'm sure."

The girl sighs, as though they reasoning of grown ups is endlessly tiring. "'f you say so."

"What's your name?"

"Abigail."

"Abigail," Maura tries it out in her mouth, "Abigail. Would you like me to re-braid your hair?"

"You ever braided hair before?"

Maura shakes her head. "I know the theory of it, though."

One long appraising look, and she must see something that decides her because she moves from her place next to Maura and plops down in front of her, back against the Medical Examiner's knees.

Maura is shocked enough that she doesn't move until the little girl fidgets and then she sets to work, running her fingers through the dense red mane.

Once she gets started, it is not very difficult at all, and Abigail chats at her as she works, and Maura finds that she only has to add "mmm" every once in a while to keep the girl going.

"…But my mother says I am pre- co-cious, whatever that means…"

"It means you are very bright for your age," Maura says absently, and the little girl is silent for a long enough time that Maura thinks she must have offended her.

But then Abigail makes a clucking sound with her tongue. "My mother, I tell ya," she says, and Maura laughs out loud.

She is so absorbed in her activity and the conversation that she doesn't see that Jane has stopped playing, and is simply watching the pair, grinning.

* * *

"You should have seen you with her, Maur," Jane says. Picking up the last dish and moving to the sink. "You were glowing like a lightbulb." They've just finished dinner. Jane took Maura by surprise by cooking, something cheesy and garlicky and messy and delicious.

Add another thing that Jane had over her. Kid friendly food.

Maura shrugs. Now that they are home, she feels tired and a little bit sad. Like the time she'd spent at the Center was being borrowed from another person's life. There's no way that she could sustain that kind of interaction with a child for longer than the afternoon. The realization makes her feel empty and resigned.

"You had a good time, didn't you?"

Jane comes around the table to put her arms around Maura.

"I did."

"So, you look miserable because…"

"I don't think I can do it."

Jane frowns, "I can't keep up with you Doctor. You had a great time, but there's no way you could do it?"

"I have absolutely nothing to offer a child," Maura says, hating that it sounds truer out loud.

"Are you kidding me?"

"You get them immediately. You bond with them. You…And I would just be…"

"You would be wonderful!"

"What has gotten into you?" Maura tries to sound stern, but it is hard when Jane is snuffling at her neck, trying to make her laugh, "You're the one who was holding out."

"when I saw you with that little girl,"

"Abigail."

"Yes. I don't know…something in my heart went" Jane snaps. Maura grins. It's how she felt watching Jane with Lukas. Jane spins her on the stool so they are facing the doorway of the kitchen. "Look, imagine a little bouncer in that doorway. With a little blonde chubster bouncing up and down, green eyes like his mommy."

Maura pulls away. And Jane looks after her, confused. "honey…"

"I'm not mother material…I don't know anything about being a mother. My _own _mother had me raised by nannies and housekeepers my whole life."

Jane follows Maura's retreating back into the living room, grabbing her before she can sit and spinning, flopping them onto the couch together, Maura almost in Jane's lap.

"When have you ever braided any bodies hair before?"

Maura shrugs, "The theory is quite…" but Jane raises her eyebrows. "never." She says.

"How do you say, "I love you" in Spanish?  
"Te amo."

"French?"

"Je t'aime."

"Czech?"

"luji Tě"

"Afrikaans," Jane throws out, guessing now.

"Ek het jou liefe"

"Oh my God," Jane can't help but laugh. "How can you say you have nothing to give a child?" her voice is so awe struck, so affectionate, that Maura can't help but smile. She wraps her arms around the waist of her detective, looking up into her eyes.

"I'm scared."

"Me too," Jane says leaning forward for a kiss. "I'm so scared that sometimes I feel like I will stop breathing. But everyday you wake up and you kiss me and you tell me you love me, and that you're staying right here with me, and everyday I believe is a little more. And...I want to try this with you Maur. I want to make a family. A bigger one. I'm not my father and you're not your mother. And we're together. I want to make a family with you, Maura." Jane blushes a little and Maura's heart skips a beat.

"With me?" Maura says, and Jane doesn't scoff or crack a joke or tell her she's crazy for asking.

She just nods, and lets Maura wrap herself around her, smelling lavender and garlic and basil.

And home.

* * *

**YAY! Bay bays a coming...well...sort of. **

**Anyway. thank you for all your lovely comments, alac (1000 comments? I would die down dead), bookiewookie, ichigo, jmpack, cstar, heatwave, rizzyandizzy, lisa homeandaway**

**FERGZ! cheekymonkey! I feel like i haven't seen you guys in forever. lol. thanks for the wonderful reviews. **

**Jobee, aww. you inspired me! Of course I'm gonna shout out to you. **

**You guys have all been wonderful! I hope you'll love the ending of this, and start reading the sequel when it comes.**

**AE and Fallen austin. where would I be without all the time you take to review. the kind words you speak in PMs and just the general support. probably still back at chapter 2, trying to get the nerve to put it up. ya'll rock. **

**Boo: I'm pretty sad you don't like the way I'm writing Jane. She's not the same Jane in the show, that's for sure. But I wanted to give her layers and depth and fears and worries just like anyone. Sometimes those worries threaten to consume her, sure, but other times she is sweet and loving and caring (see above). Aren't we all like that?**

**I also wanted to address the couple of reviews I got that made me feel...very sad. If you swear at me, I'm not going to post/going to take down your comment. You're welcome to disagree with me, and to voice questions/concerns anything at all. just make sure you do so in a respectful way, because...I'm a human. with feelings. even though this is on the internet. **

**Love it when you read, overjoyed when you review. :)**

**Happy reading. **

**t.c.**


	54. Chapter 53

"Maura!" Her mother's voice rings out over the soft murmur of the crowd, and Maura nods her acknowledgement, handing her jacket to the man at the coat check.

"Mother." She moves forward to kiss the woman on both cheeks.

"You look well," Constance says, gesturing that they should sit down. As soon as Maura moves to do so, there is a busboy pulling out and pushing in her chair, filling her water. And the waiter himself seems to materialize out of nowhere.

"White wine for the ladies?" he asks, "As usual?"

"Yes," Constance say, as Maura shakes her head.

"No."

The waiter looks between the two of them. Confused.

Constance shoots Maura a look. "Give us a moment, will you Abraham?" She says coldly. He bows immediately and snaps his fingers, and he and the busboy that was readying the ice bucket for the wine seem to melt away into the scenery.

Maura smiles a little wryly, contemplating the relationship between money and service, but when she looks up at her mother, she feels the smile fall from her face.

"Mother?"

"How many weeks are you?" Her mother asks, her voice deadly.

"Wha?"

"Don't say 'wha-' like that, it makes you look like you're missing a chromosome. I asked you when your child is due. That's why you wanted to meet me isn't it? That's why you won't drink? You've gotten pregnant."

Maura stares at her mother. "No. I-I mean, not yet. I came to tell you we're trying. That Jane and I are trying to start a family. But they only just put the embryos on ice yester-"

"Stop it," Constance hisses looking around, embarrassed, as though Maura has uttered an unthinkable swear word. "I would thank you to keep that kind of talk away from my meal. Especially in places like this."

Maura swallows back her anger, but it roars inside her like a caged lion. "You picked the restaurant, Mother," she says evenly.

Her mother makes an clicking sound with her tongue, "Don't get into semantics with me, Maura. Are you telling me...are you telling me that the baby that you are going to carry is not going to be your own?"

"No. I'm telling you that Jane and I don't want to know. We're implanting two fertilized eggs into my-"

"You're using _my _money to play some kind of Russian Roulette with your body and the product that comes from this may be..._Another_ Rizzoli?"

Maura grips the edges of the table, trying to resist the urge to turn it over. She had not expected this from her mother. Since the wedding, their correspondence had been ranging from neutral to pleasant. Constance has not said anything this overtly offensive in months.

"We're leaning towards Rizzoli-Isles," She says, watching with mounting fury as her mother flushes angrily. "Three syllables always sounds better coming first." She leans in a little so that her mother looks up into her face, "And I haven't touched _your_ money since I turned eighteen," she says quietly.

Constance stares at her, shock and anger and...pain? Maura gives herself a moment to breathe before trying a different approach. "I thought you would be happy for us, mother. And I thought you would want to be present in your grandchild's life."

"Maura," Constance says, and her voice is that of someone who is suffering. "Maura, I beg you to see reason here," she says quietly. "Think about your work. Think about the stress. Think about the danger that that woman puts you in every day. You've been shot and assaulted and..." Constance casts around for the correct word, "_tazed_. Think about what it would mean to bring a child into that-"

Maura puts up her hand, unable to hear anymore. "Enough. Are you blaming Jane for those things? Are you honestly telling me that she's the reason that those things happened?"

"If you had married Garrett Fair-"

"I'd be in prison for accessory to murder just like his wife, and that _WOULD_ have been all his fault." Maura is almost shaking their table with anger.

"Keep your voice down," Constance hisses again.

"Why? So that your snooty friends don't run off and gossip about your wayward lesbian daughter who wants to have a beautiful, wonderful family with the person she loves most in the world? HEAVEN FORBID."

Maura feels like laughing. Or crying. this whole thing is so predictable. she pictures her wife, probably at the robber with Frost by now, and the easy way she smiles and laughs. The gentle way she'd helped Maura into the car after the first procedure. The way she'd woken her up last night to whisper in her ear: "_Two things. I really like the name James, and no matter what happens tomorrow with your mother, I love you unconditionally and this is your home." _

Maura looks at her mother. "I honestly thought you'd be happy for me."

"Happy for you?" Constance looks completely taken aback. "Happy that my daughter is going to bring a fatherless child into this world, and then have it grow up never knowing if it's mother is going to come back safely? I am a grown woman, Maura and every time my phone rings in the middle of the night, I..." Constance stops abruptly, and Maura stares at her mother, sure she has not imagined the tremor in her voice.

"I know you love that woman, Maura, but she makes your life so dangerous." Constance says quietly, her voice _almost_ back under control.

Maura doesn't know what to say. She peers curiously at her mother. "All you're seeing are the bad things," Maura says carefully, her mother makes a dejected gesture, so unlike her that Maura loses her words again.

"You were almost...and you were just a little girl," she says, and Maura realizes that Constance is talking about all those years ago, when she was almost assaulted on the way home from Jane's house."

"She saved me," Maura says quietly.

"You shouldn't always _need _saving." Constance says bitterly. "I tried so desperately to keep you safe. You're so _special_, Maura. You're so gifted and talented and...you're so special..." Constance looks away, her face suddenly stern, as though saying this is a burden that she should not have to deal with. "To me." She says after enough time has passed that Maura can't remember the beginning of her sentence. She rewinds it in her head. _You're so special...to me. _The realization of what has been said almost knocks Maura out of her chair. She reaches across the table and takes her mother's hand before she knows what she's even doing.

"Oh, Mom," she says, and for a moment they just stare at each other, and Maura wonders what it must be like to watch your daughter leave your house, or your country, or your life, and not know if you will ever see her again. "You never told me," she said.

Constance smiles crookedly, "Would it have made a difference? I kept you away from her for fifteen years and it didn't make a difference. You look at her now, the same way you did when you were fifteen."

Maura squeezes her mother's hand. Constance has never admitted to wanting to keep Maura from Jane, and Maura, to her credit, does not push it. She understands just how much her mother has wagered with this confession.

"I would have told you all about her. How it's not just about danger or fear or people getting hurt, but that it's also about love and trust and feeling happier than I ever have in my life. It's..." Maura looks around, finally smiling, "It's about how she eats cheeseburgers."

Constance looks at her daughter, clearly confused, and Maura puffs her cheeks out and cross her eyes, "Like they're the best thing she's ever eaten in her life. every time."

And Constance actually laughs.

"I want a little boy or a little girl who eats cheeseburgers like that, Mother. I want a child who smiles like it's Christmas when I bring her home the fudge clusters that you can pick up at the corner store for 2.99. I want a baby just like Jane. God. I hope it's just like her," Maura finishes, having almost forgotten that her mother is sitting across the table from her. She looks at Constance, who looks back transfixed.

"Please be happy for us," Maura says. "_Please_."

Constance waves her hand in the air and a waiter is back by their side.

"I will have your best champagne. Blanc de Noirs if you have it. 1997. But nothing for Dr. Isles.

She's going to be a mother."

* * *

Later, Maura says it all happened so fast she couldn't even remember the color of the car.

_Did you get a licence plate number?_

Maura says that her mother was happy for them. She was happy that they were trying and then she was grabbing Maura's jacket and heaving her out of the way. Heaving.

_Maur. Do you know what kind of car it was?_

Maura says that her mother's face, before the car threw her into the air. Was one of such maternal fear that it stole Maura's breath and she couldn't even yell out. She could only stand there and look at the spot where her mother was. And then wasn't.

"Okay. Okay, Maura, let's go home baby. Clean you up and then we can-"

"No. I'm not leaving her."

"Maura, you're covered in..." Jane hesitates "You need fresh clothes, Maura."

"I'm not leaving."

Jane touches Maura's arm, "Honey."

But Maura slaps her away. "I asked her to be happy for us and she WAS." Maura says, her voice rising in an attempt to keep her tears away. "She was happy, and she said," Maura's eyes widen as another part of the evening comes back to her. "She said I was special to her. She said I was so _special_ to her, and she didn't want to see me hurt...Oh, God."

Jane reaches for her, and Maura allows the detective to embrace her as she sobs, drowning out Jane's words of comfort, but not the tone behind them.  
"She's gonna be alright, Honey. It's okay. She's going to be okay."

"YOU." Maura pushes Jane away, and she stumbles backwards, confused. "She was saving me from _your_ danger."

"What?"

"That car was coming at me. It jumped the curb and came at. _me. _There is no way that is a coincidence."

"Maura...Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure, Jane. My mother was pushing me out of the way of danger. Danger that _you _created. There's no way it's not connected to your arson case."

She has never called one of their cases "_your case" _before and Jane works very hard not to narrow her eyes, but Maura can read the change in her emotions as she comprehends Maura's words.

But she doesn't care. All she can see is her mother laughing over their desert. _Laughing. _At something Maura had said.

And then her eyes wide with fear as she had yanked Maura out of the way. _Fear that something would happen to her daughter._

"She's going to be okay, Maura." Jane has stepped close to her again, and fear and anger and fear - So much fear - make her push out at the brunette again. Needing her to give her some space.

Needing her to be farther away.

Needing her to try to come back again.

"Go, away, Jane" she says, and Jane blinks at her.

"Maur, I know it was scary, and I know that you're hurting, but let me-"

But the medical examiner advances on her wife, finger pointing at her heart. "Let you what? help? How can you help? What can you do that will help me right now?" She feels a little hysterical, the numbness she felt as she dialed 911 and knelt down beside her mother and grasped her hand, and tilted her head back is dissipating and leaving something tight and burning in her chest. _You're so special to me._

"She said I was _special to her_, and now she's..." Maura's voice cracks, and Jane steps up to her again, reaching out. But Maura backs up. Shaking her head.

"GO AWAY, JANE." She says. "Go do...your gumshoe think or whatever it is you do...and find the asshole that did this to my mother."

Jane stares at her, her face blank.

"GO!" Maura says, wishing her mouth would say stay.

Jane puts her hands in her pockets. She waits, for nearly a minute, but Maura doesn't speak again. Or look at her.

"I'm going to bring you some clothes to change into," She says quietly. And her voice is not sad or angry. It just is.

"And then I'll head to the precinct. I'll send Frost to check on you."

Maura turns away, so she only hears Jane say,

"I love you, Maur." So quietly that it's like she's speaking to herself.

...

She overhears them talking on one of her trips to the precinct to check on her substitute. Frost and Jane, backs to her as she crosses towards the elevator, she hears her name and stops walking. She knows she should keep going, if they turn around and see her listening...but she can't. The sight of Jane, her long body and her wavy unruly hair makes Maura ache a little.

She's stayed in the hospital with her mother for the past three nights, and although Barry tells her every day that Jane has come, to drop off a tooth brush, to bring more clothes, to ask her to look at the dust pattern on a recovered glove because the ME in her place is useless, Maura does all of these things through the younger detective, and tells him to send her away.

"It's been four days, Frost," Jane says, rolling her shoulders uncomfortably.

"Her mother almost died."

"I know. That's my point. I want her to let me be there for her. She's never not been there for me."

"She deals with things differently than you do. She's never been in that kind of situation before."

"I miss her."

"She misses you."

"She won't see me," Jane's voice sounds exhausted.

"More time." Frost says simply.

"If I could just catch the bastard. I know it's Flynn. I _know_ it. But we have nothing unless he confesses. Fuc-sorry, nothing."

Maura almost lets out a sob as Jane catches herself in her swear. She moves down the hall quickly, away from the pair. her mind made up.

_Kevin Flynn. _She knows that name. She remembers him as one of the firemen they'd questioned.

_We have nothing unless he confesses. _

Maura doesn't go down to the morgue. She takes the elevator up to procedures, and when she steps out, the man at the desk sees her and smiles.

"Dr. Isles," he says, "Rizzoli sending you on her errands _again_?"

Maura nods, giving a sigh, ignoring the wrenching twist her stomach gives at the lie. "She needs a wire, Neil, can you?"

Neil sighs, standing up and lumbering off to get her what she needs.

When he returns and hands it to her, she smiles at him. "Thank you."

"You tell Rizzoli she's still gotta come sign for this, case number and everything. And you tell her to stop sending you on her errands."

"I will Neil. Thank you."

When Maura leaves the precinct, Jane and Frost are no where to be found.

...

Neil meets her two hours later, and Maura feels a little light headed, maybe from the lies she's told today, maybe from the knowledge that she is doing something dangerous. She wonders if this is how Jane feels every time she walks into a volatile situation. Maura thinks that if it is, then she understands why Jane is addicted to it.

"Dr. Isles?" Flynn looks around, "You came alone?" he asks incredulously.

"Yes. I wanted to discuss some things, and I'm not sure that you would want Detective Rizzoli around for this conversation."

His eyes narrow, but he doesn't move away as she unrolls the blueprints of the building. He listens to her explanation with a blank face, watching her point out the inconsistencies, and the similarities in the fires.

It's only when she circles around to motive that his face gives a telltale twitch.

Maura wishes she had a camera too.

_Mother,_ she thinks. _I'm going to get justice for my mother and a conviction for Jane._ The thought makes her unbearably giddy. It doesn't even matter that she and Jane have not spoken for the past 72 hours. Once Jane sees what she's done. How she's made it right…  
"Why are you smiling like that?"  
Maura jerks her head up to look at Kevin Flynn, and his eyes are mean and suspicious.

"You think that since you walk in here without back up, I'm just going to confess to you and let you walk away so that you can tell your girlfriend?"

Maura resists the urge to correct him.

"I'm not going to tell Jane," she says carefully. "I just want to know why."

"What do you mean why? Less money means fewer firefighters, with less pay," he steps towards her, and Maura feels a trickle of fear.

"The city needs to know that they need us. They need us just as much as they need your precious police officer."

"Detective." This one really does slip out, and Maura looks up into his eyes, her own wide and uncertain.

Kevin Flynn shakes his head. "I don't want to hurt you, Doctor." He says, and he pulls something from behind his back, out of the waist band of his pants.

Maura feels her blood run cold.

"Kevin. I'm not going to tell any-"

"I know you won't," he says, almost sadly, and he cocks the pistol, and Maura steps back and turns to run, but he grabs her by the hair, "I'm very, very sorry, Doctor Isles," he says in her ear. "But if the city doesn't understand the value of the firefighter…then it will burn."

And he slams her, face first into one of the warehouse supporting beams.

Maura feels her forehead split open and the warmth of blood spilling down her face.

And she hears the gunshots ring out. One twothree and wonders why it doesn't hurt more,

wonders why she didn't bring her own weapon with her

wonders why death's arms feel so so much

Like Jane's.

* * *

**AH. the cliffhanger that is Burning Down the House. Don't worry. a new chapter will be up later tonight or tomorrow AM, just have to type it up from dictation. :) **

**Ts! OMG I'm so glad you got a handle and now I will spam you with PMs telling you how much I love ya. **

**Agentbreezy, mustanggirl,hannahbay, the shooter (...that's a little frightening), texas, nightwing, redbullblue, raeday, tvaddict. OMG thank you all so much for your comments. welcome! I'm glad you're enjoying, and even though you came around at the end of this one, there will be a whole new one! I hope you'll keep enjoying. **

**JMpack, julez, Davislp ack. you guys. killin me over here. **

**Mad shoutout to Jobee who is helping me with baby things and took the time to type up all her info on HER PHONE. i text one word and I get frustrated. **

**Fallen Austin. I...you...with your words...and support. I owe you a PM. it's acomin. *runs away* And AE. talking me up after I was down, and making me realize that I write for me. and share with YOU guys. :) **

**happy reading. **

**t.c.**


	55. Chapter 54

Maura's eyes snap open and then shut, tight against the pain that radiates out from her rib cage. She gasps a little and the throbbing subsides and her heart rate slows again. She opens her eyes again, carefully, and finds herself looking up at the unmistakable overhead light of a hospital room.

She lies very still, taking inventory of her body.

Besides the burning pain in her ribs and the throbbing in her head, everything else seems to be functioning properly. She lifts her hand to feel her forehead, where one neat line of butterfly bandages runs across her skin.

She tries to remember what happened at the warehouse but everything after he'd shoved her against the beam is hazy. _He had tried to shoot her. _

She feels at her ribs with her hand, wincing a little, but not in extreme pain. The bullet can't have done more than graze her.

And he hadn't tried again….why?

A shifting in the corner of her eye makes her look around. Jane is asleep there, curled up into the tiny hospital chair like a child, right arm around her knees and head resting against them. What Maura can see of her pale green shirt is spattered with blood, and her hair is wild and matted in places. Her left arm is held tight to her body in a sling, but Maura doesn't see a cast.

She hears the IV next to her give three quick beeps and knows that it is sending more pain medication into her blood stream.

"Jay," her mouth feels like it has been stuffed with steel wool.

Jane jerks awake instantly, wincing at her sudden movement, but her eyes widen when they meet Maura's and she stands, crossing the room.

"Maura," her voice is hoarse, like she's been yelling. "Hi honey. You're awake."

Maura shakes her head, already feeling the medication making her heavy. "not long," she manages.

"It's okay. Everything's okay. Your mom is fine; they're going to discharge her soon, okay?"

"_you_" Maura says, reaching out her hand. It feels like it weighs about twenty pounds.

"I'm fine too," Jane says, sounding relieved. "And so are you. It's okay, Maur, don't fight it. I'll be right here when you wake up."

Maura closes her eyes. "You…shld chnge." It's all she can manage. And as the drugs pull her down, she hears Jane's voice, right by her ear.

"I'm not leaving you."

…

"I would do anything to protect her. You have to know that." Maura wakes, but does not open her eyes. Jane's voice is low and close to tears, and Maura wonders who she's talking to.

"I do. I don't blame you for this happening. And Maura's right there. She's only sleeping." Constance's voice sounds surprised, like she's never really looked at Jane before, and she doesn't know how to process the emotion on the detective's face. Maura tries to keep her face calm and her breathing even, not letting them know she is awake.

"I should have paid more attention."

"You still might not have seen. When my daughter sets her mind to something, she is not usually dissuaded. She chose you, after all." Constance pauses, "And now, I hear you are starting a family."

There is silence, and Maura fights to keep her eyes closed. Jane doesn't respond, and after a moment Constance sighs.

"I should apologize to you, Detective. I was quite frightened that first time I met you, when Maura was assaulted. I'm afraid that I associated bad things happening to my child…with you."

Constance pauses and Maura knows that Jane is opening and closing her mouth, too stunned to find the right words.

"I…" Constance falters, "I kept her from you for a long time. I thought I was keeping her safe, but I realize now that I was keeping her from…well, anyway… I'm very, very sorry, Detective."

"You can call me Jane, you know…My family calls me Jane."

"Jane." Constance says. "Thank you for saving my daughter's life."

There is silence, and Maura has just begun to think the conversation is over when Jane speaks, her voice tight with emotion.

"I love her so much. I have forever. From the time we were kids. I'll always be there for her.."

Maura hears the smile in Constance's voice. "I know."

* * *

_"You'll go to the hospital and check on Maura?" _

_"Of course." _

_"And bring her the bag I gave you." _

_"I will, Jane," Frost says gently, gripping her shoulder briefly. _

_Jane sighs. "Okay. Tell her I love her. And I'm at Frankie's if either of you needs me." _

_Frost raises his eyebrows. _

_"I can't spend another night in that house alone." Jane says, gritting her teeth. _

_Frost goes to say something else, but it gets lost in a booming voice from behind them_

_"Hold it right there, Rizzoli, where do you think you're going?" _

_Jane turns, surprised. "Neil! What's up?" _

_"Don't you what's up me. Dr. Isles came for your wire like two and a half hours ago. You know a cop's gotta sign for it. Case number and everything."_

_Jane gapes at him. "Maura came for my…what?"_

_Neil stares at her. "The wire you needed for your case, what is it, arson? She came and got your wire, and you never signed for-Hey! Where are you going?" _

_But Frost and Jane are already running, sprinting towards the front of the building. _

_"Frost!" she tosses the keys to him over the hood of the cruiser, slamming the door so hard that the car shakes. _

_"Go! GO!" She says, as Frost fumbles with the keys.  
"Where would she-"_

_"Warehouse. Go to the warehouse." Jane slams the dashboard in front of her with her fist, "__**Damnit**__, Maura." _

_She tries not to think about what Neil said. Two hours ago. Maura picked that wire up two hours ago. She lets out a little involuntary moan. _

_"She's gonna be okay, Jane. We're gonna get her." _

_"Barry," Jane never calls him that. "Kevin's not just going to let her walk away. _

_Frost doesn't respond. He just puts his foot down harder on the gas, the siren wailing._

* * *

"Careful," Jane spreads her hand out across Maura's back, her other hand gripping Maura's tightly, as she helps her from the car in front of their house.

"I'm fine, Jane." Maura says smiling. "Honestly, I don't have five stitches."

"You have six," Jane says, reaching back for her bag, "and I know it hurts. Don't forget who you're talking to." She throws the bag over her shoulder and returns her hand to Maura's waist.

"You fired a bullet _into_ yourself. Mine merely grazed my-"  
"Merely nothing," Jane says, and her voice stays quiet but her eyes darken and her jaw sets. "I would carry you if I didn't think it would hurt you more. C'mon," they start up the drive to their house.

Once inside, Jane lowers Maura to the couch, pressing a kiss to her temple.

"You want something to eat?" she asks, moving to head to the kitchen.

But Maura shakes her head, and pulls Jane down onto the couch with her, sliding her fingers through dark wavy hair, watching her wife's eyes flutter shut at her touch.

"Don't go," she whispers, and Jane relaxes a little, her eyes still shut. Maura runs her fingers down Jane's jaw, to her throat and her chest, feeling her heart racing.

"You're so mad at me," she whispers, leaning in to kiss Jane's neck, right where her heart beat is pounding. "You're _so _mad…" she whispers against Jane's throat, and she feels the taller woman shiver a little. "Jane…"

But Jane shakes her head slowly, pushing her back gently so that they can look at each other. "I'm not mad, honey. I just love you, and I was very, very scared."

Jane contemplates her finger nails before looking up at Maura, who nods encouragingly. Jane sighs. "I was really mad at you when I realized where you'd gone." Jane flexes her fingers and Maura takes her hands, giving them a squeeze. "And then I realized how long ago you'd been gone without anyone knowing, and I…"

"I'm sorry."

"I know why you did it," Jane says, and she gives Maura half a smile, tired and tremulous, but genuine.

"And I didn't mean those things I said…with my mother…" Maura tries to take a deep breath and winces, as it catches.  
Jane's brow immediately creases and she leans in, pushing Maura back against the couch, and slipping one hand up under her shirt to where the gauze is. "Lean back," she says, "make your torso as long as possible."

"I know that it wasn't your fault that my-"

"Shush," Jane says, her fingers ghosting over Maura's stomach. "Does it still hurt?"

Maura searches Jane's face, trying to find an opening where she can apologize, but as she looks, she can find nothing but genuine affection and sweet, quiet concern. "No," she says, reaching up to pull Jane down for a kiss. "No. Thank you, sweet girl."

The pet name makes Jane's smile a fraction bigger, and Maura relaxes a little.

"you have to be hungry," Jane says, pulling away again, and this time Maura lets her go, trusting that when Jane is ready to talk at her or rage at her or cry against her, she'll do it.

"Maybe a little…" she says, and she sees Jane smile as she turns towards the kitchen.

* * *

_Jane rounds the corner as Flynn smacks Maura's face against the supporting beam. _

_The sick hard thunk of Maura's skull hitting concrete and metal reverberates around the gutted warehouse, it brings bile to the back of Jane's throat, but her hands don't shake around the gun. Cold fury makes her steady. Enhances each one of her senses. _

_"DROP YOUR WEAPON," Her yell makes him jerk upwards, his eyes leaving Maura as his gun goes off. _

_Everything else is driven from Jane's mind as the sound of the gun shot reaches her. _

_No no no no no, her heart is racing, keeping time to her one thought. Not, Maura. No. Not her. _

_She pulls her own trigger, and somewhere, behind her, she hears Frost's gun go off too, and then she is tearing across the building. _

_Flynn barely hits the floor before she is at Maura's side, pulling the doctor (was she always so small? Was she always this pale?) into her lap and pressing her hand against the wound until it's painful.  
She wipes at the blood on Maura's face and bends to kiss her, hiding both of their faces behind the curtain of her hair, as if it is their own sanctuary, and nothing can touch them there_

_"Maura," she whispers, feeling for and finding the heartbeat, a little fast, not very strong. "Maura. Maura," Jane says, the way she might when they are in bed together, but not rushing. _

_But the medical examiner's eyes don't open and soon there are hands pulling at her from all sides, and they are trying to take her wife away from her, and in her confusion, and her panic that Maura's eyes have not opened…she fights them. _

_One of the paramedics hyper extends her elbow yanking her away so that another paramedic can get in, and she cries out. _

_Frost intervenes, shoving the young paramedic out of the way and holding Jane tight around the waist. _

_"They've got her. She's safe. She's going to be fine, Jane, alright? We got her. She's safe," _

_He repeats it like a mantra, following the Paramedics to the ambulance and almost lifting her up into the seat next to Maura's unconscious body. _

_"You fucked up her arm, dickhole," He spits at the paramedic, "So give her something for that. And for fucks sake show some fucking respect. That's Dr. Isles. That's the woman's wife." He grips Jane's knee until she looks at him, and his eyes search her face for coherence before he continues. _

_"I'm right behind you in the cruiser, okay Jane? I'll be right there. Hold Maura's hand." Jane reaches out obediently (was her hand always so cold? Was it always this delicate?)._

_"She's going to be fine." Frost says, one last time. And the ambulance doors slam. _

_The sirens wail as they zoom through the city._

* * *

While Jane is in the shower, Maura wanders down the hall to the guest room. She doesn't know what brings her there, except for the fact that their bed is untouched, as if no one has slept in it in days. So Maura goes to the guest room to see if Jane has slept in there.

She pushes the door open and immediately the strong smell of paint fumes hits her full in the face.

She flips the light on, and feels herself gasp.

All the furniture is pushed to the middle of the room, covered in plastic sheeting. Next to the jumble of furniture is a sleeping bag and a water bottle, a notebook open beside it.

And the walls are pale green, a green that Maura remembers pointing out to a seemingly disinterested Jane one Sunday morning. _Wouldn't this be wonderful for the baby's room? _

And the baseboards that run the room are yellow, pale and sweet and immaculately done. Maura walks into the middle of the room, spinning in a slow circle.

_She must not have slept, she must not have eaten, she…_

Maura is looking up and so she doesn't notice how far she's gone until she knocks over the water bottle on the floor. It spills all over the notebook, and Maura grabs it up, shaking it a little, trying to dry it without smudging it, but as she does a word catches her eye, and she stops to read, unable to help herself.

_Hi baby, I'm so excited to meet you. I can't wait. Sometimes I dream about you. Sometimes I'm really, really scared, but I know you're going to be much more wonderful than in even my best dreams. You have a mommy who's going to carry you and who is the smartest person I know. I love her so much, and she will teach you anything you want to learn. She will always be there for you, and I will teach you how to make her laugh and how to cheer her up when she's sad, and how to make the chili that she really loves, even though she complains about the fat content. _

_I love you so much already. I'm not sure what you have in me as your mama. I'm not sure what I'm really bringing to the table except I love you, and I promise to protect you and your mother and any brothers or sisters that come along (and I hope they come along…). I'll protect you with everything I have. And I'll always be there for you. _

_Not flesh of my flesh, or bone of my bone_

_But never the less, still my own_

_Never forget for a single minute_

_That you were not born under my heart_

_But In it. _

_Love, Mama. _

"You know... It was going to be a surprise." Jane's voice makes her cry out and whirl around, wincing.

Jane moves to her quickly, taking her elbow and steadying her, face lined with concern.

"I'm fine," Maura says, tugging her arm out of Jane's grasp so that she can wrap her arms around he skinny waist. Jane sighs into her hair. "I didn't remember what the name of the color was called, but I brought the guy at Home Depot the picture from the magazine and he color matched it," she says.

"Jane, I'm so sorry. I was just so scared and I didn't know how to-" But Jane pulls away from her, looking down into her face with an expression between annoyance and affection.  
"Maura, I'm not mad. I'm not. I was lonely while you were gone, and I was terrified when you were hurt, but I'm not angry." She pulls the doctor back into her embrace, kissing the side of her head. "I just want to hold on to you. I missed you a lot."

Maura presses her head against Jane's chest, listening to her heart beat, strong and regular.  
"Besides," Jane says after a while, "If you'd told me that's what you were planning. I wouldn't have stopped you."

Maura's eyes get wide, "You wouldn't have?"

"No. I would have gone with you, and we would have gotten that bastard and you wouldn't have been hurt."

Maura smiles, "Don't swear, Jane."

She feels Jane smile against her head. "So, do you like it?"

Maura nods, "I love it. And the baby's going to love it."

She feels Jane nod again, and pull away gently, not letting go of her hand. She pulls her to the hall and down towards her bedroom.

"Are you ready for bed?" The brunette asks, and Maura smiles, knowing that Jane will sit up with her and watch any documentary she chooses, but also seeing the way the taller woman's shoulders slump with exhaustion.

"Yes," she says, feeling settled and okay for the first time in days. "Take me to bed."

Jane chuckles, low and raspy, and she slips an arm around her wife. Knowing that Maura is baiting her. She leans over and bites the blondes ear lobe gently.

"I just want to hold on to you."

* * *

**luvreading ri Sry it's a little late. I've been having mad DRAMA all morning you guys! But here's 53, just like I said. And no cliffhangers for you. And I don't want to spoil anything for you but next chapter...somebody's got SOMETHING in the oven. lol. **

**and you guys should count yourselves lucky. I've written exactly three cliffhangers (including this) the entire story. Other authors make me want to dieeeeeee with theirs. lol**

**ts (i'm not gonna stop calling you that), jmpack, TVaddict cheeky monkey! bookiewookie trangalang(awesome handle), thank you as ever for your wonderful words. Love it. LOVE IT. heatwave. no doyle. je refuse **

**NEW PEOPLE! kaliblue irisjsy, thanks! I hope you'll continue to read on when the sequel comes. Socks lost! HI. thank you and sorry...this one is fluffier though...right? see?**

**AE. why? because writing that pulls at your heart brings people closer together in the experience. AH DUH! :)**

**1 more and an epilogue...maybe. **

**poem at the end of jane's letter is by Fleur Conkling Heyliger. **

**happy reading!**

**t.c.**


	56. The End

Maura wakes up to Jane moaning. She rolls over and looks at the brunette as another soft whine escapes her, and her hips flex up, and relax. Maura raises her eyebrows, smiling.

She's still sleeping, Maura realizes, her hips flexing against the doctor's leg with her dream. "Oh, Maur. That feels really..." Jane mumbles, and she reaches across Maura's body to hold the shoulder strap of her wife's tank top, pressing her body against Maura's side, her head on her shoulder. "Please." She whispers, and Maura moans softly, reaching out to push the hair back from Jane's face. Her brows are creased, concentrating, and she bites her lip, making Maura flush with arousal. She wants to wake her up and yet is transfixed. It has not escaped her that Jane's sex dream is about _her, _and not a celebrity or the little woman in the precinct coffee shop who nearly shoves other workers out of the way to pour Jane's coffee every day, and wears tops so low cut that almost nothing is left to the imagination.

Maura lets her fingers linger on Jane's face, feeling her jaw clench relax. She moans again and Maura gasps. "I want you, Maura." She whispers, and Maura feels her breath hitch. "I want you, too" she whispers back, but Jane's eyes don't open.

They haven't had sex in almost six months. Somewhere in between the hormone injections and implants and the endless talk about what Maura's uterus was doing, how hospitable it was or was not, Jane had pulled back from her. She was no less affectionate. Certainly, during this last embryo implantation she had been nothing but attentive, breakfast in bed, shoulder rubs after work. Maura was even sure that she'd _read_ the books on pregnancy that she'd given her, though she'd never caught her at it.

"_Maura," _Jane whipsers, and it's that voice. She can't resist it. Rolling carefully onto her side, facing Jane, she slips her hand down the brunette's torso and under the waistband of her pants, groaning when she feels how wet Jane is already.

She leans in and presses her lips to Jane's, slipping one finger inside, and she feels rather than sees Jane wake up.

At once she feels long fingered hands on her shoulders, pushing her away. She moans grumpily as Jane pushes her back, away from her.  
"Maur,"  
"Jane"

"What are you-"

"You were dreaming about me," Maura says with a wicked grin. "I wanted to give you the real thing."

Jane blushes, and her hips move idly, but when Maura reaches for her again, she shifts away. "Mauraaa," she says, "we have an appointment today."

Maura glances at the clock, "Not for another three hours."

Jane rolls her shoulders nervously, an action that only serves to excite Maura more.

"Jane...please, honey. It's been so long. Why won't you."

"I don't want to hurt Snug." She says, turning her head to look at Maura, "We get to hear him today! What if I-"

But Maura pushes Jane onto her back, moving to sit on top of her, legs on either side. "You're not going to hurt it, baby. A woman's uterus is very-"

"yelch," Jane says, scrunching up her nose, "Don't say that word. I've heard that word so much in the past three months it's like burned into my brain. Yesterday, I was writing a report, and I went to write unidentified, and I wrote uterus. I swear. 'The car was uterus," Jane shakes her head, "Jesus."

Maura giggles, bending down to kiss her girlfriend again. She doesn't mean it to be a long kiss, but it is, deep and passionate as Maura slips her hand up Jane's shirt. "Jane," she says, pulling back and looking into her eyes, dark with desire. "Please?"

"I'll squish snug." She says sadly.

"It's not a snow globe Jane, it's an embryo," Maura huffs, finally losing patience. She squirms down the bed and pulls at Jane's sweatpants, sliding them down narrow hips to reveal long muscled legs.

"Maura, I don't"

"Shut up." Maura says, maybe more forcefully and harshly then she meant to, but Jane's eyes widen in surprise, and Maura sees her press her legs together as a wave of excitement washes over her. Jane watches as Maura pulls her tank top over her head, and slips out of her (Jane's really) boxer shorts. "You still want to protest?" Maura asks,

A quick shake of the head.

Maura growls, and Jane's eyes get even bigger, "Good," the doctor says, and she crawls back up her wife, entering her quickly with two fingers and pressing her mouth over Jane's as the moan is ripped from her throat.

"Do you love me?"

"yes...yes...yes.." Jane is breathless. Maura looks down at her, unsure if she's ever seen anything more beautiful in her life.

"Do you want me?"

"Yes. God, yes. that feels...unh, Maur,"

"Tell me what you want."

Jane's eyes open, and she looks up at Maura, panting, desperate, "I want you."

"tell me, Jane," Maura says, leaning her forehead against her wife's, picking up the pace, "It's okay. I want to hear it."

Jane hesitates again, her eyes questioning, "Maur,"

But Maura curls a digit against her inner wall. her fingers as knowing and precise as when wielding a scalpel, and Jane convulses, "fucck me." she moans, and Maura bends to kiss her exposed neck, biting at the heartbeat threatening to break the delicate pale skin.  
"Like this?"

"Oh, god oh god ohgod. Maura. Fuck me. Harder. Please. I missed you so much,"

"yes, yes, fuck oh. yes. Maura, fuc-I'm so. I'm so."

But she explodes before she can finish her sentence and Maura does too collapsing on top of Jane in a heap, feeling the detective wrap her arms around her and hold her tight.

"wow."

"yes," Maura says after a moment, listening to Jane's heartbeat regulate itself. "Maybe we should abstain more often."

Jane chuckles, her hand making it's way up to Maura's hair, where it comes to rest at the base of her skull.

"Maura."

"yes."

"We get to see Snug today."

Maura smiles a the nickname. She feels balanced and calm again, Like sex has restored a piece of their relationship that she worried had gone missing under the harsh hospital lights, or in the long needles of endless syringes.

"I know," she says, pressing herself closer to Jane. "I can' wait."

* * *

Jane hates the waiting room. "I swear to God if they put up one more picture of lady parts in this office, I am going to go insane," she whispers to Maura as they enter the building.

Maura smiles, "They want women to feel comfortable and to be informed," she says, pressing the up button for the elevator.

"Well, I feel unsafe and violated with all of those hoo has looking at me all the time."

Maura turns to look at Jane, who is rubbing her hands together. "You're scared," she says, surprised.

Jane bristles at once. "I am not _ scared, _Maura. I just...What if Snugs not in there? What if it was a false positive and we have to start all over...What if something bad happens to him in there?"

Maura smiles and reaches out a hand, which Jane takes.

"If he's not in there," she says, rolling her eyes a little at the personification. "Then we'll go home and we'll have lunch, and we'll talk about what we want to do next." Jane bite's her lip.

"But I want _that_ snug. In there," she says, her voice quiet and nervous, and her hand drifts over Maura's stomach.

The doctor feels a new spring of affection for the woman in front of her. "I know. So let's go sit in that hideous waiting room and see, okay? One step at a time."

Jane smiles, giving Maura's hand a squeeze, and Maura congratulates herself on how good she's becoming at comfort.

Although she can recite the stages of birth from memory, and she knows every single medical thing that could happen to her body, Maura can't help her own feelings of terror whenever she thinks of the actual living, breathing baby that she might have in just over seven months. Jane is scared of what's happening in Maura's body but that part doesn't frighten her in the least. It's once she's holding it in her arms and it needs something from her and it can't tell her what it is. _That's _where the terror sets in.

"You will be great at figuring out what little snuggy needs," Jane had said when Maura had tried to express this fear. Jane hated calling the embryos "it" and so after seeing a picture of what exactly they were, she had named them all "snug", as in "snug as a bug in a rug," because of how compact they were.

"You don't know that," Maura had retorted, "are you going to call it snug, when it's the size of a cantelope?"

"I do know, and yes, probably, because he will still be snug in there, won't he?"  
Maura had almost smiled, "yes, he will. and how do you know?"

"Because you figure out what people need without them telling you for a job," Jane had said.

"I can hardly autopsy our child every time it cries."

"You'll know, Maura." Jane had said, "I read that mothers just know..."

And Maura had been too shocked that Jane had read the book she'd bought to respond.

"We ready to see and hear our baby?" The technician is short and round, her cheeks so rosy that they match the bright pink flowers on her scrubs. Maura sees Jane smirk a little, and gives her a pinch and a warning glance.

"Yes, thank you," Maura says.

"Alrighty, if you could just hop on up here."

Maura goes to push herself up onto the examination table, and Jane follows behind her, tugging her fingers nervously.

"Um, ma'am,"  
"Call me Tonya," the tech says, and Jane scowls a little, but with a glance at Maura, she fixes her features quickly.

"Tonya. Can you squish an embryo?"

"Uch, Jane," Maura says rolling her eyes. Tonya looks confused, "She's worried that since we engaged in sexual activity this morning that-"

"_Maura!"_ Jane blushes crimson back through her hair line.

Tonya laughs, "You can't crush an embryo Detective," she says smiling. "The uterus is a very resilient thing."

Jane nods, and Maura hmphs grumpily. "How come you let her say uterus, but when I say it- there! Look! you make such a face!"

"Because when it comes from you it's...icky..."

"I see," Maura says, faking offense. "Well a lot of things you say are icky, but I don't make that face." She laughs as Jane's eyes widen, and leans back on the bed like surface. "Come here, Icky, and hold my hand," she says, and Jane steps forward at once, watching as Tonya prepares everything.

"Do you think when Snug's born, we'll be able to tell whose he is right away?"

Maura smiles, "I don't know. Does it matter?"

Jane considers, "No, I'm just wondering if we'll know."

"We if he's yours I assume he will look very similar to you, as your genes seem to be very dominant. But we wouldn't know conclusively unless we tested."

"Yeah or he starts speaking in full sentences at a week. Because then he's yours," Jane says.

Maura squeezes her hand as Tonya flips the screen on. "He's ours. no matter what," she says and Jane's face softens immediately, eyes alive with excitement.

...

"I see nothing."

"Be patient."

"Maybe he fell out."

"I'm going to ignore that, because I know that you know that's impossible and don't need me to explain why."

Jane chuckles, glancing down at the wand in Tonya's hand as it moves slowly across her wife's stomach. "Remember," Tonya says quietly. "We can always do a trans-vaginal if need be."

Jane looks back at the screen.

"Snuggie," She says quietly, gently, "come out and see your mamas."

At her words, almost like a response, a soft thrum comes out of the monitors.

Jane's eyes widen, "is that?" she asks, and looks down at Maura.

But Maura's eyes are as big as saucers and she's looking at the screen with an expression that could be excitement if she didn't look so terrified.

"Maura?"

"Oh, My God."

"Well!" Tonya says, her eyes wide too.

"Oh, my God, well what?" Jane says, her voice rising a little. "What can you both see, that I don't see?"

Maura closes her mouth and then opens it again, and Tonya looks at her expectantly.

"Dr. Isles, do you want to tell your wife or do you want me to?"

"_Somebody_ better tell me something." she reaches out and turns Maura's head to face her, looking in her eyes, "Maur? what is it? Is it bad? Can we fix it?"

Maura's eyes are swimming in tears, she puts her hand over Jane's on her face. "It's not fixable," she says after a minute,"  
Jane takes a deep breath, "Maur, I'm sorry. I love you so much, and It's gonna be okay. whatever it is we're going to-"

But Maura shakes her head, "No I mean...it doesn't _need_ to be fixed, honey, look," she points back at the screen and they both look together, "That's one embr-" Maura catches herself, "snug. right there. hear it's heartbeat?"  
Jane smiles so broadly that Maura things her face will split open, "So he's okay? He's really in there?"

Maura nods, tears spilling down her face, and she looks at Tonya who shifts the wand ever so slightly, "but hear that? Like the first heart beat has a drop beat to it?"

Jane concentrates, and she nods after a second, looking from the screen into Maura's eyes, searching.

"Yeah. Is that bad?"  
"No. That's Snug 2, honey." she says quietly.

Silence.

Maura thinks that she will never, in her life, have another moment that measures up to watching realization dawn on her wife's face. At first she seems to lose all her color, and then as deeper understanding dawns she flushes, her eyes bigger than Maura's ever seen them

"You mean..."

Maura nods, a new wave of tears falling down her cheeks.  
"twins."

And then Jane is crying too. Crying and laughing, and kissing every part of Maura's face that she can reach. She looks up at Tonya, who is smiling broadly,

"Show me. Show me again!"

Tonya does, and Jane's face nearly crumbles as she grins at the screen.

"Hi snuggies! Hi babies! I'm so sorry I've only been paying attention to one of you."

"They can't hear you yet Jane," Maura says. She feels like her heart is going to burst. She wants this moment to go on forever. Jane's hand around hers, and their children on the screen in front her them. Nothing but warmth and happiness and...

"Two babies," Jane says, and now she looks scared, the third and final wave of understanding crashing over her.

Maura gestures to Tonya, who pulls the wand away and hands her a towel.

She sits up, pulling Jane to her. "two babies," she agrees. "A little you. A little me." she says echoing their conversation about genes.

But Jane shakes her head, pulling Maura into a standing position and than an embrace. "Us." she says "It's us, we're going to be a...we're going to be a family. The four of us."

"Six," Maura says, "Bass and Jo Friday don't count anymore?"

"Six" Jane says, "Am I dreaming?"

"God. I hope not."

Jane pulls away, her face sparkling with happiness and a new idea. "Let's go to the store." She says, and Maura knows she's talking about the giant Pottery Barn Kids that they've been avoiding for months.

"Oh...Jane," Maura hesitates.

They'd stayed away out of superstition; don't count your chickens before they hatch

They'd stayed away out of fear, _I can't go in there and get all this stuff and then not. have a baby. _

They'd stayed away due to procrastination. _Tomorrow, I'm so tired today and my head...tomorrow. _

"C'mon, Maur!" Jane says, and she steps up to Maura, kissing her softly. "We're going to be a family," she says quietly, "And I love you so much, and...I want this. I'm so scared," she laughs, a tiny gasp that slips past her lips. "But I want this so much. Let's go get two cribs. Just the cribs..." She looks down into Maura's eyes, green into brown, the way Maura wants it to be. Forever.

Jane nudges her gently.

"Just give me one good reason why we shouldn't go."

Maura puts her hand on her stomach. Her family. She looks at Jane and wonders, for the thousandth time if she will ever truly know the depth and love and strength of this woman.

"Okay." she says, reaching for her coat.

because she can't think of a single one at all.

**END**


	57. Author's Note

Thank you guys so much for reading! There's going to be an Epilogue and then Monday Morning you will all have Chapter 1. Of the Continuation, "What Matters Most" It picks up about two years after the epilogue and I hope that you will all follow it and comment on it as much as you have with this one.

I can't tell you how awestruck I am by your response to this story. I've loved writing it, and I've loved hearing from all of you. Good Bad...maybe not so much the ugly!

Anyway. Stay tuned for the epilogue, up tonight.

Thank you again.

And whether it's my new fic, or any of the other ones out there. I wish you all

happy reading.

t.c.


	58. Epilogue

The detective zooms around the field, arms outstretched like a plane, and the little girl blonde hair waving in the breeze giggles madly from her shoulders. "Fast fast! Plane!" she cries, throwing her own arms out like her mother. "Mama! plane!"  
The doctor sets Sofia down on the blanket she's spread out, and looks up at her wife and child, shaking her head. "Jane, be careful!" she calls, but Jane laughs and zooms faster, pulling a delighted shriek from the girl on her shoulders.  
"Mommy look!" Isabelle cries, and she flaps her arms like a bird.

Maura chuckles, kneeling down, "tell Mama, stop it!" she says to the little girl next to her. "dile tu mama ven aqui!"  
Two serious brown eyes meet Maura's before shifting out on to the field.  
"Mama! Parralo!" Sofia cries, bringing her hand down through the air in one swift motion.

Jane stops dead, just as Maura knew she would. "Mama come! food!" Sofia says.  
Jane pulls Isabelle off of her shoulders and sets her on the ground, and together they make their way to where Maura and Sofia are siting, picnic basket already open.

As soon as Jane sits down, Sofia scrambles into her lap, reaching up to tug at her long hair. "Mamamama," she says contentedly, and Jane bends to kiss the little girl's forehead. "what did Mommy pack for lunch hmm?" she asks, reaching towards the picnic basket, but Maura swats her away, "Not yet!" she scolds, "We're waiting for your mother, your brothers and Barry."

Jane pulls a face, and nudges Sofia who glances at her and tries to do the same. Maura tries to stay stern, but can't help the upward twitch of her lips. "honestly. you two. Not until the rest of the family gets here."

"tio viene aqui?" Sofia asks up to her mother. Much more than Isabelle she's picked up the Spanish, and Jane has to admit it makes her proud, even if she doesn't always know what her daughter is asking.

But this time she does. "Yes," she replies. "Both your uncles are coming today," and she glances at Maura who smiles reassuringly. "Are you excited to meet Uncle Tommy?"

Sofia contemplates her mother's face, clearly trying to decide if this is something she should be excited about or not.

Jane smiles down at her, "mommy and I are really excited." Though Maura looks more sick.

"And Bella!" Isabelle pipes up, never one to be left out.

"And Isabelle too," Jane chuckles. "Are you excited Fee?"

Sofia nods, but doesn't smile.

* * *

_Sofia comes first. Of course she does, she's Jane's, and the shock of black hair gives her away immediately. She comes into the world quickly, screaming and waving her fists just like her mother, and Jane has trouble cutting the umbilical cord for the tears in her eyes._

_"It's a girl, Maur," She says, coming around to put her hand against her wife's sweaty cheek. "She's beautiful."_

_They weigh her and wrap her and bring her to her mother and she screams the entire time. First born. Pissed._

_Jane presses a kiss to the tiny little forehead and hands her to Maura, who looks down at the wide open mouth, the eyes crinkled shut. So angry._

_"Sweet girl," Maura whispers, tracing a cheek with her finger and the baby is quiet immediately._

_Like she already knows._

_ ..._

_Isabelle waits four more long hours before making her appearance, and then she slips into the world without a sound. It's only when the doctor gives her one firm slap on the behind, that she opens her mouth and wails, letting everyone know that she is just as capable as her sister._

_Jane cuts the rubbery little cord like a pro this time, though her eyes are still full of tears, and when they bring her this little girl, quiet again, face calm and serene, Jane doesn't bother to try to stop them as they roll down her cheeks._

_"Isabelle," she says quietly, and the girl opens one sea foam eye to look up at her mother like, 'what is with all the commotion."_

_She moves over to Maura, who has Sofia flush against her chest. They look at each other, neither really knowing what to say.  
"You are amazing, Maur," Jane shifts so she can reach out and take her wife's hand. "You are amazing and I love you so much."_

_Maura smiles up at her, eyes glassy. "Look at our girls. Aren't they perfect?"_

_Our girls._

_Jane can't even nod. _

* * *

Jane had been right about genes. It is instantly possible to tell who the biological mother is of each girl. Sofia is Jane in miniature, skinny and long and delicate looking, with one perfect little dimple on her left cheek.

Isabelle is shorter, chubbier, with tight blonde curls and and blue green eyes. She has her mother's sharp nose, and hands, and smile.

But their personalities are very much their own, and now that they are standing and walking and speaking, like people, Jane and Maura are beginning to meet them all over again, like familiar little strangers living in their house.

"Maybe we're wrong," Jane says now, watching as Isabelle runs after Jo Friday and Sofia stops to prod at something on the ground. "Maybe Sofia is yours and Isabelle is mine."  
Maura lies back on the blanket, closing her eyes. She understands that Jane is worried about this because she is worried about her own genes, and how they might hinder that child, but she honestly can't make herself care very much. "Jane," she says, eyes still closed, and Jane sighs.

"I know, I know, but I can still worry about it right?"

"You are wonderfully bright and observant and talent-"

But Jane's sharp intake of breath makes Maura's eyes fly open, "what?"

"Nothing. Isabelle fell over, no don't look. You know she'll just burst into tears...she's fine...Fee is helping her up."

Maura sits up slowly and glances over at her children. Isabelle is standing very still and Sofia is walking around her in a circle.

"What are they..."

"shh," Jane says, "They just started doing this, just watch."

Sofia circles Isabelle one more time, her eyes intense, searching, and then she gives a satisfied grunt, and takes her sister's hand, pulling her after the little dog.

"Oh my god," Maura says, her eyes wide.

"I know. I don't know where it came from but they've been doing it for like a week now. Any time the other one falls or cries or anything. It's so-"  
"I know exactly where it's from," Maura says, starting to laugh. "remember when I fell over that awful train set Barry got them? You did exactly that. Circled me to make sure I was okay and then pulled me into the kitchen to get ice."

Jane nods, a smile creeping over her features.

"See?" Maura says, pushing herself to her feet to go after them because they are starting to get a little far away for her liking. "How can you even ask if she's yours."

"Wait," Jane says, holding Maura back from going after them. She whistles to Jo Friday, who turns and starts back towards the blanket, and both pursuing children turn too, giggling, hand in hand.

* * *

_"Your turn" _

_"No. It most definitely is not. I was up at one." _

_"Yes you were...yesterday." _

_"No...oh, oh my God, really? Was that yesterday?" _

_"Yes. It's your turn. Milk is in the fridge." _

_"If Isabelle would shut up, they would both sleep through the night." _

_"That's Fia. And we'd just have to wake them anyway." _

_"It is __**not, **__I bet you money. And I don't understand why we have to wake them just to feed them." _

_"Jane. If I wake fully up, then the whole point of turns..." _

_"Finne." _

_Maura feels the bed dip and listens as Jane's feet pad away down the hall._

_"Hi ladies," She hears her say through the monitor, "Hi my lovely girls, are you hungry?" The crying stops abruptly, and there is silence for a moment, until Maura hears Jane in the kitchen. She rolls over and tries to go back to sleep, and maybe she succeeds because when she is next aware of being conscious, she hears Jane's voice floating in through the monitors. _

_"nights are long dreams are cold, when they're all you wake up to. But should you rise with crying eyes, then I'll care of you. So let them talk about us, let them call us funny things, people sometimes do, oh I don't care as long you know I love you...and you know I do. I'll be there, though you might not see me. it's never easy to get through. but when the laughter dies away. Then I'll take care of you...darling I'll take care of you." _

_It's a sweet melody, one that Maura has never heard before, but Jane seems to be full of them recently, and her voice is easy and confident like her laugh, Maura closes her eyes and smiles, letting the lullaby soothe her back to sleep as well. _

* * *

"Nona!" Isabelle spots Angela before the rest of them, and she struggles up to her feet and races off, Jane getting up and following after them, Sofia on her hip. Angela beams as she rushes forward and sweeps the little girl up into her arms,  
"Oh, my God, she's so big!" she says leaning forward to kiss Jane. "hi Sofia, honey," She says kissing the little girl in Jane's arms.

"I know, right? It's like she's got a hollow leg the way she's eating."

Angela nods, "You were like that around this age. Turned into a little tubber," she says, laughing as Jane rolls her eyes.

"And then you just stretched like putty." Jane smiles, but glances around looking for the other figure that should be there.

"Where's Tommy?"

"Getting the food out of the car," Angela says, "I think he's a little nervous."

"who Mama?" Isabelle says from Angela's arms. "Who's new bus?"

"My brother, sweetheart," Jane says, "Remember you're meeting your other uncle today?"

"He's new bus?"

"He's nervous, yes," Jane responds, visited by a sudden idea, "Let's go help him get the stuff out of the car. See if we can shake those nerves out of him."

Isabelle squirms to be let down, and after one more noisy kiss, Angela releases her. She starts to run towards the parking lot.  
"Isabelle Alessandra!" Jane says, and her daughter stops dead, looking over her shoulder with a knowing, guilty look.

Angela laughs into her hand. "Yes. That's definitely your daughter," she says, before heading off towards the blanket, where Maura has begun laying out the food they brought.

* * *

_Jane lets the door slam behind her, "I'm home!" she calls down the entry way, dropping her keys on the table by the door, "Maur?" _

_In the kitchen a baby wails, followed quickly by the other and Maura's frustrated moan rings down the hall, "uuugh, Jane Rizzoli I am going to kill you."_

_"Uh oh," Jane breathes, bending to pet Jo Friday, "Why didn't you warn me? You could have emailed, texted, something," She whispers, then straightens up and heads into the kitchen. _

_As soon as Isabelle sees her, she starts to scream louder, reaching out her pudgy little hands. Jane scoops her up out of her little bouncer and looks at Maura, "Hey. I'm home," she says. _

_"And they were almost asleep until you banged your way in the door." _

_"I'm really so-" _

_"You're also late. So Sofia's cranky, because she doesn't go down without that song you sing about giraffes, and if she's up," _

_"Isabelle's up, I know Maur, I'm really-" _

_"Are you Jane? Are you really sorry? Can you be less sorry and more on time?" _

_Jane raises her eyebrows and doesn't say anything. She just sways back and forth with Isabelle, who calms. Sofia goes quiet too._

_"JANE? Can you answer me at all?" _

_"What? Maur, I'm really sorry I'm late. I didn't mean to slam the door, but look, no one's crying anymore." She looks up and realizes she is wrong. Maura is crying, big tears leaking out of her green eyes. She turns away. _

_"Oh. No, Maur, Beautiful, hey." Jane sets Isabelle back down in her bouncer, waiting for a beat. When Isabelle doesn't cry, she turns to her wife,"Maura I'm sorry, I didn't mean-" _

_But Maura waves her away, "It's fine, Jane. I'm not mad at you. I'm just so..." _

_"Tired?" Jane wraps her arms around Maura from behind, moving her hair so that she can kiss the back of her neck. Maura nods. "I know. I fell asleep today at my desk. I can't even imagine how you're feeling." _

_"I came to the precinct today," Maura says. _

_"Huh?" _

_"I came, but I didn't bring my badge or anything because Liam knows who I am..." _

_"Oh," Jane spins Maura to place a kiss on her forehead, "They replaced Liam like a month ago." _

_"So I found out," she sighs. "And you don't complain about the new Medical Examiner nearly as much as you used to..." _

_"Oh, honey," Jane pulls Maura closer. _

_"I love them so much Jane, I love being home on maternity leave, but, what if you're replacing me at work. What if when I go back-" _

_"Shush. That's ridiculous. I have just been quiet about work because I didn't want to make you feel bad. But I hate that bitch ME in your spot. She is awful. I will tell you daily, now." _

_Maura smiles and leans her head against Jane's chest. _

_"Don't swear, Jane."_

* * *

"You remember what I told you, Fia?" She asks, setting her daughter down. Sofia crinkles her brow and then nods. "You want to? You don't have to you know."

But the little girl shakes her head, determined, and looks over to where Tommy is pulling Tupperware out of the car. "Tio?" she checks. Jane nods and Sofia sets off towards her uncle.

"wait! Fee!" Isabelle calls, trying to go after her sister, but Jane scoops her up.

"Hold on nugget, just a sec." They watch as Sofia walks right up to Tommy, unabashed and tugs on his pants.

"Mistah. Got a dollah?" Tommy shakes his head, and glances down at Sofia. He does a double and then a triple take. And then he just stares at her, his mouth open a little, and Jane knows he's seeing what she sees when she dresses the Sofia everymorning. Herself. Shrunk down.

Tommy kneels down so that he's eye to eye with her, "You're Sofia," he says quietly and she nods.

"You're tio. did you get a good trip? did you get better?"

Tommy opens his mouth and shuts it again. Jane lowers Isabelle to the ground. "Go on, nugget, she says," and Isabelle races forward, throwing herself at Tommy when she gets close enough. "UNC!" she cries and Jane holds her breath, letting it out when Tommy catches her instinctively, pulling her protectively against his chest. She hugs him the way only a toddler can. Tight and unashamedly. Like he's never done anything wrong in the world. After a moment he pulls her back. "Isabelle," he says, and Jane hears tears. She moves forward.

"Nona says you are new bus. And Mama said we come shake them away, okay?"

Tommy looks up as Jane gets closer, and he stands, Isabelle still in his arms.

"Hey brother," she says, and Sofia pulls at her until she bends and picks her up.

"Jane. Holy shi-ower. Cow. Holy cow," he says as Jane glares at him and he tries to fix his swear. "She looks just like you."

"Bella too!" says Isabelle from Tommy's arms, and he looks at her, a goofy sort of smile on his face.

"Do you need help?" He looks at the bags of food.  
"Uh, No, I think I can manage," he moves to put Isabelle down, but she clings to him like a monkey.  
"_No_ uncle," she says like she's talking to Jo Friday, "_no _down." He laughs, and waves Jane away when she moves forward to help.

"No. It's okay, I got it, And shifting Isabelle to one arm, he lifts both bags of food with the other."

"Tio looks like you, Mama," Sofia whispers as they make their way back towards the picnic spot.

"That's because he's my brother. Like you and Iz are sisters."

Sofia thinks. "You were in mommy's tummy?"

"We were in Nona's tummy. But not at the same time."

This seems to be enough for Sofia, and Jane is grateful, because she's not sure she could explain it much deeper.

When they get to the field, Isabelle squirms to get down and she speeds off towards the blanket, Sofia in pursuit, the two of them nearly knocking Maura over.

Tommy chuckles and glances at Jane. "Hey, thanks for…you know. Setting this up."

"It would have been sooner, but you kept saying you weren't ready," Jane says, "I was beginning to think you didn't want to meet your nieces."

"It wasn't that at all," Tommy says, rubbing his head with his newly free hand. "I just. I want them to be proud of me."

"They're three T. They're not really proud of anything."

"I don't want them to be afraid of me." He says, and Jane doesn't answer, because she has no retort for that. She is not afraid of her brother so much as she is afraid of what he will do. Of what could happen when she's gone. But Maura, though she would never admit it, _is_ afraid of Tommy. And there's nothing that either of them can do to fix that.

"It's going to take time, with Maura, Tommy. It's just going to take time."

He nods, and swallows, and Jane continues, "but Isabelle already loves you. And Fia takes a minute to warm up to anyone, so the fact that she came over to you without me says a ton."

He stops walking abruptly, so Jane stops too.

"Jane I'm gonna try so hard," he says, and she gapes at him as a tear slips down his cheek. "Just…tell Maura later okay, I'm not gonna go near her today, or any day until one of you tells me it's okay, just like you said."

"Tommy…"

"No. I just. I'm gonna try real hard to be a good uncle. And brother. I'm real sorry. For everything."

Jane hugs him. She's never been able to say the things she wanted to say to him. Not when he was eight, or eighteen, or now, as he's catching up to 30, but she tries to put it in the hug, so that he understands.

"Come _On_, Mama." Sofia's impatient voice is so much like Jane's that all of the adults laugh.

And Tommy picks the bags of food up again, wiping his eyes with this arm.

* * *

_"MAURA! MAURA Get in here, NOW!" Jane screams, and a second later Maura skids around the corner, her first aid kit in her hand, eyes wild.  
"what. Wha-" she looks around the room frantically for the blood or the missing limb that is surely the cause of her wife's scream. But Jane is standing in the doorway of the kitchen, looking at something. Maura comes to peek over her shoulder._

_Both girls are in the middle of the floor, and Isabelle is standing, unaided._

_Maura gasps, "Is she walking?"_

_Jane nods. "She can but Fia can't yet and it's making her mad…watch"_

_As she says this, Isabelle takes three wobbly steps and goes to look behind her. Fia scoots after her, mouth open as if to say "how are you doing that?"_

_Isabelle tries to take another step, but over balances and falls. Sofia scoots up to her and they sit for a moment, looking at each other, perplexed._

_Jane wraps her arms around Maura, kissing the side of her head. "Fia's so close," she whispers.  
"I want her to figure it out so bad."_

_Maura nods absently, enthralled. _

_With nothing to pull herself up on, but eager to try again, Isabelle uses the only thing near her: her sister. She pushes up on her sister's head, until her feet are underneath her. Unfortunately this sends Sofia head first to the floor and she lets out a wail that surprises Isabelle so much that she tumbles over too. _

_Laughing, Jane and Maura move to scoop up their children. _

_"You were walking!" Jane says, nuzzling Isabelle until she giggles. "Such a good job, Izzy!" _

_Maura bounces Sofia, who has buried her face in her neck, humming tunelessly. She feels at her head, but smiles after a moment, "You're fine, baby girl. You're just fine." _

_Jane grins at Maura, but it quickly turns into a grimace. "Oh, no, Maur," she says, as the doctor nods, mirroring her expression, realizing the same thing. . _

_"I know...We're mobile." _

* * *

Frost and Frankie come soon after, and the afternoon passes in a sort of haze of bliss. Both women are back at work, and so it is rare that they all get together like this. Frankie has brought the girls a Tiny little wiffle ball and bat, and they gallop out into the middle of the field after him to learn. To everyone's Isabelle picks it up much faster than Sofia, but she leaves after a little while, and flops into Jane's lap with a sigh.

"That game is so _borin'_ Mama," She complains, and Jane laughs.

Sofia stays out in the field with Frankie close to an hour. her dark little features set in grim determination. "Okay, okay," Jane concedesb quietly, when Maura pokes her and points. "I see it." She kisses her cheek, and leans back onto the grass, Isabelle curled on top of her like a cat, sound asleep.

She overhears Frost talking to Tommy about jobs.  
"It's just something part time, like 30 hours a week," Frost is saying, and For a moment, Maura is furious, thinking that Tommy has lost another job that his sister has managed to get him, but then Tommy speaks.

"Part time is perfect. I'll pick up some hours on my days off from the construction site. I wanna get a place where They can visit. If they want to."

"That's a good goal, man." Frost says noncommittally, and Maura feels a rush of affection for him. For how he is still angry over an action that was years ago.

She is about to go speak to them, to tell Tommy that she thinks it's a good goal too, maybe, when her phone buzzes. She sighs and turns away from the men, seeing that Jane is sitting up carefully, Isabelle still asleep on her chest, reaching for her phone too.

"Don't worry," Angela is saying. "I can take them. Don't worry."

Out in the field, Frankie is walking towards them, Sofia in his arms, awake but looking pretty sleepy.

"Rizzoli," She hears Jane almost whisper as she puts her own phone to her ear.

"Isles."

* * *

_It's a Sunday. Maura pushes the door open, hearing the blaring of the game in the living room. She doesn't call out. She is going to go in there and catch Jane in the act. Explain to her why TV at such high decibels is wrong for their children. How a one year old's brain is still learning to processes sound and information and..._

_But she rounds the corner and there's Jane, sitting in the middle of the couch, two little girls propped up by pillows on either side. Maura enters from behind and Jane is so caught up in the game that she doesn't see her. She's got a bowl of baby food in one hand, spoon in the other, Jane leans towards Isabelle, spoon stretching out, but her head doesn't turn from the television. _

_On the screen is a football game, and one man, with the football tight in his arms, breaks free and sprints down the field. _

_"c'mon c'mon c'mon YES!" Jane lifts both her hands baby food and all into the air. "Touchdown Pats!" _

_Both girls call out too, trying to mimic her words, raising their hands above their heads, grinning up at their mother. _

_Maura feels tears in her eyes. She puts her hand to her throat, completely forgetting about the noise of the game. _

* * *

"Bye sweetheart. Be so good for Nona." Maura says, watching Jane transfer a still sleeping Isabelle into her mother's arms. Sofia tightens her hold around Maura's neck, and Maura looks down, "Fee? Go with Nona okay? We'll come and get you before dinner."

Sofia looks up at her, deep brown eyes into green. "Mommy. Could you die?"

* * *

_A thursday. Jane is taking too long in the shower, and Isabelle is screaming and Sofia has been running a temperature all week. She's still on maternity leave, but the mornings are the one time when she has help. When Jane is there to help her. Maura knocks for the the thousandth time and then pushes the door open, striding across the room and throwing back the shower curtain. "Jane I __**need**__ you to-" _

_She gasps. _

_Jane has her head against the wall of the shower, and she is crying. Big huge heaving sobs, that threaten to break her skinny frame apart. _

_"Jane!" Maura gets into the shower in her pajamas. "Jane. Are you hurt? Are you okay?" she pulls Jane too her, struggling because the detective seems to be fighting against her hug. "Stop it, Jane. It's just me, what is going- JANE." _

_They sink to the floor of the tub, where Jane finally lets her head rest on Maura's shoulder. _

_"I just need a minute," She says, wiping at her eyes, a little out of breath. "Maura. I'm fine I just need a second." _

_"Talk to me, Jane." _

_"I just. I thought I would be fine going to work everyday and doing what I do every day, and just...turning this off... and doing my job. But I just...I keep thinking What if I die? What if I have to leave you guys. And I..." _

_Maura reaches up with one hand and turns the water off, pulling Jane closer to her. _

_"I'm so tired Maur," Jane says against her. "They never sleep. What if they never sleep? Ever?" _

_Maura smiles, kissing the top of Jane's wet head._

* * *

"You know what Fia?" It's Jane that answers, coming to stand next to Maura, and looking down at her daughter's face, lined with worry. "When you were really little, I asked your mommy almost that same question. And she said something really smart. Do you want to know what it is?"

Sofia nods,

"She said that every mommy has a job that might be a little scary. And every mommy has to go away for a while and leaver her babies at home, and wonder if they're okay, and if everything will be okay," Jane starts, and Maura smiles at Jane's careful rephrasing. "But when Mommy and I are at work, we think of nothing but you. And we keep each other safe so that we can come home to you at the end of each day. No matter what."

Sofia reaches out and Jane takes her from Maura's arms hugging her tightly. "No matter what, Mama?"

"No matter what."

...

They leave their children and climb into Jane's cruiser, and Maura reaches over and rubs at the back of Jane's neck until Jane sighs and looks over at her. She reaches up and takes Maura's hand, bringing it to her lips.

"Thank you. For those children," she says quietly. "I don't say it enough. But thank you for carrying them and birthing them and loving them and me. Thank you for this home. I love what we do and I love who we are. I will always, _always_ keep you safe so that we can go home to them. I love you so much."

Maura smiles, "Can you promise it?" she whispers.

"You will always have me."

* * *

**AH! Fanfiction finally let me post! if you like the epilogue, check the sequel, What Matters Most. **

**Up on Monday. **

**I love you all. You're wonderful. **

**Happy Reading!**

**t.c.**


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